please someone help

[nicolenyj222]

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Hi I am a new member my Name is Nicole. I am 19 Yrs old and I live in Florida. I really need some advice especially from someone who is older and will not judge me. I just got out of a relationship and have gone back and forth into a relationship for 2 1/2 years. I have had two boyfriends in the time. One lasted 2 years. I recently broke up with my latest boyfriend for many reasons. And I went to a friend of mine that I worked with for a year and who was always there for me. And he suggested that I get into a "friends with benefits" relationship with a guy that I am friends with. After I left him and came home I realized that he might be suggesting him and I doing the "friends with Benefits". So I got home and called him and asked him if I was right and he said yes.
Well this wouldn’t be such a bad idea since I have thought of him like this for the entire time that I have known him except that he is married (about to go through a divorce) and has a young child. I told him all the possibilities that could come out of this scenario and he told me not to jump to conclusions. I am a smart and intelligent young woman who has great morals and I know that I should already know the answer to this question but for some reason it is just sticking out to me. Please someone help me and give me some advice. Whether you think I am completely wrong for thinking twice or if you think I should just go for it please let me know I am so torn and honestly I have no one else to talk to about this. I want/ need an outside opinion. And by the way he’s 26 so don’t think he’s some nasty old pervert! THANK YOU SOO MUCH.
-NICOLE

[pattybug52]

If Friends with benefits is a mistress situation-like you have the boyfriend-he keeps your rent paid, etc-think again.I went thru that-every holiday never saw or heard from him even tho he insisted they were not REAL man and wife. I even babysat for his kids-when I first met him he was separated but the bills and house payment became tooo much and he moved back. He got jealous if I even had a friendship with a fellow employee at the hotel I worked at, but I was never allowed to get jealous over him still living with her-and of course they were still having sex too. I was more lonely in that situation than any other one I have been in-you are stuck in the middle-no committments and never know when he will call and you cannot call his home. The holidays were the worst-so alone and if your family knows about him, they kind of ignore you too. Think twice before doing it!

[Peg]

Even if he is going through a divorce, which I would doubt, the fact remains he is not divorced. Good way to get your name dragged through the mud in court.

[Babs]

What exactly does 'friend with benefits' mean? If pattybug's definition is correct, don't think about it twice .......... don't think about it at all!

And, why would you want to complicate your life by becoming involved with someone who will soon be going through a divorce (may or may not be true)?

Also, becoming financially dependent on someone gives them control of your life. Is this something you really would want?

Good luck


Babs

[nicolenyj222]

First of all I want to thank everyone for the posts they really have helped me go with my gut instinct. There is just one thing that I am not so sure I know where it came about that I was going to be financially dependant on this person. There is no way that this would be possible. I am currently at a great paying job, a college student, and I also am about to become a real estate agent on the side. I would never be with someone for money, nor would I ever accept someone "putting me up" in an apartment. I pay my own bills and would never expect or ask someone to do that for me. I think the most important thing for a woman especially is to become someone on her own then have someone to share it with who is hopefully just as successful as they are. Thank you once again!

[Babs]

I guess we need an explanation of what 'friend with benefits' means. I have never heard the term before. So glad it doesn't involve financial dependency with anyone.

But, the advice about not getting involved with a married man still stands. Otherwise, it appears you have a lot going for you and heading in the right direction, for sure.

Sorry for the misunderstanding, but without further explanation, I will still be in the dark.

Babs

[pattybug52]

ya even if he is getting a divorce-wait at least 6 mos AFTER the divorce before you stat seeing each other-you don't want to be "caught on the rebound syndrome". You have your life going real good-don't get caught up in someone elses problems-they can drag you down with them.

[Suresh Gupta]

Originally Posted by nicolenyj222

I think the most important thing for a woman especially is to become someone on her own then have someone to share it with who is hopefully just as successful as they are.

You have yourself answered your question. You are on your own and that is the most important aspect of your life. Keep it up. Is it really necessary to share your life with someone whom you do not really know? Why are you in so much hurry? Live on your own for sometime. Try to discover yourself. I am an Indian and we have a system of arranged marriage. In this system, in addition to two individuals two families are also being united. This family and social commitment keep our marriage intact. Marriage is not a short term contract. It is relationship for life.

[Peg]

Originally Posted by Suresh Gupta

You have yourself answered your question. You are on your own and that is the most important aspect of your life. Keep it up. Is it really necessary to share your life with someone whom you do not really know? Why are you in so much hurry? Live on your own for sometime. Try to discover yourself. I am an Indian and we have a system of arranged marriage. In this system, in addition to two individuals two families are also being united. This family and social commitment keep our marriage intact. Marriage is not a short term contract. It is relationship for life.

You still have arranged marriages? I'm very interested in how that works. What if you and your intended can't stand each other? There's bound to be some personallity clashes. What is the divorce rate of arranged marriages compared to non arranged marriages I wonder.

[pattybug52]

Thanks Peg I was also curious about that. If the marriage isn't working out do you still stay together no matter what? Are the arranged marriages like 90% of the population?