It's been another day. another day passed and another day waisted. I think it's sad that for my speech i am thinking of doing a Eulogy for my brother! I wonder if i could actually do it. I mean it's been so long but a lot of bad memories and junk still aren't buried with him. I remember the funeral... It was LOOONG! like 3 hours maybe more. Mainly because a person would talk then you would have to translate... that takes forever... but i remember sitting in the back... avoiding family. i remember Nick was trying to cheer me up. UGH i was wearing a hideous black sweater and plaid pants... ugh... I remember thinking that day that everything was going to be different. It has changed... life. for me anyway. I heard mom started drinking... i talked to my little brother for the first time in two years... He's doing well i think. I really miss normality but i love that i am adapting to all this junk. I had always wanted to join the army as a child. But more because it was my get away... now i just want to join. Which is causing my adopted mom to freak out! Right now... I just want sanity. I have so many stupid thoughts and all i want is sanity. I have church and God to rely on. And that really seems to be my only normality.
Eh... now that i think about it... what really is normal. Is it something i perceive... of course right? only i can judge what's normal for me!!! oh castings went well, i just hate that people are already starting drama!!!!
So everything seems to just be crashing on me! like BAAM All of a sudden my procrastination has just kicked me in my arse and i think I'm learning the lesson of procrastination... even as i am procrastinating a research paper! UGH why do i? But chyea today was good. I have learned an incredible lesson! It was about approval. Anyway in chapel, which i was going to miss!!!, this guy spoke on approval! and he was an EXTREMELY talented speaker... anyway the message was Get approval from God! he talked about John the Baptist. and how Jesus was given approval by his father way before he even did anything! which is a really good lesson! anyway that's all for now... I am going to see if i can do something on my research paper! haha
Hmm so today was really fun. I went through craziness! Kinda glad the day is gone. I just have one question. I have a friend whom i can't stand. I can't stand him for several reasons. Today i studied with him and everything about him annoyed me. Then i started to judge him... on really shallow things. Like his side burns and junk... He just annoys me! I think really this all started when he would make fun of my older brother. Yea he's a little weird but he's MY brother. I think i am being shallow. but he just annoyed me! maybe i'm just extremely tired!!! So today in chapel the message was about the decline of Christianity and how we can do something about it. It was kinda long and manuscripted. but i have become more opening to stuff like that. Oh and also I started reading books. one John Keegan and The Book of War and the other Air Power by Stephen Budiansky. I still have an interview to do. Journal to write. Research paper to write. A eulogy and other junk... right now i need to do the interview and the eulogy. those should both be done by Monday i hope. I just love being busy. I missed dinner and am eating ketchup! lol kinda gross i know but what else can i do! Oh today in Mr. Prices class we discussed... umm oh nothing that interesting really. haha i usually enjoy that class but today kinda was dull. i liked english because i was busy! i think i like classes that challenge me.
I don't know why i am always led back to this same place. I don't get any of it! I'm 17, i'm living an awesome life that so many others have never lived. I've learned SOOO many lessons as a child. But it seems so everyday toward the end of the day i just want to cry! I feel something is missing. I feel so much of me is just... wrong. I lie to myself and say, I'm fine. I'm okay. I throw my life in religion and God. I know he loves me, but am i worth loving. i feel so much of the junk in my life won't leave me! I feel the memories i have are never going to leave. I just wish sometimes i had someone who knew exactly what i have been through. I hate that so much of me is being waisted. No one can possibly feel this much sadness can they? Or is this fear? am i missing something? What's worse is tomorrow i will be fine. And then toward the end of the day this cycle will return. In simplicity... I hate being me.
4 I always thank God for you because of his grace given you in Christ Jesus. 5 For in him you have been enriched in every way — in all your speaking and in all your knowledge— 6 because our testimony about Christ was confirmed in you. 7 Therefore you do not lack any spiritual gift as you eagerly wait for our Lord Jesus Christ to be revealed. 8 He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful.
Taking a break from almost a week of doing nothing but papers and studying... currently i been in the library... 5 hours... i have three more hours to go!!! then back in the library sunday... if it's not closed... if so i am carrying a butt load of commentaries with me back to my room! which i'm not happy about. But yes everything else has been fun and good. After my birthday mom called me extremely upset and we talked like we haven't in a long time. much needed. well, off i am again to my last three hours!!!!
Taking yet another break. So the topic in my head is atheism. They have a lot of great questions! they really do. But none can be answered. They ask, Why is there hunger and starvation and stuff like that... well, I could never answer that. Maybe i could pull the argument of sin. Which is a good one. But today in class my prof showed us a video about Brazil. My heart broke. I cried. I mean you cannot fathom or put your mind around what i saw! Children running around sick with rashes on there skins... children with diarrhea running down there legs... it broke me to tears... God has put each of us on this earth to worship him, that's what our meaning in life is. Worship is not only "Praise God, He is holy" Stuff... It's also in what we do. I believe we can worship God in our acts that we do. I know God has a purpose in my life... to make films that will help these children. We are sooo blessed in America but yet we forget so much of the poverty around the world. and really that's where my heart is. Missions. when i deny myself and finally do God's will and give him the COMPLETE me that i am... then will things change. Because through me God wants to make changes. It all goes back to God. Poverty can't be changed... but i can make a difference!
So, I'm bored out of my mind. Procrastinating a paper... oh crud and a script... CRUD! how did i forget the script... idk. now i'm just annoyed. So today was a great day! WOOT! like really great. Idk if people ever read this... which is kind of a waist of time if you ask me. But yes anyway, within the last week i been growing interest in this guy. I know nothing about him except he's from Oregon and he's a freshman who once played baseball. I don't know why but suddenly i'm just extremely attracted to him. in many ways. ugh this can't be happening to me... NO!!! i refuse to let anything happen... well here's a better way of putting that. God it's in your control!
So what's on skittles mind today? School work. Spring break... and my neglection for reading the bible... shame on me really. hmm same with my room... horrible. mom is coming tonight to pick us up to go to home to REAL food! yayayayay so i'm going to be gone for a while! yippie... to normality... or not...