Billy The Kid

[Frederick]

My eyes stung as I rolled over, and tried to go back to sleep, ignoring the noise, but it was hopeless. As most most mornings, I'd been up from the crack of dawn, but these past few days were beginning to wear me down. Being tied up in the film industry does have its benefits though. I've seen most of the top stars during my time - Charlton Heston, Yul Bryner, Julie Andrews to name a few. I've never starred in any of the films of course, but I've always ignored the film set and just got on with my job. Trouble is, there's no real home life. You're always on the move. I had to be trained, of course, not to look at the film crew, and ignore the camera, lights and other paraphanalia that went with it. Then you had to contend with the heavy gang screaming "Up youe end, Bill..." while you were trying to get some shut eye. Worse than that, though, was the ingratiating voice of our gaffer, Tom Arliss. God, talk of the Devil, and there he was. I tried desperately to block out the noise, but he'd found me. "Bill-eee, Bill-eee. Come on lazy bones," he said, poking me in the ribs. "I want you to meet somebody - Billy, meet Daisy. Show her the ropes." And with that, he was gone. I glanced across at Daisy, and groaned inwardly. This was hopeless. OK, so acting is in my blood, but it stood out a mile, my sidekick had never even seen a film set, let alone had any acting experience. Kept looking at the equipment, nervous as a kitten, jumped three feet into the air if anything landed by her. I was going to have my hands full, but in the end, I managed to teach her the ropes. I didn't think much of her at first, but over the months we became an item. In the end, she moved in with me. Well, things took their natural course, and well, there's me with four kids in tow, all following suit.
We've been in score of films, adverts, photo shoots. I'm getting too old for this sort of business, so I tend to take things easy.
The daftest thing though, is Tom Arliss keeps calling me Billy the Kid. As anybody knows, Billy the Kid was clean shaven, whereas I've got a beard to be proud of. Once a week the resident hairdresser trims it for me. I've always had it, which is natural. I mean, let's face it, when was the last time you saw a clean-shaven Billy Goat?

[abbey]

You're ba-a a-d