My Best Friend.

[abbey]

I lay in bed early this morning and came to realise that my best friend wont be with me much longer.
She's been my best mate for all of my life and i shall miss her for the rest of mine, i settled her in hospital on Friday and sat with her for 8 hours holding her hand, just being there for her as she always has been for me.
When i left her (begrudgingly) i told her how much i loved her, and came home at 2.30am with the weight of the world on my shoulders not knowing whether i would see her again.
I was back at the hospital at 9am, she looked a little brighter, she'd had half a peice of toast for her breakfast and she was quite proud of the fact!
I watched the spark ebb during the course of the day as family poured in to visit, and by 8pm she was once again weary and no doubt wanted everybody to just bugger off and leave her alone.
She's still in the casualty admittance ward so i've yet to meet her consultant to know the prognosis, i could no doubt seek someone out to ask, but i'm scared to know the truth i guess.
What a bloody coward i am.

[abbey]

Just got back from seeing mum, i love seeing her in the morning, she looks so rested.
I was more than a little disconcerted when she told me that she did'nt like one of the nurses that was on duty in the night, she said that she was very rough with her, i asked her to explain what she meant, in what way was she rough? she said she treated her like a rag doll and she'd hurt her arms helping her off the bed to use the toilet, to try to find out more about the nurse i asked if she had an accent, she said she did'nt know because she never spoke!
I've decided to leave things and go later this evening to see if she's on duty and have a word with the night sister.
I am so fecking angry, how dare that bitch hurt my lovely little mum.

It's such good therapy writing my thoughts on here, reading and laughing at posts and playing in the arcade helps me escape fom the reality for a little while at least.

[abbey]

Had a word with the ward sister this evening and she assured me that the nurse would not be caring for my mum again, the nurse who was on tonight was lovely, so i felt much better leaving her.

As for the day, it was awful
Mum got sick and it upset my nephew who had flown back from Spain to see her, her blood was'nt clotting so they put her on a drip of a clotting agent to try to stop the internal bleeding and by this evening she was rosy cheeked and twinkly eyed again.
She's not allowed any fluids until she's stable and the poor old bean had a mouth like Ghandi's flip flop.

They normally only keep you in this ward for 24 hours before either sending you home or on to another ward but they have decided to leave her where she is, i'm pleased really, because there are always 3 doctors on the ward at one time so at least she's getting the best possible care.

Had a good talk with the sister, it's strange how we both skirted around the C word, she asked me if i realised that there was something serious with mum, i said yes and then quickly got off the subject (cowardy custard)
I've had to comfort sisters and nieces and tell them to be strong when i'm ruddywell screaming inside.
I dont get upset, always the level headed one, dependable Kate that's me, my shoulders are wet with their tears and i come home with their grief and weep alone.

Hopefully i'll go tomorow morning and mum'll be sat by her bed, dressed, bags packed ready to go home and tell me it was all just a tummy bug, i'll hug her, chastise her for worrying everybody, throw her in the car and take her to McDonalds for a happy meal that she loves so much.

[abbey]

Once again settled mum into yet another ward, that's 3 she's been in now!
It does annoy me that the doctor asks the same set of questions, it's as if they dont believe the answers, maybe they just can't be arsed reading each others notes.

She's feeling very tired and very low at the moment, understandable i suppose, i just wish she'd eat something, maybe she'd feel stronger if she had sustanance.
They seem to have managed to clot her blood ok, her poor frail arms look awful, she looks like she's done 5 rounds with Mike Tyson and she's put her arms up to defend herself.

I have to praise the NHS hospital she's in, it's very clean and they're very mindful of cross contamination, everywhere you look you see handwash,
with MRSA etc you have to be extra cautious i suppose, i watched people walking straight past without using it,
you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Thankyou to everybody that has pm'd and mailed me, it's been very comforting, bless you all.

[abbey]

I havent posted for a while, it was all doom & gloom, just a way of venting my unhappiness i guess.
The latest is, my mate is home from hospital.
I cannot believe this dear little lady has so much spirit, when she was admitted to hospital her liver was enlarged, her kidneys in failure and she was bleeding internaly(sp?), her blood pressure was seriously low and i thought she would not see the week out!
Her kidneys are fine now, they have stopped the warfarin as her blood was way too thin, hence the bleeding, they are so far at a loss as to the reason her liver is enlarged, they did suggest cirrhosis which mortified her as she never drinks, well apart from a seasonal snowball at xmas.
She has to undergo further tests on her colon and liver, fingers crossed eh?

