The Pursuit of Happiness

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Pieces

When I knew that I could never really be happy in my relationships again, I got out rather then live the lie for 'convenience'.. man would life have been easier... And although sometimes it can take awhile to resurface, the caring never really goes away...

I've been in relationships that have taught me quite a bit about myself and others. I think that there is personal information and then there is Personal Information... the second of these is shared with the understanding that it will go to the grave along with the person it is shared with, ya know? They are giving you a piece of themselves that they would normally guard from the world. There is comfort in having someone you know you can say anything to... it is the ultimate honor to be trusted with this information, IMO. I like to think I would die before sharing information that I consider private, for any reason...

I know that I have shared myself with a few people... very few to be honest..but I've opened myself up and exposed myself warts and all for one reason or another... then they are gone. Not my fault, not their fault...just gone. And with them goes another piece of me.

I hope that when I finally settle on that 'one who completes me' sorry but I love that expression , that they can appreciate all the parts of me that are actually made up from the left behind pieces of all the folks I loved and cared about throughout my life...

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Him

My phone rang at 1:30 in the morning and I jumped up to grab it...

He always asks if he woke me up... I always tell him 'no, I had to get up for the phone anyways...'

He's traveling in a different time zone and although we had talked earlier, it apparently occurred to him that he had forgotten to wish me 'sweet dreams'... believe it or not I'd had the same thought at the end of that earlier conversation ...

He wants me to find a really cool guy that is worthy of my love and attention. I think I have. Because there are different kinds of love and caring throughout our lifetime... he and I share the best of loves. It's that love that says 'hey, you are more important then I am'.

I'm quite used to loving people in that manner in my life.... I've just never felt it turned back on me as nicely as he does, everyday that I know him.

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Money

I'm always very careful of everyone else's pride, especially when it comes to money. My attitude has always been that if you need it and I have it...duh!

Kinda tight times here in the last year or so, but I still made sure that if someone else's need was greater then mine or even just more immediate.. they never caught a clue that I might be making choices in my own world to accommodate theirs.

As I am coming up on straightening my own self out financially, it occurs to me that I have never asked anyone for help... no matter how bad it got. And yet I have a friend who managed to need my help with her computer and insist on paying me for it, every time the vultures appeared to be closing in.. One time she found me sitting in my office with the door closed and I suppose I must have had desperation written in my eyes, because next thing I knew she was back with a few hundred in a bank envelope and an admonition that she'd better not ever find out I paid it back unless and until my world had righted itself.. she's from the south so you can just about imagine the thickness of that one word..... I started paying her back a couple of weeks ago..


I'm looking for love these days... but I don't plan to really let myself go for it until I am all straight.. the man I plan to chase will have no doubt in his mind..EVER.. what I want him for.

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I'm going somewhere tomorrow and hope I don't run into people I know.... get your head out of the gutter... - it's a perfectly respectable place and a perfectly respectable trip, but I hope everyone i know is so busy with each other that I don't intrude into their thoughts, much less their day..

I plan to sneak into town at the crack of dawn or mid morning depending on when I wake up.. I'll do my chores, do some shopping and hopefully be on my way well before the cubs 7th inning stretch..

Why am I bothering to write about something I hope doesn't happen?

I promised a friend I don't talk with much anymore that I would let her know if I was ever in the area... I keep my promises... hopefully you'll see this after I am gone again...
sweet dreams ...and if there is wild monkey daytime sex tomorrow, I want credit and details please!!!

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Someone else's skin..

I dropped by a friends small business yesterday... they were having a network issue.. the owners were out of town and would I mind swinging by... not for a moment, would I mind.

When I got there I was greeted in the drive by one of the workers I've been wanting to meet for a while now... I've heard some great stories about him and know that this is a man my friends trust when they are away. Before we had gotten to the doorway of the offices with trouble, however... we were joined by a young man who came galloping up to us... I've heard stories about him too... not so good.. not someone I thought I would want to meet... I was wrong, go figure...

I asked his name and he confirmed my worst fears... the demon child. But, me being me -I looked him in the eyes and asked what he had broken... then I started laughing as he hurried to assure me HE hadn't done anything, someone else had... I told him he'd better come in with us so that he could show me what was what and where was where- as I was sure he knew a lot more then I did..

I treated him as if I had no preconceived notions about him. I treated him as if he were one of my kids... I assumed he was smart... I assumed he could and would be willing to help me... I made sure he knew that I had NO DOUBT, he could be helpful to me... and then I started by asking him questions I already had the answers to..

It was awesome that he hit on something that solved the problem... might not have been the technical 'knowhow' but he was logical and confident in throwing out suggestions... he knew I was listening to his thoughts and suggestions.

When we went to test the connection to another building, I asked him how old he was.. as if I did not know... he told me and then volunteered that folks the day before wouldn't let him even look at it.. I assured him that it most likely wasn't him and that I face the same problem all the time... young kids and females can't really know anything much about anything...

I got his stepfather on the phone while he was there and made a point to tell him that he owed the kid a steak of his choice, I couldn't have done it without him.

Fact of the matter is, I have no doubt I would have done it just fine without him...but every-time I think back on my son and how his life turned out because someone refused to look at him as he was, but rather looked at him as he could be... I'm forced to drop my prejudice and look for the future in others..

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On being Loved..

