Totally Transparent Nok

[nok]

It's Sunday today. So much is happening so fast. One of the schools that I'm teaching at is really going down the drain ( or seems to be). There are really a lot of students there ( I would say about a hundred) but the school is in financial distress right now and I really don't know why. The tuition costs are too cheap ? mismanagement ? there should be more students to keep the school floating out of financial debt ? not enough teachers ? too many teacher cancellations ? I really don't know ! Only the school's management knows the real reason why the school is going down and I know them well enough to know that they're not going to tell anyone the real reason. They're not pretending that everything is okay but they're not telling anyone what's really going on either except to say that the economic crises has severely effected them. Thank goodness, I work at two schools so if this school closes down, I still have another school to work at. I won't be unemployed ( hopefully !!! ). The other school I work at is a small school in a mall. That school doesn't have many students but seems to be doing okay ( as compared to this school, anyway !). That school only has four classrooms and lately, there are students and teachers ( me, being one of them) in every one of the four classrooms. I hope it continues to do well because I really like that school.

I'm such a shopaholic. I love shopping and I swear, I buy stuff every day ! A lot of the times I buy stuff that I really don't need at the moment, such as photo frames, another small bottle of shampoo, some more soap, jewellry, etc. I might not need them at the moment but later on, it turns out that there's a need for it or I have to use it. Fate ? Perhaps. Coincidence? Maybe.

I don't know if I'm addicted to shopping or not. I just know that shopping makes me happy. Buying cute little things that are inexpensive makes me soooo happy . I'm not rich ( more like on the definitely not rich side so I have to be careful to buy only cheap ( but hopefully, good quality) stuff.

I love jewellry ( mine are mostly on sale, bargain basement, dime store type stuff ) and I've just noticed that when I'm feeling down or life isn't a bed of roses for me at the moment, I stop wearing jewellry. I just (unconsciously) not wear it but when things improve or life is going well, I automatically wear jewellry ( again, unconsciously). It's almost like an automatic action from me, something I don't really think about.

I've got a cold at the moment but thank goodness, it's not a bad one. I coughed a little bit this morning before going to the school so I took some cold tablets. I skipped breakfast this morning, had snacks for lunch ( sauced meatballs on a stick and a small fishball salad with fresh cabbage). To go with the snacks, I drank an iced fruit juice.

[nok]

A few days ago, it was Teacher's Day ( it's the day when students pay respects to their teachers and thank them for teaching them). Today, one of my students gave me a late Teacher's Day present ( a small notebook with a plastic red cover) so that was kind of her as I wasn't expecting any presents from any of my students. I just feel so honored to be one of the many teachers all around the world. I think teaching is a great profession ! How wonderful it is to be able to impart knowledge on so many eager young minds. I have always wanted to be a teacher and being able to teach is really a dream come true for me.

Yesterday, one of my teacher friends called me up on the cell phone while I was waiting for the bus. We talked for a little while about the school's dire situation. I told her that I felt like the school was going downhill ( increasing teacher absenteeism, no substitute teachers, decreasing student enrollment, not enough funds for the many costs that come with running a school, etc.) and she told me she felt the same way. She told me that she wasn't going to show up at the school anymore and start looking for a new teaching job elsewheres. She felt it was a waste of time being there. She asked me what I was going to do ( about this situation.) I told her that I felt sorry for the school and I'm going to stick by it until the end. I told her that I knew it was a waste of time to continue being there but I just felt that it was the right thing to do. I would feel guilty if I left a dying school - it would go down even faster if I wasn't there since I'm teaching so many subjects for them right now.

I know I'm only one person down there but maybe I can help the school last a bit longer with my help there - I hope so ! She didn't agree with my decision but that's okay. It's my decision and I'm going to stick with it. If the school really does close down, at least I would've known that I had done my part in helping them until the very last minute. I know that I don't like it when people leave me when I'm in trouble so I'm sure the school doesn't like it either when teachers are leaving at a time when the school needs them the most.

In the evening, she called me again but I wasn't able to pick up ( my cell phone) at that time so I called her back. We talked about the situation some more for more than half an hour. I wonder if I'm a talkaholic ? I certainly do enjoy talking !!! I think I talked more than she did as she mostly listened.

