And this too shall pass

[scholle-kid]

I need to talk this out of my system somewhere where the bride will not see it because I can't let my issues cloud her special day.
I know that nothing can change it and the sun will come up everyday and this to shall pass.
Where to start ?
August has been a month with special importance in my life for more than one reason and for many years it was a very happy month ,my birthday is in August , my daughters birthday was in August .
But for 7 years now it's been a month to just get though , then last year it became a month to try to 'pretend it just won't happen this year ' . 7 years ago this coming October 10th my girl was killed when a drunk driver ran her off the road , she was on her way to work. Last year the day before my birthday, my brother was killed when his semi truck and trailer loaded with oil field pipe caught the soft shoulder on a hair pin cruve and went over a 20 foot embankment . ,
Now this Year what is a very happy occasion for a girl (April) who was a best friend and like a sister to my daughter since they were in kindergarten is getting married this month. I have not and will not in anyway ,say a word about how it is breaking my heart that my daughter will not be the maid of honor or will never have a wedding day of her own,, I have a wedding gift and have sent my RSVP to accept , and will go with all the love and best wishes for her and future . We have become close friends that share a common bond since my daughters passing,
Its just knowing that IF she ( my daughter ) was here she would be Aprils maid of honor ,,IF she was here April someday would have been her maid of honor ,,, yada yada yada ,,,
April and my Verna was the same age one month apart , Verna in August , April in September,
The wedding day is the halfway mark between the two birthdays and April is sharing her day with Verna in memory . They always 'celebrated ' their birthdays between themselves on that day. Next year ,August will be just what it is a sad month of no more birthdays and the loss of a loved one.
,It just seems like life sometimes laughs as it rubs salt in an open wound ,like mixing a truly happy event into a month of a truly painful event,,
I know thats just me feeling sorry for myself..
life hands every person some wonderfully happy times and some horrible painful times ,every one has experienced the JOY of a birth and the PAIN of a loss,,and in between are a whole bunch of days that are just living life as it comes.

[flopstock]

Somehow, knowing that telling you how bad I feel for you right now doesn't help you one damned bit... doesn't stop me from feeling compelled to say it to you.

I wish I could do something..

[scholle-kid]

Thank you .

I'm kinda just 'venting' although thats not the right word because I'm not angry. But i can't think of the right word that describes what i'm doing
I just feel I need to get a grip on these emotions of mine so when I look April in the eye and give a hug on her special day I won't be 'raining on her parade' so to speak.
does that make sence ?

[Littletenderness]

Originally Posted by scholle-kid

I need to talk this out of my system somewhere where the bride will not see it because I can't let my issues cloud her special day.
I know that nothing can change it and the sun will come up everyday and this to shall pass.
Where to start ?
August has been a month with special importance in my life for more than one reason and for many years it was a very happy month ,my birthday is in August , my daughters birthday was in August .
But for 7 years now it's been a month to just get though , then last year it became a month to try to 'pretend it just won't happen this year ' . 7 years ago this coming October 10th my girl was killed when a drunk driver ran her off the road , she was on her way to work. Last year the day before my birthday, my brother was killed when his semi truck and trailer loaded with oil field pipe caught the soft shoulder on a hair pin cruve and went over a 20 foot embankment . ,
Now this Year what is a very happy occasion for a girl (April) who was a best friend and like a sister to my daughter since they were in kindergarten is getting married this month. I have not and will not in anyway ,say a word about how it is breaking my heart that my daughter will not be the maid of honor or will never have a wedding day of her own,, I have a wedding gift and have sent my RSVP to accept , and will go with all the love and best wishes for her and future . We have become close friends that share a common bond since my daughters passing,
Its just knowing that IF she ( my daughter ) was here she would be Aprils maid of honor ,,IF she was here April someday would have been her maid of honor ,,, yada yada yada ,,,
April and my Verna was the same age one month apart , Verna in August , April in September,
The wedding day is the halfway mark between the two birthdays and April is sharing her day with Verna in memory . They always 'celebrated ' their birthdays between themselves on that day. Next year ,August will be just what it is a sad month of no more birthdays and the loss of a loved one.
,It just seems like life sometimes laughs as it rubs salt in an open wound ,like mixing a truly happy event into a month of a truly painful event,,
I know thats just me feeling sorry for myself..
life hands every person some wonderfully happy times and some horrible painful times ,every one has experienced the JOY of a birth and the PAIN of a loss,,and in between are a whole bunch of days that are just living life as it comes.

