Skittles Just Wants Normality...

[Omni_Skittles]

So, I can't seem to write my script of just dialog. i start and i'm like... arg... i just can't write. I'm not a writer! i'm a horrible writer. My thoughts and my imagination are just never good enough to be written out. So sometimes i avoid writing because i hate what i have birthed onto a stupid piece of wal-mart college ruled paper. UGH i'm rather annoyed because right now i'm interested in ONE guy but i can't get the other guy out of my life. He's like my best friend but i'm not interested in him but he is in me... so it's awkward. When he's talking to me i can't think of nothing but the other guy so it's just all so complicated. I'm too nice to cut off one friendship, but i'm stupid for letting him think otherwise. But i did tell him i had NO interest in him. We laughed about it... so he knows right? ehh whatever... so that's skittles for today...

[Omni_Skittles]

Spring Break is over. Enough said...

[Omni_Skittles]

So, here i am. March 25th. Sitting in my room watching the world pass me by, as always. so it's windy in texas. Nothing new i suppose. My second semester of college is almost over... I'm holding on... barely. but holding on.

Today we studied Philippians in New Testament survey, and we've pretty much picked every bit of it a part. So what did i learn? Well, i learned to tell everything to God. Not to worry about it and give it ALL to God and not everyone else. Like... umm everything. So when i have a bad day i am not going to my mom or friends or even ya'll. I'm just going to pray about it apparently. simple enough right? should be. Anyways as i was reading Philippians i got a different feeling from it then, let's just say Corinthians. Paul was truly pleased with the church in Philippians but Paul still told them they need to humble themselves and consider everyone in Christ a servant. So, if the Church of Philippians needed a change still, that means we as Christians now need a change as well. hmm make sense? probably not. but it does to me... so bleh. lol

[Omni_Skittles]

I am still so immature and irresponsible. I don't know why i won't change. I try at least.

[Omni_Skittles]

So, It has been a while since i've done this so i'll make this one a quick update...
So far i been in counseling and I've taken a depression test. I don't know how that will go... With my luck i will be in years of therapy. which i don't want. i guess i just want to know what's wrong with me. Maybe there is nothing wrong with me and i'm just being over dramatic. I haven't been reading my bible! OMG!!! how dumb can i be! I still have SOOO much to do!!! ugh.

Bible Study Project- take 12 hours- Due Friday--- none of it done
English Paper- Take 4 hours- Due Thursday--- Introduction done
Speech- 2 hours- Due Thursday--- Introduction Completed
Script- 5 hours-- due i'm not really that sure!!!!! okay so my schedule today...

Meeting at two
3:30-5- work on English paper 2.5h
7-11- Work on Bible Study 4h
11-1 Work on Speech 2h

Wednesday
No classes but i do have chapel soo...

1-2 English Paper 1h
4-5 Speech 1h
8-11- Bible Study 3h
11-1 Bible Study (Room)2 h
Thursday
9-11p.m. Bible Study (library) 2h
11-1 Bible study (room) 2h

Bible Study- 9 hrs +4 hrs
English paper 3.5
Speech 3 hours

well that's my day mapped out! cruds!!!

[Omni_Skittles]

So i been doing a lot better. I been so much more happier with life in general. I just had to get pass some... junk so to say. Right now i feel like i have.


8 He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful.
1 Corinthians 1:8-9

seriously ya'll God is faithful in everything he does. I never know but in my worst times when i feel abadoned God is there keeping me from killing myself and others!!! How great is our God. Random thoughts about how i feel...


EXCITED o wow excited. For tonight and everything that has been going on! i should get back to my room and finish whatever it is i do.

[Omni_Skittles]

So today i learned a very amazing thing. i always considered myself a homophobic and i that i have a bubble of three inches and no one can pass. Well today i decided to go beyond my boundaries and God just worked an amazing thing in my life. Tonight i sat with homosexuals and had fun. I felt awkward and out of place at first but in no time i was having so much fun with them. They are the nicest, funniest people in the world. It was good fun. I also kept being touched and so my bubble was pretty much gone which is a good thing so yea that was my experience today.

[Omni_Skittles]

"Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands"

Just as I am. I have a lot of issues.

I worry too much, I think too much, I can never keep anything in order, I have fear of really dumb things, I act too much like a child, i care too much about what people say about me, I have emotional issues, I am mentally messed up, I like to argue too much, I am always right even when i know i am wrong, i can't get along with my siblings, i eat too much, i eat too little, i don't eat, i hate my feet, sometimes i hate being me, i feel like i always need to be like my siblings, i feel like i am never adequate enough, i just always feel something is missing...

The list goes on and on and on...

What i find amazing though is through all my mess ups and Issues Jesus still loves me no matter what. Before i had ever done a thing or even taken a breath God had already accepted me. I struggle so much with a lot of things, but because of friends i am learning soo much about myself and I'm working on it all... just takes a little time for me.

[Omni_Skittles]

Ugh summer is here! lol i need to think a lot this summer. Figure out WHAT DO I WANT! go ahead ask me! umm my answer I don't know! I just dodged one relationship and i am really happy about it. I mean the guy is a jerk... and i can't start a relationship when i can't get another guy out of my mind! i'm so lost. SO lost. I don't know what direction i'm going in. I know this is where all 18 year olds are but i am just SOOO lost. I want to get away. I want to live in absolute isolation. ya know? I feel it is something i need. I really do! to be alone and have nothing or anybody telling me what i want or need or anything like that! I'm just so lost. i need to find out me. I need to grow up! i need to! ugh i'm so tired of being a child! I WANT TO GROW UP! AGGGGGGGGGGG hmmm okay well i am going to pray and read. that sounds good right now. hmmm well that's me lately. LOST!

[Omni_Skittles]

So wow, i'm a little dramatic at times. haha. so......... summer has been good so far. My cousin's fiancee is in the E.R... which is a bummer... but right now i just feel soo good lately. I can't find anything wrong. I mean everything wrong can only happen for so long.... or maybe everything is wrong but since i been through worst i'm like whatever "no skin off my nose" I miss school! Man i miss school. I miss chapel everyday and the worship!!! i miss bible classes and friends who aren't there to try to get me in trouble... i mean the most i been in trouble for was like... idk sleeping in on my birthday and missing my surprise party lol. i'm just blabbering because i have nothing better to do except math... but I HATE MATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!