Totally Transparent Nok

[nok]

This morning, I had an early start because of my morning class so I had time for a McDonald's breakfast ( I try to have a McDonald's breakfast every chance I get because it's not really that often that I wake up early enough to have one.) I put lots of strawberry jam, ketchup, salt and pepper on the scrambled egg, the hash brown and the hamburger otherwise, they just seem tasteless.

I got a New Year's present today from three of my private students. That was very sweet of them to give me a present. I really wasn't expecting presents from anyone this year so that was a real surprise to get one today. The best surprises really are the ones that we don't expect. I haven't opened it yet so I don't know what they got me, not that it matters because it really is the thought that counts. Maybe I'll open it later on tonight. I don't get gifts from students often: not that I expect them to give me anything in the first place. However, when I do get gifts from them, it's usually food, snacks, picture frames, but mostly food : cookies, chocolate,sushi rolls, fruit, etc.

To anyone reading my post right now, I would like to personally wish you a very Happy New Year. May the coming year be a good one for you. May your hopes and dreams come true. May life be kind to you.

[nok]

It's Sunday, the 28th and only a couple more days until the New Year's. It is still fresh in my mind the events that happened to me this month last year. This month last year I had a lot of free time. It sounds good but actually it wasn't. I was bored silly. I watched movies, went window shopping, surfed the net, ate different kinds of food in various food places, etc. but when you do that after about a week, it gets kind of boring ( for me, anyway). I was bored and felt unhappy last year but this year is different. I had lots of teaching work to do this month this year. I'm so used to working all of the time( I've been doing this for years now !) that I feel bored and unhappy if I'm not always teaching. I still have to teach tomorrow and Tuesday and then we have a three day New Year's holiday ( on the 31st, 1st and 2nd ). I go back to my teaching work on the 3rd of January. Last year, I had a three week New Year's holiday. I was soooo bored.

Yesterday, I watched a youtube video about the afterlife. It's about 86 minutes and comes in 9 parts ( 10 minutes each). It was really good and I had a good time watching it. Ever since my friend Larry passed over, I 've been reading lots of books about death, the afterlife, whjat happens to us when we die, etc. All of a sudden, I take great interest in this subject. I guess I just want to know that Larry really is okay in the spirit world. I pray for him a lot. I didn't pray for him all that much when he was still living until he got very sick. When he was very sick ( before he left the earth plane), I prayed for him every day, that God would heal him and make him better. It seems like everytime I pray for a very sick person to heal ands get better, they end up dying. I prayed for Terry Schiavo to live. In the end, she died a couple of weeks after her husband took her off of her feeding tube and she wasn't allowed any water. Terry's story is sooooo sad. It is so inhumane to not allow a sick person to be fed and receive water. I prayed for Terry for about 2 and a half weeks for a miracle to happen so that she could live. When I read that she had died, I felt so sad. I prayed so much for her that it almost felt like she was my relative or friend.

I wish that death wasn't a part of life. Death is so sad. It separates us from people that we love and care about. I know, and believe, that death is not the end but when our friends and family pass over, they take on another form and things just aren't really the same anymore between us and them. Maybe their spirit can see us but we can't see them. We can't really communicate with them the way we were able to when they were still alive. I mean, communication is possible through a psychic or a medium but that's about it, unless you're psychic yourself ( and I'm not ). Death changes things. Since Larry was such a huge influence on my life when he was still on this earth plane because we were so close, I know that I've changed since he passed over to the spirit world. I'm no longer the person that I used to be.

[nok]

I was supposed to have a private student studying with me this afternoon but she didn't show up. When the school called her up, she said that she wanted some r&r ( rest and relaxation) and that she'll be back after the New Year's holidays. I can understand how some teachers would feel really angry when a student doesn't show up and doesn't bother to call ( the teacher has to take a shower, get dressed and travel all the way to the school in order to find out that the student isn't coming.) Well, actually that is annoying when the student does that but I just take it in stride. Life is going to throw lots of lemons your way anyway, so might as well make a big, lovely pitcher of lemonade out of all those lemons. Why let all those fresh lemons go to waste ???!!!!???

