Totally Transparent Nok

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Today, the weather is warm and it's Friday. For me, it doesn't matter what day of the week it is because I work every day ( Monday-Sunday)...... I kid you not !!!! I teach private classes and group classes ( mostly privates) at two schools. I guess I do enjoy my work because I really don't want any other job except teaching. It does keep me busy ( lesson preparations, giving advice and helping the students after class, buying new textbooks, etc.). Right now, being very busy is very important to me because my best friend, Larry passed away 2 months ago and the only way I can alleviate my inner pain is to keep busy and fill up my days with as much activity as possible ( working, reading novels, watching t.v. programs, listening to the radio, spending more time with my hobbies, etc. ).

About 4-5 months ago, my beloved pet, Jum-Jim died. He was a Greek dog: small, long white hair, little, round eyes......ooohhhhh, he was adorable and such a sweet personality to go along with it as well. He even loved strangers ! He would go up to them, wag his tail and play with them. Jum-Jim was with me for about 10 years and when he died, I felt like a part of me had died along with him. I thought my pet's death was bad enough but then my best friend died a few months after that. As you can see, it hasn't been a very good year for me so far but I hope it gets better. Well, I suppose it can't get any worse because this is already December and the last month of the year. I hope next year fares better for me.

Anyway, more about me, later.

[nok]

It's Saturday and I had to substitute for my Head Teacher's classes ( he's in another province with his brothers, sisters and friends for the anniversary of his parents' death. It's a ceremony where the ashes of his deceased parents, which are put in nice looking, closed goblets, are prayed and chanted over so their souls will reach heaven smoothly ). So, today I taught from 9:30 a.m. until 3:30 p.m. with a 1 hour break in between (12-1 p.m. for lunch ). That is a looooong time , believe me. I had a little bit over 30 students in one classroom with no microphones so I had to teach the lesson to them by shouting for several hours. Now, my vocal cords feel like they've been overused and need a break !

After class, a student asked me for advice about going for a job interview and she wasn't sure how to prepare for it , so I talked to her for about half an hour about interview preparation. Lately, students seem to be asking me for advice quite a bit. I don't know why. Maybe I look like the motherly type or something.

Since this is the weekend, not many teachers showed up for teaching today. During the afternoon, it was just me and this really tall, artistic looking ( long disheveled hair, leather shoes with no socks, faded, wide blue jeans and plain long sleeved shirt with rolled up sleeves) teacher. he said that he peeked into my room and saw there were a lot of students. Other teachers seem to like to peek into my room and I'm always unaware of them. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm so "into" my teaching that I'm totally unaware of anything else except for my lessons, the students, and the whiteboard. I guess I'm like that. I can "block" things out without even realising it.

This morning my mother was moody and had a big frown on her face. She was brushing the leaves that fell from the trees in the front yard and wasn't in a good mood. But then she's never in a good mood when I'm around ( I was never her favorite child no matter how hard I tried to please her. My brother is " the apple of her eye" though. In her eyes, he can do no wrong. ) I was in a rush during the morning, though and didn't have time to ask her , "Mom, what's wrong < again> ?".

Thank goodness I have so many pictures of my deceased friend Larry. Looking at the pictures almost makes me feel as though he's still with me, in a way. I still talk to him every day, wishing him Good Morning when I wake up, briefing him on my day's events and saying Good Night to him at night. I don't know if he can hear me or not but I still want to talk to him anyway.

Enough for now. See you soon, amigo.

[nok]

Today is Sunday, December 7, 2008. I used to go to Church every single Sunday but that was a long time ago. So long ago, in fact, that I really don't remember the reason why I stopped going to church. All I remember is that as each Sunday passed by and I didn't attend the services for that week, it got easier not to go to church and do other stuff instead or just resting at home and having a quiet Sunday. Maybe one day I will go to Church again every Sunday like before. I don't know.

Today was great because I got to wake up late ( 10:00 a.m.). I seem to need a lot of rest lately because when my body feels tired, it feels very, very tired and seems like it's screaming at me, " I need more rest ! Now gimme more rest ! Now ! " I'm not really a morning person so if I get to wake up late, GREAT ! I love it !

I do admire early birds and morning people , though because it seems like they get more things done each and every day than me. When I do wake up, it seems like I'm always rushing to get a lot of things done at the same time but then, that's just me.

When I took a shower this morning, the water was super cold ( I don't know why) so it woke me up pretty quickly. After that, I definitely wasn't sleepy anymore.

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While having a McDonald's big breakfast , the strangest thing happened to me. There was this little girl running around the restaurant and then she stopped at the table right in front of me and stared at me. I stared back at her. She said 'What's your problem?" I was tempted to say "You " but then I saw her mother walking towards her and decided not to say anything.

The mother apologized to me and tried to scoop up the child in her arms but the kid shouted at her and wouldn't let her. I thought, even the kid's own mother can't control her. Wow ! What's she going to be like when she grows up ? She can't be more than 5 years old and she's already a pain in the neck , disturbing total strangers like this.

