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I'm not one, when producing a dry martini, to merely show the vermouth to the glass, I do actually pour. Hearts full of youth, hearts full of truth, Six parts gin to one part vermouth - that's what I was taught at primary school and it's stood me in good stead ever since. AND one firm juicy black olive the way teacher insisted was proper - stoned but not stuffed, sans umbrella. We have small tight lightly pickled cocktail onions if you'd rather, just let me know. As we go our sordid separate ways we shall ne'er forget thee, thou golden college days.

One sarsaparilla on a lot of ice, crushed rather than cube. A refill for Carla, you'll find her in the alley deciding what balls she's most comfortable holding and how many lights she should turn on or off to get the mood right. Two fingers of the Highland Cream, unmolested which is the only proper way though there's a jug of spring water on the bar for those who prefer to.

The bar staff, and that includes the manager, by tradition avoid taking part in games of chance while on shift Red, though when I'm relieved I'll be honoured to get the tiles out and invite you through to the Snug for a hand or two if you're free.

Here's four sets of arrows minks, a pint of best for you and your Aussie friend on the house and that's three and tuppence for the rest. Slanj!