The Pursuit of Happiness

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One Step Forward...

I met someone recently who managed to make me feel great about myself again. I actually commented to them that I experienced real laughter for the first time in quite a while as opposed to that survival laughter I use to get through most of my life..

Imagine my surprise that this 'someone' was female rather then male... Imagine my surprise that she managed to make me feel good about myself... after-all, I'd met her in an attempt to make her feel better about herself... gain confidence in herself.. believe in herself and those around her that are everything to her.. in other words - I wanted to fix things for her because that is what I do..

I don't do female friends... okay, I have one at work that hears all the details of my latest virtual lust for the greatest guy in the world I'll never have..... but this lady who shared a little of her fears and insecurities actually cared that I..ME.. diane... has fears and insecurities and wants and needs. And she never abused that knowledge during our short acquaintance. We ended up spending our time encouraging each other to trust in ourselves and the folks we choose to love in our lives.

We both walked away from this brief moment in our lives, just amazed beyond belief that we found common ground and compassion for each other and a real sense of friendship where friendship shouldn't have happened..

She is the strongest lady I've ever known.. even at her weakest moment. And she's left me with the strength to risk a step to-wards other unexpected possibilities in my life and world.

I wish her love and joy and of course a sex life that embarrasses all the kids and grandkids beyond belief!!!

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Hurting

I been told I don't want to be hurt. I've been told I avoid situations where I can get hurt.

I think part of my problem is that I hurt so bad for other folks sometimes, that I just know it would destroy me -were it my own pain.. I cry more for other folks then I do for myself. I focus on making things better for them. Because that means I can ignore myself.

I had a friend complain to me just last week that everything is apparently great in my world because I refuse to complain and instead turn every conversation back to his headaches and heartaches.. he was really frustrated with me, I could hear it in his voice..

I tried to explain to him that I don't complain because -if there was a solution, I would already have acted on whatever was causing me pain or anger.. since there isn't, I'd prefer to focus my energy on helping him.

After I had finished talking to him , however... I thought about what he had said. I thought that what he had really been trying to say to me was that he just wanted to be there for me too. He wanted me to be comfortable enough to let it rip... well, sorry, that's not me. Folks really don't want to hear it ya know?

Loneliness, heartache and pain are not things folks really want to hear about from someone who spends their time trying to make them smile or laugh. They think they do... but what they really want is that 'feel good' because they offered their shoulder in return for a change.

I have never put myself out there without ending up being rejected or found lacking... so I don't. Instead I feel other folks pain. So much simpler, don't you agree?

As I lay out on my deck yesterday listening to music and crying... because it's allowed to cry to the right music, ya know... I thought I'd have a go at writing down what was bugging me about myself these days..

But another friend beat me to it and when i came in to sit down and spew this crap... instead I found a message from her, chewing me out in the nicest way possible...

That I need to take a risk, put myself out there and simply trust that I am strong enough to survive my own pain...

It's strange to realize that you are never quite as mysterious as you'd like to think you are.... real friends 'get' you..

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Anger

Anger, I don't do so well.. it really disappoints me when I do feel it... don't know why... perhaps because it means that I've let someone or something get the best of my emotions for that moment..

I have a friend that I think is being played by someone that they trust... I'm torn between warning the ******* off or just letting go with my vengeance if he succeeds in his manipulations. The sportsman in me feels that it's only fair to warn him that I know what he is up to... that I will make it my life's mission to destroy his happiness if he is so careless with others.. the feminine part of me just figures I'll let it be a surprise..

I seldom feel anger... that's one of the perks of not really feeling much of anything. I can put up with folks crap all day long... but don't mess with someone I love or care about..

I do like this venting area though... say whatever I want... it's my way or the highway...

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Romance

Women like to think we have it all over guys in the romance department... fact of the matter is they are light years ahead of us.

I have a friend, every time I answer the phone.. he asks 'What are you doing?' Not romantic enough for you? Tough... who else cares what I am doing at least once a day?

I complained once that I missed getting my back scratched now that I was alone... few days later a tube arrives at work addressed to me... inside.. 2 back scratchers.. one for home and one for work..

I have another friend who took his wife to a cubs game for her birthday... you'd have to appreciate how much he loves his cubs to appreciate how romantic it really was that he tied them and the wife into a package.. the ultimate gift of something he loves for someone he loves.. Ridiculously romantic, IMO.

Romance is not to be found in flowers and dinners and candies and flattery. It's found in those day to day things they do that remind us that they thought of us unexpectedly too..

We women just need to keep our eyes open so that we don't miss it when it is headed our way..

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Joy

The alarm goes off, I roll over... see my phone... remember his call simply telling me goodnight...

and I feel joy...

what a way to start the new day, ya know?

Joy isn't about immediate gratification... it's about taking the time to know and love your friends.. and oh, falling asleep imaging you are resting your head on his shoulder...

Joy...

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Old -My Ass!

That about sums it up for me today.
I spent a couple of hours this morning climbing up and down ladders and reaching into ceilings then moving the ladder 10 feet and repeating the process. I considered, when I hit the brick wall between the two old buildings and had to cram my fat ass up into the crawl space and pull myself along the rafters, that perhaps the time had come for a career change... drive through check out girl at arbys was feeling real attractive...

But to be honest, until after the fact and reflecting on the number of folks that had offered to take over the job for me... it didn't occur to me that they may have been worried about the old IT lady dropping dead up there where no one could reach her...

