Rape - Men Women
Rape - Men Women
Pursuant to the recent topic I'm interested in whether or not we could get any meaningful stats from an anonymous poll. Have you ever been raped, divided into men and women answering separately. Not just have you been but are you able to talk about it. Not to say I expect anyone to talk about it here. Just wondering if one gender is more open about it.
Rape - Men Women
This poll is a result of the thread about a serial male rapist here.
While waiting for more participants in the survey (and thank you to those who have already entered their answers) we might want to post some myths and facts about rape.
Myth: Men who rape other men are gay.
Fact: Rape is not about sexual preference or desire - it is an act of power and control. The motivation of the rapist is to humiliate and brutalize another person. A survey of convicted rapists found that at least half of these men did not care about the sex of their victims, they raped both men and women. Most male rapists are either heterosexual or suffer great confusion about their sexual identity.
While waiting for more participants in the survey (and thank you to those who have already entered their answers) we might want to post some myths and facts about rape.
Myth: Men who rape other men are gay.
Fact: Rape is not about sexual preference or desire - it is an act of power and control. The motivation of the rapist is to humiliate and brutalize another person. A survey of convicted rapists found that at least half of these men did not care about the sex of their victims, they raped both men and women. Most male rapists are either heterosexual or suffer great confusion about their sexual identity.
Rape - Men Women
Fact: Men can be and are sexually assaulted everyday. The FBI estimates that 1 in 10 males in Orange County will be sexually victimized in their lifetime.
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RedGlitter
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Rape - Men Women
Q: Does this poll take into account men who are violated by women? Or only men to men?
Rape - Men Women
RedGlitter;498918 wrote: Q: Does this poll take into account men who are violated by women? Or only men to men?
Rape is rape. By man or woman it counts.
eta: for that matter it would take into account women raped by women as well.
Rape is rape. By man or woman it counts.
eta: for that matter it would take into account women raped by women as well.
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Uncle Kram
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Rape - Men Women
As I'm only the 3rd contributor to this thread and so far 13 people have voted in the poll, clearly people are unable to comment on personal experience and I can fully understand why. I find the fact that out of those, 5 responded in a way I wouldn't want to hear quite alarming. My heart goes out to you all :yh_hugs
THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN PUN
Rape - Men Women
I'm not expecting a lot of replies just hoping for participants in the poll. It keeps the poll safer if people know they don't have to comment and that no one knows who was who.
Rape - Men Women
I found date rape to be more difficult to deal with because part of me wondered if it was my own fault.
Rape - Men Women
I imagine it went differently with mine sometimes but, in reality, I froze.
I didn't even accept that I'd been raped for a couple of years. Thought it didn't count because I'd agreed to go in the room with him.
I didn't even accept that I'd been raped for a couple of years. Thought it didn't count because I'd agreed to go in the room with him.
Rape - Men Women
Pinky;499141 wrote: Snooze, Koan, I know where you're coming from.
I just say that your experiences make you tougher as a person and far less likely to go through anything like it again.
There's stuff I'm ok talking about and there's stuff I'm not...same for all of us I guess. I know I'll wish I hadn't posted in this in the morning though.
Pinky, I really think being able to talk about this stuff is the only way out of the mental hell that people go through. I appreciate not only when people post a comment but when they fill out the poll. It's a big thing.
Thank you to everyone who participates.
I just say that your experiences make you tougher as a person and far less likely to go through anything like it again.
There's stuff I'm ok talking about and there's stuff I'm not...same for all of us I guess. I know I'll wish I hadn't posted in this in the morning though.
Pinky, I really think being able to talk about this stuff is the only way out of the mental hell that people go through. I appreciate not only when people post a comment but when they fill out the poll. It's a big thing.
Thank you to everyone who participates.
Rape - Men Women
SnoozeControl;499155 wrote: Well, I'm starting to wonder if there's something wrong with me for not being that upset about it. 
Not at all Snooze.
It happens. I understand when people have trouble talking about it though. That's why I hope people will answer the poll even if they don't want to talk about it.
Not at all Snooze.
It happens. I understand when people have trouble talking about it though. That's why I hope people will answer the poll even if they don't want to talk about it.
Rape - Men Women
The hardest thing for me, because it has happened a few times under various circumstances, was thinking that I was somehow bringing it upon myself. That it was some weird cycle that would continue until I figured it out. So I had the individual messed up reactions and the big picture confusion. Until someone finally pointed out that there were a lot of assholes in the world and I'd just happened to meet a few of them.
Life goes on. I rather revel in the fact that they didn't defeat me.
Life goes on. I rather revel in the fact that they didn't defeat me.
