Ask Uncle Kram almost nothing

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Mon Feb 06, 2006 2:01 pm

Clancy wrote: Dear Unc

If our esteemed member, Valerie visited Newcastle, on February 14th ... and ordered up a Greek casserole in a restaurant, then drowned the waiters by pushing them into the river, could that be called.....

Val in Tynes day Moussaka

I bow to your genius Clancy :wah:

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Thu Feb 09, 2006 4:51 pm

Clancy wrote: Dear Unc

If our esteemed member, Valerie visited Newcastle, on February 14th ... and ordered up a Greek casserole in a restaurant, then drowned the waiters by pushing them into the river, could that be called.....

Val in Tynes day Moussaka

If a chap who had a keen interest in birds of prey liked to vacuum his apartment at night with the lights out, could that be called

Hawk/Kestral Man Hoovers In The Dark...?

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Thu Feb 09, 2006 4:53 pm

If a man had a job as an inspector of fire escapes, and his hobby was collecting jewellery trinkets which he kept in his basement, could it be called

The Charm-Cellar of the Exit Checker....?

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Thu Feb 09, 2006 5:03 pm

SnoozeControl wrote: I need to make a wav file of me screaming in agony, don't I?

No need - I can hear you all the way over here:wah:

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Thu Feb 09, 2006 6:39 pm

What if ?

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 12:34 am

Nomad wrote: What if ?

Well if that scenario were to present itself, and I suppose it could happen, heaven help us all :-3

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 12:36 am

Clipper wrote: Yo Unk.........Post a pic of the infamous Snooze boob willya.........

I haven't got it Clipper,but if you could talk me through it, I will endeavour to sketch a photo-fit for identification purposes

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 11:44 am

As he started me off, this one's for Clancy

A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid.

"Certainly Sir," says Jervaise the waiter, "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?"

"I'll have that little green one with the moustache" says the customer.

"Oh no!" replies Jervaise "but he's my favourite! - He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"

"No" says the customer "It's got to be that one".

So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ....... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin!

"It's no good", says Jervaise, "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed."

So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and...... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him.

The moral?

.

.

.

.

Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid.

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 12:01 pm

.........That's a classic Unc. !!!

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 1:05 pm

Is being color blind a job requirement for hotel room decorators???:-2

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 1:49 pm

This thread is frustrating me !

I can't think of nothing to ask !

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 1:56 pm

ArnoldLayne wrote: Must be an English thing. Its from an old commercial

Hands that do dishes are as soft as your face, with Mild Green Fairy Liquid

I could sing it in a wav file if you like

DO IT ARNOLD

But wait until I'm wearing my incontinence pads:D

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 1:56 pm

ArnoldLayne wrote: Thats almost enough

When is enough not enough though ?

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 1:57 pm

ArnoldLayne wrote: Thats almost enough

But not quite :sneaky:

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 2:08 pm

ArnoldLayne wrote: I bought a dozen oysters today but only eleven worked . Should I get my money back ?

You obviously didn't pay them enough !

StupidCowboyTricks · Post by **StupidCowboyTricks** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 2:10 pm

ArnoldLayne wrote: I bought a dozen oysters today but only eleven worked . Should I get my money back ?

How many clams did you pay?

were you using them as an aphrodisiac Arnold?:D

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 2:44 pm

ArnoldLayne wrote: I bought a dozen oysters today but only eleven worked . Should I get my money back ?
Depends how much you had to shell out. I'm led to believe that oysters are like bogies but without the taste. Are you able to verify this pearl of wisdom Arnold?

StupidCowboyTricks · Post by **StupidCowboyTricks** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 3:20 pm

ArnoldLayne wrote: You'll be needing new batteries for that Ninpundo.

Its a strange coincidence because often bogies can be like whelks. I was told once that oysters taste of "where they come from". I am relieved to say , the same premise does not apply to eggs

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 4:07 pm

ArnoldLayne wrote: Which bit do you need a translation for ?

She's just egging you on Arnold

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 4:29 pm

What if ?

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 4:47 pm

Nomad wrote: What if ?

I have already NOT answered that Nomad

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 4:53 pm

is it possible to un-answer a question ?

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 4:59 pm

Was Jimi Hendrix really the great guitarist all seem to claim ?

I think he was a technical master but his music lacked soul, or at least my version of it, an example of soulful guitar would be Carlos Santana.

His music also lacked composition, it was more improvisational and less melodic in a full music listening sense.

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 4:59 pm

Bez wrote: is it possible to un-answer a question ?

