Steven Wright...one of my favorite comedians

BabyRider · 02-07-2005, 03:16 PM

Steven Wright is one of my favorite comedians. Anyone ever hear of him? His humor is very dry...like...Sahara Desert dry. One of my favorite lines is "I woke up one morning and found all my stuff had been stolen...and replaced with exact duplicates."

He cracks me up. Here's some of his stuff. Hope you like him, too!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it
back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the
rain.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my
hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense
to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off
now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her
friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes,
so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence
that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the
softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal
from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have
to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is
required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't
have film.

telaquapacky · 02-07-2005, 04:19 PM

I heard Stephen Wright on a flight once and was floored- then I forgot who he was. Thanks for refreshing my memory.

02-07-2005, 03:16 PM	#1 (permalink)
BabyRider Missin and LOVIN Bullet Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: My own private Hell Posts: 10,069	Steven Wright...one of my favorite comedians Steven Wright is one of my favorite comedians. Anyone ever hear of him? His humor is very dry...like...Sahara Desert dry. One of my favorite lines is "I woke up one morning and found all my stuff had been stolen...and replaced with exact duplicates." He cracks me up. Here's some of his stuff. Hope you like him, too! I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. OK, so what's the speed of dark? How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. __________________ I hope you cherish this sweet way of life, and I hope you know that it comes with a price. ~Darrel Worley~ Bullet's trial was a farce. Can I get an AMEN????? We won't be punished for our sins, but BY them.
Local Time: 10:53 PM Local Date: 12-01-2008

02-07-2005, 04:19 PM	#2 (permalink)
telaquapacky Unconquerable Good Will Supporting Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Near Sequoia Natl Park Posts: 753	Re: Steven Wright...one of my favorite comedians I heard Stephen Wright on a flight once and was floored- then I forgot who he was. Thanks for refreshing my memory.
Local Time: 08:53 PM Local Date: 12-01-2008

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