Sexual Comprimise

[KittylovingBlond]

I have been in a comitted relationship for about 2 years now with a wonderful man whom I respect and admire more than he will ever know. He is everything I want in a partner, and what I look for in a friend... the only issue I have is with the bedroom. When we met, he was a virgin- he was 22. I thought it was fantastic that he believed in something and waited so long! Well, our relationship got serious, and then our sex life did as well. We got to know each other in the bedroom, and I've found that he has some interesting role-playing fantasies that I have gone along with (and enjoyed) for some time.

The problem is that being on birth control lowers my libido as it is, and so it's not always easy for me to be enthusiastic about MY fantasies, let alone his. The difficulty is that what turns him on, doesn't necessarily turn me on...so it's hard for me to get into it. I do it, and I want nothing more than for him to have an enjoyable experience, but I'm just not as into it as he is. So, naturally, he's afraid that I am freaked out, and he is embarassed- which I really don't want at all. I think making each other feel good is what love is all about... how can I make a compromise in this situation? I can't force myself to be turned on by something, but I don't want him to be embarassed or unhappy either. Do I just pretend forever? What's worse, it's almost becoming an annoyance to me...since I have no interest in it besides making him happy, I get tired of it. What's a girl to do?

[lady cop]

compromise, annoyance, pretend and tired....your words. they will soon equal resentment, and then?..... it needs to be addressed frankly and uncritically with your partner, (in my opinion only of course.) compromise is a good thing, but it has to work both ways to achieve the happiness and well-being of both parties.

[Paula]

"Comprimise" is that a New word in the English language? or a spelling error? as far a Sex goes in the forum garden, it has never been discussed? i don't know how to approach or discuss your intimate relationship? i would have to say kitty-lovingly-blond, am i accurate on that (title), in garden language, you could be a *****-willow, early spring bush, or a tulip, probably a yellow one.

[Peg]

Originally Posted by Paula

"Comprimise" is that a New word in the English language? or a spelling error? as far a Sex goes in the forum garden, it has never been discussed? i don't know how to approach or discuss your intimate relationship? i would have to say kitty-lovingly-blond, am i accurate on that (title), in garden language, you could be a *****-willow, early spring bush, or a tulip, probably a yellow one.

Paula? No need to be rude and point out spelling errors.

I think lady cop hit the nail on the head with this one. Talk about it, compromise, do whatever it takes before you come to resent it.

[Paula]

Peg, there is a thread (Jesus On A Fish Stick), did you check that out?

[Peg]

Originally Posted by Paula

Peg, there is a thread (Jesus On A Fish Stick), did you check that out?

Yes, and your point?

[Cass]

Originally Posted by Paula

as far a Sex goes

Shouldn't that be 'as far as Sex goes....'?

[KittylovingBlond]

Thanks for the spelling correction, I wrote it very late at night.

[Cass]

Kitty if your beau has an appetite for role playing and fantasy.. it will continue to develope...and if he bores of what he has already tried he will create more scenarios.

I have a girlfriend who had a similar situation.. her man was a little bit kinky when they dated and she just figured he would grow out of it or settle down when they were married.... but it only continued and became more complex.

Maybe you need to talk to him about it, maybe he doesn't realize what turns him on - you are just doing to please him and that other than begin happy to please, it is not your preference.

How does he react when you tell him you are tired or not in the mood.. does he accept that? or does he persist in trying to change your mind?

It is not a good thing if you are giving in just to avoid an argument.

[sohcahtoa]

Kitty, it sounds as though you're just stuck in a rut. This happens and is something that can be dealt with.

From your post, it seems that the lowered-libido side effect of your birth control meds are at least partly to blame. Is there any way you could go on a lower dose BCP (is it a pill?) or consider other methods?

You, as an adult human being, deserve to enjoy sex!, to experience the full depths and deliciousness of sexual desire. Sex need not turn into something that is done grudgingly. You're missing out and it seems that some of it is chemically induced! Can you discuss some changes in your birth control method with your doctor?

As for going along with his desires half-heartedly, well, as long as you just aren't all that horny, you aren't going to be into even the most plain vanilla sex that there is, let alone something a little more acquired in taste . I'm sure he wouldn't want this to be so one-sided either: he must be interested in pleasing you. it's disappointing for both of you if both of you aren't, um, getting off like you should (for lack of a better way to put it).

The more desire a person feels, the more the person needs to express it to their beloved. Of course since your desire is lessened right now you haven't been putting in the level of creativity or enthusiasm that he has and you probably would! if you only felt more lustful in general!

In short, I wonder if lack of desire in general is the root of the problem!

You said "he has some interesting role-playing fantasies that I have gone along with (and enjoyed) for some time". So, you do enjoy his ideas! If I were you I'd cut myself a little slack. Your sex life sounds pretty healthy, if just a little stuck in a rut at the moment.

You *do* enjoy your encounters with him and you like his fantasies, at least in theory, but you'd probably rather have some chocolate and a nice bath Problem being, sometimes sex has to be more interesting than anything else! and if it *never* is, then there's a problem.

You just have a difficult time physically enjoying yourself as much as you would like because your BC method lowers your desire. It sounds like mostly a physical problem, not one that originates in your relationship with your BF. It *could* turn into a relationship problem if you start to think of it as him being "demanding" or "strange and kinky"or if you start to believe you don't like to have sex with him at all. Not saying you do think those things: I'm saying it would be easy to wrongly start blaming details of your sex life for something you've already determined is a physical problem that you personally are experiencing.

See if there is some way for you to ramp up your desire in general. Change birth control methods or get a different, lighter dose of the one you take now. Flirt with him! Play with him! Tease him for two days straight or have him tease you, without giving in at first. Delight in this man! One of the great things about being with someone for any real length of time is the depths of exploration you can engage in together. Another great thing is not taking sex terribly seriously and being goofy and naked at the same time and laughing until your gut hurts, while still having great sex. It happens, in time

Let your own creativity blossom, hell, do everything that comes to mind that is even remotely interesting, but YOU be the one to come up with it! and hopefully then you'll have uncontrollable and wonderfully pleasing desires of your own! and you may see his requests in a different light. Only after you feel better about your own level of desire can you really judge if his tastes are reasonable to you or not: because you have said you are having trouble with desire, period.

I sincerely hope that helps. After a little while together it really is common for one or the other partner's desire to wane. Sexual desire is one of those things that can be in a state of flux throughout a relationship: you may find yourself naturally being more desirous of him soon, and less so later, and it may always fluctuate naturally. It's normal: that's the good news. You shouldn't just put up with it: that's more good news.

Good luck and let us know how it goes for you. I feel like I've taken up much too much space ! but I suck at editing.

~sohcahtoa