A day in the life...

I went to see my mum after work today. I don't see her that often for one reason or another, and she lives abroad for a lot of the year anyway.
She's one of the most non-judgemental people I've ever known, but also one of the most understanding and honest, and it goes both ways...I tell her stuff and she tells me stuff, and neither will ever betray the other's confidence.
It was a real relief just to talk about things that I want to get shot of in my life, things that are making me really happy, and where we think life is going for me and for her. The nicest thing is that she always tells me that whatever I do, it must be the right thing for me..no negativity there whatsoever.
It's only the last few years I've really started to appreciate that she's not just my mum, she's also a damn good friend.

It seems like most people I know are having such a rotten time of things at the moment, my oldest friend had a total breakdown at work today, and couldn't go and do her lessons. I had half her classes in with mine and another colleague took the other half, so it's been a strange day all round. I'm now on my way out to spend the night at her place, as she rang me aboyt ten minutes ago saying can't face being on her own.
I feel really bad, as while things aren't right here and haven't been for ages, it just no longer affects me. In fact I'm the happiest that I've been for ages!
I just wish I could literally wave the magic wand and make things better for the people that need it.

I had such an nice day today, I din't expect to end up in such a black mood. it was really chilled out and relaxed, reading, doing a bit of cleaning up to the radio, etc.
I said I'd go round to see Jane and George; he's another pagan mate with a load of books that he's clearing out, so I was totally grateful!

We went to their local, sang a few songs...they put me down for stuff that I've never done before the buggers!

Anyway, through the end of the last one, I see a face glaring at me, and I know I have to get in the car and go home after that, which isn't good.
Normally I can cope, deal with stuff, but this week has been so emotially draining, trying to support everyone else that I seem to have ignored the signs of things kicking off here. My own fault, I should know 'em by now.

God, I'm in such a dark mood. It feels like whatever I do will all go to sh1t eventually anyway, so I don't know what the point in trying is, or even what I'm trying to achieve anymore. What's the point in being so positive when you just get slapped down again and again?

I know I'll be back to myself in a few days, and I'm going to try and be cheerful and positive here because I really need a laugh right now, but please forgive me if I'm not the normal chirpy me at the mo, as I'm finding it hard to motivate myself.
Please don't ask me about it or tell me how great I am; I know it's BS and so does everyone else.

I really don't know what I'm supposed to do at this point, apart from vent a bit and go back to the way things are...maybe I'm too idealistic? Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I'm just a total bitch like I keep getting told I am.
I try to be the best person that I can be, but it's never enough somehow.
I have my faults, and I know well enough what they are by now, but am I really that bad a person?
God knows I try my best not to be. I think before I act these days, I take responsibilty, which makes me think if something happens repeatedly, there must be something that I'm doing...
I just don't know. I don't set out to antagonise anyone, I try and do everything I can for anyone that needs my help.
I'm just searching to find the answer to my own rhetorical question...where am I going wrong?

To my very good friends, thankyou so much. You'll never know quite how much I appreciate you, but I really do. I don't find it easy to talk by any means, so thanks for putting up with me.

Well, there's a great start to the week. I woke up late - 8.30 in fact, so I've had to ring into work and say the car wouldn't start, and knowing my luck, it probably won't now, knowing the law according to sod!
Crikey, I feel so nervous about all the stuff I know is coming, but I know I have to push myself to do it and make some changes...I can't help feeling a little bit scared at the same time though. Stupid innit?
I have no idea what's out there for me, or how drastically life will change. It kind of feels like I'm about to jump headfirst into space without knowing whether I might end up in a black hole or even worse, aliens! (Still got the sense of humour though!)

I've come back to add a bit onto this..again, I've spent the morning talking to a couple of friends who have made me realise that worrying about stuff is normal, and I should just quit questioning my own decisions so much. I also know that I have to stop worrying that my friends and family will think I'm a total loser because I need them to be around for me. It won't stop me feeling like a complete muppet though
I know I'm just having a bit of a wobbly moment, but it will pass as all things do and I'll be fine.

