I am Sorry for bothering you!

I am sorry to be bothering you about my problems and it probably sounds like i am whining but here is the thing. My mother is being so Selfish. She is making me really upset. She has been talking about paying for my reception back home in Chicago, well we were talking about it & she flipped out cause i said my dad & his fiancee are going to be there along with all my dads brother and sisters. She said that she does not want them to be in the same room as her. Then she told me she don't want My new family there ( Tim's family) I wanted so bad to tell her " fine then you know what we are not going to be there." If we did it her way we would have to have 3 receptions ..( one here in az for all our friends, one with my mom& another with my dad and Tim's family) That is a bit much. We are all one big family now. We all need to get along. Am i overreactting? When did this become what she wants. Isn't it supposed to me Mine & Tim's day! Then she procedded to tell me that if i changed my mind about it just being Tim and i then if my dad & his family were there that she wasn't going to be there. What do i do. I want to make both of them happy. My dad doesn't mind seeing my mom and her family. It is my Mother! what would you all do?

[BabyRider]

Oh, Susie, I'm SOOOO sorry you have one of "those" mothers. Here's what I would do: Pay for the reception yourselves. Get help from your dad, get help where you need it, but DON'T take money for this party from your mother. It takes away all her say-so, and then, if she dosen't go, it's on her. Explain that you want her there, but are not going to have several receptions to keep her out of sight from your father. This is inexcusable. This day is YOURS AND TIM'S. NOT HERS!!!! She should put her petty B.S. attitude aside, make your day easy for you, and not deal with your dad at all! Is it going to be such a small gathering that she will be forced to talk to him? Here's another suggestion: Tell her to jump on the Garden, here, and we can tell her what a selfish person she is being.
Seriously...Don't let her pay for a thing, plan your party, invite EVERYONE, and tell your mom: "This is how it is, like it or lump it." I'd wager a whole month's worth of tips that if you take the power from her, she'll be at your reception. Just don't let her lay the guilt trip on you. I've been going on my mom's guilt trips for 34 years...It's just not worth it. If you have to, just SNAP. Flip out in front of her and tell her how much harder she is making things for you!
And by the way....This IS the "Advice and Relationships" forum, right? How could you be bothering anyone coming here for advice??? Luv ya!

Originally Posted by BabyRider

Oh, Susie, I'm SOOOO sorry you have one of "those" mothers. Here's what I would do: Pay for the reception yourselves. Get help from your dad, get help where you need it, but DON'T take money for this party from your mother. It takes away all her say-so, and then, if she dosen't go, it's on her. Explain that you want her there, but are not going to have several receptions to keep her out of sight from your father. This is inexcusable. This day is YOURS AND TIM'S. NOT HERS!!!! She should put her petty B.S. attitude aside, make your day easy for you, and not deal with your dad at all! Is it going to be such a small gathering that she will be forced to talk to him? Here's another suggestion: Tell her to jump on the Garden, here, and we can tell her what a selfish person she is being.
Seriously...Don't let her pay for a thing, plan your party, invite EVERYONE, and tell your mom: "This is how it is, like it or lump it." I'd wager a whole month's worth of tips that if you take the power from her, she'll be at your reception. Just don't let her lay the guilt trip on you. I've been going on my mom's guilt trips for 34 years...It's just not worth it. If you have to, just SNAP. Flip out in front of her and tell her how much harder she is making things for you!
And by the way....This IS the "Advice and Relationships" forum, right? How could you be bothering anyone coming here for advice??? Luv ya!

Thanks but it is just frustrating & i don't know how she can do this on OUR day. Of all days.

[Peg]

Isn't your mom remarried? Then she needs to get over the divorce and learn to deal with it. Remind her this is YOUR day and not hers.

[samanthaguy]

JUST REMEMBER THIS IS YOUR WEDDING DAY, YOU MAKE THIS DAY THE WAY YOU AND TIM WANT IT. YOUR MOTHER OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD UNDRSTAND THAT.. DONT LET ANYONE SPOIL THIS FOR YOU... GOOD LUCK AND CONGRATS

[Erinna1112]

You're absolutely right...this is your day. You can't please everyone, and you have to decide where the boundaries are. Speaking of which, that's the title of a great book - "Boundaries" - it's by Dr. Henry Cloud...I enthusiastically recommend it.

BabyRider had some great advice. Don't take any money from her; that removes her from the decision-making process.

You have to stand up for yourself. She can't dictate the guest list at YOUR reception, and you need to tell her this now. You have every right to have whoever you want there, especially your father.

Tell her, "This is the guest list. I'm inviting these people because I love them and want them to share my special day. You're invited; whether you show up or not is up to you." Then leave it.

I wrote her a letter lastnight, She has not said anything to me yet. But she is probably busy with work. I do not see her all the time. I live 2000 miles away from her.

[minks]

Originally Posted by tmbsgrl

I wrote her a letter lastnight, She has not said anything to me yet. But she is probably busy with work. I do not see her all the time. I live 2000 miles away from her.

Wow girl it looks like you are in need of some stress relief

[purple]

I recently had a similar situation, and it was very stressful.

What we decided is to invite everyone we wanted. People's issues/conflicts with each other are just that--things with EACH OTHER, not with us. Those issues had nothing to do with us, and we were not about to adopt the issues by choosing sides.

Of course, your mom should be a grown up and attend your wedding. It's pathetic for her to bring her own personal issues into this. Once she decided to have kids, she gave up the right to avoid your dad forever and ever. And anyways, no one is asking her to forgive him or act all chummy with him. All that's being asked of her is to just be in the same room with him and refrain from acting out. That's well within reason to request from an adult. But you know this already, and us saying it changes nothing.

We were really glad we invited everyone, and don't regret it for a minute. 1 parent refused to attend, and it was very sad. She tried to make us accept her point of view that she didn't want to be around her ex, but we weren't going to agree. Our relationship with her won't be the same again. We lost some respect for her. But like I said, we don't regret it at all. It was HER behavior, HER choice, and SHE must accept the consequences for that.

[minks]

Originally Posted by purple

I recently had a similar situation, and it was very stressful.

What we decided is to invite everyone we wanted. People's issues/conflicts with each other are just that--things with EACH OTHER, not with us. Those issues had nothing to do with us, and we were not about to adopt the issues by choosing sides.

Of course, your mom should be a grown up and attend your wedding. It's pathetic for her to bring her own personal issues into this. Once she decided to have kids, she gave up the right to avoid your dad forever and ever. And anyways, no one is asking her to forgive him or act all chummy with him. All that's being asked of her is to just be in the same room with him and refrain from acting out. That's well within reason to request from an adult. But you know this already, and us saying it changes nothing.

We were really glad we invited everyone, and don't regret it for a minute. 1 parent refused to attend, and it was very sad. She tried to make us accept her point of view that she didn't want to be around her ex, but we weren't going to agree. Our relationship with her won't be the same again. We lost some respect for her. But like I said, we don't regret it at all. It was HER behavior, HER choice, and SHE must accept the consequences for that.

Yep Parents no matter what.... my ex and I call it co-parenting and for life he and I are tied together because of our children. It does not mean I have to like the guy (god forbid) but it does mean we have an obligation to guide our children jointly.