its me!!

[Helen]

another glorious day here again and what a difference a day makes !! the holidays are upon us.
the traffic has doubled, car parks are fuller.
we opened at lunch time and did quite well then we spent a while tidying our car park.
it was nice to be outside for a while.
wish it was this time last week though, its not nice thinking ive got to go about two months before i can get away again but thats the price i have to pay for working in the tourist industry !! at least i have a job thank heavens.
did a lot of cooking yesterday to put in the freezer and now i cant be bothered to get it out again and eat it

my mate still hasnt seen his boss about his decision to quit his job, he worked the week out and came to see me before he went home at lunch time. tried very hard not to let him see how upset i was when he left cos theres nothing i can do about it and i cant be selfish and try to get him to change his mind just cos i miss his company.
apparantly, its all do do with " living away " money they get that goes towards their food etc while they are working away from home. dont think his boss has any idea how expensive it is to eat out in a seaside town at the height of the summer. you get no consessions down here for being a "local "

[Helen]

feeling a bit sad tonight, been on a few threads that stirred up some feelings i thought had long gone.
thats the trouble with being on your own........... too much time to think !!
knowing theres a wedding and a big party going on tonight that i couldnt go to cos i have to work today and tomorrow isnt helping either. i had such fun up there last weekend so i know what im missing.............. and who......... im saying no more on that subject !!

[Helen]

funny how things change from day to day, not had time to think today, been so busy and i feel so much better than i did last night.
i have my post op check up on thursday, my voice is no better, i have a radio at work and i sing along to the songs, if i could stop myself doing that then i think the voice might improve but i cant
everything else seems to be improving slowly. i seem to have more energy now and there hasnt been one day when ive forgotton to take my medication !! which is a first for me.
the weather is still good. its brought the holiday makers out in force, thank heavens. the season has been a wash out so far and theres only six weeks of it left !!
in october they start the turkey and tinsell coach parties to the hotels.this goes on til february !!! we dont get that trade unless they fancy a change for their supper.
any way, my bed is calling me...............

[Helen]

back to rain and wind again today !! seems like our summer is over and done with already.
i have my post op check up tomorrow afternoon, im glad to say things are improving still.though my voice is still as bad as it was.
its been a long journey for me to get to this state, over ten years !!! of constant illness and fits of depression, apparantly caused by over production of calcium. something i wasnt told about til around three months ago.
violent migrains that had me bedridden for days at a time.
during this time ( apart from the migrains ) i have never had a day off work.
ive even worked double shifts to cover for kids half my age cos they've got a headache or drank too much the night before.
my energy levels are increasing and im looking for things to do now rather than sitting for hours in front of this screen or sleeping and that is starting to improve my outlook on life too.
when i had those two weekends away, i went shopping, sight seeing and went out at night with my friends, something that would have me running for cover just a few short weeks before.
so i guess im on the upward journey now, and about time too

[Helen]

1st of august !!
just about six weeks of our " busy " summer season left !!
ive got no tan this year cos ive spent most of my time either peeling spuds or stuck in front of this screen,
begining to wake up to the fact theres got to be more to life than this. i've wasted this summer as i have done the previous two.
ive missed my baby grandaughters first year. the other kids sports days, even the local carnival.
there are a couple of other areas of my life that need sorting out too and ive got to get a backbone and do something about it !! though one will probably end up breakin my heart.
got the all clear form the hospital yesterday
the dodgy voice is down to nerve damage but theres a good chance this will settle down........ got to stop singing at work
the surgeon was a bit worried about my eye condition so hes sending me to an eye specialist. one more appointment in october to check on my kidneys then thats it........ no more hospitals !!!
this all started in 1983, with a break in the middle when i had my first op so i think thats enough !!