[nok]

I've been having nightmares lately ( probably job related because I normally don't have nightmares). My latest nightmare went like this :

Me and a friend are in a desert somewhere when I see a man shooting at us from afar with a long barreled gun. We both duck down on the sand. He keeps shooting. I see gunfire. One of the bullets grazes my arm and it's bleeding but only a little bit of blood has come out of the wound.

In the dream, I seem to realize that this is a danger zone and I ( and the other here) could get killed at any moment but for some strange reason, we are taking our chances. I arrive at a small store-like place with a couple of people sitting there having a worship service. I sit down and join them. I know ( in my dream) that worship services are forbidden here and we could get killed at any moment. We continue our worship service anyway in spite of the danger that we're all in. End of nightmare.

I looked up the meanings in my dream interpretation book. A gun symbolizes injustice which is being done to me. Blood means something's wrong with my heath and I need to get a checkup. I couldn't find the other meanings in my Dream Book.

Injustice ? How could that be ? Oh well, if that happens to be true, I'll let things go. I'm a firm believer that what goes 'round comes 'round and if I'm receiving injustice right now, then one day that person will receive an injustice in their lives as well.

One reason why I like weekends so much is because every weekend, there's an open market ( actually two open markets) near my home. There's a huge variety of stuff to look at and they're all cheap. I like cheap. I bought a lot of food because the food there is incredibly cheap. There were a lot of people there ( at the market) last night and most of the people were buying food as well.

[nok]

This world that we live in seems like an upside down, topsy-turvy world. People that are kind are considered weak, people who do nice things for others are seen as "sweetening" the other person up so that they can get something out of the other person ( that they want), people who cheat others are considered "clever", people who are evil or selfish or conniving "go up" the job ladder, receiving promotions, praise, higher salaries, fame and fortune, people who "sleep around" are considered popular, etc. WHAT is this world coming to ? I just DON'T understand it !!!

I see examples of this in my own life and the lives of those around me. It is SAD What will this world come to if greed, selfishness,lust, money rules ? By writing this, I am not proclaiming self-righteousness although I do try ( hard) to be a good person. I try to be kind to everyone, even though they might not be kind to me. It's depressing sometimes because the end results are sometimes not good, which makes me think , hey, whatever happened to "what goes around comes around ?" It seems to me like the wicked rule and the good people are stuck with bad health, a job that's either going nowhere or is routine and dull, marital problems, endless problems, etc. Sorry if I sound like a gloom-and-doom kind of person in this post but I'm trying to be realistic about this because this is what I see, all around me.

There are countless examples of this in my PAST and also in my PRESENT life. One good example is a situation that happened in my recent past ( about a year ago, but for me, a year ago is still recent because one year goes by so quickly anyway). By the way, this is a TRUE story. I know it is true because it happened to me.

I had a student with a brain disorder. He had violent tendencies. The other teachers didn't want him in their classes so the staff put him in my class. The other kids were scared of him and I don't blame them one bit. He would fantasize ( he did this often) that they were his enemies and hit them ( hard) a couple of times, punch them on the face, shout at them, etc. The only reason why the school tolerated this kid was because his parents were extremely rich, gave lots of money to the school and so the school treated this kid and his parents well. His parents hired a babysitter who followed him everywhere because they were worried ( like 24 hours) about their son.

The babysitter stole money ( lots of it !) from the kid's pockets and wallet, left him alone for hours at a time while she went shopping or did some other stuff, convinced him to hate certain people, etc. but in front of the kid's parents, she was super sweet to the kid and acted like she really cared about him. After viewing her "actions" for several months, I couldn't take it anymore. Due to his brain disorder ( he had very short memory, no concentration, he couldn't speak coherently, he spoke to "invisible" friends all of the time, etc.), the kid obviously couldn't protect or defend himself so I felt a need to do it for him. I told the kid's parents what I saw and heard. I felt they had a right to know since they were the kid's parents and they were paying this babysitter a huge salary for taking good care of their kid and she was taking advantage of this kid every chance she got. They were enraged and told the babysitter to "clean up" her act or else they would fire her. She cried, denied everything and lied to the kid's parents that she loved their kid as though he were her very own. I swear she looked totally believable when she told the kid's parents how much she loved and cared about their son. To make a long story short, the parents believed her story, gave her a raise for making her "cry" and continued hiring her as their son's babysitter . As for me, the parents took the kid out of my classroom and berated me for saying harsh things about their "sweet, caring" babysitter. The babysitter, after the parents left, wiped away her crocodile tears and said to me ( with an evil look in her eyes), "Look sweetheart, in this world, evil rules and that's all there is to it, understand ? And don't try telling the parents any more stuff about me because they're not going to believe you. I'm an expert at this. Don't mess with me, honey, if you want to continue working at this school. I know how to get you into some real trouble."

