New guy in an odd situation (long)

[Peg]

I hope you do hang around awhile. I think you know what you should do in this situation. The question is, can you?

[Girty1600]

I am new here as well but, my take on this is: do whatever feels right. Just be careful not to hurt anyone.

[Peg]

Originally Posted by Girty1600

I am new here as well but, my take on this is: do whatever feels right. Just be careful not to hurt anyone.

Hi girty. Welcom to the garden.

[koan]

I am in a similar but less open situation.

I am dating a married man who's wife doesn't know. It's not something you decide to do. This is an emotion field not a logic one. Logically, one would realize that falling in love with a married person is fruitless since they are unavailable to some extent. Emotionally, when you are drawn to someone your heart rules the day.

Before sleeping with my cheater, I had to decide how I felt about the situation. He is the one who made the commitment and is betraying it, not me. Regardless, the moral question before me is: If he is cheating on her, why would he not cheat on me? There can never be complete trust when someone is not being honest. In your case, there is honesty but confusion. What is love? I am still too young to even attempt an understanding of that. This is a closer situation to my older brother and his 'wife' who asked him to get a girlfriend so they could stay together for the kids and she wouldn't have to sleep with him anymore. His EX 'wife' now, has proven herself to be a cruel and heartless woman in many ways, which is why they are exs now. These situations are always difficult. I wonder what the children grow up thinking love is when two people who are not physically close and supportive stay together. Will they find passionate, supportive partners when they start looking for a mate?

I think sex is important in a relationship. If you aren't comfortable bearing yourself and becoming vulnerable with your mate then the love is merely that of a close friend with whom you can never fully unite. Why do they think it is better to stay together? My ex-husband and I are better friends now than we ever could have been when we were married. As spouses we were losing each other, when we split we found each other again.

My philosophy is that every person who enters your life is your teacher and you are theirs. So ask what you are learning from this woman and, regardless of how it turns out, try to be the wisest teachers to each other. I am very interested in how this may evolve or dissolve. I wish my cheater would at least be honest with his wife even if they aren't sleeping together anymore, she probably knows anyway and at the very least, deserves that respect.

The morals are irrelevant, in a way. It is something that happens TO you. Emotions can not be reasoned with.

Good luck.

[Bill Sikes]

Originally Posted by koan

I am dating a married man who's wife doesn't know. <snip>
Before sleeping with my cheater, I had to decide how I felt about the situation. He is the one who made the commitment and is betraying it, not me.

I am outraged. This is repulsive behaviour. You should be ashamed of yourself.

[koan]

Originally Posted by Bill Sikes

I am outraged. This is repulsive behaviour. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Perhaps I should be ashamed but I've spent too much time living in shame and trying to heal from it. Your outrage means only that you are solid in how you feel about this situation but it offers no arguement against it. Repulsive behaviour is subjective. I think it was repulsive when my older brother raped me as an adolescent. I think consensual sex is rarely repulsive. Judgement is best left for a person to judge themselves.

To aggrevate you more...my therapist was not surprised, repulsed or negative at all about the situation. He feels that society is structured to destroy relationships and he is only surprised that people stay together at all anymore. Maybe he is not a good therapist but he has proven quite wise in many ways. Why should I be ashamed when my actions are to embrace a fellow human who needs understanding and companionship. I don't think he needs me to love him, I think he needs to learn to love himself more so that he can understand his relationships better. When people stay together 'for the children' they can end up doing more harm than good. His family starts to feel like his sacrifice instead of his source of joy and then the desire to escape or punish them emotionally ensues. If he wasn't with me he would be continuing to create misery around his home. My hope is that he stops living in the shadows and starts living in truth and love. Maybe he really does love his wife and he has just forgotten. Until he rediscovers himself and what he really wants he will continue to look for love and happiness in all the wrong places.

Until you know the events that have led a person to where they are, it is harsh to make judgements or demand shame. I thought we were looking for unbiased opinions.

[Peg]

His family starts to feel like his sacrifice? Then it's time for him to get the hell out! If he weren't with you, he'd be with someone else. Having never been in your situation, I can only guess how it must be. You more than likely are available pretty much any time and have to work around his being able to make time for you. I just cannot understand why a person would want half a relationship. As long as he is still with his wife, he can never put 100% into a relationship.

[koan]

Originally Posted by Peg

His family starts to feel like his sacrifice? Then it's time for him to get the hell out!
I beleive he is planning to, but I consider that his business.

If he weren't with you, he'd be with someone else.
I would be naive to think he hasn't been, I only know I'm the only one right now.

Having never been in your situation, I can only guess how it must be. You more than likely are available pretty much any time and have to work around his being able to make time for you. I just cannot understand why a person would want half a relationship. As long as he is still with his wife, he can never put 100% into a relationship.

I have been used so many times by boy-men that need a mommy to take care of them that it is somewhat of a relief not to have to be his caregiver. That is where I feel sorry for his wife, that she keeps his home and does all that work and may not know that he has already left her. Since I sincerely believe they don't have sex anymore and haven't for many years, I would think that it would not be much of a surprise. I would not be ok with it if I thought he was still sleeping with her too. We work together from time to time so I see him a fair bit and he phones me very consistently. I am surprised at the level of commitment I have seen so far. I really think that he just feels like he wants to make for 'lost opportunities'. He got married in his teens due to her pregnancy. He is no less available than a lot of single guys who lead busy lives. I don't really expect it to last as lovers but I hope that we will develop a very good friendship as usually happens with my exs.

Thank you for your concern.

I really don't think all cheaters are horrible people. Just confused...like most the rest of us.

[Peg]

I have to give the husband of the lady rippy is seeing credit. At least he is hearing that she is unhappy, at least he is trying to do what it takes to keep her, whether or not it is the right or best way. I think a lot of times, a person knows their spouse is unhappy, but thinks it'll pass or something and then they are in shock when he/she cheats or leaves.

[Paramour2_99]

OK,,,,now you realize that your are trouncing on a relationship that God has brought together. Marriage is a sacred entity, blessed by God, and one that "no man" should tear apart.

There is absolutely no advice anyone should give you to encourage an adulterous affair. Picture this, you find out that your daughters husband is seeing another woman - now take those feelings you would have about that and imagine God having those same feelings about "YOU" as the cheating man in her marriage!

You and this woman are selfish and the 3 of you are morally abandoned. You'll have no luck in life and niether will the married couple envolved.

My advice is to pray for forgiveness and cease your activities and feelings for this woman.

Nature has a way of paying you back for all offenses no matter how many wonderful lustful days you've enjoyed,,,,believe me,,,,believe you me!