Realising that I am very lonely

[Boogalette]

I'm 40, let's get that out of the way. I'm a wife and mother. I work full time and have for a very long time.

I have recently realized that I have no real friends anymore, and I do not know why. My 2 closest friends had moved away for different reasons, and I am still in touch with them. I miss them terribly. I miss calling them up and asking if they would like to go shopping or for a coffee of something.
When I call my other friends, all I get is excuses, even frim my sister, even if I see if they would like to do so a week in advance.

Am I that gruesome of a person? Am I that horrible to be around? Have I hurt people so much over the years that this is my payback? Does everyone I know think I am made of stone? Is this karma?

If this is karma, I would like to say I get it

I'm lonely. My family loves me and we spend time together. I'm grateful. I need other people too. I need a best friend.

I have been making friends but I also do not want to poach other friends. I am jealous of those who have group of friends and watch them and wonder why no one invited me?? I am supposed to be friends with them. I want to be included, to be part of a circle.

I would like to know what lesson I am supposed to be learning from all of this, or am I possibly over analysing things?

I can understand why some women have affairs as I have entertained it. I would never have one, or even flirt with the opportunity, but I understand why some people do it.

I'm just very sad right now. I am also not allowing myself to fully feel it and work thru it. I'm getting stuck and hung up on this because I feel I am not allowed to wallow, that I should 'suck it up, princess'.



well, I have vented, maybe that will take the edge off. Thank you for your ear.

[minks]

it screams of midlife crisis. hehehehe

Aw i have to ask how old are your children? If they are getting up into the teens I found that to be a huge transission for me... they needed me less and I suddenly had time on my hands to myself for myself. I found volunteering helped and yah I made great friends there.

You may also be the kind of person who likes quality friends over quantity friends, go on try taking some course of interest, start a new hobby, volunteer and you will be surprised who you will find as friends.

Also... go on just be friends with the peoples you mentioned, you can only try right

[along-for-the-ride]

These thoughts of lost friendships have occured to me now and then. I have met and made some wonderful friends during the course of my lifetime so far. (I am over 50.....so let's get that out of the way ) Because I've moved or they've moved, or we just took up other interests, I no longer have that close friendship with them. I kind of envy the folks who have been best friends for years. That's life. I also work, but, although I get along with my co-workers, I don't consider them as friends because we don't socialize "off the clock".
The most important thing you must realize is that you've got to like yourself. You've got to find out what you enjoy doing or are curious about doing......a new hobby, a sport, something like that. Then after you find out what it is, pursue it with enthusiasm and join others who enjoy the same thing. That's where you may find new friends.
Finding a true friend is a gift. Not everybody is lucky enough to find him/her.
We have many acquaintances, but few good friends.


PS. An affair is not the answer. Believe it not, this is not a cure for lonliness. Look at your husband and remember what is was that first attracted you to him. It may be time to approach your marriage a bit differently. Work as the team you are and see if a change in routine is in order.

I hope I have been able to help you a little.

[spot]

Hiya Dede.

If you're living in an isolated community, working full time, surrounded by snowbanks and howling blizzards for six months of the year and bringing up a couple of pre-teen children then I'd have thought you're very dependent on your few neighbours for company during your few unoccupied hours. It's not like life in a city with hundreds of socializing options. Presumably you know everyone in town and they all know you too.

Perhaps there's a local political issue you could champion, that might build new connections with people you'd not normally sit and talk with.

Or maybe the image I have of your town is completely mistaken?

[minks]

Originally Posted by spot

Hiya Dede.

If you're living in an isolated community, working full time, surrounded by snowbanks and howling blizzards for six months of the year and bringing up a couple of pre-teen children then I'd have thought you're very dependent on your few neighbours for company during your few unoccupied hours. It's not like life in a city with hundreds of socializing options. Presumably you know everyone in town and they all know you too.

Perhaps there's a local political issue you could champion, that might build new connections with people you'd not normally sit and talk with.

Or maybe the image I have of your town is completely mistaken?

Geeze spot that is every town in Canada cept for the west coast ahahaha oh wait here in mine, we get 8 months of snow

[Rapunzel]

Hiya Boogie-woogie girl.

You sound as though you're feeling depressed hunni. I know where you're coming from. I suffered major depression a few years ago and it seemed to last forever. A part of it was feeling that I had no real friends. I've had real friends in the past but as I've moved I've gradually lost them. In my last job, I loved my job, but wasn't especially close to anyone. As AFTR said, they're more like acquaintances, rather than friends. However, I've just changed jobs and made a wonderful new friend, which just goes to show that you never know what's waiting for you around the next corner.