All the time, I see people who are rude, self centered and obnoxious but they have loads and loads of friends who " adore" them and "love" them and are totally "faithful" to them. OH MY, WHAT is this world coming to ? At the same time, I see kind , good people who are "victims" of life, having "bad things" thrown at them ( betrayal, getting fired, being loaded down with problem after problem, barely being able to make ends meet, being taken advantage of, etc.). I ask, WHERE is the justice in all this ????

I'm just afraid that if this continues, then the good people might just possibly stop being good and start thinking, being good isn't getting me anywhere so now I'll be bad because I want the "good things" in life ( promotions, high salary, a nice car, big house, etc. ) . Ooooooohhhh, I hope it doesn't come to that. I hope the good people continue being good ( even if it doesn't "pay off"). The world needs more love, more kindness, more caring, more unselfishness and more "positive vibes" in order to survive (fruitfully).

[nok]

I'm having a very restful day today which is great because I've had to work quite hard lately. Today is the first day of this week that I was able to get some decent rest. Working at two schools is taking its toll on me, both physically and mentally. I'm physically tired and mentally drained. I have muscular aches on my shoulders, back and the backs of my arms. I believe they are caused by stress and carrying a bunch of school books around ( they feel like they weigh a ton !).

Latest update on the school situation : The other teacher ( who is still here at the school) is starting to take more days off ( on his own). Last week, he didn't show up on Tuesday and Wednesday ( he called in sick), on Thursday and Friday, he didn't come because he had to take some out-of-town relatives sightseeing. He told the school that he wouldn't be able to come this Sunday because he's got to attend a friend's wedding. He showed up today, more than 30 minutes late for his class and he didn't seem to be in a hurry to get to his room because he sat down in front of the computer ( at the receptionist's desk) and was eating some food that he had brought with him. The management saw him but didn't say anything. I guess they didn't know what to say. With the teacher's salaries reduced by more than half because of the dire financial situation going on at the school, what can they say ? Besides, there are only two teachers left right now ( me and him) and this man looks like he's halfway out the door already. He told me ( not too long ago) that he was already looking for a new job.

I come into the school and see all these empty classrooms and no teachers walking around ( except me and him- that is, on days that he does show up). A few days ago, I was the only teacher in the whole school ( he didn't come that day) and so the school combined two classes together and put them in my room so I ended up with a bunch of students. It was a bit depressing because some of them seemed unappreciative of my efforts to teach them ( so they wouldn't have to come to school and not be able to learn anything because of lack of teachers) and were complaining under their breath and making faces. They like the other teacher more than me because he's young, male, charming and quite good looking. A lot of the students at this school are girls. Only about 10% of them are boys. Their attitudes sagged my spirits quite a bit as at this harrowing time, I need a moral boost ( or a moral uplift) and not negative reactions in order to continue giving my full 105% to this school.

In order to get some badly needed funds coming into the school, the management is now renting out the front part of the school and about 60% of the first floor ( the school has alltogether 4 floors) to any interested merchants that need cheap monthly rental space. Allready, one merchant ( selling meatballs) has rented out about 10% of the front part of the school.

I was thinking, if there are a lot of merchants that are interested in renting these available spaces, this school won't look like much of a school anymore. It's going to look like a food park or some kind of a food place. Ah well, I guess the management have to do what they have to do in order to survive. I do admire the management for doing everything they can to keep the school afloat but with only two teachers in tow, about a hundred students still attending, a bunch of empty classrooms, debts piling up, more money (expenses) going out than coming in- how much longer can this school actually survive under these circumstances ? ( I mean, really ?)

