Abused & Confused

[Tishri]

Why is it that I stay. I keep hoping that it will change,,,,but it hasnt. Oh maybe for some time there is good behavour but then there is anger and it begins again.
I know I try but it is never enough. And I am numb inside, can't give affection or think about love, sometimes only survival within myself.

What do you do when you loose yourself, go inside so you will not feel anymore. That enrages him because I do not see to his every need.

I do not want to give up, but i do not know how much more strength I have. Part of me also feels obligated since he supported me for three years. He feels I owe him and maybe that is right. But in owing, I have taken so so very much from him in physical and mental abuse, control and allienation from my children because of his nastiness to them at times.

Before, I can remember I was happy. My children, my friends, my home and inside I felt respected. Now I am ashamed of what I have taken and I do not know how to get out. Not physically get out, but to break it off and go away and not get hurt or feel guilty in doing so.

So I stay and pray I will see a clear path and peace in my head again. Hope that I am not lost completely.

[lady cop]

first..let me welcome you to FG. secondly, are you being physically abused? i am just a poster here and a mod too, but i am also a cop and deal with domestic abuse, it is a priority to me, so i can't ignore your plea...do you want to talk about it on the forum? if so, lots of good people will talk with you. if not, pm me. i am not here every minute, but i WILL get back to you.

[Peg]

Originally Posted by Tishri

Why is it that I stay. I keep hoping that it will change,,,,but it hasnt. Oh maybe for some time there is good behavour but then there is anger and it begins again.
I know I try but it is never enough. And I am numb inside, can't give affection or think about love, sometimes only survival within myself.

What do you do when you loose yourself, go inside so you will not feel anymore. That enrages him because I do not see to his every need.

I do not want to give up, but i do not know how much more strength I have. Part of me also feels obligated since he supported me for three years. He feels I owe him and maybe that is right. But in owing, I have taken so so very much from him in physical and mental abuse, control and allienation from my children because of his nastiness to them at times.

Before, I can remember I was happy. My children, my friends, my home and inside I felt respected. Now I am ashamed of what I have taken and I do not know how to get out. Not physically get out, but to break it off and go away and not get hurt or feel guilty in doing so.

So I stay and pray I will see a clear path and peace in my head again. Hope that I am not lost completely.

Tishri, as someone who has been there, done that, I really feel for you. He WANTS you to feel you owe him. He WANTS you alienated from your family. It gives him the power he wants. Control is not about love. He's not going to change and you know that. It's not about giving up and getting out. It's about getting out as a matter of survival. I wish I could tell you to leave and not feel guilty, but that is totally up to you. You will feel as guilty as you LET yourself feel. You can spend years of bending over backwards trying to please him and pay him back for supporting you but guess what. IT WILL NEVER EVER BE ENOUGH. I think you know the answers to what you need to do. The question is, will you?

[A Karenina]

I'd also like to welcome you to FG, and to offer to write with you as well - publicly or privately.

Cutting to the chase - you do NOT owe this man your soul, your relationship with your children, or your safety. He has not supported you - he may have paid for your basic needs, but honey, that is NOT support.

Pack up your children, take whatever you can, and get out. Find a safe place for you all, and if you need help with that, there are organizations who can direct you.

You will never find peace with this man because he has no peace within himself. It is NOT your job to make life better for him...and you can kill yourself trying, but you will never be able to succeed. It's his job, and his alone.

He has a very serious character disorder. Chances are very high that he can never be cured. Don't fool yourself, and don't let him break you into thinking you are not worthy of a better life. And if you can't manage thinking highly of yourself right now, then do it for your children.

I packed up and left in 1998. Traveled 2,000 miles for a new life...and it's scary. I know very well how scary it is. But you are not alone. Mostly, I want you to know you are worth it, your children are worth it.

Please, get out of there.

Tishri,

Hi & welcome here. I am sorry for what you are going through. My friend was in a relationship like you. She was in it for 6 years... in and out of the hopital during that time. The reason she stayed in it was BC she was scared to leave. He threatened to kill her if she even attempted. She also had a child & now he does not have a mommy. He lives with his Biological Father. ( not the one that beat my friend) She tried to leave with my help. I knew a lot of cops so i had them sitting around the corner in case he tried to hurt either one of us. He was sitting on the couch watching us pack her clothes.. As we went to leave he opened fire and killed my friend.. He tried to shoot me but i got down and stayed down.( i was behind the tree.) My police friends came around and shot him and killed him.
You should never stay with someone that abuses you in anyway.. There is no love there. This man needs to be locked up. If you are scared to leave him call the police when he goes to work and have them there when he gets home. They will believe you and NOBODY will judge you. You need to get away from this guy not only for you but for your kids. How old are you and how old are you kids? Whatever lady cop has to say listen to her. She can give you the best advice. She sees this type of stuff all the time. I hope things get better for you and your kids. You deserve to be happy and so do you kids. Please take care of yourself. Hope to hear from you soon.
Susie

You can either email me or Pm me.. Anytime.

