Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)

[BabyRider]

Sounds like some pretty scary crap, don't it? Well, I guess it was, but thankfully I don't have any memory of the crash, or most of the hospital so it's all good. What's weird about it is, the effects later. If anyone had told me some of the things that I'm going to tell you, I'd have called them a liar to their face. I've been telling a wonderful friend of mine here some of the odd after-effects of getting a whack to the head. Here's a few:
Mood swings! I have never been a really emotional person. Takes something pretty drastic to get reaction, let alone any emotion from me. Now? I can tear up at any damn thing. Nope, I don't llike it, either. I'm impatient, crabby, intolerant. I also have found out that an injury like this can actually change how a person reacts to light and color. A friend of my Dad's is an expert in this field and she gave me an exam. Damn thing took 1.5 hours, too. But, what I learned is going to make recovery that much easier. One instance that freaked me out was when Dad and I went to Sam's club to get my 'scripts filled. Some jackass got on the PA system and was SCREECHING into it. I pulled up short and covered my ears. Unfortunately it went a bit farther than that. I pulled my hands away from my ears and started bitching. LOUD. Hollering out, "Shut the F**K UP, YOU DON'T NEED TO YELL, THAT WHY IT'S A PA SYSTEM!!! SHUT UUUUUUUPPPPPPP!!!!!" Dad reached into my pocket, handed me a smoke and a light and told me to go wait outside. Found out at the exam that I have no tolerance for flourescent lighting, AND that I should never write on white peper. Purple or violet is the proper color for me to write on.
Next weird thing? I was given a book about TBI by one of my surgeons and one thing I read was that ALL of your senses can change to some degree. ALL OF THEM. Didn't buy it but now, when I taste a familiar food and realize that it tastes nothing like I remember, I had to believe it. There is all kinds of food that I used to love that tastes pretty friggin' awful now. Breakfast cereal is one.
Told ya it was weird!
The worst part about it is, I don't trust my own mind because I am aware of the changes in me, and THAT really sucks. I've always trusted my gut and now I don't trust it as far as I can throw my house. Between that and knowing I will never ride on 2 wheels again really TICKS ME OFF!!!!
Last thing I learned about my hospital stay which also ticked me off for NO REASON is that my first surgeon who sewed my head closed, sewed me up, looked at the 27 stitches and didn't like the result so she TOOK THEM ALL OUT AND STARTED OVER.
That sort of thing really shouldn't make me angry because I have pretty much no scar from where my head came open. Don't have much feeling there yet, but it looks perfect!

[chonsigirl]

BR, for what you suffered, you have done well. You will continue to get better as time goes by. Many areas of the brain will heal, grow new neural pathways to reconnect many things you once remembered.

Sometimes like you example of never using white paper, is some on the new things you will have to face. I have loads of books on TBI, and I know what doctors have told me, concerning my husband. They gave up on him by the 12 month point. They usually tell you 12-18 months is the top for recovery of certain neural sensations and memory. Don't you believe it one bit! You can always continue to get better, it might be a long slow process, but you will do it.

You have the will, the power within yourself to continue to get better. I have all faith in you.

[lady cop]

i have FAITH that in time many of your sensory functions will repair themselves. the brain is miraculous! witness stroke victims.

[BabyRider]

Originally Posted by chonsigirl

BR, for what you suffered, you have done well. You will continue to get better as time goes by. Many areas of the brain will heal, grow new neural pathways to reconnect many things you once remembered.

Sometimes like you example of never using white paper, is some on the new things you will have to face. I have loads of books on TBI, and I know what doctors have told me, concerning my husband. They gave up on him by the 12 month point. They usually tell you 12-18 months is the top for recovery of certain neural sensations and memory. Don't you believe it one bit! You can always continue to get better, it might be a long slow process, but you will do it.

You have the will, the power within yourself to continue to get better. I have all faith in you.

Ah, thanks Chonsi. I know a lot of this will change but it's the actual change that makes me nervous. I am a completely different person now, and what I will become makes me wonder. A lot of what I'm seeing in me is nothing to be proud of. For God's sake when I saw Bullet on Friday I started a fight with him! A FIGHT WITH MY IMPRISONED HUSBAND!!! For the love of Christ I made him cry. The next 24 hours were the worst since he's been gone and I spent our next 15 minute conversation apologizing for being such a POS.

On a happier note though, I have a friend who lost the sight in one eye and it took 2 YEARS for her to regain it. My regular doctor told me that even though the neurosurgeon said I wouldn't get the sight back that it's way too early to say that for sure. That gave me some hope, but I still won't be holding my breath. I will ride again, it will just have to be a 3-wheeler. Even if I do regain my sight I don't think I can ever trust cagers to drive around me again. That and the fact that I have to re-learn how to shoot my bow and my guns really twists me up. I will probably never be as good a shot as I once was.

However, the alternate ending to this story is that my friends would have attended my funeral.

[BabyRider]

Originally Posted by lady cop

i have FAITH that in time many of your sensory functions will repair themselves. the brain is miraculous! witness stroke victims.

