How and Why of a Heartbreak

[A Karenina]

It's been a couple of weeks now since my boyfriend and I broke up. Granted, it feels a lot longer, but then we're very busy at work - and are there 6 days a week now. I'm not even sure what day of the week it is. Ack!

Anyway, how we broke up was bothering me so much. After 6 years, for him to suddenly turn on me, swearing and name calling...it was so out of character. I don't regret kicking him out, not at all. But I did wait for a phone call to apologize. Silence...and that made me feel very low.

The how. How could someone walk out after 6 years, and just leave those negative nasty emotions floating around? How could someone get that worked up over gay marriage? How could I have missed all the signs that led to his outburst? (Though in truth, I have been upset for some time as he grew increasingly negative and judgmental about politics.)

A male friend finally helped me to see the light. He said that some men are wimps, and they create drama to let them escape from the relationship rather than confronting it head on...all that messy emotional vulnerable stuff. He asked me what had been going on in the relationship that might lead to this.

I often miss the obvious, and this has been no exception. Man! Like a 2x4 right between the eyes, only more pleasant. I bet a 2x4 feels really icky.

The boyfriend has always been terrible about sharing emotions with me. I've never pressed it - to each his own, right? It would make sense that he'd rather go out with a slamming door over some current issue than to talk about our problems.

That leads me to why.

He's been talking about marriage for a while now. He wants a new mom for his two kids. Tragically, their own mother has cancer; it appears to be terminal. Beyond my sorrow at her illness, and the devastating effect it will have on the children...I can only say that I have no interest in being their new mom. Nor do I have any interest in marrying him, though in the first year or two I might have.

I've been wrestling with this for months. Guilt over my feelings, but knowing I needed to be honest with myself. I know that there is no way this would work between us. I also believe that he would expect me to give up my career goals in order to care for them. I know as well that while I'd be home tending his house and children, he'd be off finding someone fun to play with.

He's not big on being faithful, or marriage, or working out problems, or any of the things that are required for a solid commitment. I don't blame him for that, but I don't want to be in that position, either. Most especially because he doesn't want me, he just wants someone. That's not enough for me.

I was honest with him about it. I simply told him that the children would choose their own mothering relationships - he can't choose it for them. (They are 12 and 13.) I also said that my education goals and my career are very important to me. But mostly I said that I didn't want to marry. (Of course, the truth is I didn't want to marry him, but it's hurtful and useless to say that.)

So, considering the why has made me feel much better. We are both better off apart so we can find what each of us wants. Our breakup had nothing to do with gay marriage, and everything to do with opposing wants/needs.

I'm now allowing myself 6 more days to wallow, and then that's it. Every time I get sad, I'll do my Tai Chi videotape instead. I often randomly decide these odd things...But there is really nothing to be sad about. I fell out of love with him a long time ago. I enjoyed our time together, and I learned a lot. But it is high time I quit hiding in a dead end relationship, and let life do its thing.

I wanted to share this in hopes it might strike a similar chord in others. I also would like to thank you all for the support and concern you've shown me. You rock! Ok, some of you howl with wolves.

[BabyRider]

Good for you AK!!!
I could sit here and tell you "The hell with him...you're better off...what a jerk..." and while all those things are true, they are not very productive comments.
Let's face it...we ALL have done the "Well...I'm comfortable here", thing. Change is scary and when something is pretty ok, we accept it. You decided to change that and say "I deserve better."
You know that he would not be faithful? That alone shows how utterly selfish this man is. And I don't mean that just being unfaithful is selfish. It's the danger he'd be putting YOU in that makes him a thoughtless p***k. The disregard that shows is very telling. The fact that he just wants a mom for his children is telling, also. He doesn't want a partner, a best friend, a lover, someone to share everything with. He wants the image of a marriage, and none of the responsibilities. The moron. (I'm sorry...knee-jerk reaction.) Didn't I say I wouldn't resort to name-calling?? Sheesh.
So, again, GOOD FOR YOU! For recognizing what was what, and putting an end to THAT silliness! Out of curiosity, where did you come up with the 6 more days of wallowing? A large amount of chocolate could cut that down to 4 days!

