Totally Transparent Nok

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So much has happened since I last posted. For one thing, I watched a really popular ghost movie at the movie theatre a couple of days ago. A lot of people have already watched it. It's a box office hit and the ads says it's really scary. I liked the trailer for it, it seemed like an interesting movie, so after walking back and forth several times in front of the cinema, I decided, Why not ? I get scared easily and that's what made me think twice before I decided to get in line and purchase a ticket. I thought, well, if it's scary, I'll just look at the wall in the theatre for a little while and then conti ue watching the movie.

Well, actually, it wasn't scary. It really wasn't. I've watched far scarier movies than this one, so I was okay. I can't say it was an excellent movie. It was just...... okay. Well, anyway, it's a good thing to do to kill time. I can't say I regret watching it but it wasn't as exciting or as thrilling as I thought it would be.

There was a book sale near my house, so I decided to look at the books there. There was a sign that said 10-80% discount off of all books. I fumbled through the books, not really taking a fancy at any of them until something caught my eye. It was a pendulum kit. I've been trying to find one now for a couple of weeks and I couldn't believe my luck, when, there it was, right before me, in a stack of various books. I looked at the price and asked the shopkeeper how much the book costs after the discount. When he told me, I was thinking for several minutes about whether or not to buy it, but then I thought, what the heck, it's on sale ( 15% discount on this pendulum kit) and I've been trying to find it for quite a while now, so I should go ahead and buy it.

So, yesterday morning, I read the instruction booklet, said a little protection prayer and then started doing the pendulum reading. The first question , the pendulum was swinging quite well to the yes part of the board. Second question, the pendulum still swung strongly, but this time to the "Not Sure" part of the board. I asked about 3-4 more questions after that, and the pendulum swung for me everytime. However, I did notice that the more questions I asked, the pendulum started swinging more and more weakly. I don't know why that was. Maybe I was using up too much energy from the pendulum in one sitting. I don't know. I thought that was pretty freaky and amazing that the pendulum was moving all by itself like that.

Before I used the pendulum, I was bit worried that it wouldn't swing for me. The booklet said that pendulums usually don't work for beginners. It just stays still. Thank goodness, that wasn't the case for me because it swung for me everytime I asked a question.

I visited the online memorial that I created for Larry a short while ago. It's got more than 60 visits so far, and I sent 15 invitations yesterday evening by e-mail for my e-mail contacts to view this memorial. I really have no idea whether or not they usually went in to view the memorial or not, though ( it's really up to them whether or not they want to view the memorial.) A few days ago, I added on two-three bible verses into the online memorial because I thought it would really fitting and proper as Larry was a religious person and he did love God very much. His love for God made him persevere through all the trials and tribulations that life threw at him. My sweet friend keeps reminding me to think about Larry the way he was, not the way he is now, or the way he died. She told me to think of only the happy memories of him, and not the sad ones.

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I visited Larry's online memorial a few days ago, and it's already got more than 100 visits, so that's good. Only two people ( other than me) left tributes on there. It is a free online memorial, but if you sponsor it , all the ads will be taken from it permanently. The sponsorship fee is around 97 dollars or something like that. I've been wondering and wondering whether or not to sponsor this online memorial that I created for him, My Best Friend.

A part of me wants to sponsor this memorial for Larry because while he was still living, he was always so sweet, kind and loving towards me. I feel like me sponsoring hid memorial is the least I can do for him after all he's done for me.

A part of me doesn't want to sponsor this memorial because I still remember Larry not wanting me to be a spendthrift, and being careful about my expenditures. I remember he used to tell me to spend money on necessities only and the money would go a long way. He wanted us to live simply. He liked bargains and sales. He didn't want me spending money unnecessarily. 97 dollars is kind of a lot of money for me because of the economic situation which seems to be worsening. Besides, the 2-3 ads on his online memorial don't bother me. It doesn't really look annoying
(to me, anyway).

I'm really, totally undecided about what to do about this- to sponsor or not to sponsor Larry's memorial ? If I knew for sure that Larry wanted me to sponsor his online memorial, I would do it in a second, without having to think about it any further. Unfortunately, I really do not know Larry's wishes concerning this matter, so I am still undecided.