I try to look at the good side of things, such as when a student doesn't show up and doesn't call up the school, I just tell myself ," Oh well. At least it got me out of the house. Now, I have some free time on my hands. I can just go shopping, watch a movie, read a book that I've been putting off reading for a while now or just whatever I feel like doing at the moment. "

Trying to look at the good side of things makes me feel better mentally. Otherwise, I would be severely depressed and continuously unhappy because life does seem to throw quite a few lemons at me.

In a few more days, it's going to be New Year's. I know that it's a New Year but to me, it feels like just another year.

[nok]

Thank goodness for New Year's holidays and every other holiday in the year. They give me a chance for some r&r ( rest and relaxation). Otherwise, I would be working all of the time. I don't like to take time off from work on my own (unless I'm very sick or have some urgent business to attend to) because it makes me feel so guilty 'cause I know how difficult it is for the school to find a substitute teacher for me ( for some strange reason, the small school that I'm teaching in has a bunch of teachers that refuse to substitute for one another-I have no idea why. )If I'm free during that time, I don't mind substituting for other teachers so I don't know why it's such a big deal for the other teachers to substitute for me or for each other. So, when one teacher can't show up for a day or days, the class/classes have to be cancelled. The school feels guilty because the students then have to either go back home if they only have that one class that day or wait 2-3 hours for their next class.

Today, I would like to write about all of the things that make me happy, so here goes :

For Me, Happiness is.....

a wonderful dream in which something happens to me ( in my dream) that could not possibly happen to me in real life, such as dating "the perfect guy" and in my dream, he's actually interested in Meeeee !!!! or visiting a friend in another country or spending time with my deceased family members and in my dream, it's like they're still alive and with me.

an iced cocoa drink on a warm day

a well written romantic movie with lots of action, surprises and a happy ending ( such as Twilight )

a phone call from a caring friend when I'm feeling down, depressed, upset or alone and need someone to reach out to me at that time.

coincidences in which I'm thinking about someone and I happen to see them in the same place as me or I run into someone that I haven't seen for a long time now and they're thinking about me as well.

buffets ( I love buffets !)

chocolate ( I like anything chocolate !)

inexpensive, sparkly jewellry

clothes with flower designs on them

small puppies/dogs with long hair

nature ( flowers, waterfalls, sunrise, sunsets )

and....... last, but not least...... my favorite food of all time..... spaghetti and meatballs !

[nok]

Happiness is...... within ( truly !)

I was supposed to have only a three day New Year's holiday but it turned out to be seven days because my students weren't available for studying since they wanted to fully enjoy the New Year's holidays ( I can't blame them ! They're still very young- they want to live life to the hilt, they have lots of friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, life is one exciting adventure for them.) The first one or two days was okay but after that, I was soooo bored ! I can only do so much window shopping, going to movies , eating out, etc. before I get totally bored with myself. I guess I'm just so used to working all of the time that I feel bored if I'm not actually working for more than a few days. One acquaintance that I used to know told me that I was abnormal for not enjoying rest. Well, that's her opinion and she's entitled to have her own opinions but I know ( for a fact) that I'm not the only person in this world who gets bored if they do absolutely nothing at all except rest, rest and rest. Another acquaintance of mine ( also from the past) told me once that she always had to be doing something, all of the time. She said she couldn't live being idle. That's how I am, too. I have to be doing something, all of the time.

One good thing did come out of the New Year's holidays, though. I was able to take my elderly mother out twice, once for having breakfast together at a suki place and then another day, I took her for some shopping at a local mall. My mother can't go out by herself because of her arthritic knees ( it's very difficult for her to walk because of the pain in her knees) and all of the medicine that she has to take twice a day ( she's got diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, etc.) Other than that, her vision isn't clear. I like spending time with my mother. She's almost eighty years old now and I feel that I have to do everything possible to make her as comfortable as I possibly can so that she can live out her senior years as long as she can. Actually, I want her to be with me forever but that might not be possible because she's mortal and mortals can't live forever. Anyway, I won't get into that because death is definitely an issue that I wished didn't exist. My mother doesn't like me but I do like her and want her to be happy.

