Mothers-in-law

[BabyRider]

This thread was inspired by KayKay. Don't know why I didn't think to post it before...

Over Thanksgiving, I met my mother-in-law to-be. She flew up from Georgia to spend 5 days with us. In our home. (Talk about pressure.) My fiance (Matt) had warned me she was a bit "different". Eccentric, opinionated, sometimes flat-out mean. He had spent 5 years not speaking to her, and after rekindling communication, still had not seen her in 2 years. When she got here, we were left to our own devices as Matt had to go to work. We talked, went out for a drink, made dinner together, and were having a very nice time. After we were a bit more comfortable with each other, she began talking about her religion. She is a Jehovah's Witness, and had raised Matt in this church. He has since left the church for several reasons. Her mission while she was here was to get him "back into the fold". Matt and I had discussed this and decided that neither of us had any interest in pursuing religion in any form. (His church burned him pretty bad. As did mine.) When I became aware of her intentions, I made it very clear to her that I did not appreciate the pressure she would be putting on Matt, and please not do it to him. He's 35, and capable of making these decisions. She immediately became defensive and said it was a mistake to come.
The following day, Thanksgiving, while we were at my mother's, (and she had not said one word to me) Matt came to me and said "She wants to go. I'm taking her to a hotel, and she will be flying back tomorrow." So she left. She has not spoken to Matt since. I feel awful for Matt, even though he says he is fine with it, he's used to it. Now she is in contact with Matt's ex-wife, the two of them having a grand ol' time ripping on him and me. Any thoughts on this from anyone?
And on the lighter side, can anyone beat my record for alienating your mother-in-law in less than 2 days? (haha)

[capt_buzzard]

I once threatened my Mother in Law with abuse. And told her nicely I'd have her committed. She looked at me with horror in her eyes.

[greydeadhead]

Well.. as long as he it okay with it. I don't think that this is anything that can be mended in the near future. If she is as devout as you describe her, no matter what he does, it will not be enuff for her. As far as alienating the Mother in Law in 2 days.. nope.. took me 3 to get my Ex's parents to leave.. but that was both of them.. a 2 bagger so to speak...

[purple]

Been there, done that. Sorry you have, too.

Your FMIL probably isn't going to stop trying to convert him. Her beliefs are that God will personally put her to death if she doesn't do her best to try to convert each and every person. Additionally, her social status in her group is elevated if she succeeds. I could go on and on, but just be aware that she has the most powerful reasons for continuing her objectionable behavior.

Another thing is that she believes it's bad to socialize with non-believers. Also she believes she must take a stand about everything to be sure her beliefs and moral stance on everything are known. If her taking a stand in her mind means staying away from the two of you altogether, so be it, that's her choice.

The only thing you can do is to just continue to be polite to her whenever you interact, but don't allow any discussions of a religious nature to occur if you object to them. Firmly state you don't wish to discuss it, and stick to your guns--don't allow the discussions to occur.

I wouldn't be surprised if you start to receive little packages with religious literature in them soon. Or letters that start out normal and then have religious propaganda stuck in them. I have someone like this in my life and after 20 years of ineffective firm politeness I've informed her I'll be marking everything 'return to sender' since she won't abide by my wishes.

Sounds like you did a good thing for you and Matt. I can not even imagine that situation. My whole In-law family is so nice! His mom is like my best friend. We talk daily.

[ScoupeSlave]

i say just to ignore her. i had to ignore my family for them to stop meddling in my family. they hate my fiance. but there is nothing that i can do to change their mind. i love my family very much but i can't let them get in between me and my decisions. but that is just how i feel. i wouldn't give her the attention that she wants at this point. if you do, you are just supporting her behavior.

[BabyRider]

All very sound advice...Grey: I guess technically you would have me beat, right? 2 in 3 days is 1 each day and a half!!
Purple: If I start getting packages with religious stuff in them, at least I'll have kindling for the fireplace!
Tmbsgrl: It would be really nice if I could have a good relationship with his mom. He has a sister who lives in Pennsylvania, but dosen't see her much either. There may be hope for the two of us at least! It's great that you can talk to his mom. I envy you just the teeniest bit.
Scoupe: I think you're right. She has already alienated her daughter years ago, and Matt is all she has left, so she clings to him like a drowning victim. Matt's not one to respond to "clinginess" real well.
Thanks all, for the tips and support. Hope to hear even more...

[Cass]

Good thing she lives in Georgia and not down the blook

Don't worry about it, sounds like Matt has a good head on his shoulders, you are all grown adults and maybe MIL will come around one day to realize he is not a child and she cannot control him.

As for the ex-wife getting cozy with the MIL, that is odd, try not to let it bother you... you really cannot control stuff like that so don't sweat it.

[BabyRider]

Hey Cassie! I feel more guilty for Matt than for not having a good relationship with my MIL. But, you're right, don't sweat the stuff you can't control. I was glad to hear from you. I thought that after the debate about hunting, you'd never want to talk to me again! I don't want to make ANY enemies here! So, thanks again...

[Cass]

Originally Posted by BabyRider

Hey Cassie! I feel more guilty for Matt than for not having a good relationship with my MIL. But, you're right, don't sweat the stuff you can't control. I was glad to hear from you. I thought that after the debate about hunting, you'd never want to talk to me again! I don't want to make ANY enemies here! So, thanks again...

Oh sheesh.. I meant to tell you, I was writing this ginormous post to you. then I got distracted with the phone.. and then I lost it somehow... it was huge and I was so p/o'd - coz you know I put my heart and soul into my big posts

I never have made it back over there to repost... sorry about that, was not ignoring you!