I have to say, "Are'nt families strange?"
I have 4 sisters and 1 brother, and although they all went too visit her in hospital, not one has offered help since she came out on Thursday!
I'm physically and mentally shattered, yet not one of them has asked if mum needs any help.
I suppose it's because they have their own offspring, mum and dad cease to be their immediate family, i dont have kids so i suppose that excuses them.
Anyhoo onwards and upwards eh.......

[abbey]

Had to take mum for a blood test today, just to check that her kidneys are functioning ok,
She fell 5 weeks ago and the X-Ray showed a slight fracture on her right foot unfortunately the only treatment is rest, i could'nt put her shoes on because her foot was swollen so she had to wear her slippers (with cats embroidered on the front).
She sat on the chair in the nurses room and looked so small and sweet i wanted to scoop her up and hug her.
It took two nurses and a doctor to get the blood, every time they hit a vein it collapsed, poor old bean, she never complained once.
They were appalled at the injury on her left arm, the nurses in the hospital had taken the micropore off her arm where she'd had the drip and ripped her skin off, the district nurse comes every 3 days to dress it.
Bugger me, did'nt they go and put two plasters on her right arm today, it took me 20 minutes getting them off gently so i did'nt tear the skin.
Some medication makes the skin very fragile apparantly.

[abbey]

Seems so long ago since i last made an entry, so much has happened.
Mum was admitted back into hospital 10 days ago, her potassium levels had dropped drastically so she'd become too weak to walk.
After 4 days and much insistence on my part they finally did a gastroscopy and the sad news is, they found a mass in the bowel.
We have to wait for the results of the biopsy and she's booked in for a CT Scan, probably Monday.
She asked me not to tell the rest of the family just yet so i had to play it down and it's been so bloody hard, more so because i'd love nothing more than to unburden my feelings.
My nephew came over from Blackpool to say goodbye, he's off to live in Seville Spain tomorrow, he's very close to his "nanna" and he was heartbroken leaving her, i shall miss him.

[abbey]

Mums Catscan results came yesterday and the fantastic news was she has no secondary tumours.
The Dr is referring her to have surgery to remove the mass from her bowel, as it's in her lower bowel the chances of recovery are excellent.
Mum has refused the operation!
WTF????
I went through a rollercoaster ride last night, soaring into space then crashing back down to earth like an asteroid, it floored me.
I tried to explain that if she does'nt go ahead then it most definately will travel throughout her body.
I am going to sit down and talk to her today, i know that she's scared of having an operation, i've googled and printed the procedure to show her what to expect and i'm hoping that when she sees that she could be out of hospital within 2 week it may make her feel better.
Wish me luck.

[abbey]

I spoke to the old duffer yesterday, i told her that it was her decision and hers alone, i explained the procedure to her and the benefits and she agreed that it would be best to go ahead and have the op.
I did'nt believe a word she said!
Today she did'nt eat enough to keep a sparrow alive, i try my best to coax her, all to no avail.

I had a night visit off last night, my sisters went to visit so i decided to do some housework, with a cockatiel and a parrot in the house i had bird seed from one end of the house to the other it needed doing, i've neglected so many things lately, i have paperwork on my kitchen table stacking up and i just dont have the energy or patience to focus on it.

After four and half years, me and Ian have parted company, i just can't be bothered anymore, i'm a little sad but surely if that's all i feel then it's for the best.
The good news is, i have finally finished painting mums lounge, don't you just hate painting ceilings?
It's nice and clean for her return, hopefully after she's had the op, fingers crossed eh?

[abbey]

Mum finally had a visit from the sugeon yesterday, the bad news was the biopsy results were inconclusive, WTF???
So she now has to go through the ordeal again
She was allowed no food after midnight and was woken this morning to an enema for breakfast.
After spending all day on the loo she was told that they would'nt be able to do the procedure today!!
she's not a happy bunny.
So she has to go through it all again tomorrow.
I've started taking a cooked meal in for her midday meal as she was'nt eating the hospital food, i have to admit, after seeing the fare it does look pretty pi$$ poor, i would'nt feed it to raspberry.
So it's just a matter of waiting once again, the surgeon said he would be prepared to operate providing the anethitist (sp?) says she is strong enough.
I wanted to scream at him, "There's an 85 year old lady in the next bed who can hardly walk, waiting to go down for open heart surgery, of course she's fit enough you stupid ****"
Of course i did'nt, i just nodded and smiled politely not wanting to get on the wrong side of him.
She's been in 3 week tomorrow and she's lost 16 pounds in weight, she just can't afford to lose anymore bless her, she looks so cute toddling about in her tote socks.