Rape - Men Women
If I hadn't talked about it, I'd never have figured that out.
Rape - Men Women
I do wish I had some satisfaction in having inflicted harm in return. I didn't. Not once.
But still all they wanted was power and they didn't get that from me. I went the opposite way and refused to show them that I was hurt.
But still all they wanted was power and they didn't get that from me. I went the opposite way and refused to show them that I was hurt.
Rape - Men Women
There are many ways to deal with rape. I really hope that threads like this and others help someone else. It's important to not feel alone. It's important to not let other people feel like they are alone.
Rape - Men Women
SnoozeControl;499254 wrote: I realize this will be an unpopular question, but it really does seem like you (Koan) would've realized after the first time that you were getting into a situation that left you vulnerable. Did it occur to you that you needed to protect yourself better?
You'd have to know the details for that question to be appropriate. And the answer is no.
You'd have to know the details for that question to be appropriate. And the answer is no.
Rape - Men Women
There's a difference between being vulnerable and choosing or carelessly allowing yourself to be vulnerable. I'll offer the thread two circumstances in which I had to cope with physical violation.
One was a direct consequence of living penniless on the streets as a teenager. The lack of control over one's environment in that case can't easily be exaggerated and anyone can simply end up in a defenceless position as I did.
The other is misplaced trust and it's a background risk for anyone who refuses to disengage from the world. The personal damage from the latter takes far longer to recover from. In my case it might have been seven years before I deliberately set the event aside and restarted any social interaction. I can recognise that even then my socializing was still touched by what had happened and probably still is.
People are going to have problems in their life regardless of how they got that way but rape is a big thing to get past.
One was a direct consequence of living penniless on the streets as a teenager. The lack of control over one's environment in that case can't easily be exaggerated and anyone can simply end up in a defenceless position as I did.
The other is misplaced trust and it's a background risk for anyone who refuses to disengage from the world. The personal damage from the latter takes far longer to recover from. In my case it might have been seven years before I deliberately set the event aside and restarted any social interaction. I can recognise that even then my socializing was still touched by what had happened and probably still is.
People are going to have problems in their life regardless of how they got that way but rape is a big thing to get past.
Nullius in verba ... ☎||||||||||| ... To Fate I sue, of other means bereft, the only refuge for the wretched left.
When flower power came along I stood for Human Rights, marched around for peace and freedom, had some nooky every night - we took it serious.
Who has a spare two minutes to play in this month's FG Trivia game! ... My other OS is Slackware.
When flower power came along I stood for Human Rights, marched around for peace and freedom, had some nooky every night - we took it serious.
Who has a spare two minutes to play in this month's FG Trivia game! ... My other OS is Slackware.
Rape - Men Women
No, you've not shut everyone up. This is one of those serious threads where posting "oh gosh you have my sympathy" is a seriously screwed-up reaction, that's all. I'm sure some of us have read your post, I'm sure a whole lot more people will read it in months and years to come, here and on its original forum. You went back to it and read it again yourself today. Writing it was an investment in several senses. The writing itself, I presume, changed you to some extent. I'm glad you put it here, it fits.
Nullius in verba ... ☎||||||||||| ... To Fate I sue, of other means bereft, the only refuge for the wretched left.
When flower power came along I stood for Human Rights, marched around for peace and freedom, had some nooky every night - we took it serious.
Who has a spare two minutes to play in this month's FG Trivia game! ... My other OS is Slackware.
When flower power came along I stood for Human Rights, marched around for peace and freedom, had some nooky every night - we took it serious.
Who has a spare two minutes to play in this month's FG Trivia game! ... My other OS is Slackware.
Rape - Men Women
Magenta flame;499454 wrote: Well, it's seems I've just shut everybody up:wah:
That's really well written, Magenta.
It's a wonderful method of telling the story. I look at the past with a similar type of detachment. I'm glad the 27 year old failed to kill herself.
That's really well written, Magenta.
It's a wonderful method of telling the story. I look at the past with a similar type of detachment. I'm glad the 27 year old failed to kill herself.
Rape - Men Women
SnoozeControl;499528 wrote: You're right, and I don't need or want to know the details... I'm sure I spoke too hastily when I made my earlier comment, but I was basing it on the assumption that you were not a homeless person or a victim of child molestation.
I just know how I am, so that's all I can really base my opinion upon... and if I had encountered a situation that ended in a rape, I'd be very, VERY cautious/wary/paranoid that it didn't happen again. To the point that I'd carry pepper spray and possibly a very sharp weapon to poke in the bastard's eye if he ever attempted to lay hands on my person again.
Anyway, sorry if I offended you.
