A really hard time...HELP!

[shelbell]

As most of you know, I lost my husband in March. All the holidays and birthdays have been really hard, but I've made it thru them. Tomorrow, Dec. 5th, would have been our 18th wedding anniversary. I've known it was coming up, but I wasn't prepared for everything that was coming with it. It's like all the hurt and pain has stabbed me in the heart all over again. The flashbacks of finding him dead, the visitation and the funeral have all returned...along with the disbelief that he is actually gone.

I think that maybe it may have to do with the fact that all the other special days I've been able to share with others that miss him too. Our anniversary was our special day, and is meaningless to everyone else...so this time I feel as if I'm alone on this one. I'm so lost, and I miss him with all my heart and soul as much as I did when I lost him.

Has anyone else gone thru this on your anniversary after losing your spouse?

I know each person is different and their grief is different. How did you handle it? How did you make it thru it?

I guess what I'm looking for is someone that has gone thru this before so I don't feel so alone in it all.

[K.Snyder]

You know he'd not want you to feel upset. You'd know he'd want you to celebrate his life and not morn his death. It's easy for me to say this because I haven't lost anyone I've felt as close as you'd felt for him but to be honest there is absolutely no benefit to yourself to feel horrible against his wishes because I can attest that I'd personally not want anyone to morn my death. Of course I imagine it's hard for you or anyone that has lost a loved one so hopefully you can take some sort of comfort in knowing people duly LOVE you as a person because it's damn hard not to

[CARLA]

Well said KS well said. Shellbell we are here for you just know that we will do our best to get you through this day and others as well.

Remember the good times and those times that you shared with your husband that brought a smile to your face and laughter.

[G-man]

Focus on those wonderful memories, Shelbell. Try not to focus on those things that you cannot change. Remember the good times and cherish those memories and remember that you've got lots of friends here who love you.

[along-for-the-ride]

I offer you this article I found, shellbell. Maybe you will find something in it that may help you through this season. Always remember, you do have friends here at FG who do care about you.
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If you have lost a loved one, you might be wondering how to cope with your grief this holiday season.

With the first fallen leaf of autumn, we begin to anticipate the holidays ahead. Our senses are acute and take in everything: the smell of turkey roasting and freshly baked pies; the holiday songs playing on the radio; the sound of laughter from our loved ones who have gathered together. But for those of us who are experiencing illness, grief, or the loss of a loved one, the holidays can be a time of sadness, pain, anger, or dread.

The ebb and flow of grief can overwhelm us with waves of memories, especially during the holidays. Grief will also magnify the stress that is already a part of the holiday season. How do we begin to fill the emptiness we feel when it seems everyone else is overflowing with joy? There are some strategies to help you cope during the holidays and beyond.

Strategies for Survival
Offer Yourself Some Grace
The best thing you can do this holiday season is be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is your feeling. Don’t fall prey to the belief that you have to feel a certain way or do certain things for your holiday to be “normal.” If you feel sad, allow the tears to come; if you feel angry, allow yourself to vent some steam.

Be Kind to Yourself
Get the rest and nourishment you need. Don’t take on any more than you can handle. If you need to be alone, honor that. If you crave the company and affection of others, seek it out. Do whatever it is that feels right to you.

Ask For and Accept Help
The holiday season is no time to feign strength and independence. You will need the help and support of others to get through. Don’t feel as though you are a burden. People get immense satisfaction and joy from helping those they care about.

In times of need, other people desire to help but often don’t know how. This is the time for you to speak up and make your needs known. If you need someone to help you with meals, shopping, or decorating, tell them so. They will be delighted to feel like they are helping you in some way.

The same holds true for your emotional needs. Friends and family may feel uncomfortable when it comes to talking about your grief. They may think that you don’t want to talk about it and don’t want to remind you of your pain. Again, you will have to direct them in the best way to help you. If you want to talk about what you’re going through or just want a shoulder to cry on, let your loved ones know.

