Falling apart

[Victoria]

As some of you may remember I posted about the death of my brother on 20 feb,
wel the funeral was held on Friday 6 march.

I saw him on the morning of the funeral and it wasn't pretty.
Mum seemed to be holding it together as did my other brother.
Then when we got to the cemetary there was a guard of honour all the prison officers lining the route up the the church itself. They stood so straight and stared straight ahead but we could see many of them were sobbing silently, grown men with tears streaming down their faces. But not one of them broke rank.

When we got out of the car and the officers who were to carry him stood by the hearse mum finally broke down crying and cursing him for what he had done.

After about 5 minutes we managed to get into the church but it was so packed they couldn't get the doors shut and people had to stand all round the edges.

Then when they played the football song of the team he loved so much, everyone tried to sing but again the emotion was just too much for some and they were really sobbing. my niece was almost hysterical.
His best mate read a speech stumbling over the words and choking back the tears he was shaking like a leaf but managed to get through it all...just

Then we said our goodbyes and laid a rose for him on the coffin, the flag was folded and handed to my mother together with his cap and gloves.

Then to the wake where people were talking to me they knew who I was but I had no idea who they were I was trying to remember 20 years ago when they had hair and no beer gut and I just couldnt place most of them.
His ex wife swaned about as if at a party she wore a (black) satin strappy cocktail dress with her t1ts hanging out and kept patting people on the arm and being all lovey dovey I wanted to smack her hard, I just felt sick but couldn't leave and so just tried to stay sitting and talk to a couple of neighbours I did know.

On saturday we went back and looked at the flowers took some photos and then because he was cremated we took some of the sprays to the tree where he had hung himself and I laid them there for him.
As we walked through the park with the flowers I could see people walking their dogs and staring they must have guessed who we were, it was in all the local papers. I felt very exposed.
And then it was time to leave we packed the car and waved goodbye before setting off for the 8 hour journey home. I havent slept properly since wedensday and since thursday Ive only had one hot meal the rest has been sandwiches or biscuits.
So now Im home its over...
I have to work today and I cant talk about this because I work as a home help for elderly and/or very sick people, today I am with a family who's husband is dying of cancer. How can I show any grief when these people are fighting for the last few weeks or days together?
Nobody here knew my brother hardly anyone knows me and to be honest I dont like to show weakness and for me being emotional in front of strangers ( or even family) is weakness I am the strong one, the one everyone else depends on. I'm the one who organises and sorts things out not the one who falls apart.

So I guess yet again I will have to find some emotional glue and do some DIY repairs because this time I really do feel like I'm coming apart at the seams.

[abbey]

My heart really does go out to you Victoria, No-one should suffer grief alone.
Stay as strong as you can, time will heal.

[mrsK]

I am so very sorry for your loss

[scholle-kid]

Victoria,
Please except my condolences for you and your family on the loss of your brother. here is a link to a forum that has people going Thur the exact same pain and heartbreak the you are feeling. This site has been a life line at times for me since my daughter passed away . Knowing that there are people that will know exactly what you are going Thur because they are there too, for some the pain and heart break is as fresh and raw as yours is and for others some time has passed

((((((((((((Victoria and Family)))))))))))))))))

.
Suicide Survivors: Help for People Left Behind
A forum for the people left behind after suicide.

This site has as many forums as there is loss, i spend all my time here on the loss of an adult child from sudden death or loss of a brother from sudden death.

[Sunshine]

Victoria, I can almost feel your heartbreak from here.
It is good that you have somewhere to talk about your feelings and your grief.
I am sorry about your loss and hope that time will help lessen the pain.

[Clodhopper]

Victoria. I'm so sorry.

(hugs)

[Helen]

victoria,
i know how you are feeling although my circumstances are totally different from yours, i lost my partner from a heart attack three and a half years ago.
you have got to have time to greive for yourself.
i held on to mine because i didnt want his ex wife and kids to see what they where doing to me.
they swooped like a pack of vultures on his belongings and personal effects, even having me arrested for burglary at one stage !!!
as you said, its over now................ life goes on............. thats what they keep telling me !!
get yourself some help. seek counselling, anything............
cos keeping it bottled up will make you ill............. believe me, i know !!!

[Odie]

I am so very sorry.

[kazalala]

I cant even begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling, allow yourself to lean on someone elses shoulder just occassionaly though, you will be amazed to find they can also be of comfort to you if you let them know you need it

[OpenMind]

I can't imagine how it must be for you to be at work straight after the funeral. At least we're here for you whenever you need to lean on us. Take care, Victoria.

Seems though that there was a clue as to why at the wake.