Help, I'm trapped!!

[shibee]

Hello everyone! I'm kinda new at this. I have a lil situation on my hands. I have fallen completely in love with another man. He's everything I've ever wanted in a man...he has the looks, the personality, sense of humor and gaw, he has the most amazing smile I have ever seen. The thing is that I'm still with my boyfriend. We've been together for 4 long years and the last 2 years haven't been the best. He has a hard time showing me the attention and affection I need. Whereas this other gentleman shows me the attention and affection that I crave. Now I'm not the type of girl to want to be around my guy 24/7. I just like to spend the lil free time that we do have alone. My current boyfriend can't seem to understand that. He spends his time at the gym, with friends and etc. Everyone but me. This past New Years, he spent out with friends and AWAY from me...didn't come home until 7a! It's stuff like that that bothers me. After going thru things like that for the past 2 years kinda turns me off from him and I find myself leaning towards other men. I have done so with this other fella. We've been seeing eachother for awhile and it's just perfect. He's an all around great guy! . Well, this situation wouldn't be so bad if he knew that I was still with my boyfriend. He doesn't know. He knows that we've broken up in the past and recently, but I never told him that I've gotten back with him. In my heart, I know it's wrong to do this. I do plan to do something about it soon. My heart is leaning towards the new guy. But at the same time my heart is going toward my current beau. i guess I'm afraid to let go of somehting I've had for so long. I really am. I don't know of another life without him. HELP, I'M TORN! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Please don't send me negative comments...I'd hate to get ugly with you (lol).

[lady cop]

notrhing good can come out of dishonesty. the only way to salvage something from this is to be truthful with all concerned, or no-one will ever trust you. not a negative comment at all, just maybe not what you'd like to hear.

[BabyRider]

I would have known this was your first post here, even if it didn't say so under your avatar. People here don't get ugly, (usually) but you put the situation out there, and are looking for advice or opinions. Do you only want to hear what YOU want to hear, or do you want to hear what people really think? Because you'll get what we really think.
I've always thought that honesty is the best policy. And that includes being honest with yourself. If you can't do that, then there is no hope for EITHER relationship. The new guy is going on about his business totally unaware that you are seeing two men. Is that fair to him? No. Your current man is not satisfying you, but have you told him? If you are in a situation where you are not happy, get out. Regret is not a pleasant thing to live with.

[shibee]

Thank you for your advice. I know I need to be truthful. I need to come out and say something. But it's just so hard...it's killing me because I'd hate to hurt one of them and eventually I know it's going to come to that. (sigh)

[shibee]

Originally Posted by BabyRider

I would have known this was your first post here, even if it didn't say so under your avatar. People here don't get ugly, (usually) but you put the situation out there, and are looking for advice or opinions. Do you only want to hear what YOU want to hear, or do you want to hear what people really think? Because you'll get what we really think.
I've always thought that honesty is the best policy. And that includes being honest with yourself. If you can't do that, then there is no hope for EITHER relationship. The new guy is going on about his business totally unaware that you are seeing two men. Is that fair to him? No. Your current man is not satisfying you, but have you told him? If you are in a situation where you are not happy, get out. Regret is not a pleasant thing to live with.

Honesty is a good thing. I've always been honest. I've told my current man that i'm not happy. i've sat down with him ( 2 weeks ago) and cried and told him that I can't go on living like this. I told him how he spent New Years away from me hurt me, I told him how it hurts me when he spends his off week away from me. It's not just that, it's other things that have gone on and built up for the past 2 years. Like I said earlier, I'm not the kind of girl who wants to be around him 24/7. Just some time. He work 7 days straight and then he's off 7 days. I probably see him 2 out of those 7 days, and that's when I'm leaving to go to work. I've told him that if he doesn't do something about it that I will find a man who will. That's what I've done. I just need to come clean and let it out. I know i'm not going to be happy until something is done. I do appreciate your honesty and your advice...thanx!

[persephone]

From past experience, if you don't think the relationship has been good for the past 2 years then in all likely hood it hasn't been.

You sound a little like me, and if you are, you've already made up your mind, it's just a question of making the move.
My advice is don't let it drag on, do it and get it over and done with. The longer you leave it the more everyone gets hurt... With my last long term relationship it was over long before I made it official, and that just made things worse, because the longer I left it the more I didn't like him, it becomes easy to blame them for everything then, and it hurts a whole lot more on all sides.

[shibee]

Originally Posted by letha

From past experience, if you don't think the relationship has been good for the past 2 years then in all likely hood it hasn't been.

You sound a little like me, and if you are, you've already made up your mind, it's just a question of making the move.
My advice is don't let it drag on, do it and get it over and done with. The longer you leave it the more everyone gets hurt... With my last long term relationship it was over long before I made it official, and that just made things worse, because the longer I left it the more I didn't like him, it becomes easy to blame them for everything then, and it hurts a whole lot more on all sides.

I'm just waiting for the right moment to make the move and say "Ok, it's over!!" In my mind, it's been over for awhile, even though I've taken him back(several times), he still does the same things that causes things like this to happen. It's just so hard because we have 4 years history. I haven't been with anyone else but him until now, and it's scary. I don't know where this is going to lead. I Don't know if this is some sick phase or what. I never thought I'd end up in this position.

