June 4

[RedGlitter]

Today's the day.
The one I've been worried about how I'd handle when it got here.

My beloved mom has been dead for one year.

Where did it go? It was such a blur. Everything happened so fast and yet...in slow motion. All I remember is being numb. For so long.

Of all the ways I failed my mom in life, I did not fail her in her death. I kept my promise and I did my job. And I did it well. I told her I'd see her to the end and I did.

When they lowered her coffin down, I thought I was committing my mother to the earth and giving her back to God. Only fool mortals think like this. You don't give back to God. God takes and you say okay. Or not. But you don't give back what already belongs to God.


I am grateful that God saw fit to let me be there when she left this world. If I had been anywhere else, I would have shot myself.

Everyone thinks birth is so miraculous. Well...so is death. It wasn't beautiful by any means. But it was a process. And because of all the ways I think, and all the things I believe, and all that we had talked about; watching my mom cross over was the most surreal, mysterious and awful thing I have ever seen. And I mean awful in it's true sense, "full of awe."

And at that moment I was alone. And somehow I knew that all Mom ever was, was now in me.

There's an African proverb that goes something like...

All that you are
is in the palm of your hand

Meaning that you are the sum of all who came before you.

When I miss my mom all I have to do is look at my hands. Because they're just like hers. And I think of all the things these hands have done in forty years' time. They've comforted the sick and the dying, held new life, created beautiful things from nothing, wiped away tears when things were impossible, held broken, bloodied bodies, buried the beloved, caressed someone in the dark of night, held him when his dreams were bad.
They know all the things my mother once knew.

All that you are
is in the palm of your hand

I want to ask my mom so many things....

What's it like to be immortal, Mom?
Have you touched the face of God?
Is God love?
Do you know all the answers now?
Will you always remember me?

I learned that being tough is not the same as being strong.
I learned that strength can be found where you least expect to find it.

I learned the comfort and gratitude that comes from the warmth of being held up by my friends.

I also learned that when death happens to someone else, I still don't know the words to say. Because even though I've been there, it's different for everyone.

When I went to the florist to order my mom's flowers, and they found out it was for her funeral, the man behind the counter came around to me, held my hand and said he'd lost his mother too. I was overwhelmed. Suddenly this stranger and I were in the same club.

You know that pain too.

I come here and write stuff that should probably stay in my heart instead. But it's cathartic.
You guys send me PMs and emails that overflow with support and often sadly, a mutual understanding of what it's like. I wonder if you know how much I appreciate you for doing that. So many of you have been nothing but kind to me.

I'm taking my dad out for an early dinner. We were going to see a movie too but everything that's showing looks stupid.
I'll get some champagne and we'll toast to Mom and all she stood for. And later when I'm alone I'll do my own little thing for her. Not sure what that'll be yet but it'll be something.


And yeah...there's something else I want to say to someone in particular.
Jimbo. I know you'll come here. I could say a lot of things right now and try to be eloquent but I know you'll understand if I just say thank you for being there. You're special to me. Thanks buddy.

Thanks you guys for putting up with me.

Terri (the real person behind all the red glitter)


The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

-WH Auden

Hope is the feathered thing
that perches in the Soul

-Emily Dickinson

[minks]

A mother's treasure is her daughter. ~Catherine Pulsifer

Very touching Glitter Girl your are a credit to your mother I am certain.
Huge Hugs
Minks

[Carl44]

my friend when will the pain ever end all i can say is i'm here for you and my thoughts are with you at this terrible time of year

[abbey]

I'm sure you're dear mum is sprinkling glitter on you hon.
You're a twinkling credit to her.
A toast to Terri's mum.

[WonderWendy3]

Awww Red, you did it again....gave me goose bumps!! Sending & to you!!

[SuzyB]

Terri,

I admire your strength and courage to keep going no matter how much you feel like giving up.

My thoughts are with you

[Carl44]

dear terry i have not slept in days .ive a stress head ache going off the scale and i'm going to try and sleep

take care i know your hurting ,we will get through this and come out the other side of this tunnel even stronger ,you have been there for me ever since i joined ,and i will be there for you too always

[pinkchick]

Red Glitter - You are such a lovely and very strong person

Much love to you darling

You're in my thoughts

[zinkyusa]

hugs to you and your dad Red.

[Patsy Warnick]

Red
Your mother is proud of you, always has been

Your Father is also proud of you

I completely understand your pain

Patsy