I got another New Year's present this year from an unexpected source- an acquaintance of mine. That was really nice of her. She got me a frog clock with an attached pencil case- it's really cute, the frog's head is big and its body is small- the expression on the frog's face is sooooo adorable !

I hate to talk about death but since it is a part of life, it's hard to avoid talk about it. I just don't understand- why does death have to be a part of life ? Why does death have to exist ? What is its purpose ? Death makes the people who were close to that person very, very sad. I wish that death, illness, getting old, etc. didn't exist. Life would just be better without these negative things in our lives.

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I really, really must cut down on my addiction of going to fortune tellers. Just last month alone, I think I must've gone to the fortune tellers at least three times. I went to the same fortune teller twice and a new fortune teller once. It's just that I have this dire need for emotional support everytime that I feel really depressed or down. I admit that I'm emotionally dependent and I do need for people to listen to me and talk to me when I'm sad and if I have to pay for them to listen to me and talk to me ( such as a fortune teller) , than I will. My Indian friend ( in the past) read my palm for me and told me that I was emotionally dependent- she is soooo right. I used to lean on her for emotional support quite a lot when she was living close to me and we were really close friends. She was great at dishing out lots of good and ( what proved to be) accurate advice. She always told me everything like it was ( no beating around the bush ) and I really appreciated her clarity, insight, understanding and most of all- for listening to me. We were friends for several years and then she had to go back to India ( her home country) but we enjoyed several wonderful moments of friendship before she had to leave.

The bad thing about fortune tellers ( for me, anyway) is that if they look serious enough when telling me bad news, I believe them ! Not only do I believe them, I worry about the bad event actually happening. That's why I have to seriously cut down on going to the fortune tellers from now on. Maybe once every three months but no more than that from now on.

It's kind of sad that even though I belong in a family, they're never really there for me when I need them. My mother doesn't listen to me when I have a problem. She only listens to me when I tell her funny stories or good news. My brother walks away from me when I talk to him and acts like I'm a virus he has to avoid. He tells people ( that he knows) that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me because I'm ugly and he's ashamed of me. I love my family but they don't love me. As for my dad, he died more than 10 years ago. He was a great, great guy and he really loved me a lot. We spent a lot of time together and got along wonderfully. I'm so glad that I was with him every single day in the hospital for two weeks until he passed over. I was there for him, holding his hand until the very last minute that his heart stopped beating and the doctors and nurses rushed to his side, trying their very best for several minutes to bring him back but to no avail. he had already left.

It really was my dad who made me believe in ADC's ( after death communications). After he passed over, I dreamt about him a lot, there was a slight wind blowing in my room ( the windows in my room were all closed) and the curtains in my room were swaying in that wind, my neighbor saw my dad dressed entirely in white standing in front of the house looking up at my bedroom window with a worried look in his face ( at that time, she didn't know that my dad had already passed over).

One time, I had a bad case of chicken pox which lasted for about two weeks. I was thinking about my dad and mentally calling out to him to help me through this disease. My mother told me the next morning that she had woken up in the middle of the night to see my dad sitting in a chair looking at me sleeping with a worried expression on his face. During my bout with the chicken pox, my dad came to me in my dream. He was very, very sad and told me that he was so sorry for leaving us. What a great, great guy he was ! I am so lucky to have had such an amazing, loving, caring, brainy , generous father like him in my life. I was blessed with his presence for several years before he died of a brain tumor ( which was the size of an orange- that's what the doctors said). Until his very last minute on earth, he held on, he was such a strong person inside, he was so brave even though he was seriously ill. Until the very last minute, his fantastic sense of humor and his zest for life were still there. He was, is and will always be MY HERO ( My Dad).

