The Pursuit of Happiness

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Nothing makes you feel older and uglier then driving away from spending an afternoon with youth and beauty..

You'd think I would be taking the opportunity to list the cool things about shelbell..
She has one of the coolest most genuine smiles i've ever seen... it really does flow from her eyes...how do people do that? I squint..

She is so proud of her baby girl... she should be.. beautiful, brainy and apparently possessing the level head that would be the envy of most of the adults around her..

We went shopping... at a bookstore.. i loaded up on mysteries, A+certification and vista books.. ah heaven! her... a book for her daughter and cards for her hubby... what is up with her anyways??

We ate steak... hey we were entitled..

We talked about life and love and the struggles to survive and thrive.. and we talked about the truly remarkable men that we chose to love throughout our lives.. fathers, lovers, husbands... and we pretty much reached the conclusion that they are more then worth the aggravation they cause... at least the ones we've chosen..

I should be talking about how wonderful it was... instead I feel kinda sad..
I looked forward to today all week...

what am I supposed to do tomorrow??

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He misses me...which is good 'cause I miss him too

He's across the country at the moment, but in fact he's no further away then when he's not across the country.. he's still right there in my ear and in my heart, every day.. and yet I miss him unbearably sometimes..

How exactly do two somewhat rational adults turn into a couple of mushy school-kids when we talk on the phone..? When I get bossy or start a sentence with 'honey' , he says 'yes dear' in a way that has me giggling every time... after that, my point is lost for loving him... i think he knows he has me wrapped around his voice

I got a tour of his place yesterday.. got to see how he makes things work.. how he turns ideas into action... wow, the guy is scary smart..which for me translates to sexy smart... he's damned lucky he wasn't around after my tour or it could have gotten embarrassing quick..

I suppose I'll have to start looking around myself for a love that I can reach out and touch and interact with on a daily basis.. but it's so damned hard when I can feel him inside my heart, taste him in my mind and he just feels so much like the other half of me..

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Men are Funny Creatures

I have a friend that has had the most god awful year and then some... marriage falling apart, he lost his job, had back surgery that didn't help his back problem that we can notice, has to get help from friends to keep the insurance paid and other creditors off his doorstep on a month to month basis..medication issues he has to fight continually...

Now, here's the funny part... it's starting to get to him.. He's starting to feel like a failure..maybe everyone would be better off ..

What an absolute idiot! He's survived better then anyone else I know could have... for more then a year now! His marriage is stronger on a daily basis then it was when everything started falling apart.. that tells me he stayed checked in when most guys would have been running for the hills! The idea that she loves him today and it is a strong and nurturing love... major points for both of them!

I refuse to believe that this man feels like a failure... there's just too much to him.. I think he's just tired for a moment..

I think that when he is wide awake again, he'll notice that he has a friend that is just waiting for him to step up and help expand a business.. he's needed

I think once he's rested... that wife is in for some serious monkey sex..he's needed ... okay, just snuggling is great late at night too sometimes..

I think that once he's cleared his head, he'll see how happy his kids are that he's around and checked in with them.. he's needed.

I think that the grand babies I caught a shot of him snuggling.. know him for what he is.........He's the superhero in this family and to all the friends that stand in support of him and his family...

Failure? Please! Don't make me laugh!

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I'm going to bed...

Tired of taking care of folks...

Gonna get some sleep..maybe read a book..forget they exist... perhaps forget I exist...

Wow...

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if i never got to talk to you again what do you suppose I would need to leave you with?

Do you know how much I really needed you to come into my life at the time you did? Do you even know the loneliness you chased away every night? What began as an attempt to make you feel comfortable and welcomed into my nights quickly became my need to hear your voice and feel your warmth. You have made each and every day i've known you, wonderful... If i live to be 100, this year will have been the year i learned to smile in my heart. You gave me that. and I will love you forever, just for that.

Do you know how awesome i REALLY think you are? Somehow, I think you don't believe me... but it's true . YOU are the smartest person I know. YOU with a buzz on scared me with your intelligence.. sober - I bet you'd intimidate the hell out of me..lol. But you'll never understand how much joy I got just listening to you think out loud in my ear at night. Sharing your wild and not so wild ideas and theories about stuff........lol

Do you know how badly I wanted to love you? Not have sex with you, love you. There is a difference .. I've wanted to love you for the longest time. I've wanted to kiss you for the longest time. I wanted to hold you forever... simply hold you, .. that shouldn't have been too much, eh? I've wanted to be able to just reach out and put my hand on the back of your neck again... can you remember me petting you .. i close my eyes and I can see you sitting there - embarrassed by my touch, while i was stealing every precious second of contact with you that I could... and i've missed it every moment since.

