My 16 year old seems to be having problems.She might be cutting.?

steven · Post by **steven** » Fri Nov 30, 2007 11:36 am

I really don't want to ask, but I'm hoping to hear from other teens and parents who are going through the same.My 16 year old seems very distant and believes her parents don't care.She is starting small fires in her room and may be cutting herself.This is still to be confirmed.She suffers from panic attacks and is seeing a mental health physician at our hospital.She is due for her second appointment.I am sick with worry.She writes the most sad morbid poems,has no outside interest.She is the youngest of 3 and the only child left at home.She does go to school everyday but that's it.Grades are average.Has never been in trouble at home or with the law.Does not drink or do drugs. No evidence of it.She frowns on smoking and has no interest in boys at this time.How can I help her?I'm desperate.I just want her to be happy and see that not all is bad.She comes from a home where there is both parents who enjoy everything.Seeing the darkness that looms around her breaks my heart.

summerishere · Post by **summerishere** » Fri Nov 30, 2007 11:56 am

Hi Steven

I can empathise with what you are going through... my daughter is 15 and has been 'cutting' on and off for about 2 years now.... (although superficially - never needed stitches).

My advice to you about the possibility that she is 'cutting' would be to go through her room and remove anything that could be used to 'cut', thus making it harder for her to do it on the spur of the moment... ie - by the time she's found a sharp object to do it with... the anguish may have passed! So far as starting fires is concerned... you must ensure that she has no access to materials that could be used to start a flame. If necessary - you should search her.... she is putting hers and your lives in danger and you must stress that to her!

Have you tried to talk to her about her problems... she obviously has problems..... does she know that you are willing to listen to her and do you make yourself approachable and willing to listen.

Drugs..... I had NO IDEA that my daughter was taking drugs... but it turns out that she had been taking Ecstasy, Speed and cannabis for months before I found out... and drugs are potentially mind changing to some people..... can cause depression and low mood.....

My daughter was also writing dark poetry...... her eating was erratic.. she would either overeat or starve herself... and i've discovered that she has often made herself sick. She has lost about 2 stone in weight.... lost interest in going out, slept too much, her grades have dropped dramatically too.

I did get some help for her.... she is seeing a child psychiatrist and Social Services and a drugs group have been helping her with drugs counselling.... but she was so very depressed that a few weeks ago she jumped from her bedroom window and ended up in hospital; surprisingly she only had a few cuts and bruises.... but it was then that I realised the severity of her mental state.

Since then she has received more help and is in the third week of taking anti-depressants.... I am hoping that she starts to feel better soon.

I would advise you to try to get your daughter to open up... does she have a mentor at school that she trusts and would talk to? Please don't pussyfoot around..... she is in danger and she obviously is in need of serious help !!

I wish you much luck and strength !

summer x x

cars · Post by **cars** » Fri Nov 30, 2007 2:22 pm

Sorry to hear of your troubles steve & summer. Our daughter (12 at the time)too had the she was unwanted/not loved feeling problem. We didn't realize just how bad she felt untill one day we noticed she had big clumps of hair missing on both sides of her scalp. Come to find out, she was pulling out small amounts for weeks, that went un-noticed. Then one day the big clumps. She was in fact very much loved, & wanted, & we told her so often, but she had her own foolish thoughts. We of course took her for profesional help, & over time she confessed her inner thoughts to her (second) therapist. Who, again over time, was able to help her! You must stay on top of things now that you are aware that your kids have such thoughts/feelings! After a few months if you don't start to notice improvement, seek another theripist! We did, and the second one helped our daughter immensly! She is now grown with a 13 year old daughter of her own, who is (seems) happy & content!

Good luck to you both!

Chezzie · Post by **Chezzie** » Fri Nov 30, 2007 2:31 pm

Im sorry Steve and to you Summer and Cars to hear of your troubles.

I have no knowledge of what your going through and wouldnt even attempt to give you advice on it, especially as Summer and Cars are well experienced and offered you excellent advice.

Were a great friendly bunch that will listen to your troubles and strive to help in any we can.

Good luck and I wish your daughter inner peace and happiness:)

koan · Post by **koan** » Fri Nov 30, 2007 2:41 pm

Sorry to hear you're going through this.

I worked on a tv movie about this phenomenon and the show had a campaign to promote awareness. Thankfully I've not had to deal with cutting first hand.

What stands out in my mind was that people do it because they feel they can control their pain this way. I think it's important for kids to realise that, as crazy as life gets, they do how power over their environment and that there are better ways to cope with their frustrations. Empowerment seemed a huge factor missing from their lives.