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Elderly people. I feel so sorry for them. I really do. It seems like old age is also synonymous with health problems ( having to get dentures instead of your own teeth, muscular aches and pains, bones getting weaker, not being able to walk without a walking stick, heart problems, high blood pressure, etc.). I know that all of us, if we live long enough, have to face old age. Somehow, I'm not looking forward to it. How can you look forward to gray/white hair and numerous health problems ? Once, when I accompanied this girl I used to know to the hospital ( she had liver disease ) , we saw all these elderly people in the waiting room of the hospital. I thought nothing of it ( at that time) but all of a sudden, she asked me what it would be like to be old. What we be like these people ? I told her ( frankly) that I'd never thought of it before but I wouldn't like to be elderly because being elderly also meant being sick. She told me that she wouldn't want to live beyond 65 because after that, health would deteriorate even more. I wished she hadn't even brought up the subjest in the first place. Such a depressing topic to be talking about but, hey, old age is a part of life if we make it to old age.

One thing I've noticed about old people, though. The ones I have been acquainted with are very strong inside. I admire their inner strength. They remind me of those plastic dolls that you blow up and when you punch them, they always come back up. Old people are like that. No matter what life throws at them, they always get right back up. They don't give up. I find that admirable, very admirable indeed. My dad had that inner strength. So did my grandmother. My mother's got that inner strength, too. As for my friend Larry who passed over about three months ago, he had the greatest inner strength I've ever seen in anyone. I even told him once that he was very strong inside. He told me, " I just don't give up no matter what. That's all."

[nok]

I just finished a banana milk shake. I love food with bananas in it ( banana pancakes, banana waffles, sliced banana rings with chocolate syrup on them, banana flavored milk, banana flavored ice cream, fresh bananas, ice cream sundaes with bananas in them, fruit salad with bananas ......... yummy !!!!!

[COLOR="darkorange"]As for meats, my favorite is chicken. I am a true chicken fan. I like fried chicken, grilled chicken, chicken steak, popcorn chicken ( KFC) ,chicken soup with vegetables, etc. When the chicken flu was going around and ( I heard from the news) some people were dying from chicken flu, I was able to abstain from chicken for a few days but after that, I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to have my chicken !!!!!! I didn't care what happened to me so long as I had my chicken ( that's how much of a chicken fan I truly am !!!) . [/COLOR]

My insomnia is getting so bad that I stay up practically all night now. Last night, I went to bed at around 4:00 a.m. in the morning, slept for only a couple of hours and then got up again.

I've got this one student. She always comes to class with bags under her eyes and she always looks like she just woke up. I asked her what her favorite activity was. She told me liked to sleep. I BELIEVE HER !!!! I asked her what time she woke up today. She said ,"I just woke up." Again, I BELIEVED her !

[nok]

Next week is Larry's birthday. It would've been his 70th birthday. I always gave him a birthday card every year. I miss him sooooo much. I knew that I cared about him and that he was my best friend and that he was the kindest, most gentlest person I ever knew but I had no idea how much I really, really loved him until I lost him. That saying is true: You don't know how much you love something until it's gone. During the five years that I knew him, he gave me lots of cards ( Christmas cards, New Years cards, Birthday cards, Valentine's Day cards, etc.) and lots of little gifts. The first time that I met him, he gave me a friendship card and a small replica of a totem pole. He gave me calendars every December, a cross necklace and a stick pin for Christmas, a white bathrobe for my birthday, a hand knitted handbag, a world map, etc. He always went out of his way to help me whenever he thought I had a problem. This month is really difficult for me: It's Larry's birthday and next month, we were supposed to have gotten married. We had already set the date, made all the arrangements......... then he became critically ill and passed over.

