Dear Friend

[Imladris]

I have lots of random thoughts that go through my mind and often have no-one to listen to them so I thought that if I put them down here I may be able to marshall them into some semblance of order - probably not.

I don't know how to help my friend whose son has cancer, it's not responded as well to chemo as was hoped so he now has to have more chemo some radiotherapy and at some stage an operation which may involve leg amputation. The trouble is from what i've read this is not good, his chances of being 'cured' has drastically reduced as the initial chemo is the one that make the difference. How do you comfort a friend when you think her son has got one hell of a battle ahead that he just might not win. Then to make it worse his class mate and close friend has just been diagnoses with almost identical cancer.

Sometimes there's just too much to think about. Add onto this I have some decisions to make regarding work - do I carry on or not. My decision affects G and his working and although he's not putting pressure on me I feel it anyway.

Then there's oldest daughter and her boyfriend who she says she's splitting up with but never gets round to it - why can't she see that he's a waste of space from a family of space wasters? He's just a leach - he sucks every good thing out of her life but he's got a hold over her somehow.

That'll do for now, be back next time brain overheats.

[Imladris]

Well today was nice - my brother and his wife and one of their boys came round this morning, bruv's been under some pressure at work lately and had been looking ill but today he was looking much better, still got the problems but I think he's feeling a bit more positive about it.

Still, haven't made the decision re work but have got more ideas about different options so that's good too!

I'm starting to look forward to Christmas, I always feel pressure to make Christmas special for others but I think this year I'm going to have a touch of the 'oh sod it's - it's not up to me to make other people have a good time - it's up to them to!!

Tomorrow we have family coming round for lunch - my three great nieces and nephew who are such fun and really lovely kids.

There are lots of positive things in my life - I just have to look for them sometimes, perhaps that's what I'll do one day, list them to look at every now and then.

[Imladris]

Well, have made the decision regarding work - will continue but work only when I have to. I'm lucky that being self-employed gives me this luxury and I fully appreciate that others don't have that choice. What swayed me to a degree was the pitiful amount of benefit I would receive and a couple of weeks ago I hurt my back and had to spend a week at home, I was so bored, I think I am one of those people that needs to work - but will moan about having to do so!!

Today is my daughter's 12th birthday, she was so excited bless her. I know I'm biased but she's a little love, she gets just as excited for other people's birthdays. She's very special to me and we're very close. The whole circumstances of getting pregnant and having her were no fun and looking back I realise how close we were to not having her at all, I count my blessings often.

I'm a bit stunned by all the nastiness that's going on here at the moment, obviously loads of stuff has gone on before I joined and a lot of muck racking is taking place. I just find it sad that a place that I enjoy and love is being spoilt and all these divisions are going on. There are people here I don't particularly like or am wary of but I try to avoid them, I just don't like fights - more of a lover than a fighter!!! (don't know if hubby would agree!!!) I know sometimes I come over as a bit flippant but it's just my nature. I've been rebuffed and bullied enough to learn that sometimes it's easier to keep people at arms length but when I learn to trust someone I'll trust them forever.
God I sound really pious - unintentional so I'll leave it in!

[Imladris]

Yesterday was an I hate everything and everyone day. Don't know why, just felt really miserable all day and ended up blowing my top and having a proper rant and a sulk and a good cry. Felt better for it but sad that it happened.

I have had depression a few times in the past and get very down occasionally - not enough to say I'm depressed again but enough to feel really bad - yesterday was just one of those times.

Today I feel much more positive - life isn't that bad after all! Still got a long list of stuff to do before Christmas but I always manage to get it done so no point in worrying about it.

My poor old Dad lost his job last week. He's been a sales rep for as long as I can remember and earlier this year was made redundant, he was lucky enough to get a new job quite quickly but selling is not easy at the moment and despite working really hard he couldn't meet his targets so that's it, just before Christmas no job. Poor chap - he has to find another job now, he's nearly 64 but can't afford to retire just yet. I'd like him to win the lottery - just enough to say 'I don't need a job, I'm going to take life a bit easier' but we all dream of that!!