Someone loves me. I know it in the deepest parts of me. I feel it at every moment in the day and quite often, in the middle of the night. I am alone, yet I'm not. And it's so strange... this feeling...

I've had people profess to love me before... this is different. This is good for me. It asks nothing, expects nothing.. it just surrounds me. This love doesn't need for me to love it back, it justs wants to love me... now, how could I NOT love that back?

I've never known a man who had more interest in knowing the essence of Diane's soul then in knowing the physical Diane.. me? I have a burning need to touch him... explore him..pleasure him..and to meld my body with his as surely as we've melded our minds and hearts..

If I never get to physically have him, it's okay... anything more with him then what we have at this moment -will be gravy..

Now don't get me wrong here... we all know me and my views on physical pleasure...heheheh But as much as I love the notion of having him fill me and lose controll... I fantasize most about hugging him, sitting in his lap with my head on his shoulder... listening to his latest woes or ideas...or being able to fall asleep with his arm across my belly and cupping me back into his side..

Boy, how frickin' warped is that?

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Lonely

I've decided that 99 is the loneliest number, not 1. I saw 99 four times over the past weekend... each time, I pondered it..but I swear to god that on that fourth viewing, I could no longer control my tears .. and I allowed myself to feel the deepest sense of loneliness, the greatest sense of loss that I had not previously allowed myself. I grieved the passing of something that I hadn't really allowed myself to admit I cared that I had lost...

couldn't, wouldn't want to look back to it... but i can now respect what it was for me in my life and not just what it may have been in someone else's..

Our emotions make us pathetic creatures sometimes... then they'll turn right around and make us unbearably strong...

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Pleasant Surprises

I got to talk to someone today that I haven't talked to for ages.. the cool thing was it was unexpected and it really ended up making my day. We got to talk about folks we had in common... ain't it cool when you can approve someones choices even though they never asked for your approval...

I really like the person he's chosen to be the love of his life.. and I really love the guy that she chose.. I'm betting that before we are all old and gray(okay, in my case- older and grayer..)she will have turned out to be one of my best friends.

But I was actually feeling kinda down about my world when someone at the other end of a business call couldn't answer my question and handed the phone off to someone else... there he was, unexpectedly -just poof. We have the ability to cut through the bullshit with each other, even after all this time has passed. He's probably the only guy that I actually enjoy hearing love in his voice while he's talking about another woman.. he's probably about the only person on earth that i could lament my own lousy personal choices and just hearing him laughing his goofy laugh at me.. damned if it didn't perk me up...

It made my day better, knowing that he is doing better in his world... And ...I wish him love and joy and of course a sex life that embarrasses all the kids and grandkids beyond belief!!!

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Heheheh... I'm a Bad Bad Girl...

So, I got these vacation pictures that a friend wanted me to see of a trip into the mountains earlier this week... They just transfered all the pics into a folder so I could see how awesome it is...

Well, well, well..... in addition to the mountain pics there were some pics of him that she apparently snapped while he was in the pool... i was assured that he was unexposed and... boy was that the wrong call..

I'm sure that when looking in the viewfinder of a camera there was not much to notice... howsomever... when you open that 1.5meg file in photoshop ... that not so little critter is even less little..

We're talkin' I could reach out and touch him...heheheheh..we're talking below the crystal clear water line and i have never seen anything prettier..

I think you can guess how I handled things... I always try and be as sensitive of others feelings as i possibly can...

so of course I blew it up and cropped out the boring background and slapped a text box next to his gizmo that simply says... 'hey baby'....

God I'm lovin' today!

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Things to Do Before Meeting My New Friend for the First Time In Person...

1. Lose 20 lbs... It's not like the 'meeting a guy' thing(lose 30 lbs), but seriously now folks.. she's younger, she's got beautiful hair, great smile(do i remember how to do that).. and no it's not THAT kind of lunch but I'd still prefer it if the waitress doesn't ask her where she thinks her mother would like to sit...

2. Wash my Aramis Ramirez #16 cub tshirt that I've been sleeping in this season..
Yes, I admit it... I'm dressing up to make a good first impression and not embarrass the lady in public like I usually do my kids... Wearing my cub hat was an option but since I always remove hats indoors.. don't want to have helmet hair, now do i?

3. Create a list of things it's okay to talk about and a list things we should avoid discussing at this first meeting...
Knowing us, we'll probably toss the 'okay' list and sit there laughing over each item on the 'avoid' list until neighboring tables are looking to see what's wrong with us...

4. Practice Listening... as unlikely as it seems, it can't and shouldn't always be about me.. I'm no longer supposed to be the most interesting person I know.. and sometimes other folks really really need to say something without me telling them what I think they really mean... they just need to say it.. so I will need to be able to just listen...

5. Take the Camera... Get some cool or embarrassing pictures of Shelbell that I can come back and share on here... Not really... i figure that if we make an agreement that ONLY flattering photos are allowed to be posted - I don't have to worry about anyone seeing me anyways...

6. Convince myself to not be so nervous.. I never like meeting people.. never know what to say..I can feel the sweat starting to form along my spine already...geez what was i thinking of.. I can't go through with this crazy idea!!








just kidding...

New 6. Relax. She's a nice lady...even if we don't become the best of real life friends like we think we can.. we'll both have moved outside our comfort zones and at least have made the attempt..