Hello Scholle-Kid,

we share a similar story and although my pain is not yours I can empathise. Losing your beautiful Verna has I know, left you empty........I share that too. My darling Laura aged 23 was hit by a drunk and drugged driver April 20th 2003 she died four hours later Easter Monday 21st April, she too was an August baby. I also lost my only brother Frank,a few years prior, when his car hit black ice.
There are no words to describe the daily pain and agony we live in. I think the nearest I have come to explaining the pain is, I feel as if I've died too and they forgot to bury me. Every waking moment is spent with thoughts of my Laura racing in and out of my mind. I will at some point have to face the situation you are in, that of her best friends wedding which will be some time next year. I have honestly wondered how I will cope with this, just like you.

Her best friend Rachel went through tremendous trauma when Laura died because Laura was on her way to pick Rach up and she felt somehow to blame for Laura being on the road at that time, unecessarily of course. It took two years of counselling to help her to come to terms with this. I still find myself feeling bitter whenever I see or hear about other friends getting married, having babies etc. I know that Rachels grief for her friend was so heartfelt that I plan to either go and see her with a pre-wedding gift or phone before I actually go to the wedding and I will explain everything I feel in my heart.
I will tell her of the feelings I have seeing others happiness when my Laura can't share this and I will also tell her that I feel honoured that Laura had such a special person in her as a friend. It's not an easy situation I know because I expect you are worried that you will spoil her wedding happiness. You won't. Verna's best friend is exactly what the name implies. She will already have some idea of the sadness you are experiencing and will probably be glad that you spoke about it. Of course she would not dream of leaving you out of the wedding celebrations. If you can, I would try to speak to her and say, "I just wanted to warn you about this in case I start to blubber at inoportune moments." Please assure her too that your'e not angry, just so, so, sad for Verna's lost chances.

This is my first post here and I'm so glad it was you

[scholle-kid]

Originally Posted by Littletenderness

Hello Scholle-Kid,

we share a similar story and although my pain is not yours I can empathise. Losing your beautiful Verma has I know, left you empty........I share that too. My darling Laura aged 23 was hit by a drunk and drugged driver April 20th 2003 she died four hours later Easter Monday 21st April, she too was an August baby. I also lost my only brother Frank,a few years prior, when his car hit black ice.
There are no words to describe the daily pain and agony we live in. I think the nearest I have come to explaining the pain is, I feel as if I've died too and they forgot to bury me. Every waking moment is spent with thoughts of my Laura racing in and out of my mind. I will at some point have to face the situation you are in, that of her best friends wedding which will be some time next year. I have honestly wondered how I will cope with this, just like you.

Her best friend Rachel went through tremendous trauma when Laura died because Laura was on her way to pick Rach up and she felt somehow to blame for Laura being on the road at that time, unecessarily of course. It took two years of counselling to help her to come to terms with this. I still find myself feeling bitter whenever I see or hear about other friends getting married, having babies etc. I know that Rachels grief for her friend was so heartfelt that I plan to either go and see her with a pre-wedding gift or phone before I actually go to the wedding and I will explain everything I feel in my heart.
I will tell her of the feelings I have seeing others happiness when my Laura can't share this and I will also tell her that I feel honoured that Laura had such a special person in her as a friend. It's not an easy situation I know because I expect you are worried that you will spoil her wedding happiness. You won't. Verma's best friend is exactly what the name implies. She will already have some idea of the sadness you are experiencing and will probably be glad that you spoke about it. Of course she would not dream of leaving you out of the wedding celebrations. If you can, I would try to speak to her and say, "I just wanted to warn you about this in case I start to blubber at inoportune moments." Please assure her too that your'e not angry, just so, so, sad for Aprils lost chances.

