Honourable New Year.

[retepsnikrep]

Old Year's Day Evening means about six o'clock p.m. on 31st December. I will soon be ready to put into effect my New Year's Resolutions. I do it all the time though. I 'resolve' at every natural break. Every month on New Month's Day, every week on New Week's Day, and every day when I wake up. This is called New Day's Day. 'Resolution' is too strong a description for these events. 'Vague Plans' would be better, it is no good being too strict with oneself. No one would want a smoke detector connected to a belt of dynamite to aid giving up smoking. The only really firm resolution I have, and this is triggered by their annual announcement on New Year's Day, is to continue my devastating campaign against the New Year's Honours List and Honours in general. My campaign has as yet been unsuccessful but I will scathe them every year until they stop.

The New Years Honours List is an undignified scattering of crumbs from our top table at Buckingham Palace. I wouldn't peck one up. Naturally I'm quite safe in this as I shall never be offered one unless Charles is an avid reader of my essays on the net. 'Check the Computer thingy Jeeves, see if Perkins has done anything new this morning.'

There are various horrible aspects of these crumbs. M.B.E and C.B.E and O.B.E. Think what it means, the British Empire was not that laudable. M.B.E. is Member of the No Right to be There and Doesn't Exist Anymore Anyway. C.B.E. is Companion of Shooting Natives armed with Sticks. O.B.E. is Order of Attacking and Occupying Foreign Countries.

There must be a pecking order of these Honours, but I don't know what it is. I guess M.B.E is better that C.B.E as in the first case you actually belong, but a Companion has to go to wherever they go with someone else. In any case I thought I was a member of the British Empire, I live here. I suppose I am just a Member of England.

Lets look at why some of these awards are made. I note that a Mr Craggs (C.B.E.) is 'noted for enigmatic wooden heaps'. So was I when I knocked down a shed. There is a trainer of butlers (O.B.E.) which keeps up the old tradition of subservience, and a Toastmaster (M.B.E.), which is similar to a butler but louder. Three workers for the Queen at Sandringham have been honoured this year. I only know of this region but I dare say it is repeated at Balmoral and Windsor, and plenty more at Buck House. If the same proportion of the general public were honoured as the Queen's employees, there would be about six million of us. Never mind. Serves them right.

Foreigners are not allowed to be honoured properly, poor devils, but it can be done by bestowing on them a purely honorary honour. Fair enough.

Oh yes. Happy New Year.

Peter