Why Don't I Fall Apart?

It happened again today. Someone special died and I didn't cry.

I was working on a machine when the bosses assistants phone rang..the lady who sits across from her had gone to her mothers house on her lunch hour as she has every day for the last six months since her father passed away. She found her mother in bed and didn't think she was breathing. She called 911 then her office where her friends were, because she couldn't think what else to do...

I had paid no attention to the call, I try to give departments as much privacy as possible..so the first few oh my gods..slide right past me. Then she started calling my name and i rushed in to find her crying and gasping out what was happening to her friend....

My reaction was to tell her to get to the mothers house and stay with her until other family showed up..'oh no, i can't leave' she says to me. To which I replied 'fk this, someone has to be with her' and took off to do what I could...No tears...No emotion flowing through me except the need to do what I could for the gentlest woman in our workplace, who would have done the same for any of us.

Of course when i get there, the police and ambulance have arrived, and this poor lady is standing there answering questions and slowly falling apart before our eyes. I pushed her toward the couch and throw one arm around her giving up my hand has her lifeline. She gets asked about moms medical history and when she last saw mom okay...yesterday all the kids came over to put up moms tree..and my friend is almost over the edge ..she's sobbing so hard. And rather then join in her grief I interject 'And you know that tree is EXACTLY the way she wanted it or no one would have heard the end of it'

And she starts laughing through the tears and we start telling the cops stories about the wild woman who was her mother. Even the cop looked more relaxed...I ask who she's called, who got missed ..and go off to make a few calls while she continues telling this cop funny stories about this woman she had loved so much..

The sister shows up cursing mom and crying, then they go into the bedroom to say goodbye..Still no tears from me.

I head out of the house dialing her boss to let her know what's happened and to volunteer to process payroll, which I had trained this woman to do. I called her friend at work who was still crying to let her know that in fact Jaynes mother had passed away.

Then I headed here to put the dog out before heading back to my job. And on the way home, it occurs to me that this is the 3rd time in the last 7 years that someone at work has had a death occur while on the job. And in each case, I became the caregiver..because I wasn't reacting to the death like everyone around me does, like a normal person would.... I react to the one left behind.

I had no trouble at all crying when I read about chonsis hubby and the recipe. Didn't even mind admitting it. But it seems like, to the people that surround me in real life...I shut down. I don't force it, it just happens. And I can't for the life of me figure out why.

I knew this mother for years, she cooked for me, included me in family events after my divorce, never failed to ask about me and mine, cared about me...
doesn't she deserve my tears???

[valerie]

Maybe the tears will come at some point... but maybe they won't.
Maybe it's just your body's way of handling things.

I know if you were around me in a similar situation, it would be a great
relief to have a funny statement/story.

I'm always much better at the time something happens, it's only later
I might "fall apart" and I think that's okay.

Floppy, some folks are the leaders and some are the followers, you will miss her and you will find the time to grieve, right then and there you needed to be what it is that you are, a strong woman who cares enough about folks to fill the gap.

I believe God gives sustaining grace to the right person at the right time, you are simply that person in these situations. And filled with grace you respond and are able to bear up under the pressure and be the one standing in the gap.

So, bless you, you did what was needed at the time... breaking down and crying would not have helped.

((((hugs))))

[minks]

[quote=Far Rider]Floppy, some folks are the leaders and some are the followers, you will miss her and you will find the time to grieve, right then and there you needed to be what it is that you are, a strong woman who cares enough about folks to fill the gap.

I have to agree with Far on this one. You knew what had to be done and jumped in, a reaction thing.

[SOJOURNER]

Everyone grieves in their own way.

Everyone has different gifts to share.

Your gift is a strength which creates a safe harbor for their souls to grieve. I would be so thankful to have someone like you with me during such a trying time.

When you may one day need such support, your needs will be probablly be satisfied by another, such as yourself, who will be there for you in a way that you need them to be.

Thank God for people like you! You're the stabilizing influence in an awful situation and lemme tell you, people appreciate that.

Besides, there is no "normal" situation, we're all going to react differently. You just have a much calmer head in an emergency.

((((HUGS)))))

[Bez]

I had a young friend who's mother committed suicide...the girl was 16 and her brothers younger. I stayed strong and dry eyed for a week and stayed in control and supportive for her. I didn't cry until after the funeral. There's a lot more to the story, but you do what you have to do at the time....time for tears will come when you're ready....it doesn't change what's in you heart.
When my Dad died I was heartbroken...but I never cried once. When my mum died 20 years later I couldn't stop crying for a week.

[chonsigirl]

Like Bez said, you cry at certain times and stay strong at other ones. You stayed strong Floppy, when it was needed. You were there, and did what you could. You are a brave woman, and we all admire you. You don't have to shed tears to be touched by a situation, or feel the deep pain inside.

[OpenMind]

Floppy, if and when you do shed tears, don't forget we'll be here for you. Don't question yourself, your reactions so far have been the right ones in the circumstances.

[lady cop]

ahhh Floppy...some people are endowed with stoicism when it's necessary. mentally and physically, witness how 97 pound people can lift a car off a person caught underneath. i don't know how to explain it except anecdotely, but within 1 year i watched my relatively young parents die horrble deaths. i was cold as a fish throughout the ordeal because someone HAD to take care of everything. it took me years to grieve properly. i still do in fact. and i am totally unaffected at the worst scenes i've seen. or at least i think so, until later. bottom line is what others here have said, you have reserves of strength that come to the fore when you are needed. bless you xoxoxox