Still, it's nearly Christmas, there will be 13 of us for Christmas Day and then 10 for Boxing Day so it should be noisy fun!!

[Imladris]

Just seen how long it's been since I was here.

Well, Christmas was OK except for our poor little grandson having a horrible tummy bug and throwing up all over hubby. He's fine now.

Oldest daughter has finally seen sense and chucked her ex out. I think what prompted her was her younger sister splitting up with her boyfriend. (Although I think that they might get back together) It's about time - they've been together for ages but neither have been truely happy since day one. He's always been keeping an eye out for another girl and spends half his time putting daughter down.

Tomorrow I'm on a jolly - every year the local Rotary put on a day of interview practice for the year 11's from the secondary school. It's great fun, the kids get dressed up in best clothes and are interviewed by a panel of two people. We have had their letters of application and their cv's and get to grill them! It's really interesting to see these kids - the ones with the worst letters often turn out to be the most driven and interesting kids. (and there's a free lunch at the hotel that hosts it!!)

[Imladris]

Wow! What a weekend - the long awaited meet!

I am so glad I went, such an amazing bunch of people. I was a bit apprehensive when I first decided to go - didn't know if I'd fit in but I did! (I think)

Just in case anyone who went reads this I'd like them to know that I enjoyed the company of every single person who was there. For such a diverse group of people there so much common ground.

I knew that I'd like Hammy, Jimbo, Pinky, Krammy and Wendybird but I was so thrilled that I liked the rest immediately too!

I already felt like my cyber friends are RL friends too but those friendships have become just that much more special.

[Imladris]

Had some bad news today and not sure how to handle it. My friends son who has cancer has been told that it has grown and is no longer treatable. I don't know how long he has left as I haven't spoken to them yet, they have only just had the news and I think I need to give them a little longer before getting in touch. They are such a well known and well loved family in this town that they will be bombarded with love and visitors. I know that I will make contact soon but what do I say? How do you talk to a mother whose son is dying? I can't bring her any comfort. As well as feeling so desperately sad I'm bloody angry too. Such a lovely young man with so much potential - what a waste, cancer is so evil, he hasn't even left school yet.

I'll come back again another day when I feel more positive.

[Imladris]

It's been a while since I was here, it's been a strange time lately.

My dad had to go to hospital with gall stones and is now home but waiting for a date for an operation. I had a few days of ferrying mum back and forth, what with that and worrying about dad it was very tiring and stressful.

My Nan had her 90th birthday recently, lovely occasion, lots of family together and she had a lovely time, bless her.

Hubby and grandson share a birthday next week - 50 and 2.

So many good times and happy memories.

So why do I feel that life is passing me by at times. There should be more to it than this or should there? Don't know, I'll think on it.

[Imladris]

Update re dad - has a date for an op to remove the very big gall stone, is losing weight really quickly on a very low fat diet and is much better. Phew!

Been busy with work and not had much time to be here lately but nothing much seems to change really. Always someone whinging about someone else. Sometimes I just feel like reaching in through the screen and banging some heads together. We are supposed to be adults yet some behave like kids, no worse than kids because they are still learning about acceptable behaviour.

I can say what I like here because it's my journal so I will from now on, when some of this stupidity and irritating behaviour annoys me I think I'll just come here and sound off - it's got to be better than letting it fester. I come here for fun not all the other crap.

To start with, I admire Red Glitter and Valerie for building bridges and announcing that fact to others here.

I hate the 'we've fallen out in the past so I'm going to assume that everything you say is a dig at me' responses from certain members- for goodness sake!!

Right I feel better now - onwards!

[Imladris]

After some of the stuff I've read here and elsewhere in the last couple of days my opinion of some people has changed, and that really saddens me. I've always been one to take people at face value, assume that people are good at heart and that they don't really have hidden agendas most of the time. Obviously I'm wrong - must be very naive or just too trusting.

So what do I do? Assume that everone is playing games and that no-one is quite what they seem? I don't think so, I think I'll just carry on believing and trusting but maybe not as much as before.