The Pursuit of Happiness

[flopstock]

I know this woman... she's antisocial in the most pathetic sense of the word... being around strangers really gives her the willies..

She had to take her daughter to a 'getting to know each other' picnic yesterday for some 'kid' thing that the daughter had joined... the daughter insisted that they get there early, she was so excited! The mom wanted to show up late enough that she could count this as having attended, yet not so late as to miss the parent meeting being held for a few minutes at its conclusion...

Naturally the daughter won... they got there and within minutes the daughter was socializing, being outgoing and friendly... chatting with adults around her as if it took no effort at all. Little friends showed up and off she went to party

Mom went back to her car and sat there, alone -until a couple of minutes before the meeting was to begin..

It's really sad, when I think about not feeling I have anything to offer to others around me....

The important thing is to keep those feelings hidden from her -so that she has the opportunity to grow up as the fun like-able person she is today. I just need to 'fake it' until she can't be affected by my brokeness..

[flopstock]

Need

That's what it comes down to... why I am alone. I'm not the type of woman that a man has ever looked at and had the thought 'she needs me'... I'm just not.

I'm one of those women that men need, until they don't anymore. I'm great for propping a guy up, making them see what I see in them... making them demand the best for themselves because I want the best for them. But that's never me. Guys end up with women that seem to need them. It's the natural order of things.

What I need to find is that guy that sees I am strong and smart and sarcastic and funny.... but that hidden underneath all that is the biggest secret in the the world.... I need him.

[flopstock]

And there you have it....

I asked him to send me a picture as incentive for me to keep going to the Y and working out... I lied..

I want something to remember him by... I have a picture from right before I first met him... but he's so different now. Which is really strange, because I fell in love with that guy in that picture. Not the picture... but that guy. Thank god for his eyes.

Did I mention he quit drinking? I'm so proud of him, just for the trying. I have to say that here because I'm not allowed to say it to him.... I have no doubt in my mind that if it doesn't stick this time, it will soon... but almost a month and a half already... wow! I got him a two month supply of mega mens heart vitamins recently and he promises me he takes them.

He's so damned smart... did I ever mention how sexy I find smart? I could listen to him talk for days and never get tired of it.

I discovered his real weakness recently. He can't hurt folks he cares about. He can't say NO if it might crush a friend. He cares too much....
Which naturally got me to thinking... he has probably come to realize how awesome he is doing and how great everything is going on a day to day basis in his world. He doesn't need me anymore. He never really did. But he wouldn't dream of hurting my feelings. So he'll continue to call me. Because he knows I need him. That's what he does afterall... he takes care of people.

So I've got to step away for him... get out of his way..he's just the most awesome person I could have imagined and I wish him the best and of course wild monkey sex that will embarrass his kids and the grandkids...

Some day I'll get a handle on this... right now, I'm just disgusted with myself.. go figure..

[flopstock]

If hearts could talk...

If hearts could talk rather then simply break for you, it could have told you what I saw this week

It saw a young girl, desperate to do something, anything to help mom...her eyes followed your every move.. ready to step in and shoulder a burden..

It saw family and friends who knew a young mans weaknesses and loved him deeply.. It saw family and friends who saw a young mans love and devotion to his family and they admired him greatly.. It saw family and friends who were all left, too soon.

It saw an entire room of men turn to-wards the door in despair at a child's anguished cry that 'I want my dad' even as she helped bring her dad to his final rest.

It saw beauty and strength in your grief, yet that heart breaks because it knows the weak moments must come. It wants you to know it's okay to show this heart the weakest moments..

It saw a man of integrity. It saw a man of human frailty, who in the most trying of life's moments, managed to stay focused on his soul..

It saw that you are his soul...and that can never leave you..

Atta girl, shell... you done him proud..

[flopstock]

Drove down for the grandsons 3rd birthday today.. he asked for an electric guitar like his dads and they found him a miniature one... he strapped it on and started singing hey jude...we all laughed ourselves silly..


The daughter and son-in-law announced that she is pregnant again.. number 3 for them...

I went out on the deck and cried ...

As an adult, I fully understand that life goes on...

but sometimes you just wish it would give you a moment to catch your breath..

[flopstock]

On Medical Power of Attorney

My son called me the other evening to let me know I have it on him... they make them do wills and cover everything before they ship them out, don't you know?

He chose me because he did not want his wife to have to deal with making a tough decision. He knows his dad could not handle it at all. So he leaves it to mom...with assurances that he is just letting me know on the minuscule chance..nothing to worry about.

He has no interest in living life hooked to a tube, having his chin wiped and getting a diaper changed........already been there, he's not interested in going back.

Do you think a child can really ever grasp the concept that this is when his mother first came to love him? While he was hooked to her tube? When he came to her and their first couple of years were consumed with wiping chins and tears and butts and crevices?

All the mistakes you made with him... that first child. And yet he still trusts you to make that awful decision. Trusts that you can put your child's desires above your own, just one more time.

He says he knows I'm the best one to handle this for him because I am able to divorce myself from my emotions when I need to... I can evaluate the situation and make the call that is in his best interest, not mine.

I'll do it..... because that is what mothers do. They don't disappoint when their baby needs them, for any of the big life items. It's part of the job description they hand you.

But know here -that should that call ever need to be made, the emotions I shield when life demands I keep control in a situation will likely cause me to explode.

[flopstock]

Because He Believes

He believes in what we can and should be as a nation. He believes in the potential greatness of his daughters future. He believes it is his duty to safeguard that future for her. For all of us.

He served in research and technology. He's scary smart, that kid. He was safe.

Yet he believes he needs to take his turn, so that perhaps another won't have to go back. He talked them into it. Then he called his mother and asked her to understand why he needed to go. He asked her to believe he would be safe. He asked her to believe it was right.

Because he believes...

[flopstock]

On hearing from your baby that he is safe

".................. Here I read about it and went to load coffins............."




don't have a damned thing to add to that statement of his...

[flopstock]

On The Warm Fuzzies of Life.......

Last Friday I drove down to be at the hospital while my daughter delivered her latest. I've never wanted to know gender or names - I love being surprised, don't ya know...

I sit out in the waiting room waiting for word and I worry that for all I've made it a point to tell my kids how proud I am of everything they do in life and how much I love them.... does she really understand I mean it? Does she know it is not something I say because I feel I have too... that if I could have had any daughter - it would have been her I picked from the crowd?

Finally her husband comes out with the baby and they pull up next to me so that I can get that first picture. Baby is great... he starts moving on and I ask about my baby... she's doing awesome.. "oh wait! what's the baby's name?"

Lucinda Diane

I could be wrong, but I think there is a compliment in that name. I think I'll choose to read it that my baby is almost as glad to have me for her mother as I am to have her as my daughter...