surviving grief

[jimbo]

i guess life does not come with a dvd/manual on how to survive events that just go against the natural order of things

i know a lot of people will be all consumed by grief sitting alone at their pc every bit of their lives in tatters ,they will probably type in bereavement forum and come to fg

what possibly advice could i/we give them ? as i look back to my family deaths what helped or did not help me

the first thing i felt apart from the soul destroying pain was why ... why my baby

ok there is no great referee in the sky to say ..thats not fair , they are good people they dont deserve that .. crap happens and believe me once it starts it just dont stop

the next thing was i felt so alone ,people that i thought were good friends crossed the road or stopped all contact as they did not know what to say to me

another thing people say "i know how you feel" bollocks unless they have carried their childs coffin to the grave and felt the soul destroying pain of losing something you gave life to of course they dont know

will life ever be the same ? no ... normal life is gone gone fore ever but time will / does take the edge off of things and you do learn to live again its not the same sort of life as you had before but it can be a good life still ,you can and will find things that make you happy not al the time but these times of darkness and utter horror will and do become further and further apart honestly they really do

birthdays ,death days ,christmas,easter are tough but its do able honest it is ... life can be good it really can

i have lost two younger brothers ,my mother,my grandparents ,my cousin and worst of all my daughter

when my younger brother martin died i could never imagine anything in life being so painfull i never thought i'd pull through but i did but if you think any death can prepare you for another your wrong , when my daughter died so did my soul i am not the person i was and i never will be again,

so my advice to any one grieving is to accept its happened,the if i only's and if i ha justs dont help and all of the why didn't i's wont change a thing i know i tortured myself for years

talk to people that have gone through grief ,they have an idea of whats going on and you wont feel alone,and i know its painfull to do it i have have lost count of the times i have posted to people on fg whilst crying my eyes out but these people need to talk and if you dont talk to them who will ? someone who once lost a goldfish but knows how you feel ?

try to move on a little every month ,think about it if there s a heaven and your loved ones are looking down whilst plucking thier harp eating marshmellows whilst stroking lambs on their clouds ,what right do you have to keep dripping snot and wailing ruining their day in other words the would want you to be happy and make the most of life you can

has any one else got any advice for a person that has lost someone please just add a line or two ... there is nothing so sure that all of us will lose someone one day say to them as you would have someone say to you

to any one that has lost someone and is reading this thread ,i'm here if you need to some to talk to someone..someone that really really does know how you feel as do many of the great people on forum garden ... dont just take all this pain talk about it ... it may help

[Carolly]

A very moving post Jim and one that I have no answers to.We have to sort our own minds out and have found nobody else can.Oh others will say the right things and be there for you but they cant take that pain away deep in your heart that is there when you lie down and with you when you wake up.Time is the only healer and even then nobody can say just how much time.Yes you have your good days when you hear that bird singing or smile when you see something funny but then those black clouds appear again and you realise you are not through your storm yet.Grief is one of the most painful experiences we ever have to encounter and one of a child is something that hurts so much you cant even ever hope to be "normal" again.We may act the fool.....we may laugh that extra bit to loud....we may act out our days being everybody's friend and not having a care in the world but our pillow see our tears at night and our heart knows the truth.
Jim God Bless you and your dear Family.x

[jimbo]

thanks for your reply whelk

my healing is done as much as it can i think ,i was trying to think of things that can help the people screaming with grief insde themselves ,a word ,a smile a kind word anything at all really

i remember when natasha had first died , i walked through my local town i saw a good friend walking towards me ,word of our babies death had filtered through the local grape vine i saw a good friend walking toward me i looked down trying to compose myself and then i looked back up my friend had crossed the street and walked down a side street he could not face me , i felt dreadfull almost shamed it hurt very much ,then a couple of days later a van pulled up outside our home and out got some one i could not stand , i thought what now as if he was going to gloat ,he threw his arms around me hugging me and said if there is anything i can do to help you through your dreadfull loss anything at all please let me know

so my point is even a kind word from a caring stranger can mean the world to you in your darkest hours

i often see the guy and i always give him a hug .... and a dead arm i'm just that sort of guy

so what would your kind words to our bereaed frinds be guys

[Mia]

Jimbo you have been through the worse kind of loss imaginable my heart goes out to you and your family. It is true what you say about people avoiding you as they do not know what to say,all it takes is a few kind words or a hug.
We do have to work through all the emotions denial anger you name it,but finaly comes acceptance.The scars never heal but we learn to live again.The loved ones we have lost,live on in our hearts and minds forever.
Mia xx

[along-for-the-ride]

Many of those emotions that you went through Jimbo...........I also went through, especially after the loss of my son years ago. Grief is not just one emotion, it is several. Time does help some..........and a hug from someone who will listen to you. I'm listening.