[Tishri]

I thank those who have answered me.

When I met this man I was gainfully employed, then lost my job. We became engaged six months into the relationship, it seemed right at the time. Shortly after he showed much anger, towards anything and mostly me. I am over fifty, and I had my 17 yo daughter living with me in my home. He caused so many fights she finally left for her fathers which broke me. My oldest, now 28 and recently married, wanted me to leave. She knew him and what was going on. At first arguments, then pushing and finally he slapped and punched me. I got a temporary restraining order over a weekend. He cried and promised and I believed him. But the anger continued and the bizzare behavior in public,,,anger, yelling at friends when we were in social situations or at me publically.

I finally asked him to leave and he did. Ten minutes later he broke down my back door, and began beating me before I knew what hit me. When he picked up a jug by the fireplace to hit me in the head, I ran out to a neighbors. He threw the jug down the driveway, but it missed me. I ended up in the hospital with a concussion, etc...

I got an 18 month restraining order but six months into it he asked we counsel, at first him then both and i did. The psychologist said he thought the incident was due to stress, the financial worries and him being on the road. I questioned that decision, but he felt he was not an abuser. So with 12 months on the restraining order I let him back in, to live with me again as long as we counseled.

The next six months were walking on eggs, but it seemed he tried. Then it changed again. I never did anything right, he didn't want my children here at certain times or their boyfriends/husband. He admitted sometimes he deteriated into anger and rage for no reason but he would still try. My children do not like or trust him.
He wanted to only be with me, didn't want me to do anything but stay with him when he was home, not even talk on the phone to my children.

I was sick this weekend, vomitting etc. He was helping me up from the bathroom floor and i reached back behind me for stability and accidently hit his glasses. They came off and he punched me in the head and I hit the front of my head on the toilet. Later he said I could have broken his glasses thats why he reacted that way.

I could kid myself and believe that, but this time I just can't. He is begining to do it again.

I am 17 months into the restraining order. I am ashamed that the courts, judge, and support helped me to gain this, and I was the one who abused the order. I want him to leave, but he hangs that over my head, that I went against the order to take him in, that I never formally released the order by going back into court. But I was afraid to.

I thought I loved him and he made mistakes he could remedy with counseling. I am afraid now I was wrong.

I am begining a new job the end of this month travelling/consulting. I can live anywhere. I have lived in my home for 20 years and really do not want to give it up because of him, yet I know he will not leave without violence.

Ihave thought about going, planned it out even. Rent something, go far away. I am not happy and worse I am afraid he will find me and hurt me. I know he will be revegeful.

The weekends he comes home. It gets worse every weekend. If I do not greet him right, sit next to him all the time., only dedicate all my time to him, not see or talk to my children-he feels it takes time away from him.

I cannot see myself here long. I am glad for the strength in all of your messages. Help me to hang on and get out. I am trying.

You need to let the Police in on this whole thing. Have the police ever been called to your residence? They will put him away and make sure he never goes near you again. Call the police. they will help you... As i said They would NEVER judge you!

[Peg]

If a person were to treat one of your children the way he treats you, how would you feel? I don't blame them a bit for hating him. I don't know him and hate him already.
Because you could have accidently broke his glasses, that is a reason to hit you? If you did it on purpose that is still no excuse for hitting you!
There was a beautiful girl living down the road from me. Now the kids' mommy is dead and daddy is in prison. She kept hoping he would change.
Please get out before you become another statistic.

[Der Wulf]

Hey Tishri, It's really pretty simple, if you want your dignity, your health, and your life leave, now. Find a place away from there, engage a lawyer to straighten out your legal status, and establish your property rights, arrange eviction ect. DO NOT contact mutual friends, and tell no one but your immediate family where you are. One other thing, get your lawer's advice about protective measures at your new location, and while you are traveling.

[minks]

Abuse is a cycle, and if you don't get out of it, it will not stop. As others have posted, he wants you to feel awful about yourself as this is his way of control. Please seek professional help, there is no excuse for abuse.
Your safety and sense of self worth are very important.