There is more stuff I don't know, then stuff I know.... But for sure I know that once I start thinking I can't do something I've done before - I'm old.

I plan to die young.... no matter how old I may be..

But perhaps we should revisit this when I try to get out of bed in the morning...

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The Journey

All of my fellow Cub fans are soooooo excited about the team this year... it really has been joyful from day one... and yet..Everyone seems to think that- if god forbid - they don't make it this time.... it will be so much more upsetting and sad then it has been in the past.

Personally, I won't have any problem just celebrating the joy and excitement that they brought me pretty much every day this year... what else in your world has done that for you in the last 5 months, eh? It's brought friends closer, made you new friends of fellow fans and even those you could develop a friendly rivalry with... everyone is talking to everyone these days..we all have found common ground..

I absolutely expect them to go all the way this year. I sit and cheer through the end of every game rather then switch the channel if they are down in the late innings.. if they lose I start planning my schedule for the next game when we can 'get it back'

But if by some outrageous misfortune, they don't make it all the way... the journey this year has just felt so special.. and there is always next year

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Unexpected Treasures

I have a friend whose elderly mother has been writing stories for over a decade now... since he set her up with a computer when she was well over the youthful 50+ of some of us..

I know this because she's been having problems with her email(her link to her homeland of Turkey). In the course of our conversation on this issue, he happened to mention her story writing and that he thinks it would be great to have some published and given to her so that she sees the fruits of her labor and can enjoy her children's pride in her work - while she is still around to experience their pride in her.

To cut this long story shorter - I begged a few samples and OMG! I love it!
Her grammar and English are the grammar and English of an immigrant, fine. When I found myself rereading something to make sense of it, I had these thoughts... I can' t even manage an 'I'm honored' in Turkish if I ever meet the woman and more importantly... SHE WROTE IT IN ENGLISH -her adopted language!

I randomly pick a few stories every night before i go to bed... she appears to have three subjects of her writings(no I'm not telling you what they are..not my place)... but you can bet I've begun the process of finding someone reputable to edit her work for her -so that kids, family and friends can appreciate her work. I can reread the same story I read a few days earlier and still feel like she's talking to me and telling it to me directly...

I love it when kids love their moms... even moms they butt heads with Moms expect their kids to love them... it's supposed to come with the territory, ya know? But the joy a mother must experience to know that no only do her kids love her - they are proud of her and her accomplishments...

Wow... treasures all around..

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He Knows Me, go figure...

I have a friend I talk to on the phone all the time... met him one time in real life... other then that.. it's an ear to ear friendship..

I got in a snit with him yesterday because he dared to call me a drama queen... I'm not a drama queen... i am the least drama queenish person I know .... so of course I said 'fine' and hung up on him....

He called me back later after he figured I'd had time to 'calm down' and when I still sounded snippish... he acted confused that I was pissed... then he acted alarmed that I was pissed... then I told him he was full of ****, he knew damned well why I was pissed.... then we moved on to other subjects and talked for a couple of hours...

He 'gets' me better then anyone I've known in real life, I think. He seems to think our non-physical friendship has created a bond we would never have accomplished had physical intimacy infringed on its growth... I prefer to call it the 'ass chase' factor. If I were close enough to chase his sorry ass around the yard to win a point... we wouldn't talk as much. I'd win all discussions at the same time that he won...

But I would not know him nearly as well as I do now.. and I've come to realize what a loss that could have been....

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Annoying things about me...

I don't believe in sorting laundry... it goes into the basket from the floor where i pulled it off two days ago and dropped it...from the basket i pour it like a box of rice into the washer until it gets up to the fill line...soap is measured as if i am baking... hold the cap over the open washer and pour to overflow and dump.. always cold/cold... once in a blue moon fabric softener... bleach- not since i was a teenager and ruined the jeans i was trying to fade..

I don't do shopping lists... swear to god i have spent $200 at the grocery store and not known what we could throw together to eat the next day... I've now got all those new cleaning doodads that i can never find when i get up the energy to clean someday in the distant future, but milk or bread or butter.. nope - not unless there is a blizzard forcast..

I don't clean for no apparent reason.... planning a 'do'... okay fine...otherwise i just can't be bothered. Dishes are washed, clothes are washed, i keep the vacuum plugged in in the living room for whenever the mood may overtake me.. and i have garbage bags around the house so that we don't have to walk all the way into the kitchen to throw something out. My basic philosophy is that if there is a path, there is no need...

I have a closet in my bedroom overflowing with clothes i don't wear... everything i wear is laying on the left-hand side of my bed which has been unoccupied for way way too long... i keep hoping to have the opportunity to just sweep them all to the floor in a burst of unbridled passion.... although I'm thinking perhaps I've been reading too many romances lately..

I don't know how to dress... my daughter had to check my shirt this morning to be sure i wasn't driving her to church in one of my work tshirts... every color(except white), collared and not...plus she wouldn't let me wear my tennis shoes...she really was wishing I'd done something to my hair besides getting my fingers wet and running them through to cover the 'bed head'...

Cooking... I love it... I hate it... I don't do recipes... I can make something so wonderful that the kids would talk about it for years but for the fact that the next time i made it, it was so god awful that it became what they talked about for years... But i love to do it and a friend and i have talked often about trying out dishes and just having fun with it..