[Carl44]

Hi everyone many years ago when i was a young man my partner and i SAM had a beautiful little dark haired big brown eyed baby girl called Natasha as any parent knows we were over the moon but within a few minutes of the birth it became obvious some thing was very wrong the doctors took our little girl away . we were beside our selves with worry after half an hour the doctors came back with no baby , i was told my beautiful daughter would not make it till the morning we sat up all night praying and to the amazement of the doctors she made it and the next day she was rushed to a special baby unit in London she made it through another day and we thought maybe just maybe she would be OK but early the next morning i woke up with a start and don't ask me how but i knew she was going i woke up SAM and we went to see our 8 and a half pound beautiful girl just fade away the nurses and doctors were crying tears as well it was every parents nightmare unfolding in front of my very eyes . why oh why SAM screamed our daughter was twice the size of every baby in there we later found out as Sam's waters had broken 3 days earlier and was taken into hospital she was not given antibiotics and an infection had set in Natasha's lungs it was very hard to take i can tell you . so i had a girlfriend wearing a nursing and had milk was cradling a cushion and howling with grief .. moving on 13 months we have a beautiful new baby called Chantalle we never ever forgot Natasha Chantalle gets loved twice as much . but some thing is wrong SAM is depressed we go to America to see her parents then she hits me with the bombshell she is not coming back to England so i move to the u s but visa problems mean i have to go home many terrible months pass just a few letters now and again and then about a year later i get a letter Jim i cant cope come and get your daughter so i sell up everything i have and bring her back to England .. we live happy for three years its not easy but my Chantalle is the most loved little girl in the world i send her mom pictures every week or so and ring her mom and let my little girl talk to her mom .. then Chantalle goes to school we are happy then it happens the bottom falls out of my world her mum has met some one and wants our daughter back i go to see a solicitor and its hell we were not married i have no rights to my daughter .. i have to choices take my daughter and run knowing she will never see her mom again or hope SAM will be fair and let me see her when i can.. i decide to take a chance on SAM surely no woman can take losing two children and i know she knows losing Chantalle would kill me .. i take her to the u s and say my goodbyes SAM says you can see her at Easter i send my letters no reply i keep sending nothing comes back and slowly but surely it dawns on me my girl is gone ... moving on 8 years its been a living hell I've thought about taking my own life a million times the only reason i have for living is hoping to see my daughter some time and i would not want to dump a truck load of grief and misery on my brothers and sisters with the help of a certain Mr jack Daniels i against the odds pull through .. i go to stay with my cousins SAM and Jess and work with my brother Casey against the odds i meet someone she has 2 kids and we are happy Christmas and Chantalle's birthday are hell but I'm getting there life seems live able just move on another year I've moved in with sue and the green shoots of a life i once had are sprouting jumbo is nearly happy then one morning 3 years ago bang bang on the door i look out the window wtf does he want i rush down stairs he is crying we go into the kitchen and says I'm sorry Jim your brother Casey has died in a house fire . i stand there a million thoughts a racing through my head is it a joke but I'm afraid its not my lovely bro has gone .. six months down the line my cousins SAM and Jess have really been there for me i had rented a flat it was not fair on sue for her to see me drunk and battling my old foes grief and pain again but battle i did and hard i stopped drinking and started training with my cousin SAM getting fit made me feel better SAM and i were inseparable every day after work we would meet up we had such plans to see the world do things together i had a life again he was the greatest man i ever knew .. move on 3 months I'm asleep in my bed bang bang on the door i open it Gareth a work mate of my cousin Jess , Jim SAM has been attacked get to the hospital to this day i cant remember getting there i see SAM laying there tubes and electrodes every there he looked like if i nudged him he'd wake up he fought for his life until his two children got to the hospital and then he slipped away i was alone totally and utterly alone grief and pain were having a field kicking me in and i could not fight back , i will never forget the look on his kids faces as they lowered him down ever the next few months are a blur Mr Daniels you really did your job i remember nothing i get a call from sue;s brother sue is in hospital i go to see her and as i see her laying there i strange thing happens i realise i still love her i have something to live for i want her to get better she had been pregnant with our child but it was in her tube they would have to remove it we are sad but hey life goes on she comes back home and i move back in we had been seeing each other now and again , but she still looks ill the next week she is rushed back into hospital very very ill something is very wrong she nearly dies the hospital had taken out the wrong tube so now they have to take out this one too and of course the baby with it .. she gets a bit better in time but not before she has two more ops ....and then it happens after year after of searching for my daughter i accidentally email the wrong British shoppe in the us .. they email me back they know Chantalle and she rings me i tell you i heard her voice for the first time in ten years i cant understand what she is say in she is crying so musc and she cant understand me for the same reason . i went out to see her in July we hugged and kissed and cried it turns out she had been looking for me all along too .. we have a great future now imagine if in my darkest hours and yes there have been a few too many i had taken my life what would that of done to my little girl now .. don't ever give up your family would be devastated if you did ,, i geuss i'm tryin to say no matter how much your in pain now how bad things are now no matter how much you lose there is a life a happy life it will take time and you have to fight for it for it wont come to you.. sorry if the grammer and spelling are over the show i've been crying as i wrote this but if only one person reads this and they get just a crumb of comfort or one ray of hope it will be worth it .. if any one needs to talk about things pm me thats fine only people that have lost a child a perant a brother can truelly no how you feel and lets face i.ve lost all three but i'm happy now .... jimbo