Everytime I look at the gifts, the cards, the notes, the e-mails that he sent me, tears automatically flow by themselves and I feel so incredibly sad. I think I must've cried ( really hard) for at least more than a few times already since Larry passed on. Everytime there's a reminder of him somewhere ( places where I used to go with him, the restaurants we used to eat at, songs that remind me of him ) , the tears come. I've cried in internet cafes, my bedroom, public places, etc. when a reminder unexpectedly pops up about him.

Shortly after he died, a medium told me that she heard the song " Leaving on a Jet Plane" ( sung by John Denver) when his spirit was near. When I read the words to this song, I thought Ohhhhh My God, this is exactly like the relationship that I had with him. He travelled often and I really missed him every time he had to go. I always hated to see him go.

Larry, I am sooooo sorry for all of the times that we argued with each other, all the times that I didn't spend enough time with you because I "had to work", all the times that I might've let you down or hurt your feelings. I want you to know that I didn't mean it. I wish I could've known beforehand that you were about to pass over. I would've tried much, much harder to send you more e-mails, spent more time with you, eaten more meals with you, taken you out more, I would've spent more time talking on the phone with you, sent you more cards...... now, it's too late. I wish there was some way I could make it up to you. Larry, I wish I could turn back the hands of time, at least 6 months before you passed over and I would make it the best 6 months of your entire life. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LARRY !!!! ( See, I haven't forgotten !.... and I'll never forget.... for the rest of my life.) You're always going to be alive, Larry because you're always going to be in my heart. Your friends tell me that you're dead. Well, I don't believe them !!! I know that you're still alive ( just in another form, in another plane, dimension or whatever ). Thank you for the messages that you gave me through the medium. Thank you for coming through.

Larry, I wrote this poem for you :

Everytime

Everytime I think of you, I feel I can fly
I feel I've got wings that come from up high
I feel I've got hope when things go bad
'cause you're the best friend I've ever had

Everytime I see your pic, I know that you're there
I know that you love me, I know that you care
Death took you from me, I don't think it's fair
When I got the news, my soul laid bare
The tears won't stop, it never will
I care about you, I love you still

Everytime I hear a song that reminds me of you
a smile appears for a moment, then my soul feels blue
our memories together I shall keep within
we were so close, we were like kin

Your death is really hard for me
As you can probably see
But I will keep my chin up and look forward to that day
When I see you again and can say,
"Hey stranger ! How was your day ?"

Everytime I see pics of heaven, I know you are there,
So you rest easy now
"Cause we reap what we sow
And you only sowed love to everyone you knew
And we'll meet one day, in church, in the heavenly pew !

Please don't forget me, Larry. I know I'll never forget you !!!

Remember what we always used to say to each other ?

TOGETHER...... FOREVER !

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Even though I'm not a kid anymore, I still ( really) like stuffed animals. They are just sooooo cute and soft and loveable ! I've got stuffed animals on my bed, in my clothes closets, in my display cabinets, on top of the closets, in my jewellry closets and in the bag I carry around with me all of the time. I have stuffed animals in all sizes, too : tiny, small, big and extra large. I have three extra large stuffed animals and the rest are small and tiny. No matter how old I get ( and believe me, I'm not young !), I think I will always like stuffed animals. I don't have a favorite stuffed animal either ! I like all of them equally.

I saw two exciting sermons on t.v. last night. They were excellent and I liked the dramatics of the two pastors who spoke. Since I don't have time to go to church on Sundays because I'm teaching ( yes, I teach on Sundays,too !!!), I watch the sermons on t.v. or listen to online sermons on the internet. I need that "inspirational dose" at least once a week. It keeps me going.

Yesterday night, a strange thing happened. My alarm clock was ringing at a different time that I set it to ring. It's never done that before. It wasn't even a ringing sound either. It was like a small tapping noise. My clock usually doesn't make tapping noises. It rings. It took me a while to figure out that the tapping noises were coming from my alarm clock because the tapping sounds were so subtle. At first, I thought maybe a small animal had gotten into my room and were making those noises.