I was in a similar situation before i got engaged. I was with this guy for 6 years he was my first love, my first everything, 5 years down the raod he tells me that he feels no more connection ( i was pregnant) between us. I was so mad and we tried to make it work for the baby ( i ended up having a miscarriage) We stayed together for a while things were not the same but he was comfort and all i have known at that time. I was living with a friend of mine & he moved in. Well about 3 months later i met my current fiancee. I knew him as a child but we remet. I saw everything i ever wanted in him that my then BF couldn't give me anymore. I was so trapped and stuck between them both. I didn't want to lose the comfort and i was SO scared to start over. I saw both for awhile, just to try to make up my mind. It was hard let me tell you. I hate to lie and i had no choice. My current fiancee told me that he was going to move in 2 weeks, then he asked if i wanted to go. I did not know what to say, i was speechless. I sat in my room ( at my mom's house) and thought for the whole 2 weeks. ( of course i was still seeing them both) Well at the last minute my heart broke Bc My current fiancee was boarding the plane in an hour. I called him on his cell phone and told him that i would be there as soon as i can get there. On the way i called my EX_BF and told him it was over, i couldn't see him anymore BC i was so tired of him hurting me. Then i told him i found someone else and i am leaving & moving to Arizona. He begged me to stay but i made up my mind on who i wanted to be with. There was no way i was going to turn back. My heart belonged to Tim. And now it always will. I still talk to my ex now and then. but i would NEVER go back there to be with him. I do not regret what i did. Not for one second in my life. Do what your heart tells you too. If you had to decide who to get on a plane with who would you choose? If your like me and scared of starting over and losing that comfort.. Trust me it will be ok if you choose the other guy. if you are not happy then don't stay with your curretn Bf. Life is too short.. Make yourself happy before anyone else. If you are not happy then no-one will be.

[persephone]

I was the same, worried what would happen, thinking "I'm not getting any younger" etc. Thing is if things are not working and you've been ignoring them for a while then they do build up, to a point where there is no easy way to fix them if at all.
Have to say though almost two years on, I'm fairly happy with where I am... Small problem in my case though, seeing as you are new, I should say I still live with my ex, but I have moved on.

Initally I was single and having fun for a while, then still with the same mind set I met someone and almost a year later we're still together.

One thing though, don't continue to live with ex boyfrieds, it's a royal pain, new ones have issues with the concept, unsurprisingly.

Now I think I need to sort out a few small problems I have, having said this to you, before I end up at square one again.

[shibee]

Originally Posted by tmbsgrl

I was in a similar situation before i got engaged. I was with this guy for 6 years he was my first love, my first everything, 5 years down the raod he tells me that he feels no more connection ( i was pregnant) between us. I was so mad and we tried to make it work for the baby ( i ended up having a miscarriage) We stayed together for a while things were not the same but he was comfort and all i have known at that time. I was living with a friend of mine & he moved in. Well about 3 months later i met my current fiancee. I knew him as a child but we remet. I saw everything i ever wanted in him that my then BF couldn't give me anymore. I was so trapped and stuck between them both. I didn't want to lose the comfort and i was SO scared to start over. I saw both for awhile, just to try to make up my mind. It was hard let me tell you. I hate to lie and i had no choice. My current fiancee told me that he was going to move in 2 weeks, then he asked if i wanted to go. I did not know what to say, i was speechless. I sat in my room ( at my mom's house) and thought for the whole 2 weeks. ( of course i was still seeing them both) Well at the last minute my heart broke Bc My current fiancee was boarding the plane in an hour. I called him on his cell phone and told him that i would be there as soon as i can get there. On the way i called my EX_BF and told him it was over, i couldn't see him anymore BC i was so tired of him hurting me. Then i told him i found someone else and i am leaving & moving to Arizona. He begged me to stay but i made up my mind on who i wanted to be with. There was no way i was going to turn back. My heart belonged to Tim. And now it always will. I still talk to my ex now and then. but i would NEVER go back there to be with him. I do not regret what i did. Not for one second in my life. Do what your heart tells you too. If you had to decide who to get on a plane with who would you choose? If your like me and scared of starting over and losing that comfort.. Trust me it will be ok if you choose the other guy. if you are not happy then don't stay with your curretn Bf. Life is too short.. Make yourself happy before anyone else. If you are not happy then no-one will be.

Wow...that was deep. I'm afraid of losing the comfort i have with my BF. He's known me for 4 years. He knows eveything about me. He's seen me at my worst, my best and everything in between. I think that maybe we got too comfortable with eachother and things just start to slide downhill. He stopped trying to be romantic, anniversaries are just another day, he forgot my birthday this past year (and had the balls to get mad at me for something stupid), we don't go out anymore, he just stopped trying. I too stopped trying, I say "if he doesn't care, why should I?' And here I am today. I love him but I want to be happy, I want him to be happy... My heart just breaks when i see them because i know that one of them is going to get hurt...and it's going to hurt me to do that.