This is my first post here and I'm so glad it was you

My goodness talk about timeing!! I am sitting here 'killing' time before it's time to leave for Aprils wedding this evening and decided to to check in to FG . you know
Littletenderness I have 'met many many grieving parents and siblings in grief forums and message boards and the like but you my dear are the first person that has as you put it "share a similar story ".
everybody on this earth that has a heart and has known love of another person, has lost loved ones , and all grief is a personal journey to travel thur one day ,one step and at times one moment at a time but when I was reading your post I felt a conection to an energy that I seemed to recongize as that of a fellow traveler I'm reallky looking forward to future communication with you.
One thing I have come to decide is sometime after the wedding and the honey moonb I may sit at talk with April about my feelings and saddness that aas my Vernas friends lives go on hers never will but I can't see burdening the start of Aprils new life with my saddness and grief, it just doesn't seem fair ,after all I know that April is one of the people that loved my Verna with a Love true and clean as my Love is and she will always remember her but April needs tio get on with ther life of a young woman in love with her chosen man and me telling her anything of my pain or sorrow before her happy day seems to selfish ,,IMO,,
maybe we can IM each other sometime one began to get to know more about each other ,
Thank you fgor the most perfect and needed shraeing at the most perfect timeing possible,

[CARLA]

scholle-kid and Littletenderness I'm glad you both meet here I hope your sharing will becomes a friendship the Garden is a good place for that. Hugs to you both I can only say I hurt for both of you and wish I could do something.

[mrsK]

scholle-kid , Littletenderness,

Nothing I can say will ease your hurt.
My thoughts are with you both.

[chonsigirl]

SK and TL, our thoughts are with you.

It helps to share your thoughts of your loved ones, always present in your hearts.

You can tell us what you want, to vent, to cry, to ask why....we will listen. We have no answers, but we are your friends and will listen and grieve with you. And try to uplift you afterwards.

[Littletenderness]

Hi again,scholle-kid
When I went back and re-read your post properly I realised that you had actually said that you wouldn't want to spoil Aprils day by telling her your feelings,so I do apologise for reading your post too hastily!! I think the part about finding someone else who had lost a daughter to a drunk driver was what stuck in my mind initially.

Daughters are just SO precious and very loving. They are usually the ones in the family interested in traditions and family trees. They're the ones who give you a hug when you're down and make the world right again.

I'm so relieved that you got your message maybe when you needed it most. Maybe in hindsight ,in your case I was wrong to suggest you discussing it. What motivated me to say that was an experience that happened to me the other day. I met a lady that I hadn't seen for some 20years. She remembered me and wanted to offer her condolences for our loss. As usual any mention of my Laura brings tears to my eyes and so the lady said apologetically, how sorry she was to bring up this reminder. I said "Don't worry, you're not reminding me, I never forget, this lives with me just below the surface, waiting to bubble up at any given moment" and it does, again and again and again. I was thinking that April probably appears to be very happy with her new love and I'm so glad she has found happiness, but her friends death is never truly far away from her mind and so I felt that she would completely understand if you were to explain. However I'm glad you chose to wait, that seems to be the best thing for you, I can see.

Good Luck and am praying the wedding is as good as it can be for you both!



Carla,Mrsk and Chonsigirl,
Thanks so much for making me feel welcome and Carla I loved your signature, thats what I would have wished for my daughter, but sadly she passed away far too young.

[mikeinie]

My heart goes out to both of you, I could not begin to think of life without one of my daughters.