[Helen]

not havin a good day today but i suppose you cant be on the up 24/7 can you ?
my friend has quit his job for definate today, he called me when he was on his way home, think im more dissapointed that he didnt come by to tell me rather than the fact he's gone home.
looks like my job AND my home will be no more..............
they did say it wont be for a while yet and to some degree it will help me get rehoused but the council here, if they have no permanent houses to give you, put you into temporary accomodation and under no circumstances are you allowed to keep animals.
its not my fault my partner died of a heart attack, ive lost and given up nearly everything in this last three years. they are not taking anything else from me........


so if you ever visit my town and see someone sleeping in a shop doorway with a springer spaniel, stop and have a chat it might be me

[Helen]

well im back after a much needed visit to the doctors for me computor. its working so much better now BUT the key board has had it so im working off a little plug in one now.
my health has improved so much too in this last few days, the voice has just about returned to normal, the cough has all but cleared up, ive lost about 5lbs aswell.
i havnt felt this well in years.
the weather has been awful here, nothing but rain and gales for days.
no hosepipe bans here this year !!

[Helen]

three dry days in a row !! but im sitting here watching it get blacker and blacker out there now !! been out and got what i need from the shops so the bad weather promised again for the weekend isnt going to bother me.
all i have to do now is teach the dog his highway code and he can walk himself
he trod on a rabbit yesterday that was hiding in the long grass, not sure who was the most shocked but he was more intent on catching and killing a golf ball that he'd found so the bunny got away none the worse for their encounter.

still having trouble getting on line, took me 45 mins this time so im loath to turn it off now

still feeling good, realized this morning that i havnt woken up either feeling or being sick since my operation. had it for the proper reasons when i was expecting my three girls then to carry on having it for many years wasnt pleasant !! all to do with the build up of calcium in my system over night

my thoughts are begining to turn towards some sort of break at the end of september. went to florida two years ago, last year i had freinds down for two weeks so i stayed with them in their caravan and we had days out. got a couple of things in mind at the moment, neither of which involve straying too far from home but it will be something different to do and certainly wont involve peeling potatos or fish and chips !!!

[Helen]

had a really weird dream last night, more of a nightmare i suppose.......... i was in a big building,along with some other people, that was flooding and collapsing round me.
my mum was there........( i lost her 7yrs ago on june the 18th.)
no matter how loud i shouted at her, no matter how hard i tried to drag her from the building, she refused to come with me. she just sat down in an armchair and said " go on girl, youve got to get out and do what you,ve got to do "

i was trying to analyse this while i was at work this morning and the only answer i could come up with was that she was trying to tell me to put the past behind me, let go of all the baggage ive got and get on with my life.
this is going to be hard to do as im coming up to my partners 3rd anniversary too. ok, its not til october but the memories are still just as strong.

when people say time is a great healer, its very true. i can think of them now without experiancing the rib crushing throat constricting pain that i once got.......
i get angry at my other half sometimes cos if he hadnt left me, i wouldnt be stuck here like i am.
BUT i have a roof over my head, albeit a very small one, so im warm and dry, food to eat, clothes to wear, a few material things that i have worked and paid for myself. my kids and grandchildren are all fit and healthy.
now all ive got to do is find some way of coping with the lonelyness that sometimes gets so over powering its suffocating !!

[Helen]

08-50am.
my day.......
so far i have walked my dog a couple of miles in the pouring rain. i have then had about a 3/4 mile trip to the local shop to buy milk so i could have a cup of tea,cos no one here could spare me a drop.
in 2.5hrs i will go to work , after i have changed out of my wet clothes and done a bit of tidying up,and peel at least six 55lb bags of potatos that ive had to carry in myself cos no one will do it for me !! plus serve in the shop and do all the cleaning i know that will have been left by the two boys who worked last night. by this time it will be nearing 2-30pm.
i then get a chance for a ciggie and a cuppa before i walk the dog again so i can be back at work at 4-30pm to be on my feet til at least 10-30pm tonight !!
i am not far off 59yrs old, i have osteophorosis, ive had two heart attacks and only two months ago had a magor operation.
so i go on a thread and make a blanket post to everyone there simply because i have no time and im too damn tired to address everyone individually.
this apparantly is not good enough !!
yes im still bloody angry so im staying away til ive cooled down.
to be honest im surprized at my reaction to this, perhaps its cos its nearing the end of our summer season and all of us in this sort of job are feeling like this now. because of the credit crunch i know my job AND home are now in jepardy,something else i have to be concerned about.
perhaps when ive been downstairs and thrown a few bags of spuds about, i will have returned to some sort of normality.