When things like this happen to me, I start questioning myself. I start thinking, "Is there something wrong with my outer appearance and that's why the kid was staring at me?, Was it the way I was dressed ? , Was it my face? , etc. " I think the reason why I'm this way is because I have such low self esteem in the first place so that when people act wierd towards me or say something negative about me, I start questioning myself instead of the other person. Instead of me thinking there's something wrong with the other person, I usually think there's something wrong with me. I didn't always used to have such low self esteem. It was caused by a lot of negative people and a lot of negative situations that made my self confidence crumble layer by layer until it became an extremely thin layer that can easily be broken into.

[nok]

Time goes by soooo fast ! Faster than a speeding bullet, faster than a Japanese train, faster than an angry cheetah.... no, that's not Superman...... that's Time. This is already the second week of December and I see Christmas decorations in the department stores ( gaily decorated Christmas trees, colored lights strewn on the windows of the malls, fake snow on Christmas pictures, etc. ........ Lovely !, Just Lovely ! ) .

While I was having breakfast this morning, I saw some of my students eating in the same fast food outlet as me. I joined them and we had a nice chat together. They were waiting for their friend, who was late. They're teenagers but they're nice and polite ( that's hard to find these days ! ).

They can't show up for classes next week because one of them is going to a meditational retreat and become a nun for a couple of days. She says she's interested in knowing how to meditate the proper way and she needs a teacher to start her off properly with her meditations. Her friend commented that the retreat is near a highway so how is she going to be able to have enough peace and quiet in order to meditate ?

Thank goodness I didn't see that wierd little girl again this morning ! I wouldn't mind it if I never saw her again.

My insomnia is getting worse. Now, I sleep after 4:00 a.m. in the morning and get up at 8:00 a.m. I don't feel tired or drowsy, though. I feel quite okay.

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I called up one of my colleagues ( also a teacher) on her cell phone at 9:00 p.m. last night. I try to call at times when I know for sure that she's free to talk to me ( such as lunchtime, late night, etc. ). She's a schoolteacher and I know that she's at school the whole day so no use calling her "whenever."

It turned out that she's at winter camp with her students and since it was late at night, they were having a night gathering together and the kids were having a great time . I could hear them over the phone ( the laughter, shouts, hollering in unison, etc.) . I enjoy talking to my colleagues because sometimes they have different viewpoints than me and I like listening to their thoughts and ideas. I know that I am not always right so it's great to brainstorm together and see what others think. In the past, I totally trusted myself and solved problems on my own. Now I know that it's best to ask for others' opinions and then decide on the best solution for myself.

We had a nice phone conversation about one of the schools that we're both teaching at and my colleague friend is really straightforward so it's fun talking to her. This is the first time I've called her up ( not because I don't want to talk to her but in the past, I was rejected by so many people that I finally gave up being the first to make a move when it comes to friendships ). Usually, she's the one who calls me. Not that it matters who calls whom.

I'm usually not "into" using the cell phone when having friendly chats with people because it's so expensive but sometimes when the person you want to talk to is in the middle of a forest camping, driving on the road, sitting in a bus, etc., you really don't have a choice when it comes to reaching them. Regular phones are so much cheaper to use.

[nok]

Today was a really bad day for me. I had to do a very, very difficult thing ( for me, anyway) : I quit one of the two jobs that I'm working at right now.

I've been there for quite a while, gave it everything I had and than some more, sacrificed my free time and vacations in order to substitute for the other teachers that couldn't show up, did extra tasks in order to help out the boss ( such as making tests for classes that other teachers were teaching but didn't have time to make their own tests, going downstairs and asking the staff for extra copies of sheets even though it's the students' job to ask for additional sheets, etc.) so you can imagine how difficult it was for me to tell the school this morning that I'm quitting. Anyway, I did it and now it's finished. I know I did the right thing but I still feel quite sad because I'm kind of attached to the place and the people there: that happens to me when I work at a place for kind of a long time. It just kind of grows on me and becomes a part of me.

I think the receptionist who took my call this morning was a bit surprised. After I told her I wasn't coming in to work anymore, she said, " What did you say ? " kind of like she didn't hear right so I repeated the same statement to her again.

I know I've done the right thing by quitting because I haven't gotten my salary there for like 5 months now ( yes..... you heard me right. Five months.). The boss said that the school wasn't doing well and they didn't have any money to pay the teachers and that this was just a temporary problem that would last only 1-2 months. So, I stayed for 2 months, working there without any salary. The third month, the boss said that the economic crises was taking its toll on the school, the fourth month, he said next month everybody will get paid for sure and the fifth month ( which is this month), he avoided mentioning anything about money except to say that the school was reducing its tution fees so that all the teachers would get their salaries but so far, nothing. I thought, well, it's been 5 months already so enough is enough. The work load at school is very heavy, I have to do a lot of lesson preparations, I spend several hours at the school, I have about a hundred students, I have to conduct 4+ classes weekly, teach everyday, etc. so, enough is enough. It's time to say bye-bye to this crappy school and stop wasting time doing so much work and not getting paid for it. To make matters worse, the boss keeps piling me up with more classes and more work ( as if I'm not doing enough work for him already ! ) . It's almost as if he's forgotten that I haven't been paid for 5 months now. I have pretty much lost a lot of respect for him as it is.