The school has already cut tuition costs in half in order to get more students to come in. It is sort of working in that there are already about 30 new students at the school since the last two months. Some of them aren't happy, though. For almost every class they have, they keep seeing me ( or the other teacher) and that's it. They want to see other teachers, too but there aren't any other teachers here. Actually, I think they're lucky that I'm still here otherwise these kids would have to go home since there would be no classes to attend.

I wish life was easier and everything flowed smoothly-no problems, no struggles, no obstacles to overcome- but then that's not life, is it ? Life is a gigantic garden of roses-big, beautiful roses in full bloom swaying ever so gently in a lovely, warm breeze underneath the bright, welcoming rays of the sun- with prickly, stabbing thorns all over. Life is beauty- and pain- at the same time. If we can pick the roses, we also have to accept all the thorns that come with them.

[nok]

Yesterday was a religious holiday so I didn't have to show up at school, which was a good thing because I needed the r&r ( rest and relaxation) and a temporary break from my very tiring teaching schedule. I took advantage of the day off. I went walking around, shopped, visited a flea market, etc. - it was great !

I also went to a tarot card reader and asked about the school situation. After she laid out the cards, she told me that this school just isn't going to make it. I said, how much longer ? She said, at the most 5-7 months. She said that money was coming into the school on a regular basis but it wasn't enough for all of the expenses incurred by the school. She told me that the school would have to close down due to the economic crises.

I think the stress I'm surrounded by is starting to get to me. I looked in the mirror and I had quite a few white hairs, a couple of tension lines on my forehead and I looked much older. Last night, the insomnia was super bad. I was awake the whole night. From 9:00 p.m. until 6:00 a.m. in the morning, I was still wide awake and not the least bit sleepy. So, I did lesson preparations- that took about 2 hours. I watched t.v for about an hour, read an article in a magazine, etc. and still didn't feel the least bit tired. My whole body felt itchy- probably due to stress.

At around 9:00 a.m. in the morning, I had breakfast with my mother- it was a nice one- eggs sunny side up, sausages, stir-fry noodles, fruit juice, tea and iced water.

A Valentine's Day poem for everyone who reads my journal :

Valentine's Day is drawing near
bringing with it merry hearts full of loving cheer
love abounds, near and far
for where love exists, there is no scar
of the soul
no empty hole
for envy or hate to dwell
for where love is, all is well
for love forgives, and lives, and lives,
in the hearts and minds
of us all,
whether light or dark, short or tall
love will never go away
love will always be here to stay
for love is pure and love is true
love is there, even when we're feelin' blue
'cause when someone shows he truly cares
it comes from the heart, not phony airs
for love is not a mask in which to hide
the empathy we feel like an incoming tide
that goes to others, when they're not at their best
we take their place, so they can rest

when love is there
it shows we care
the fears subside, they go away
replaced by love, which will stay
forever more
like an open door
that welcomes others in
and treats them as friends, and as kin
instead of strangers that we know not
our love is warm , our love is hot
warms the souls of those around us
it has to ! it must !

[nok]

Star light, Star bright
It's so great to see you tonight
Such beauty ! What an awesome sight !
May I make a wish, on this star-filled night ?

Can you see me , Star
although you are afar
I believe you can hear me
I believe you can answer, I believe you can see
I believe in your power
So from you, I will not cower
but be brave, and ask
you for an impossible task

Please help the school that I'm at
It isn't all this, and it isn't all that
It's not going to make it, I know for sure
but the ones who are still there, their motives are pure
I don't have an answer, I don't have a cure
to help this school not go down the drain
fighting 'till the last minute has been a real pain
so. please Star, don't let my fighting go for naught
for a cause that I thought worthy to have fought
for if the school stays on to help these poor,
we can help these kids reach their destined shore,
get to their goal , unhindered and free
to be what they want, can't you see ?

So , thank you Star, for hearing me out
for letting me talk, for letting me shout
about a wish that I want to come true,
so grant me this wish, that you will do
So all the children can give thanks to you !

[nok]

It was an absolutely perfect day. Nothing went wrong- absolutely n-o-t-h-i-n-g !
I made up my mind that today I would definitely go to my favorite charity and donate some money to them. I used to do that every month and kept it up for a very long time but I didn't give any donation money last month and last December because I just didn't feel like it- I was too depressed from the many things ( problems) coming my way.

