Mothers and Daughters

[KayKay]

I have four adult daughters and three out of four of them continually are in conflict with me. I am not understanding how this could happen as I was a dedicated, stay-at-home mother and now it seems that for everything that goes wrong in their lives, they have me to blame. It is driving me crazy and I find I have to defend myself all of the time. It hurts me so much I have decided to seek therapy to find out if I am doing something wrong. One of my daughters however supports me and feels it is the oldest daughter that is trying to dethrone me so that the others will rally around her.

Does anyone else have problems in a mother/daughter relationship? If so, I would love to hear how you handle it as I feel I am close to disengaging entirely with the oldest one to spare me this pain.

[Peg]

Originally Posted by KayKay

I have four adult daughters and three out of four of them continually are in conflict with me. I am not understanding how this could happen as I was a dedicated, stay-at-home mother and now it seems that for everything that goes wrong in their lives, they have me to blame. It is driving me crazy and I find I have to defend myself all of the time. It hurts me so much I have decided to seek therapy to find out if I am doing something wrong. One of my daughters however supports me and feels it is the oldest daughter that is trying to dethrone me so that the others will rally around her.

Does anyone else have problems in a mother/daughter relationship? If so, I would love to hear how you handle it as I feel I am close to disengaging entirely with the oldest one to spare me this pain.

Sounds to me like you need to tell them that they are adults now and it is time to grow up and move on with their lives.

[valerie]

I had major problems with my Mom for many years, I think the only thing
that helped with us was the passage of time. Sorry, I know that doesn't
help much. But then for many many more years we had the BEST relationship,
I loved to call her and just chat on the phone.

I am concerned that you say you have to defend yourself, do you really?
Maybe there are ways you can deflect or just out and out change the
subject. Don't buy in to whatever they are giving you. You are you and
did your best, 'nuff said.

The really sad thing is they might just wake up one day and be sorry they
acted the way they did.

Some people just like to stir things up, I think, and there really is no rhyme
or reason why. Maybe you are just the "whipping boy" when they have a
ton of problems in their lives.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong but really without knowing more
it's kinda hard to say. But maybe therapy is a good idea, you might feel
better getting it out even if it doesn't change THEM.

Hang in there.

[minks]

Originally Posted by valerie

I had major problems with my Mom for many years, I think the only thing
that helped with us was the passage of time. Sorry, I know that doesn't
help much. But then for many many more years we had the BEST relationship,
I loved to call her and just chat on the phone.

I am concerned that you say you have to defend yourself, do you really?
Maybe there are ways you can deflect or just out and out change the
subject. Don't buy in to whatever they are giving you. You are you and
did your best, 'nuff said.

The really sad thing is they might just wake up one day and be sorry they
acted the way they did.

Some people just like to stir things up, I think, and there really is no rhyme
or reason why. Maybe you are just the "whipping boy" when they have a
ton of problems in their lives.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong but really without knowing more
it's kinda hard to say. But maybe therapy is a good idea, you might feel
better getting it out even if it doesn't change THEM.

Hang in there.

I am a rare duck, my mother has always been my very best friend. I can't imagine life differently.

[CARLA]

KayKay,

Sweetie, I feel your pain.. !! I only have 1 adult daughter, but it has been a rocky relationship for many, many years..@!!

I will gladly be a available for drink, chat, and just plain bitching, when ever you need to discuss our daughters !!!

[KayKay]

It is good to know I am not the only one with these problems. I am trying not to be so sensitive to it. I am hoping she will get help to understand how to accept me the way I am which according to my other children is not bad.

[koan]

Sometimes when you devote yourself to your children they resent you as an interference/overbearing. Really they are just trying to find out who they are and take their frustrations out on you. It is hard to say exactly how they got the negative impressions but I highly recommend to you and any other parent of girls the book "Reviving Ophelia". My daughter is only nine but I am already reading it to help me cope with what she will be going through as she grows up. Please check it out.

[Cass]

Hi KayKay... the one daughter that you have a good relationship with ~ What does she say about your situation with her three sisters?

I have a friend with 2 daughters (16 & 18) that walk all over her like she is a slave and they own her. I cannot believe the disrespect I see/hear in that house by these two spoiled, self centered brats... maybe it will change when they get older - but they way the treat their mother is deplorable.

I hope your girls respect you even though you are having a rough go of it right now.

[Paula]

KayKay, i have sons, they don't pull too much on me? I know when they are mad, i always listen. If they do things to me i don't agree with, i tell them, you have "something" wrong with you? I am honest and giving, it is difficult, usually the problem stems from the father? The father sets examples towards the mother, children will follow? Buy a Sweat Shirt & have it Screen Printed: a message for them, example: I need a HUG! or Innocent until Proven Gulity...let them know how you feel. speak UP!

[KayKay]

Interestingly, my daughters were very respectful growing up. It was not until after their father left me after 30 years of marriage that the eldest of five started to pull her weight with me. She is a very successful business woman and she carries over her power from her professional position into her family life. She has spent a lot of money on two of my daughters so they feel some obligation to her. The other one will not take anything from her because she knows it comes with strings attached. This makes my eldest angry because she loses her control with her. I have one son and he will not have anything to do with her in part because of the way she treats me and also because she is so surface and materialistic.