The receptionist at the dollhouse school is leaving at the end of the month. The boss asked her to leave. I'm really surprised. She might not be the most competent worker on the planet, but she does have looks and he just didn't seem to be the kind of man who could fire anyone. He just seems too nice and kind to ask someone to leave. She doesn't seem sad, upset or disappointed ,though ( I'm surprised about her reaction as well). I mean, he paid her really well, he was always kind and forgiving towards her many mistakes, he was always nice to her, so I'm surprised that she isn't sad at having to leave. She's already got a new job, though. A lady hired her to be a masseuse at her beauty center. The lady told her she's got the looks for it. So, that's good she won't be unemployed. She'll be going from one job to another. The new receptionist that he's hired to replace her is worse than she is. Very cute, very young ( only 17 years old !) but she didn't seem to take much interest in learning about her new job. She came a few days ago to train for the job, but she took no real interest in doing anything (she let the phones ring without answering them, she made more typing errors than the present receptionist, she didn't smile or talk to any of the customers ( she just looked at them with a straight face and said absolutely nothing to them), she didn't ask the boss or the present receptionist what her "job duties" were, and she left early. I mentioned to the present receptionist that the new girl didn't seem to be very interested in learning her new job. The receptionist said, "Oh. That's okay. The boss doesn't want someone who knows how to work, he wants a cute, living doll sitting at the front desk, whose looks will attract the customers."

Well, okay, this new girl is really cute, but whose going to answer the phones, do the typing work, greet and talk to the customers if she's not going to do it ? The boss is going to be overloaded with work that the receptionist/secretary is supposed to be doing. He's going to be wasting his money paying this girl's salary for doing nothing except just sitting there looking cute all day. Oh well, it's his money and he can do anything he wants with it, although I am baffled with his managerial decision to hire someone to do nothing.

I am used to the old receptionist (she's been working here for over a year now) so it will be strange not seeing her at the front desk anymore. The receptionist told me that in life, nothing is certain. I hope that one day, if the boss ever decides he doesn't want me to teach for his school anymore ( hopefully, that won't happen-I hope not- because I really like this dollhouse school-it's near my house and it's in a Mall and I like the boss because he's kind) , he'll tell me straightforwardly a month before in advance so that I will have time to look around for a new school to teach in. Finding a new job kind of sucks because of the process involved ( looking at newspapers to see which schools need teachers, travelling there, filling in all those many blanks in the job application form, waiting for a job interview, waiting to see if they've accepted you or not- it is an annoying, tedious process, to say the least !!!! )

After everything I've already been through, though, at least I've learned (the hard way) what it is I want in a job, what I am willing to put up with and not put up with, etc. I have boundaries now and if a potential employer crosses those boundaries, I will just get up and leave. There are things now that I will definitely not put up with. I used to put up with them in the past but not anymore- stuff like a boss telling me I have to take the TOEIC/ TOEFL test every year to prove my English proficiency , having to look for and pay for the books that are used in teaching ( that's the school's job, not mine ! ) , making me substitute for the other teachers and not telling me in advance but telling me 5 minutes before a class is going to start, making me teach overtime and not paying me for it, making me do administrative work that the office staff is supposed to be doing,doing favors for the boss and/or staff, doing a whole lot more than I'm supposed to be doing, etc. In the past, I have put up with a lot, but not anymore.

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I went to the dentist to get a filling because my tooth has been aching really badly for a couple of weeks now. I hate going to the dentist and going to doctors in general because I'm afraid of pain. I'm a grown waoman, I know, but I'm still afraid of pain.

The dentist took a look at my tooth and said I didn't need a filling, I needed a tooth extraction. He said the tooth was very badly abscessed ( almost to the root) and not extracting it would just make it worse. He said it would cause two or three teeth next to it to decay as well. I've never had a tooth extracted before, and the mere thought of it scares me. A dentist strongly pulling on my tooth, root and all,and then a lot of blood spurting out and a mouth full of blood doesn't appeal to me. What about the hole left by the tooth extraction ? Yikes !!!!

I told him I preferred a filling instead. He said okay, and proceeded to do it for me. One thing I like about this dentist is that once he knows what I want, he gets right to it. Another dentist I went to a few weeks ago paused before proceeding, so I had time to feel nervous and decided to leave the dentist's office because I didn't have enough nerve to let her proceed. As a patient in a dentist's chair, I need the dentist to immediately proceed before I change my mind and can't make myself get through it.

After the dentist finished my filling, I felt relieved that I had finally done it and it was now done and over with. The dentist told me that if I had problems with the filling, the tooth would need to be either extracted or I would have to undergo root treatment.

Since he said I was not to eat any food for two hours after the filling, I felt really, really hungry. My stomach was making (hungry) noises and I kept looking at the clock to see whether or not the two hours was up yet. To make matters worse, my mother had ordered some delicious grilled chicken which I love and told me to have some. I hesitantly had to say no to her, so she ate it herself.

I had a (silly) problem with two of my grown-up female teenaged students tonight. I thought the problem was silly, they didn't. Their course was finished, and they wanted to renew. Problem was they kept putting off paying the school for tuition. They would say (to the school), "Can we study first and then pay later ?" Problem with this was that they've been showing up for classes and putting off payment since last Thursday ! The reason why the boss put up with this is because these particular students have been with this dollhouse school for a couple of months already and the school didn't want to lose them. I guess enough was enough for the boss, though, because when they showed up for class again tonight and was still putting off payment (Can we pay tommorrow ? We forgot to bring the money with us tonight.), the boss said to them, "Look.You've been putting off payment since last week. This is not a charity school where you get lessons for free. You either pay up now or no more free lessons for the two of you, get it ?" They paid up (with money they said they forgot to bring with them tonight).

