Here is mine..for what it is worth.

[Marie5656]

Well, I have decided to join the club. Not sure exactly where I am going to go with this yet, but it is a start.

I have not always been comfortable sharing my self with others, and it is something I need to get past. What better place to do it, than here, among people who, for some reason, seem to like me.

When I was young, I was the outcast, one of the unpopular ones. Never very outgoing, overweight, not the cheerleader type. Therefore, few friends. When I was a sophomore in high school, I joined the drama club. I actually made several friends, but unfortunatly most were juniors and seniors...so they graduated out of my life quickly. But it was fun while it lasted. I did alot of behind the scenes stuff, bit parts in the school plays, that kind of thing. Those were actually my best memories.

I always felt very isolated, and more comfortable alone. Rick has tried to break me out of my shell, and it has worked some, but it may be too late.

Well, will stop for now, and write more later.

[Marie5656]

I am back with another installment.

God what a day. We were at my brother's house. My sister in law asked if we would take thier dog when they went on vacation next month. I said I would talk it over with Rick, and figured it would be OK. She asked how long we were out of the house during the day. I said from 7 till about 4:30 or 5. Her response...THAT LONG?? I don't know about that. Can't you come home earlier?
Thing is, Rick and I drive together to save gass money. If we drove separatly, I would be leaving a half hour later, and getting home about an hour sooner. BUT I am not sure I want to do the extra expense for two weeks so the dog is not lonesome!!

What a deliema.

[Marie5656]

I am back. This is getting fun. Thought I would expand a b it on my original post, about being a bit of an outcast, with not alot of friends. It was like that alot for me.
I think my mom had alot to do with that. When I would come home with friends, or groups of friends, she often would find something wrong with them. Nothing major..but goofy, very vain things..like that person is rather homely, or this person is overweight. She was very much fixed on appearance, and how people are seen by others.

I knw she would have a problem with Rick..for no other reason than he is a big guy. She would not be able to see beyond his appearance, which is too bad because she would be missing out on a relationship with a really nice guy.

It really bugs me when people are judged only by appearance....weight, looks, and not by other things.

Oh well.

[Marie5656]

I have spent the morning reading over many of the threads here, and responding to some. With so much being discussed about racism and hate, as well as the "lighter" posts..of folks telling about themselves I sat back and did some self reflection.
I reflected on who I am, what I believe in, and how I am seen by others. I try to be open minded in my beliefs...judging people by who they are, and not by what they are. You know what...if you are black, white, male, female, married, single, gay, straight..or whatever..if there are things about you I can identify with, and like..then you just may become a friend. If our individual personalities clash, it is because of who we are..not what we are.

As for me as a person...I am sure there are many things about me that are unlikeable. I know Nomad may not like my trait of being a bit of a clutter hound, and not always keeping the neatest home. I learned today that he is a bit of a neat freak. I mean, my house is not a pit of garbage and bugs..but it could be neater, that is it. Rick gets bugged about it alot. I am working on being better at that.

My parents....racist, and they did try to instill that in me. Did not work. It took a bit in one of my brothers, but I am oposite of what they have believed in. And I feel I am a better person for it.

[Marie5656]

Well, I have done alot of reflecting over the past few days, and to be honest I am really dissappointed.

I am making these coments here so that my thoughts do not turn into a public shooting gallery.

I am feeling the need to maybe just step back and observe for a while. I am totally upset by what I have been reading here over the last week or so. Petty fighting, back stabbing, ganging up on new members, causing them to go on the defensive and, basically fight back. Then everyone gets up in arms because they have fought back, or gotten upset, or left.

We are supposedly all adults here, at least chronologically. Emotionally, and behaviorally I am not sure. I am reminded of what things were like in high school. One person decides not to like someone, for whatever reason..and all thier friends join in, even if they barely know the person, or do not know why they are supposed to not like the person..except that the "popular kids" don't like them.

OK, I see that Jives has crossed paths with many here..and with his words has gotten people upset with him.

So, he takes some time off, seeing he is not wanted here. When he comes back, hat in hand, willing to start fresh, what happens? He is attacked again. What are his offences this time...My God..he has dared to go into BR's thread, acknowledge they have not gotten on well, and in an attempt to make ammends with her, he gives her some kind words and wishes hr well. THEN he gets blasted for being a man, and acknowledging someones pain.

Next, the man dares to have a birthday, and some here choose to wish him well, to which he graciously expresses his thanks, and leaves. Only to be blasted again!!

Then another newbie comes, BDS, and is automatically made to feel like a second class citizen for appearing to be someone else. Even though it was proven he was not. OK, when he took time off, and came back, he was less that gracious, and that did not make me happy, and I said so. But give me a break.
What is wrong with you. I think I do need to step back awhile. And before you blame Jives for yet another casuality..don't. It is not him. But those of you who continue to blast him, nail him to a cross and show your true colors. Even when he has currently done nothing wrong.