[valerie]

I'm so sorry to hear this, AK. I know you must be hurting, and I've been there
and I know what it feels like.

This is for you from me...

[lady cop]

you're strong and did the right thing for you...this too shall pass.((hug))

[koan]

I always find it helpful to figure out why things happened...but hate it when other people ask why. Why'd you get married? Why'd you get divorced? Argh. I could answer those questions differently every time they were asked.

You got something for your time. There is always something gained. More knowledge of yourself? Even if it is just knowledge of the kind of guy you DON'T want. I hope you have figured out what you gained and not just what you lost. ie) time.

You are beautiful. You are loved. It may take a while to find someone special enough to deserve you. But he is out there somewhere.

Hi AK,
I think you did the right thing to let him go. Listen to BR she gave you wonderful advice. Like everyone else said this too will pass. You will find someone when you are ready. Good luck, Hun.. i hope you feel better. Keep your head up!! You are to good for him and you deserve much better. He is a Loser! ---->

Here is a hug from me to you.. Feel better.

[weeder]

Sorry Karenina. Sorry that you have to feel sad or loss. Not sorry to hear you are through with a relationship not geared towards fufilling you. Just to hear the description of someone wanting you to give up your goals, and raise their children makes me shudder. Ive also done the sacrifice bit, for someone else many times. In regard to his not calling...Ive mentioned the last man I broke up with. Lived with him for 6 years in Virginia.. Knew him for about 25 years up to the point of the break up. Many issues left unresolved when it was over. He never called. Its been 4 years, I always thought he would eventually call. Couldnt believe hed leave things like this. We were supposed to be best friends. Once it was over, he could care less about settling anything. Honestly, I knew I didnt belong in the relationship with him either. I kept holding on to the fantasy of what it could be,not dealing face up to what it was. Two very different people with opposit view points on many many important issues. Youll be ok. You have a very full life,and a great goal you are pursuing.

[Bill Sikes]

Well done.... you seem to have worked it out.

[A Karenina]

Big hugs to you all. I'm grinning as I read the wonderful understanding from each of you.

6 days cut down to 4 days with chocolate? LOLOL! I may need to try that.

I'm focusing on the positives. Three more classes and I'll be a senior (I'm on the 10-year college plan). I'm on a leave of absence until March, when my hectic work schedule gets back to normal. I'll graduate - FINALLY! - Nov 1, 2006. After working at it for years, I feel like it's within my reach. That feels awesome!!

I got a cool email the other day. It was a job description, comptroller at a new company - $90 to $100k. And I thought to myself, hey, I could live on that. LOL! It was a good reminder as to why I put so much time and effort in college.

Next step is to get my MBA, and then my CPA. But they say the first degree is the hardest, and I believe it...oh man, do I believe it.

I've been slowly moving towards this day emotionally as well. I've put incredibly stupid demands on myself. Not only did I work a job, and work towards that degree, I had to have a 4.0 on top of it. I ruined that last summer, and after I got over the shock (gawd, I'm nuts!), it occurred to me that this was the best thing for me.

I've now given myself permission to be less than perfect scholastically...and that frees up my time to have some fun. No wonder my friends are so happy with me lately. I always preach about balance, but I wasn't putting that balance into my own life. I need to work out, to decorate my home, to spend time with friends ~ anything that makes each day happier.

I've been hiding for a long long time. I'm not ashamed of it; I needed it. But I've outgrown it, and that is another thing that makes me feel awesome inside.

I don't mean to come off like I'm bragging. I apologize if it does. I guess I'm trying to say that I haven't done too much to be proud of the past years, but that phase is over now.

To quote our beloved GW: Life? Bring it on....I'm ready!