The Hypocritic Oath

[BTS]

The Hypocritic Oath


By Lee Pitts

I swear an oath on my honor as a hypocrite that...

I will cuss cows but eat beef, blast miners but wear jewelry and drive a car but condemn oil companies.

I don't want trees cut for any purpose other than to provide the lumber for my next house.

As a Hollywood celebrity I assert my God given right to sire at least four children by three different wives and then protest about overpopulation in the world.

I will put fish first by saving the sucker and salmon, but not the farmers and ranchers who feed me.

I demand that politicians and federal judges in Washington DC save all endangered species, except the small business man.

I feel government is imminently qualified to micro-manage nature, after all, look what a smashing job they've done with the IRS, EPA, USDA, FBI, BLM, and assorted other alphabet agencies.

As a self righteous hypocrite it is my duty to celebrate Earth Day with barbecues and parades and by leaving tons of trash behind.

I demand that feedlots and farms stop polluting our ground water. That privilege should be preserved for me every time I flush the contents of my toilet into a septic tank or the ocean.

I want to relocate grizzly bears and wolves to the West but not in my big city backyard. After all, people live here! I give my permission for mountains lions to eat lambs but if a lion eats my dog or cat I demand the abominable beast be shot on sight.

I will cuss oil companies on talk radio and stand in the way of their drilling more wells while sitting in my gas guzzling SUV with the engine running.

I will write letters to the editor on my computer castigating utility companies for not providing enough electricity. At the same time I will send money to green groups who want to tear down hydroelectric dams and stand in the way of any new power producing projects.

I avow at the next cocktail party I attend while smoking a cigarette and sipping a martini that I will sue the tobacco companies for causing my lung cancer.

Although I have never personally milked a cow or grown vegetables in a garden I demand to have a say on how farmers and ranchers do it.

As a pompous hypocrite I demand that water, herbicides, and pesticides be taken away from farmers immediately, but I don't want it to effect the price, quantity or quality of the food I buy in the store.

It is my strongly held conviction that we should ban all pesticides, except the can of bug spray I use to kill ants and other unwanted bugs in my home.

As a mealy-mouthed hypocrite I vow to help stop global warming by watching the Discovery Channel on my giant sized television in my air conditioned house.

I assert that cattle pooping on our nation's grasslands is a national disgrace while fertilizing my urban lawn with steer manure and urea is simply good ecology. I will complain about fertilizer runoff from farms but not from golf courses because I happen to be a golfer.

I will hound hunters in the woods because they use guns despite the fact that hunting groups have increased habitat and wildlife numbers.

I demand that the government end all timber cutting or recovery in our national forests but I'll cry like a singed coyote if the feds allow wildfires to burn near my house.

As a card carrying hypocrite I disavow the use of fur, leather, wool and all animal by-products, except the ones used in medicine that might save my life.

I demand labels be placed on all food products but not on a rock album that endorses killing cops.

Finally, as an arrogant and self-serving hypocrite I firmly believe that rural folks have done a terrible job of taking care of the countryside and they must do a better job because that's where I want to live or visit some day when I can escape the pollution, crime, and insanity of the barren big city in which I currently reside.

[john8pies]

Sounds a bit "hippocra---tyical " to me, ha, ha!!!

[Clint]

Originally Posted by BTS

Finally, as an arrogant and self-serving hypocrite I firmly believe that rural folks have done a terrible job of taking care of the countryside and they must do a better job because that's where I want to live or visit some day when I can escape the pollution, crime, and insanity of the barren big city in which I currently reside.

The bottom line, “I’ve lost control of the mess I live in, so I’m gonna mess with where you live�. They come from where they pour concrete around the trees to where the trees are growing naturally, imposing their views on how to grow trees.

[BTS]

Originally Posted by Clint

The bottom line, “I’ve lost control of the mess I live in, so I’m gonna mess with where you live�. They come from where they pour concrete around the trees to where the trees are growing naturally, imposing their views on how to grow trees.

It always astounds me when people move to a rural area and then complain about the sights and smells of agricultural operations.

If you can't smell the manure "You are TOO close to town"

[Clint]

Originally Posted by BTS

It always astounds me when people move to a rural area and then complain about the sights and smells of agricultural operations.

If you can't smell the manure "You are TOO close to town"

I once heard a dairy farmer testify that he needed to have his land rezoned to residential because the new residents around it were actually complaining that they didn’t want to see real live breeding in progress. They also complained because he mowed hay at night and they didn’t like the smell. His family had been there for most of a century and those complaining had moved in within the decade.