NOMAD...you are among those who have dissappointed me. So you can take partial blame for my deciding to take a break.

So, read this, think what you want, but please no public displays of outrage at others till you look at yourselves. Remember, whenever you point a finger at someone, there are three fingers pointing back at you!! Many of the "old timers" here are just as responsible for people leaving, by virtue of thier behavior.

I deal with pettiness, and arguing enough in the real world. I come here to get away from it, not to be subjected to more of the same.

[Marie5656]

I have been lurking about a bit in the less than 24 hours since I wrote my latest entry.

I still stand by what I say, though I am sure I will have upset many with that post. I do not apologise for it. I was just giving voice to my thoughts on what has happened of late.

If some wonder why I mentioned Nomad in that post, let me clarify. I like the guy! Nomad you are witty, and funny and often right on the mark. I am dissapointed more in your invasion of innocent posts about and by Jives and being blatently rude to him. So, it were your words that upset me, not you.

I could have made that last statement to Nomad via PM, but I wanted everyone to have a chance to read it.

I am going to look at every individual who joins this forum on thier individual merits, and make my own decisions whether to "like" them or not. I am going to try very hard to NOT be influenced by the words of others, or by past actions of people here, if thier current actions show them attempting to make ammends for past infractions.

I will not pass judgement on others rashly or quickly, as I hope you will allow me m y say without rashly passing judgement on me.

[Marie5656]

Online Friendships vs real Life friendships

Alot has been said here, and elsewhere about online vs real life friendships. Some see them as different from each other...others see a friendship as a friendship..whether you leave across the street, or across the world from the person.

I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I have often said, not here publicly, but elsewhere, and privately here..that I often have tried to separate the two.
I have tried to view myself as being "truer" to my RL friends and aquaintances...and seeing my online interactions as simply that, friendly conversations with folks I have met throgh the internet. Rather like the pen pals we had when we were young.

Would I go out of my way to mee people I know solely through the internet...I am not sure. If Criss lived, and was hospitalized, closer to me..say within a couple of hour drive, then yes, I would hve taken the time to go and pay her a visit, once she was well enough.

If someone from this community were to PM me and say "Hey, I am going to be passing through Rochester, lets get together for a visit"...I would be Mapquesting the directions to my house for them.

But beyond that...I am not sure. I really LIKE the people here, and in some way, consider many of you friends. But I see it as a different type of friendship than RL.

OK, I am speaking as someone who has never had alot of friends...mostly aquaintances. I am probably friendlier with more people here, than in real life. But that is just me. I do not open up easily. I sometimes wonder if a face to face meeting with people would even go well.

I do not hide the real me here, or at least I try not to. And I would never embellish who I am just to score points. I am just often uncomfortable face to face.

Am I making any sense at all here?

[Marie5656]

So, anyway, it has not been a good week for me.

I was sick for a couple of days with one of those "Just let me die now" stomach bugs. Not sure if it was something I ate (not spinach) or what. Then I was having bad headaches on top of it all.

Then it got worse. OK, I am not a good money manager. I was in serious financial trouble when Rick and I first were dating. he has tried to help me get over my bad spending habits, but it has been hard. Thing being, hand me a credit card, or any access to money, and I think I have to use it...on garbage and stuff I do not need.

Then I have trouble owning up to Rick about it, and all hell breaks out. We fight and carry one and things do not go well. I am not sure how to get myself better able to handle money, and dealing with being totally honest about stuff like that.

I am just afraid that if and when I have to be on my own again, things will not go well for me.

Sometimes I just do not know where to turn.

[Marie5656]

Wow. What a weekend. We had the guy come out to look at our poor damaged roof. He patched up the worse spot...where it was leaking into the house, and cut back the branches of the tree that was over hanging that part of the roof.
He looked over the whole roof and said he did not think just putting new shingles over the existing roof would help us. The current roof and supports underneath aare too far gone in spots. He figures it will be upwards of $3000 to relpce the roof completly.
So he said that if they put a tar seal over the roof, it would hold for the winter. Now we have to see if we can hold off till spring to replace the roof.
We are gonna be in debt for a good long while, it seems.

[Marie5656]

I have not made a post here in a while. So I figured I would catch up.
I have been having a rough patch of it. Rick and I are going through a rough time of it, and for a while it looked as if we would not survive this problem.

As I have mentioned in prior journal entries, I am not the best money manager, and also not the best at being up front and telling Rick everything. I am not sure I will ever totally be good at either. And yes, my marriage may end up being a casuality of this.

I cannot handle money well, should not have a credit card for any length of time.

I am not sure why I can talk about things here and not bring them up to the person who matters most in my life.

It scares me that I have these imperfections, and I do not know how to make them better. Counseling has not helped. Threats of Rick leaving bring it to a head..but then I cannot seem to change my inability to manage money..or talk it out with him with out lying, or hiding the truth.