never done this before, but here goes...

Okay, I decided to do this as it may be somewhat of a challenge me to record my inner thoughts and let others read them. I don`t usually - the only people that get to know that side of me are the ones I choose to let in, that I have an affinity with. I get on with most people, but affinities are few and far between.

Okay... at the moment I am in quite a bad place - a cross between Disneyland Paris and the Devil`s Anus, to be precise.How can life be so exciting but so awful at the same time?
I feel like a walking storm on legs of lightning, not really looking where I am going, but heading over the horizon nonetheless.
I am sick of being skint. I have no-one to blame for this but myself, as I left a well paid job to do what I love, and for the possibility of better prospects, and I can`t complain about either. My job gives me far more on a spiritual scale than it ever could in money, but I am seriously in the **** because of it.
Si is under far more pressure to do overtime to make up for my paltry wages, but he prefers seeing me happy, although I`m not that happy about being so badly in debt! It has got that bad that I had to leave a trolleyfull of shopping in Tesco a few weeks back as my card was refused. I have no more money until payday, and even then I will still be in the same boat.
Crunch time then - should I find something better paid and leave the job that I love, or stick with it and be skint forever?
BTW - I have 2 other jobs on top of this one, so it`s not as if I`m not trying!
It seems like the only time I was actually solvent was doing a job I hated, and used to come home and cry every night (trust me, it doesn`t happen very often. I was stressed to the eyeballs.)
Do I really have to sacrifice happiness for security?

On the other hand, I have lots in my life that is truly wonderful. My husband Si is my rock; we don`t always see eye to eye, but we stick together through thick and thin, and I know he is there for me whenever I need him.
I have a great bunch of friends, and I know if need them they are there and would put themselves out for me like I do for them.
I have my magicakal life too - a bit out there for most people, but it works wonders for me, and I see the effects of the good stuff we send out day to day, and that gives me faith in humankind, as well as all the other stuff.
I must not let myself get into a negative mindset - negative attracts negative.

Note to self - CHEER UP YOU GRUMPY BATTLEAXE!

Well, this weekend is turning out far better than last, when I was in a really crappy mood. Spent all day at Whitlingham lake, where Si took part in the Dragonboat races (loads of companies get sponsored to take part in this, whoever's team gets the best rowing time after 3 goes wins it) and was there from 11 until5! It was cold, wet and miserable, but we got to veg out and drink beer, so I was happy
Tomorrow is the BMF show...need I say more?

AND...straight back down again.
This may be a tad depressing, just thought I'd warnanyone reading it.
I was happily pottering around, wondering what to cook for dinner when the phone rang. It was my bank, informing me that my rent had been stopped from going out because I am badly over my overdraft limit. No other direct debits will be paid either. I have no other money until I get paid on the 19th.
My other half was none too happy to say the least, but he hasn't exactly helped.
I guess I am going to have to look for ajob that pays better wages - In the meantime I am trying to get a loan to consolidate everything. If I can't get one, I really don't know what I'll do.
I might even have to sell my bike.
I posted this here as I don't feel able to talk to many people when I get a bit down, so this is good way of clearing my head.

Something brought back some really vivid memories that I'd managed to shut out for a number of years. However, I will post it as a reminder to myself.

Someone sent me this ages ago, and it's always made me think about how I respond to kids in general, and to look out for signs of being isolated. (I'm sorry to say I haven't always spotted all of them, but heard the dreadful news afterwards. No-one can ever describe what it is like to think a child that you knew felt that bad, and couldn't tell anyone. Much less that they made a good job of pretending that everything was ok. )One child that iIknew committed suicide...it was the most awful thing I've ever had to come to terms with. I've lost many friends when I didn't expect to...One has lyphatic cancer that she never knew she had, another died of liver problems. Other kids I have worked with died from accidental causes. Suicide is a really provocative subject - Every time I go to see a medium I ask this particar child to come through, just to let me know that he is ok, and that he is happy. I have heard nothing yet. I remember him every time I ask for blessings for someone. I also have a friend that drank herself to death. The night before she died, she was in my flat telling me about how crappy her life was. I still wonder if there was anything more I could have done.
I hope no-one minds, but I will post this in my jounal, so I can remind myself to be a bit more aware in future. I wish I had been on those occasions.

God, I'm such a miserable bint sometimes!
Re-reading these, I've done nothing but moan so far - this has got to change I think!
I got a new puddy cat yesterday...we went to Si's sister's BBQ and discovered that her cat had not been allowed indoors for the last few months, as her new fella doesn't like the cat. The poor thing has been living in the shed, neglected of any love or attention.
Si looked at me, and I could tell he was thinking the same thing, so I told her I'd be taking him home to live with us when we went.
The thing that upset me the most was what her little 'un said when we left; it was along the lines of I hope he gets on Ok at yours, because we don't want him back!

So far, he's settled in great, and he's such a sweet, affectionate cat. It will take a bit of time for my two to get to know him, but I think they'll all get on eventually!

I've just had the lovliest day!
I went to see my friend Jemima, a truly wonderful woman in my opinion. She's old enough to be my mum, and in fact, we see things so alike that we call each other our spiritual mum / daughter.
I never quite know what to expect, and I'm never dissappointed!
We spent a day making stuff (medieval costumes for upcoming events that we're doing), doing things with herbs and natural energies - we even summoned rain!
Of course, when it came, we felt obliged to dance about in it for a while, hehe!
As I grow older, she is definately my role model. Free spirited, self-knowing, fun and the only time she wears shoes is when she has to go to work, haha!

She has an amazingly peaceful aura about her, whenever I've been to see her or spent a weekend on a medieval weekend I always come away with a sense of being totally at peace; that everything is exactly as it should be.

Shame I came all the way home and found my skirt was tucked in my underwear!

I'm really feeling the urge to join the Am Dram again!
Trouble is, my vocal range aint quite what it used to be...I had singing lessons for years, and it really got me to my personal best. I think I'll have to do it all again to get where I was, but hey, I loved it, so it should be fun.
I don't really have the spare time, but I'll make time for it.

Watching 'phantom' again kind of inspired me...I used to be able to sing that stuff with no probs! My voice has gone to ratshit these days!

I see was up in those castles in the air again recently..
I wish I could keep my feet on the ground for five minutes, I might get somewhere that way!

Well, life is certainly much better than it was a few months ago. There is much that isn't perfect, but it's not so bad either...that's just reality I suppose!
I'm really enjoying being away from work, having to time to pootle around the house, see friends, etc. It's so nice not to be living by the clock! I wish life could be like this all the time.

My new cat is turning out to be such a soppy little bugger..I wake up in the morning to find he's curled up on me, and he always loves cuddles!

D'ya know, Si waked straight into a moneyspider as he left this morning. Me being me, I blurted out @tHat's good luck with money!'
Well, I won a tenner on the lottery, and he told me tonight that he's being given a £4000 pay rise!
You wouldn't believe what a weight that is off my shoulders...some say it's co-incidence, I call it synchronicity.