I wish I had solutions to offer. Good for you, making the effort to learn more and get advice. I hope find what you need and you all manage to get through this safely.

Mia · Post by **Mia** » Fri Nov 30, 2007 3:39 pm

I am so sorry to read this Steve.You can never be sure your child does not take drugs.This came as a big shock to me when I found out my eldest son was.At sixteen she is very vulnerable,maybe had a crush on a boy who did not feel the same,Will she talk to her mum?It is so hard to cope with teenagers,but believe me you get through it,just make sure she knows you love her and are there for her,with luck she will open up to you.

watermark · Post by **watermark** » Fri Nov 30, 2007 8:06 pm

When I read your post and others here I just picked up the phone and called my 16 y.o. daughter. She's out with her friends and her car--yikes! She has been neglected due to lots of stuff and has been sort of acting out though things have settled down in the last six months or so.

I try to stay on top of things but it is difficult because (I think) she finds good things outside the family now that fills her lulls and gives her a sense of worth, however temporary they are. They are provided perhaps by peers, and truthfully, I'm not sure that these are exactly the best influences. The kids she hangs out with are good students with intact, non violent or not too dysfunctional households, lol, what is this world coming to :-5 but they have lots of kid strife and vacant periods, identity vacuums, etc, (normal things in the time we live that could make for a dangerous combo) that make it possible they would be exposing themselves to drug use and extreme ways to deal with problems. I never know exactly what my kids watch on TV or at the movies, listen to on the radio (though my daughter grabbed my John Denver cd a few months ago and fell in love with the music, which can't be too detrimental to her health :-6)

My advice, ah, what can I say. Nothin! Keep tabs on your daughter, follow her constantly for a few weeks if need be. Reinforce every little and big thing she is doing that shows positivity. I dont know how to support you really. I don't know what to say.

:-4 Erin

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Fri Nov 30, 2007 8:16 pm

Steven

I'm so sorry to hear this

You stated your daughter is the youngest of 3 and your only child at home , when did your other child move out? Your daughter could be having some anxiety over the move & 16/ teen years are difficult.. Have you thought of a mentor program ?

Big sisters - ? I feel if your daughter had some one to share with - sharing her thoughts - share her time, for movies, shopping, slumber party friend.

Perhaps she feels more alone - abandoned, instead of unloved..?

I'm no expert, but this is certainly a option

Please keep us posted - I wish you all the luck

Patsy

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Fri Nov 30, 2007 8:20 pm

Boy I wish I knew the answer. Your aware and that is step #1 just stay aware and as summerishere said check out everything. Being a teenager is difficult in todays world.

I had problems with my daughter when she was young. I was a single mom and I remember sleeping with one eye open all the time. You just have to be there for them no matter how bad it gets. My daughter is now 38 married and I have a beautiful 9 year old Granddaughter.

In most case it will get better I hope so for you and your daughter. Your care what happens to her that is what she needs to know.

steven · Post by **steven** » Mon Dec 03, 2007 12:18 pm

I am very aware this is a question that should not be taken lightly. My daughter is seeing a professional. I just want input on why or what goes through the mind of a teenager.And why would they do such things.She was always such a happy person, and I just want her back. I need to understand everything in order to help.So with the input of others I hope to gather information in such a matter that I don't ignore her well being.There is no shame in being informed. I would like to take this moment to thank everyone in advance .It's already been a terrific help.

koan · Post by **koan** » Mon Dec 03, 2007 2:52 pm

I always recommend this book to parents of adolescent girls. It's been around for awhile but it hasn't lost any of its relevence.

Reviving Ophelia

minks · Post by **minks** » Mon Dec 03, 2007 8:01 pm

16 is a frustrating time for teen girls. I see many good posts on advise. Yes keep up with the professional help. Cutting can be many things, and like already posted it's something she can control and at 16 it seems this is where girls begin to realize they are capable of controling some things but arent ready to control all things. In acts of frustration and anger towards parents (often an internal struggle) they will act out like that. Please please be firm with her about playing with fire. Gosh my daughter went through that stage and I finally had to get very harsh with her drive home things like a burnt down home leaves us in the streets.

Love her support her, listen to her. Its almost like a phase but it's a very worrisome phase that is incredibly frightening to see as a parent. And I am not meaning to make light of your situation.

steven · Post by **steven** » Thu Dec 06, 2007 2:30 am

Thanks for your all replies.