Well, things are starting to turn around at last!
From feeling trapped, hopeless and despairing, I feel like my life and my decisions really are mine again.
Some options have opened up for me which I didn't expect, and now I'm not hiding stuff from the people around me, I feel like I'm free to move forward at last.

People at work have been fab, so have most of my friends. I know it won't be long now until I can step forward into a new phase of my life. A couple of days ago I felt a bit scared about it, now I just can't wait!

Ha - I feel unstoppable!

It's been a funny old day, full of ups and downs.
I had a meeting today with the deputy, who is a really lovely lady. I knew I had to fill her in on what's going on with me at the moment, so after about five minutes of shifting about and not making any sense, the lot comes out.
She was absolutely great - she gave me the number of a housing association who deals with keyworkers.

I never thought this would be a bonus, but because the school we're at has a reputation for 'rough' kids and is in a deprived area and most staff don't stay long, chances are I stand quite a good chance of getting a subsidised place to rent. I never thought working for a difficult school would have it's advantages...
Plus she was understanding about my circumstances, and reassured me that if I needed time away to deal with things it wouldn't be an issue.

So, I came out of the meeting relieved, but a bit shaky. I walked straight into the staffroom to get a cup of tea and made a comment that there were no paper towels...not nastily or anything, just an observation.
The next thing I know the caretaker is standing there ranting on about how it's not his job to fill the paper towel dispenser up, who do we think we all are...you get the picture.
I dunno what it is with people, both him and the demon photocopy lady think they have the right to talk to anyone that's usually calm and polite like a bit of poo.
Well, today something took over and I let him have it good and proper, which I'm not proud of, and actually pretty mortified about.
Half the staff stood with jaws hanging open as normally-nice-polite-to-everyone me screeched away and called him a pompous jobsworth who needs to learn some f'ing manners, and if he can't do that, then just shut TF up altogether.

Oops. I haven't been in the staffroom for the rest of the day now, I'm too embarrassed. I'll have to apologise tomorrow.

Right, I'll have to rush home in a bit to sling some stuff in a bag and pick a few bits up. It'll be so nice to get away for a few days!
Just to be able to let my hair down properly without worrying...god, I'm going to go mental having fun! I've had a few days of going out or keeping out of the way because I am going away...I can't be dealing with the sullen moods or sarky comments, but It's like that every time I go visiting. It's never stopped me though!

I guess it'll be strange not being online for a few days...daft really as I'll be with a lot of people I talk to on here anyway! Won't stop me missing the rest of you though!
At least it'll give someone else the chance to be top poster, hehe!

Ever feel like you just want to smack your head against the wall repeatedly?
Yup, that's me at the mo. I don't get stroppy very often, and I usually get out of it pretty fast too and even if I can't I manage to keep it under control....I dunno, I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't get out of the house for a bit, so after I finish this I'll be off for a few hours.
I need to go and see my dad again anyway...I just hop he doesn't insist on coming with me because I think my head will blow up if he does!
It's getting to the point where every little thing irritates and he just won't get out of my face - I can't even have a bloody bath in peace
It's doing my head iiiiiiiinnnn!!!!!
So, I come here to chill out and wind down for a bit only to find that unless I'm the usual dippy, slightly mental person that everyone is used to, I kinda feel like I shouldn't be posting. Oh well, I'll go be miserable elsewhere and come back later when I feel more like 'me'.

I can feel myself slipping into a really negative frame of mind again, and I'm trying my best to get out of it - whacking on the happy tunes, trying to have a laugh and a joke here, but I can't seem to stave it off, it just keeps creeping up on me.
I'm not going to log on when I feel like this, because it's not fair to foist my crap onto other people, let's face it, everyone has their own stuff to deal with.
It makes me feel guilty because I know another friend really needs my support right now, but I just feel like I can't even try to give it because I'll probably just make things worse, and why would they want my advice anyway? I'm not exactly a role model for success after all - fun on the outside, worthless on the inside isn't a recipe for getting where you want to be.
So, I'm sorry if I'm not giving people the support that I normally would, I hope they'll forgive me. I'll do my best when I'm my old self again.