Totally Confused

[angeleyes]

I need some advice on how a person could possibly love someone when they do not like anything about that person. Don't get me wrong it is not because I am dependant on him because we are not even together anymore. He has been married to someone else for over a year(the same one he cheated on me with). We do however have a child together so I do have to see him on a regular basis. I still love him despite all we have been through but there aren't too many things I like about him. We seem to be the complete opposite. I guess the Opposites attract rule is true. He drinks excessivley, I don't. We parent in two totally different ways. He hates spending quiet time at home and that is usually where I stay. I know that after seeing this in writing I should be kicking myself for even asking these stupid questions but somehow I can't bring myself to get over him. It has been almost 2 yeas now that we have been officially not a couple which should be plenty of time to move on . I have dated other people but always find myself coming up with excuses why I don't like them and soon find myself longing to be back with my ex. I know he still loves me too. I know this is a little sketchy on details but to tell the whole story would take a long time. I hope that some of you can give me a little advice on this. I can't talk to my family about this because they really dislike him and are always putting him down when his name is mentioned. I am so glad to have found this forum and people to talk to who won't judge me. Thanks for listening and God bless.

[weeder]

It is totally possible to love someone and not like them. The best solution would be for us to like them before we love them. Not to discver we dont like them after we love them. It would be a lot less painful It has been my experience that it is not possible to live long term with someone we dont like. Having been in your situation I would have to say.. We are in love with who we wish they would be, or could be. Not who they are. The reason we want to be back with them(even though it didnt work) is because we long for the familiar. I have also learned that yes, two people can love each other but come to the realization that they were not meant to share their lives. Its like longing for a beautiful pair of shoes you see, that are the wrong size. You can buy them... but trying to wear them will be very painful . I do believe in miracles, and sometimes people change. But you can wish your life away waiting for a reconcilliation, that very well may never come.
I waited three years for the "love of my life to come back" He too married someone else soon after we broke up. A great torment for me was that he would tell me :Ill always love you, weeder" ha ha ha He tells everyone else that also.
He is however a better fit with who he is with now. It may not be passionate or exciting ,but it is enough and it is what he can comfortably live with. Try this...
Think that a doctor tells you this morning.. "You have 6 days to live.." You would look at your children and think.. Oh god , no! there isnt enough time in the world for me to look at you, and love you. I am so sorry for all the time I wasted on something that was not available to me. Its a real eye opener of a fanatsy.
We could all be gone tomorrow...... Love what is available. Grab life by the horns, and go out and live it. Living that way makes you a more interesting and DESIREABLE (WINK) person. Someone others LONG to be with. I think that covers it. Good Luck

[koan]

Great reply, weeder. Love the shoe analogy.

angeleyes, you make a mistake believing he loves you. Or believing that the kind of love he holds for you means anything significant. You are holding on to your fantasy of what the relationship could have been. Love starts to happen when you start to imagine yourself being with someone for a long time and usually picture what your home would be like etc. How do you know the reasons you didn't like the other men were not legitimate? Why waste time with another Mr. Not Right? Having a kid with him makes you more vulnerable to wanting to work it out. Just be glad that you can still communicate with your child's father but try not to be too involved in their together time for a while, it just allows the fantasy to continue.

Another question is how can someone fall in love with someone else and that person doesn't love them back? In a way, love is so magical we think it should not be possible to feel it unless it is "meant to be". When you do find the right guy and fall in love it will feel so different you will look back on this and think "I can't believe I thought that was love."

[abbey]

Angeleyes, i believe in the adage "we always want what we can't have" your ex cheated on you so you never really had closure on the relationship, and having a child with him makes it even harder to move on, i agree with Koan he cannot love you or he would'nt have cheated he'd still be with you.
Face facts, you're like chalk & cheese and ok opposites can attract, but the reason you're not together is'nt because you like doing opposite things its because he cheated on you.
Try to put distance some between you, and don't give up on the dates theres always someone for someone.
How does that song go, "If you can't live with the one you love then love the one you're with"
Best wishes x

[samanthaguy]

Angel eyes, you are such a wonderful person... you know that, and you also know that not all of your family talkes bad about him but the truth is the truth.. youll get alot of good avice here, hey they helped me i thought i would never get over my issue but im doing it, can you believe it im a new person, you dont have to be with someone to be happy, sometimes your are better off by your self look at all i have been through.. i know its hard to let go but this is the right step, re read your thread a hundred times if you have to and then try the advice, stop thinking with your heart for a sec and use YOUR HEAD.... we love you and support you in what ever you choose AS LONG AS YOU ARE HAPPY. you need to look out for #1(you) and aus. let robert go, i know easier said than done, and be happy. when you do it will be a huge weight lifted youll feel much better. you know ill be there always you dont have to do it alone but you ned to do it... we love you and we are here, YOU CANT GET RID OF US HA HA HA! just try the advice.....OK love you sis