Find Support
Sharing your feelings is the best way to get through them. You need people you can talk to. Friends and relatives can be a great support to us during times of grief, but they are sometimes full of their own grief or so immersed in the business of the holidays that they cannot be a support to you. Support groups for caregivers and the bereaved are plentiful during the holiday season. Check with local churches, community centers, and hospice agencies to find a group that suites you. Support group members often make friends that end up being a source of support for years to come.

Make a Difference
Most of us like to help others during the holiday season. Taking the ornament off the tree at the mall, dropping our change in the charity basket, or donating to our favorite organization can help us feel like we are contributing to a greater good. Helping others in times of grief can help take the focus off yourself and your pain. Volunteering at a nursing home, hospital, children’s shelter, or soup kitchen can be cathartic in times of pain. Even helping a friend or family member in need can be healing.

Stop the Comparisons
It’s easy to watch other families and compare them to your own. Seeing other families together and enjoying the festivities may make you feel deprived. Keep in mind that the holidays are stressful for most families and are rarely the magical gatherings depicted in greeting cards. Try to embrace what you have rather than compare it to what you think others have.

Remember That You Will Survive
As hard as it is for you right now, you will survive. You will make it through the holidays in one piece. It may be the most difficult season in your time of grief, but it will pass. And when it does, you will come out on the other side stronger than before.

You don’t have to enjoy the holidays. You don’t even have to go through the motions pretending to enjoy the festivities. But, it’s also just fine to have a good time in spite of your grief. If happiness slips through your window of grief, allow it to happen and enjoy it. You won’t be doing your loved one an injustice by feeling joyous. The best gift you can give anyone you love, even someone you have lost, is being true to yourself and living your life to the fullest.

[Odie]

Focus on those wonderful memories, Shelbell. Try not to focus on those things that you cannot change. Remember the good times and cherish those memories and remember that you've got lots of friends here who love you.

I've mentioned this to Shell, and to get out of the house for the day, but it's their first anniversary apart, and first's of anything when you have just lost someone you love so much, is not easy to deal with.

[shelbell]

You know he'd not want you to feel upset. You'd know he'd want you to celebrate his life and not morn his death. It's easy for me to say this because I haven't lost anyone I've felt as close as you'd felt for him but to be honest there is absolutely no benefit to yourself to feel horrible against his wishes because I can attest that I'd personally not want anyone to morn my death. Of course I imagine it's hard for you or anyone that has lost a loved one so hopefully you can take some sort of comfort in knowing people duly LOVE you as a person because it's damn hard not to

Awe, thanks Kev...that means a lot.

[shelbell]

Well said KS well said. Shellbell we are here for you just know that we will do our best to get you through this day and others as well.

Remember the good times and those times that you shared with your husband that brought a smile to your face and laughter.

Focus on those wonderful memories, Shelbell. Try not to focus on those things that you cannot change. Remember the good times and cherish those memories and remember that you've got lots of friends here who love you.

Thanks Carla and G...there are so many special and wonderful memories I have of Grant and thankfully so many of them are locked in my heart and mind so I can cherish them whenever I want. We had one of those "once in a lifetime" kinda loves and thankfully we both knew it...we were soul mates, best friends...we were two halves that made a whole. I no longer know who I am...since he died, I'm just a half...a half that needs to learn again how to be a whole by myself. I think that is a part of this unbelievably intense pain I feel...when he died, a part of me did too.

[shelbell]

I've mentioned this to Shell, and to get out of the house for the day, but it's their first anniversary apart, and first's of anything when you have just lost someone you love so much, is not easy to deal with.

You're right sis, all the firsts have been really hard, but this first anniversary without him has been the hardest of all.

[shelbell]

Thanks for posting that article aftr...I've seen things like this, but still some people just don't understand it. I've already warned my family, I may not be going around for Christmas, or I may, it just all depends on how I'm doing and if I'm up to it that day. This article can help others understand better what a person in mourning is going thru...and thank you for your friendship.