I'm glad you do my friend, because mine left me with the pints of blood I lost. Bitter? Yeah, probably a little.

Hey Br, I remember when I came over you couldn't stand the flourescent light being on, we had to go get someone to find out how to turn the damn things off!
Don't get too mad at yourself..things are still adjusting and getting back to normal. Give it all a bit of time. I'm not surprised you went nuts about them undoing the stitches and starting again, but at least she was a bit of a perfectionist, otherwise it may not have turned out as well as it has!
Put it this way - when I read about your injuries, I half expected to turn up and see a half bald, stitched up BR, as that's what would happen over here, I guarantee ya! As it was, I walked in and saw my beautiful bud with all her fantastic hair still intact.
Me and Floopy even said that you are the only person either of us knows that could still look fab even with black eyes!

[chonsigirl]

My dear BR, it is a difficult and emotion time with all this healing process going on. I am sure your beloved Bullet realized this, and maybe if you have a book on TBI to leave him it might help.

I think I will always answer you truthfully, since I live with this issue.

Will you change? Yes.

Will it all be bad? of course not! You do have some damage, but hold out for that thought that a year or two from now your sight can be restored.

Will you be emotional, when you were not before? Yes. It is the brain trying to sort things out, and it brings out the emotional side of you. You cannot help it. In time, you will learn how to regain control of it. No bashing of yourself for this, it is a normal process and takes time.

Will you do everything you did before? If you want to, even though it is modified. As long as you do it, and you want to, you can.

Are you the same inside as you once were? Yes, our BR is still there, and that will never change.

I will write a long post-this is how far my husband has come in 2 1/2 years:

At the time of the accident: Total paralysis on right side, no speech, no memory, he could not even breath on his own.

2 1/2 years later: He is able to function at home, eat meals by himself-overcoming no sight out of one eye-yes, BR. He can see with that eye. Depth perception has returned pretty accurately. He can walk in a walker 4-5 times a day by himself unaided-but someone is always there just for safety issues. He can dress himself, feed himself, and do some simple things. He sat on the floor Saturday night to assemble the Christmas tree-fluffed out 3-4 branches himself. That was an impossible task 2 years ago. He even picked up the phone this week for the first time and could answer it, and respond to my mother when she called. A small thing we take for granted, but miraculous for him. Memory, that is the unknown for him. He know me and the children, and can talk 2-3 sentences in a row that make sense. Very well for someone who could not talk at all. I will sniffle this once and not mention it again, I still do wait to hear my name. That he does not remember. I do want to hear it at least once, it is our anniversary tomorrow. He will remember when I come home with something nice for him, and smile for me. He knows the times, and knows it is almost winter break, and I will be home. That makes him happy. And I think I have rambled enough.

Originally Posted by BabyRider

Ah, thanks Chonsi. I know a lot of this will change but it's the actual change that makes me nervous. I am a completely different person now, and what I will become makes me wonder. A lot of what I'm seeing in me is nothing to be proud of. For God's sake when I saw Bullet on Friday I started a fight with him! A FIGHT WITH MY IMPRISONED HUSBAND!!! For the love of Christ I made him cry. The next 24 hours were the worst since he's been gone and I spent our next 15 minute conversation apologizing for being such a POS.

On a happier note though, I have a friend who lost the sight in one eye and it took 2 YEARS for her to regain it. My regular doctor told me that even though the neurosurgeon said I wouldn't get the sight back that it's way too early to say that for sure. That gave me some hope, but I still won't be holding my breath. I will ride again, it will just have to be a 3-wheeler. Even if I do regain my sight I don't think I can ever trust cagers to drive around me again. That and the fact that I have to re-learn how to shoot my bow and my guns really twists me up. I will probably never be as good a shot as I once was.
However, the alternate ending to this story is that my friends would have attended my funeral.

Don't you believe it lady!
It's early days, but the other eye will start to compensate...that and you'll get used to the new eye-hand co-ordination. You can be just as good as anyone else, and I know you're not one to wuss out on a bit of a challenge, are you?
I really believe it is possible that you'll get your sight back eventually, science is making progress all the time, and just because it may be uncertain now, doesn't mean it will be in a year or two, or even when everything is settled down enough to know for sure.
You've been through the worst of it, now is the time for the good stuff to start happening for you!

[Marie5656]

You will do well BR as you have a good support system. My experience with TBI tells me that you may not ever be the same Criss as you were a few months ago.....but the different Criss will be stronger for the experience. You will learn to overcome the challenges...and learn to cope with them to make your life tolerable and livable again.

I remember a man I worked with who was a TBI patient. He could not speak, but he could write out his thoughts. An interesting thing was that his perception difficulty only allowed him to see 1/2 the page of paper...all of his writing stopped dead center on the page, and he would start a new line. If we turned the paper around, he could not "see" the stuff on the other half of the paper.

Your recovery will be a slow process, and it will be an ongoing one...but you will cope. Just remember to vent to friends and family now and again. It will help you.

[chonsigirl]

Here is a link to look for support groups, I know there must be one by you somewhere.

http://www.headinjury.com/linktbisup.htm