I know I did the right thing so why do I feel so sad ? Why is it everytime I stand up for myself and do the right thing, I always feel so sad ?

Since I quit, nobody at the school has called me up to say goodbye or to wish me well so that makes me even sadder. It's like everything that I did and everything that I sacrificed for the school is meaningless to them. The boss hasn't even called me to apologize for lack of payments.

[nok]

I watched the movie "Twilight". Ever since I saw the movie poster of it with vampire Edward and lovely, sweet Bella on it and saw the caption "If you could live forever, what would you live for ?", I thought, "Oh my gosh, this is definitely a movie I want to watch. This is really my kind of movie : romance, excitement, suspense, a happy ending..... yes, this is definitely for me !!!

I watched it the first day that it came out. There weren' t a lot of people in the theatre. I guess that was because it was a weekday and it wasn't a holiday or anything like that. I must admit, I really loved it !!!!! There wasn't anything about it that I didn't like. I liked how Edward was so protective of Bella and treated her so well. I liked how Bella accepted Edward exactly as he was and didn't try to change him. I liked how she didn't mind that he was a vampire.

I wish they would make more movies like this. Before "Twilight", I hadn't watched any movies for a very, very long time now because I was so ridiculously busy with work, bereavement, taking care of my elderly mother, etc.

Other than "Twilight", I really liked the movie "Titanic." I guess I kind of like movies that have romance in which the couple's love goes unscathed " no matter what the weather."

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Yesterday evening, I bought a small Christmas tree and decorations at a nearby shopping center. When I went back home, I decorated it and it was just soooo cute ! I love Christmas trees, glittery ornaments, flashing colored lights, etc. - it just seems to make the season Merry and Bright.

Lately, I've been having nightmares- I don't know why. Two nights ago, I was looking out of the window ( in my dream) and I saw this HUGE white tiger walking on the streets. There were people walking on the streets near it and the tiger opened up his mouth wide and put a young girl in its mouth. She was talking on her cell phone and was totally oblivious as to what was happening to her. However. as soon as she realized that she was in the tiger's mouth, she panicked but it was too late. End of dream.

Last night, another nightmare. I was in a small convenience store ( kind of like a 7 eleven) and a man came in. As soon as I saw him, I knew he would cause trouble in that store. The lights went off and I was soooo scared. I didn't know what was going to happen in the dark and then I woke up.

Not being an expert in dream interpretation but knowing myself better than anyone else knows me, I would say that these two dreams relate to my job situation. The HUGE tiger is symbolic of the big school that I'm teaching at. In the beginning, I thought it was a cool place to work in ( hence the beauty and confidence of the tiger). However, I was oblivious as to the "real situation" of the school ( like the girl in my dream that was oblivious to the tiger near her. ) When I found out what was really going on in the school, it was just too late ( like the girl found out she was in the mouth of the tiger and it was too late for her to do something about it ). The school had "eaten me up ". In other words, it had taken advantage of me and it was too late to reverse the situation.

AS for the convenience store in my dream, that is also symbolic of the same school that I'm working in, in which I feel like I'm groping around in the dark and I'm scared as to the " stableness" of the school. Is it really safe for my future to be here ? In my dream, I'm scared of the man who enters into the store. This represents me being "scared" of the owner of the school because of his unpredictableness and not being "out in the open" ( hence the darkness of the store in my dream when the lights suddenly went out) with issues pertaining to the school with the teachers there, hence the teachers don't really know what's going on there ( just like in the dream, I had no idea what was going to happen in the dark.)

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It's finally Christmas Day ! My, how time flies !!!! I would like to wish everyone who reads this post a Merry Christmas and a Very Happy New Year ! May all your wishes come true in the coming year. And for all of you who didn't have such a great year this year, I do hope and pray that next year will be a better year for you.

Now that it's almost New Year's, I would like to write down all of the things that I'm grateful for which happened to me this year ( 2008), so here goes :

I'm sooooo grateful that....

1. I'm still working at a cute little school in the mall and my boss is a down-to-earth person.

2. my friend Larry ( who's now an angel in Heaven) came through for me twice through a medium.

3. the morning that my beloved dog and faithful companion of over 10 years passed away, he immediately came into my dream, wagging his tail and letting me know that he was now okay.

4. I found a cute little Christmas tree with decorations to put into my room. I looooove Christmas trees ( I don't know why, but I do !)

5. I had time to watch the movie "Twilight" when it came to a theatre near me. What an awesome movie that was ! I loved it !

6. I wasn't unemployed this year. I had teaching work to do the entire year.

7. even though I was alone pretty much this entire year ( because people who see me are turned off by my ugliness and they avoid me), I've gotten used to it and being alone all of the time doesn't really bother me anymore. Getting over being alone is a big hurdle that I've managed to overcome, thank goodness !!!!

8. even though I was very sick this year ( burning urine, very high fever that wouldn't go down, continuous fatigue, abnormal menstrual cycle, etc.), I'm much better now so I'm grateful for my health.