You epitomize the wrong response, Snooze. And you insist on continuing.
It's quite astonishing.
I think at this point you can assume your assumptions about me are wrong.
I just know how I am, so that's all I can really base my opinion upon... and if I had encountered a situation that ended in a rape, I'd be very, VERY cautious/wary/paranoid that it didn't happen again. To the point that I'd carry pepper spray and possibly a very sharp weapon to poke in the bastard's eye if he ever attempted to lay hands on my person again.
Anyway, sorry if I offended you.
You epitomize the wrong response, Snooze. And you insist on continuing.
It's quite astonishing.
I think at this point you can assume your assumptions about me are wrong.
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cherandbuster
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Rape - Men Women
Koan, kudos to you for starting this thread. This is one of the most thought-provoking ones we've had in awhile.
Snooze, I understand how you reacted to your situation. I might have reacted the same way. Self-protection, both mentally and physically.
And also Koan, I love the way you said that you've not let it 'defeat' you. Excellent attitude
Magenta flame, I *loved* your writing. I'm so sad that you are the female you were writing about. Seems like you've come a long way, girl :-6
Snooze, I understand how you reacted to your situation. I might have reacted the same way. Self-protection, both mentally and physically.
And also Koan, I love the way you said that you've not let it 'defeat' you. Excellent attitude
Magenta flame, I *loved* your writing. I'm so sad that you are the female you were writing about. Seems like you've come a long way, girl :-6
Live Life with
PASSION!:guitarist
PASSION!:guitarist
Rape - Men Women
There are a lot of different circumstances that can lead up to and surround a rape. Everybody is different and reactions can vary. For anyone who is trying to support a victim of rape I found the following advice was written quite well. I'm disappointed it was written only about women and am looking for advice for supporting men through the same process. Meantime, it can be read by substituting male for female where necessary.
How to Support
Rape and sexual assault happen far more often than the police statistics and newspaper articles indicate.
The rapist often uses a lot of physical violence and verbal intimidation. He may do very intimidating or humiliating things to the woman and he may be a man who the woman knows. He could be a friend, neighbour, workmate or relative for example.
Most of us are shielded from knowing what rape is really all about until it happens to us or to someone we are close to.
When a woman is assaulted she may react in many different ways.
Some women scream, some fight back, very many go quiet and still – too frightened to cry out or to get away. Others make the decision to allow it to happen in the hope of getting away without any more violence. The methods used by the rapist to overcome a woman may also vary. He may have, or claim to have a weapon. He may use, or threaten to use physical violence against her or her family or he may overcome her by sheer size.
Most men are bigger and heavier than most women, and perhaps, more importantly, they know how to use physical violence, when women usually do not.
The reactions of some women after having being raped can also vary a lot.
Some are hysterical, some silent and withdrawn, some act very calmly.
Different women have different ways of reacting to an experience which will not only have been painful and terrifying but which will probably have affected her whole life by taking away her feelings of safety and trust. If a woman is not sobbing or distressed, that does not mean that she is not upset. She may be too shocked to face up to what has happened, or may be forcing her feelings under the surface because she is afraid of losing control completely once she lets them out.
So it is important to take her seriously, to believe what she tells you, and to be prepared to hear shocking and upsetting details.
Don’t cast doubt on what she tells you, she will probably already have met a lot of disbelief from other people, and needs to be listened to by someone who accepts the truth of what she is saying. It is important to be accepting of the way she is reacting. She may want to repeat details again and again or she might not want to tell you anything at first but then she lets it all spill out long afterwards.
The way she reacts might not be what you expect. Most women develop difficulties in all sorts of parts of their lives. They might find it impossible to go to work, for instance, or find it hard to deal with their children.
It is best to try to get rid of any ideas you have of how raped women ‘should’ behave, and to accept her reactions are normal.
Any reactions are normal.
source
How to Support
Rape and sexual assault happen far more often than the police statistics and newspaper articles indicate.
The rapist often uses a lot of physical violence and verbal intimidation. He may do very intimidating or humiliating things to the woman and he may be a man who the woman knows. He could be a friend, neighbour, workmate or relative for example.
Most of us are shielded from knowing what rape is really all about until it happens to us or to someone we are close to.
When a woman is assaulted she may react in many different ways.
Some women scream, some fight back, very many go quiet and still – too frightened to cry out or to get away. Others make the decision to allow it to happen in the hope of getting away without any more violence. The methods used by the rapist to overcome a woman may also vary. He may have, or claim to have a weapon. He may use, or threaten to use physical violence against her or her family or he may overcome her by sheer size.