Do you know how sexy you are? Of course you don't... that's one of the sexiest things about you, you are totally clueless. You really think that ladies make it a point of bending over and giving you ass shots and boobie shots, because all girls just act that way... LOL watch those same ladies around guys who are NOT you.. not so much bending babe...lol. I've been on your property twice..I've walked the path I mapped out to chase your ass around your yard...did you know that? lol i really did.

Do you know how much I want you to be happy? Promise me you will fight for it sweetie. Don't settle, fight to get the best life and the best love that's out there. I promise it's out there and OMG you deserve it. You really do.

Do you know how much I love you? Can you feel it all the time? Don't ever forget it ...

Or me...

That's what I would leave you with....

love
me

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Faith

I have a friend, she has this unbelievable faith. She shouldn't have had it. God knows that life crapped on her and hers repeatedly over the last couple of years. I think a lesser woman would have buckled.

She's not religious, never has been so far as I am aware. Her belief is in the man she loves. It is unwavering. It is steadfast. It is the essence of her being. All you can do is believe with her, because there is no other option.

She is quite possibly the only person I know who is more socially inept then I am. Her saving grace is her man. He makes her gentle. He makes her loving. He believes in her, so she believes...

And what she believes in, is him.

I think perhaps that the hardest times in their life may be coming up on them in the very near future.. when the fight is finally won and life now is supposed to pick up and just be wonderful again...

Of course it won't happen like that.. there will be issues to be dealt with... hard realities and regaining control of your life are adjustments themselves.

But I have faith in her.. and him. So long as they can hold on to that belief in each other, I'm sure they will come out on top of this final hurdle...

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The new guy in my life...

He makes me feel shy, where I am usually confident in myself...

He worries me, this guy... he may not like me as much as I had hoped he would..

He may really see me and not like what it is he sees.

He may really see himself and know that he deserves much better then he has settled for so far...

I can take all this, if it means that this new guy is happier, healthier, stronger.. I really can..

I love him enough to be his friend.

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One of Those Moments

So, I'm out in my backyard this afternoon, laying on a blanket in my two piece and reading a book I'd bought... listening to my IPOD... sunday afternoon, all's right with the world....no one to annoy me..

Yeah right!
My yard is NOT fenced. I'd gone out earlier and cut the grass, raked, bagged, dedogpooped... done all the things that should have earned me a peaceful hour or so in my own backyard for gods sake!

Have I mentioned I'm a tad large? That may be a bit of an understatement... I wear a string two piece to prove to folks i really have one on- least the fact that clothing likes to hide in unmapped folds confuses folks that i may be running around naked...

So, there is NO ONE around and I'm laying there enjoying myself... singing along... doing that hip dance ontop of the blanket thing... my phone rings... it's shelbell... we start talking and go on and on when out of nowhere....

this little hand reaches over my shoulder and sets a piece of cake down in front of me and tells me her gramma made it and wanted me to have a slice...

I turn my head to yell a 'thank you' to gramma... the yard next to me has to have 25 people in it... That's right... 20 ft from my fat ass is an outdoor barbeque with everyone in their sunday best....

I can only hope that Shelbell at least wet herself laughing so hard on the other end of that phone...

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Sick and Tired

It's the strangest thing... I've had a bad head cold all week, barely been able to talk and I find I've been just as unable to write..

I get up, go to work, head home... no talking because there is not much voice to be talking with, really... I have friends call and some of them have talked for over half an hour with barely any response from me.. I don't think they even noticed..

My daughter and I haven't been hugging all week either... yuk! I know I've been fevered, so i told her we'd just wave at each other for a few days. I had no idea how often she and I hug! really missing it. and it's not like it helped, i got called to come get her from school today.. yep, low grade fever.. the cycle begins...

I wish this would go away... I have places to go and things to do! Plus I just hate being around sick people...all they do is whine

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Bittersweet
..........
adj.
1. Bitter and sweet at the same time: bittersweet chocolate.
2. Producing or expressing a mixture of pain and pleasure: a movie with a bittersweet ending.
.............
www.thefreedictionary.com
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I have this friend, I think he's bottomed out and is starting on the road to the great and wonderful life that I've been dreaming for him. What makes me think he is doing so much better??? I haven't heard from him, that's what..

When things are going good in his world, I don't hear from him. It's probably best, to be completely honest... I like that he is focused on his family and the love of his life. It's the strangest thing, but the notion of them snuggled in bed together, watching sports or just touching each other.. that gives me the most awesome wholesome pleasure -I can't begin to describe it. The notion that they have each other and are loving each other.. wow

But then there is that selfish part of me... the part that liked that I was able to be his ear in the dark, that I made sure I was there for him, that he knew I would stop whatever I was doing- day or night.... just to listen to whatever he needed to say at that moment...he doesn't need that now...

I disappoint myself sometimes... like now. I find myself hoping I don't hear from him for a long long time.. yet I miss him. I suppose I'll just have to hope I get to miss him for about 25 more years...maybe sometimes it's good to NOT be needed...