Here's a song for you:

YouTube - Just Around the Riverbend - Pocahontas

As has been said above, you need some change in your life. (And not an affair. ) Maybe a new hobby or interest. I like cross-stitching personally. I also love to read, but not when I'm feeling down. Then I need to shake off the sad feelings by going for a walk through the park, riding my bike or going swimming. And yes, you CAN go by yourself. Most people do. You can even stand up and sing head, shoulders, knees and toes to yourself and do the actions repeatedly and getting faster until you're out of breath! Sounds silly but you need to shake off those doldrums to start to feel better.
You can also chat to the nice folks here. Do something nice for yourself and believe that you deserve that niceness. It's not karma. It's cyclical depression, you're just swirling around getting closer to that plughole that will sweep you down into the depths of despair. Only nice people worry whether they might be horrible, really horrible people don't give a stuff what anyone else thinks! So you're obviously lovely. Stick around, have a chat, lay down the weight on your shoulders and gradually you'll find your burden being left behind. That's my five cents worth of advice. Now lets go for coffee.

[Kathy Ellen]

Lots of good advice here Dede.....Hope you feel better.

[Boogalette]

Originally Posted by minks

it screams of midlife crisis. hehehehe

Aw i have to ask how old are your children? If they are getting up into the teens I found that to be a huge transition for me... they needed me less and I suddenly had time on my hands to myself for myself. I found volunteering helped and yah I made great friends there.

You may also be the kind of person who likes quality friends over quantity friends, go on try taking some course of interest, start a new hobby, volunteer and you will be surprised who you will find as friends.

Also... go on just be friends with the peoples you mentioned, you can only try right

It does smack crisis, doesn't it? LOL
My kids are not even 10 yet, but they are needing me less and less. I do know that I am feeling less and less appreciated by them, husband too. All husband wants is to do is fool around. I know some people would appreciate that, but I can assure you it gets old fast.
I like quality friends, true enough. I just want to joke and talk and have conversations.

I will continue with the ladies I have been spending time with. I like them and I hope they like me.

I just want to be liked, don't we all?

And thank you for your reply, I appreciate it

[Boogalette]

Originally Posted by along-for-the-ride

These thoughts of lost friendships have occurred to me now and then. I have met and made some wonderful friends during the course of my lifetime so far. (I am over 50.....so let's get that out of the way ) Because I've moved or they've moved, or we just took up other interests, I no longer have that close friendship with them. I kind of envy the folks who have been best friends for years. That's life. I also work, but, although I get along with my co-workers, I don't consider them as friends because we don't socialize "off the clock".
The most important thing you must realize is that you've got to like yourself. You've got to find out what you enjoy doing or are curious about doing......a new hobby, a sport, something like that. Then after you find out what it is, pursue it with enthusiasm and join others who enjoy the same thing. That's where you may find new friends.
Finding a true friend is a gift. Not everybody is lucky enough to find him/her.
We have many acquaintances, but few good friends.


PS. An affair is not the answer. Believe it not, this is not a cure for loneliness. Look at your husband and remember what is was that first attracted you to him. It may be time to approach your marriage a bit differently. Work as the team you are and see if a change in routine is in order.

I hope I have been able to help you a little.

You have been helpful , replying to me means lots.
I too envy the ones that have maintained such friendships.
My goodness, all of my feelings about this are right there and set off easily. I'm feeling very sensitive today, well, most of the weekend actually.

Yoga, I feel yoga may be the hobby I will pursue. I have asked several people if they would like to join me, and I have been politely refused. I will do this on my own.

[Boogalette]

Originally Posted by spot

Hiya Dede.

If you're living in an isolated community, working full time, surrounded by snowbanks and howling blizzards for six months of the year and bringing up a couple of pre-teen children then I'd have thought you're very dependent on your few neighbours for company during your few unoccupied hours. It's not like life in a city with hundreds of socializing options. Presumably you know everyone in town and they all know you too.

Perhaps there's a local political issue you could champion, that might build new connections with people you'd not normally sit and talk with.

Or maybe the image I have of your town is completely mistaken?

Hi, Spot

My city has roughly a population of 100K. We have quite a thriving community. I live within city limits , but many consider it country life, 15 minutes from city center. Sometimes I would like to throttle people who think they have to plan a weekend to visit my family, but yet they expect myself and my family to make teh exact same drive. Boggles my mind .

I live in a community larger than a village and a town, for sure. But it is more like 3 degrees of separation, not the 6 we all are familiar with.

We are buried in snow for months at a time, but hey, it's Canada, it happens.