Most men are bigger and heavier than most women, and perhaps, more importantly, they know how to use physical violence, when women usually do not.
The reactions of some women after having being raped can also vary a lot.
Some are hysterical, some silent and withdrawn, some act very calmly.
Different women have different ways of reacting to an experience which will not only have been painful and terrifying but which will probably have affected her whole life by taking away her feelings of safety and trust. If a woman is not sobbing or distressed, that does not mean that she is not upset. She may be too shocked to face up to what has happened, or may be forcing her feelings under the surface because she is afraid of losing control completely once she lets them out.
So it is important to take her seriously, to believe what she tells you, and to be prepared to hear shocking and upsetting details.
Don’t cast doubt on what she tells you, she will probably already have met a lot of disbelief from other people, and needs to be listened to by someone who accepts the truth of what she is saying. It is important to be accepting of the way she is reacting. She may want to repeat details again and again or she might not want to tell you anything at first but then she lets it all spill out long afterwards.
The way she reacts might not be what you expect. Most women develop difficulties in all sorts of parts of their lives. They might find it impossible to go to work, for instance, or find it hard to deal with their children.
It is best to try to get rid of any ideas you have of how raped women ‘should’ behave, and to accept her reactions are normal.
Any reactions are normal.
source
Rape - Men Women
I wasent really sure what to think or say when i first seen the title of this thread, i doubted i could say anything of any purpose or help. I still feel that way. I just wanted those who had contributed to know that i respect you for discussing it, admire you for living through it & helping others come to terms with it. Of all the threads ive seen in my time here this one has reduced me to tears, tears of despair that you should have experienced this, that anyone could do this to you, how sick some people are & what truly amazing people you are & thank you for opening your heart enough to share it with us all. It seems we all go around blinkered to some degree that this goes on in the world, it happens to other people, people on the news ect.
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RedGlitter
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Rape - Men Women
I am not understanding the comments about not accepting people's sympathy. I'm not sure why offense has been taken. Surely you know the difference between sympathy and pity? I don't think anyone here pities any of you. You are not pathetic and don't deserve pity. But please understand that when sympathy is offered it doesn't victimize you. What the hell else would you want us to say about such a heinous act committed upon you or another??
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RedGlitter
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- Joined: Thu Dec 22, 2005 3:51 am
Rape - Men Women
Pinky;500224 wrote: Huh? I never said anything of the sort, just that I'm not comfortable with it.
I hate being seen as a victim or weak in anyway, it's just a foible of mine...it's my problem, so I don't expect others to cater to it. I just don't do vunerable very well.
Again, I know I'll want to kick myself in the head in the morning!
Oh, I'm sorry,PInky- I was referring to an earlier post, should have quoted it, Im sorry. I think it was Magenta who mentioned not needing sympathy. I do see that point but I see the other side more. My longest friend was raped at 18 and I had sympathy for her. I did not think less of her or think her being a victim- and she was- made her any less a person. My feeling badly for her did not take her power away. That's what I was referring to. 
I hate being seen as a victim or weak in anyway, it's just a foible of mine...it's my problem, so I don't expect others to cater to it. I just don't do vunerable very well.
Again, I know I'll want to kick myself in the head in the morning!
Oh, I'm sorry,PInky- I was referring to an earlier post, should have quoted it, Im sorry. I think it was Magenta who mentioned not needing sympathy. I do see that point but I see the other side more. My longest friend was raped at 18 and I had sympathy for her. I did not think less of her or think her being a victim- and she was- made her any less a person. My feeling badly for her did not take her power away. That's what I was referring to.
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RedGlitter
- Posts: 15777
- Joined: Thu Dec 22, 2005 3:51 am
Rape - Men Women
Pinky;500224 wrote: Huh? I never said anything of the sort, just that I'm not comfortable with it.
I hate being seen as a victim or weak in anyway, it's just a foible of mine...it's my problem, so I don't expect others to cater to it. I just don't do vunerable very well.
Again, I know I'll want to kick myself in the head in the morning!
Being a victim of something, especially rape, does not necessarily prove a person weak. I certainly don't think any less of you or anyone else here, having been told of your and their experiences. Try not to regret your posts, Pink. Say what you mean and hold up your head. :-6
I hate being seen as a victim or weak in anyway, it's just a foible of mine...it's my problem, so I don't expect others to cater to it. I just don't do vunerable very well.
Again, I know I'll want to kick myself in the head in the morning!
Being a victim of something, especially rape, does not necessarily prove a person weak. I certainly don't think any less of you or anyone else here, having been told of your and their experiences. Try not to regret your posts, Pink. Say what you mean and hold up your head. :-6