So today- I told myself- NO EXCUSES !- I must, absolutely must go to the charity place and give some money for their cause- free funerals and burials for the deceased who have no relatives or friends.

I left the house in the late afternoon. I only had to wait for a few minutes before the bus I needed to get on came ( usually, I have to wait for more than just a few minutes). The traffic was quite good and it only took me about a little bit more than a hour to get to the charity place. When I arrived, there were hardly any people there ( which is great because there are usually a lot of people there, bumping into each other and trying to find a space to walk in ). I gave them some money, lit some candles, offered up some prayers for the deceased and then left. Every road that I had to cross- yes, every road - happened to have a red light when I was about to cross that particular road so that was wonderful- I didn't have to wait at all before crossing the roads. That has never happened to me before. When I got to the bus stop, I only had to wait for a few minutes before the bus that I was waiting fo came ( I usually have to wait for quite a long time). I got on the bus and it was full so I had to stand up but that was only for a short while because - ANOTHER FANTASTIC COINCIDENCE- the woman that was sitting in the seat that I was standing right next to got up after a few bus stops and I was able to sit in her seat- AMAZING !

I read in a book somewhere that if we're on the right track, things will go smoothly for us but if we're doing something wrong-wrong job, wrong decision-making, wrong place at the wrong time- then life will put up obstacles and barriers right in front of us so that we'll know we're headed in the wrong direction. If that's true, then today I was on the right track by donating some money to my favorite charity.

[nok]

It was Valentines Day last week so I gave my students handmade red felt hearts with red bows on them on green sticks (they look sort of like flowers but they're hearts instead of where the flowers should be). Usually, everytime it's Valentines Day, I always think about whether or not anyone will give me something ( chocolates, roses, a card, etc.) and I'm usually always disappointed because I usually don't get anything. Other people get something but I usually get nothing but then this year, the thought occurred to me that, "Hey, instead of expecting something ( which usually doesn't work), I should be the giver instead of the receiver." That's when the idea of the handmade hearts came to my mind.

Also, I gave my elderly mother a bouquet of red roses. She loves flowers. Some of her friends also gave her a bouquet of roses as well . They're pink and look really good.

A few days ago, one of the staff at the school that I'm working at was almost in tears. Since all of the salaries of the people who still work at the school were cut in half, she's really finding it hard to make ends meet. We've all been scrimping and saving but barely make it through each month with the measly salary they give us (which is below the minimum wage ). She was almost ready to call it quits with this school and find a new job but then she changed her mind quickly and told her friends there that she'll hang on for a little bit longer. The work load is very heavy for the few remaining staff still there at the school and they feel like they're being taken advantage of.

It seems like the students are starting to get bored of having only two teachers here. It's either me or the other teacher in the classroom and a lot of the students are now starting to skip classes, come late or not show up for weeks. Times have really changed. When I was a student ( which was a long,long time ago), I never skipped classes, never came into the classroom late and always did my homework. Today's students aren't that way- it's either THEIR way or the highway. I feel sorry for them. They don't seem to know that they need a good education for their future.

I hope this worldwide economic crises gets better soon. I see homeless people sleeping under the trees, under the bridges and at bus stops and I see so many unemployed people everywhere with companies and businesses closing down and I feel so sorry for them. Mind you, I know that if the economic crises continues, I might be one of the unemployed people out there ( I hope that doesn't happen as I love my teaching work but I have to be realistic about this whole situation).

I think that if everyone sticks together, love each other and help each other out with willing minds and willing hearts and willing bodies without thinking about what they will get out of it , we can make it through this economic crises but all of us have to pull together- for each other.

[nok]

Yesterday , I ate at an inexpensive buffet place. They let you eat there for an hour and a half ( as much as you can eat in that time) for one price only. I eat in places like that only once in a very, very long time.

The food was quite good and there was a huge variety to choose from. I had suki , salad, fruit , dessert and about three drinks ( fruit punch, green tea and lemon tea). There were a lot of customers ( probably because it was Saturday).

After that, I went walking around for a while.

I know that some people like the weekends because they have days off from work during Saturdays and Sundays but for me, every day is pretty much the same.

I do like rest and relaxation sometimes, though because I need it ( at least twice a week anyway). I also take naps during the day if I can. I need those, too.