[oscar]

My husbands 4 yr old son died in his arms after battling cancer for most of his life. Not fair. Why did my lovely mum drag on for weeks paralised by a stroke? Why did my dad suffer for 4 yrs from lung cancer when he never smoked? Why did my sister die of breast cancer when she never smoked or drank? I think it's because we have to feel. If we don't, man would destoy the human race. We have to be taught compassion, sympathy etc & to teach the human race those things, some have to suffer. If we suffer, we become better people, we learn but we learn the hard way. I have some horrid memories but i try to think back to my dad teaching me to ride my bike, my mum wrapping me up warm, my sister baking me a cake cos i was **** at cooking. I know i'll see their faces again. In my family, we NEVER say goodbye, only, until we are re-united.

[qsducks]

I lost my 2nd pregnancy in the first trimester. It was so awful. Devastated would be a great word. I always think of that baby who would have been born somewhere in January of that year. And when I lost that soul my inlaws acted like it was no big deal. Nobody on hub's side said a word, but my good girlfriends really gave me the motivation to deal with it and so did my great family. And frankly, I wish I had known all of you when I was dealing with it.

[oscar]

Originally Posted by qsducks

I lost my 2nd pregnancy in the first trimester. It was so awful. Devastated would be a great word. I always think of that baby who would have been born somewhere in January of that year. And when I lost that soul my inlaws acted like it was no big deal. Nobody on hub's side said a word, but my good girlfriends really gave me the motivation to deal with it and so did my great family. And frankly, I wish I had known all of you when I was dealing with it.

Me too! I have a friend who just lost a baby after trying for years. I could offer a little help. My brother & his wife had a still born baby girl at xmas, i could help a little. I too lost a baby girl many years ago. You will remember every birthday, every christmas, when they should be starting school, going to college etc etc. All the time your baby is in your mind growing up, they are alive. You will take your baby to your grave as until the day you die, your child will be in your thoughts where no-one can take them away from you again. Your loss will make you a "Helper". One day, some-one will need you & you can be there for them.

[kazalala]

This is a good post Jimbo and a good thread. I say that because sometimes its easier to pour our heart and feelings out ot virtual "strangers" than it is to your own loved ones. Those close to you are usually hurting too, and hurt more to see you in pain, so you tend not to talk about it too much to them. When i first met Carolly i had hardly known her a day or two when i poured out my hurt to her,, she was there willing to listen and let me talk, and give the best words of comfort she could. luckily it didnt put her off wanting to know me so a thread like this where someone can come and say the things they want to say, vent , cry, whatever,, yes its good and even though i have lost a child,,, i still dont know what to say to someone who has also lost a child

[oscar]

What pissed me off when my dad died was there were many many people who would approach me & didn't cross the road. I knew why. They'd all tell me what a lovely man he was then ask "How old was he"? He was 80. You'd then see a look of "Oh, that's o.k. then". The most common remark after that would be "Well he had a good innings". I wanted to say "So that makes it alright does it? He was 80 so i can stop grieving". I had to remind myself that these were people who had not lost any one so dear & they just simply did not know what to say. It is so hard for people to know what to say. My dad went & exactly ayr later, my mum went. Six months later, my sister went aged 50, then weeks later my only aunt went. After that i could see people looking at me thinking "God" but then they just did not know what to say any more. People are more frightened of saying the wrong thing so they do cross the road etc. I find that if i knew the person some-one has lost, it's lovely to give them a memory of yours. By saying "Hey, i remember when your mum did this or your son did that", you acknowledge their life. I just think that's a nice thing to do & we should not be afraid to do it. More often, it's what people in grief want to hear.