Yes Bez, but first I must receive an application written in the blood of a nobleman requesting permission for you to un-ask the question

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 5:04 pm

Nomad wrote: Was Jimi Hendrix really the great guitarist all seem to claim ?

I think he was a technical master but his music lacked soul, or at least my version of it, an example of soulful guitar would be Carlos Santana.

His music also lacked composition, it was more improvisational and less melodic in a full music listening sense.

Old James Marshall Hendrix, the paratrooping virtuoso was of course massively influential and I for one am rather fond of his output.

The greatest guitarist?...... Probably would have been if he could only have managed to play his instrument the right way round and not upside down :guitarist

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 5:29 pm

How many Gold Medals for the Chzek womens turd throwing relay ?

StupidCowboyTricks · Post by **StupidCowboyTricks** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 6:48 pm

StupidCowboyTricks wrote: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArnoldLayne

You'll be needing new batteries for that Ninpundo.

Its a strange coincidence because often bogies can be like whelks. I was told once that oysters taste of "where they come from". I am relieved to say , the same premise does not apply to eggs

all of it.

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 7:12 pm

Lots of people are arguing on here lately.

Can you tell me if this is because there is a full moon, a new moon, a blue moon or because the moon is made of cheese??

ALSO, will you be opening a betting book so we can start laying down some odds??? :wah:

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 7:16 pm

When is Snoozer going to start one of these "Ask Snooze anything" threads?

And does Snoozer snore when she's snoozing?

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 7:51 pm

There are clubs for members with thousands of points.

There are clubs for members who are pink and fluffy

There are clubs for members who like to hug...

So can you pleeeeeeaase start a club for low-pointed, noodle-headed, un-clique-y wannabees, which is those of us

(well okay, mee) who have more hair than brains. Thankee kindly, Unk.

I thought we could be called the 'mouldy catch'! Whaddaya think??

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 9:05 pm

An anti-clique clique? Won't that tear a hole in the space-clique contiuum?

StupidCowboyTricks · Post by **StupidCowboyTricks** » Fri Feb 10, 2006 10:39 pm

Accountable wrote: An anti-clique clique? Won't that tear a hole in the space-clique contiuum?

*CLICK*

:D

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Sat Feb 11, 2006 2:24 am

Nomad wrote: How many Gold Medals for the Chzek womens turd throwing relay ?

Well initially there was great euphoria in the Czech camp as they appeared to have garnered 4 much sought after Gold Medals.

This excitement was however, short lived following intervention by the judges who decided to disqualify them for 2 reasons

1. One of the turds thrown had inadvertantly struck a spectator which caused a furore. In fact it was claimed that the sh*t had hit the fan

2. They didn't accept Czechs

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Sat Feb 11, 2006 2:31 am

Rapunzel wrote: Lots of people are arguing on here lately.

Can you tell me if this is because there is a full moon, a new moon, a blue moon or because the moon is made of cheese??

ALSO, will you be opening a betting book so we can start laying down some odds??? :wah:

Well I hope this isn't a war of attrition and that the dust will settle. I don't do controversy and others put things much better than I could anyway.

All I will say is that I am hurting for those who are hurting so big hugs to them.

I think it may have been thrown out of balance by the conspicuous absence of Alfie Moon

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Sat Feb 11, 2006 2:41 am

Rapunzel wrote: There are clubs for members with thousands of points.

There are clubs for members who are pink and fluffy

There are clubs for members who like to hug...

So can you pleeeeeeaase start a club for low-pointed, noodle-headed, un-clique-y wannabees, which is those of us

(well okay, mee) who have more hair than brains. Thankee kindly, Unk.

I thought we could be called the 'mouldy catch'! Whaddaya think??

It's a very catchy name. Would you get a badge and monthly newsletters?.

By the way I've got less hair than brains and unfortunately, my brain aint that big

.

You could smuggle me in the back door though - couldn't you Rapunzel?

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Sat Feb 11, 2006 2:53 am

Big hugs to my friend Snooze.:yh_hugs

I was most disappointed on viewing your signature block to see that you are no longer offering sage advice.

This place won't be the same without it and I strongly urge you to do what you do best Snooze.

Unc x

In the meantime folks, this may help

http://healthyherbs.about.com/

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Sat Feb 11, 2006 3:22 am

mrsK wrote: So many herbs so little time.

Do they have a herb to get the smell of stinking ashtrays off your hands after cleaning them all afternoon?

I have washed my hands a bout 20 times & they still stink

You can't hurry these things - It just takes Thyme