In the classroom, these two girls had a really nasty attitude after the episode (with the boss). They were saying stuff to me, such as, " What an ******* your boss is ! How come he's so nasty tonight ? He should treat us with more respect ! , etc. I told them off. I told them they were the ones who were wrong, not paying and trying to con the school into giving them free lessons and continually putting off payment, etc. They weren't happy with my comments, and cancelled tomorrow night's lesson ( with me). They said I should be siding with them since they're my students. I said, "I'm not siding with you if you're wrong." If these 2 students show up for their classes again, it looks like it's going to be a long, bumpy road ahead , especially for me since (unfortunately) I'm their teacher. They're just going to continually make snide remarks. Oh, sometimes, it is difficult to be a teacher. Oh, what a teacher has to put up with.

I wish these 2 girls hadn't been so nasty with me tonight, though. It makes me lose the good feelings and thoughts I used to have towards them as being well-mannered, polite girls. Their true colors really showed tonight.

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It's been a year and about 13 days now since Larry passed away. I'm still sad, the tears are still falling, and songs keep triggering memories of him, like today, I was looking at the youtube of the song, "I sing the body electric" and it made me think of him. I mean Larry is now one with the stars, and his spirit is glowing with the light of 10 million stars. He has already embodied the earth ( as an energy/ spirit form).

I was talking to his picture a few days ago, telling him how much I miss him when the tears started falling.

My friend suggested that I write a letter to Larry, burn it and say goodbye to him and stop thinking about him - I don't want to do that, I can't and I won't !

How do you say good-bye (and really mean it) to someone who meant so much to you and stop thinking about them ? That's impossible ! For me, anyway.

There's a saying "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." I totally disagree with this saying. For me, " It is better to have love and never lose it."

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Today, I woke up super early because I was supposed to have an early morning class with my Iranian student, who is studying Basic Conversation with me. I am not a morning person, never was and probably never will be, but if I have to get up, I will get up, no matter how early it is. If duty calls, I will not shirk from my responsibilities.

The unexpected happened. I suppose it was due to happen, considering the circumstances and all, but the Iranian woman seemed like such a nice woman that I really didn't see it coming. The school called me as I was walking to the school ( in the Mall) and told me that my Iranian student asked to change teachers and that I didn't have to come in today ( I wish the school had told me earlier. That way, I could've woken up a bit later than I did today.) It took me by surprise. I was like, "What ?????? What happened ? " The school explained that the woman preferred an Iranian teacher, who could explain English to her using her mother tongue. She said it was very difficult to understand me because I was not able to explain to her in her mother tongue. I am kind of surprised, I suppose. I mean, I drew pictures for her, explained using very simple English words, used hand language, etc. I did everything I could possibly think of to help her understand. I mean, it's okay. I understand. It's her decision , really. I just hope the school understands.

Even though my students rarely change teachers and it happens to me only once in a very, very long time, when it does happen, the boss, when he sees me, is kind of like, " Why did your student ask to change teachers ? What happened ? " asking like in a critical manner , not in a wondering manner. Oh well, what happens, happens, I suppose. Life has thrown me many twists and turns before, another turn shouldn't effect me too much.

I'm really tired, though. I've been working for like 20 years now, without a real break yet. I really need to seriously rest for like a year now, but of course, that won't happen. I am a workaholic, and I can't help it, that's just what I am.

Actually, I'm relieved that the Iranian student doesn't want me. Hers was the only early morning class that I had since last month, and I don't like anything that takes place in the early mornings. I am an afternoon, evening and night person, but definitely not a morning person.

You know the old saying, "The Early Bird catches the worms " ? Well, I probably am not able to catch any worms because I am so not an Early Bird. So, if the Early Bird catches the worms, then what does the Afternoon Bird or Evening Bird catch then ?

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Last night, I was taking care of my elderly mother until almost 3 a.m. in the morning. She sleeps really well from around 11:00 a.m. until about 2:00 a.m. in the morning, but then after that she automatically wakes up and becomes restless. She turns the channels on the t.v. every few seconds, moves the furniture around back and forth, turns the volume on the t.v. full force, etc. It must be difficult to be elderly. I know that it's sometimes difficult for her, because she's got high blood sugar, high blood pressure, gout, etc. At almost 3:00 a.m. , I was getting too tired and sleepy to watch over her any longer, so I decided to call it a night and go to sleep.

Shortly after 3 :00 a.m. , I heard my mom making a lot of noise in her room but I was just too exhausted to go and look to see what was going on. In the morning, she told me she had very bad diarrhea at night and stomach cramps. I wanted to be there for her and take care of her some more but unfortunately, I had a new morning class today and my two young female students (both sophomores in university) have to finish their new course with me within 3 weeks or so, before they have to start studying for their mid-term exams at uni, so it's not like I can cancel their class or anything like that. I really don't like to leave my mother when she's ill ( bro and his live-in girlfriend are at home with her but they don't care about mom. They don't even check in on her to see how she's doing even though they both know she's ill.They just stay in my bro's room, lock the door and stay in there all day and all night except when they have to go to the toilet or find something to eat. When they go out to eat, they never invite me and mom to join them. They just go by themselves.They are both useless and have no conscious. The only people they care about is each other.) but I don't have a choice.

If I act irresponsibly at work and keep calling to say I can't come in that day, I know that the boss will either reduce my classes or not give me any more new classes when all of my classes are finished and I don't want that to happen. As much as I love my mother, I don't want to end up being unemployed and I know she doesn't want me to be unemployed either. She's always telling me that she wants me to be employed and that it makes her upset and disappointed when I'm out of a job. In the past, I have been unemployed before (unfair dismissals where staff wrote false reports about me to the boss, and instead of checking to see whether or not the reports were true or not, he decided to believe the staff and I got unfairly fired because of it.) and my mom was really upset, seeing me day in and day out for weeks and weeks, without a job. During that gruesome time, I must've filled out about 20-30 job application forms at various places and a lot of those places turned me down because of different reasons ( you're too old, you're not attractive, we're full and can't hire any more people, we're already overstaffed, etc.).

I would feel much better if my mother had a nurse or some other competent health care person to take care of her when I'm at work and can't be with her but mom is totally against the idea. She hates the idea of a stranger (that's how she views them) taking care of her. What she really wants is for my brother to take care of her but he could care less about her. He only cares about his girlfriend, his friends and having fun all of the time. He's never at home during the daytime. He only comes home really late at night ( at around 1 or 2 a.m in the morning with his girlfriend by his side and they immediately proceed to his bedroom and lock themselves in there until morning.) I really feel for my mother. She always looks sad and longingly at my brother, wanting him to just smile at her or just ask her how she is and it never happens.

I had a good three hour class with my students today. They're really nice girls, and diligent students.

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I was looking at Youtube videos today and saw an excellent video about how bereaved people feel. It is the only video I've seen so far that perfectly explains how I feel after I lost Larry- the shock, the unexpected death, never being able to hear or see him anymore, him not being a part of my life anymore, etc. The video ended by saying that our deceased loved ones are still with us. We just can't see them, that's all. Thank goodness I am a firm believer in the afterlife and that spirit survives death, otherwise this whole bereavemnet process would be much more difficult for me than it already is. Two days ago, an orange butterfly flew past my face. I think that was Larry saying hello to me.

Yesterday, thank goodness, I had a day off because my British student had undergone a head surgery ( to get a piece of bullet out of the back of his head that he had gotten during the war) last week on Friday and is still in the hospital recovering. His faithful and loving wife is by his side day in and day out in the hospital , taking care of him. I know he'll be okay. He's a strong person (inside). Unexpectedly, I got another day off today because my students cancelled. My afternoon students cancelled because they have to do some group projects for uni and my evening students cancelled because one of them is ill and needs to rest at home.

Last week, I made a wish that I have at least two days a week off from work. Well, looks like the universe heard me because my students are cancelling (unexpectedly) this week and that is great because I really need the rest. As much as I love teaching, I really don't want to teach every single second of my living existence. I need to have fun, rest and relax sometimes. Life is too short to always be working all of the time. Also, I need time to take care of my mom. I can't be working all of the time and take care of my mom at the same time. I'm getting older and older and I don't have a whole bunch of energy to do two things at the same time. If I work the whole day (morning till evening), I don't have that much energy to take care of my mom in the evening and at night. I mean, I do it anyway just not in an energy packed way. I just hope that one day, when I'm elderly and ill, someone will take care of me (willingly) just like I'm taking care of my mom now. I just hope that I won't be elderly, ill and totally alone with no one taking care of me. If that does happen, though, I will just grin and bear it and drag myself to the doctor's office when it's necessary.

I watched the movie 2012 a couple of days ago. I hope the world doesn't have to face the earthquakes, floods and other natural disasters I saw in that movie. That would be really sad and upsetting. I mean I know that what is meant to happen, will happen. I just hope it doesn't happen like that.

I have fully enjoyed my two days off, window shopping, walking around and eating in various food places, surfing on the net, etc. Thank you Universe, for making my wish come true !