Contrary to some beliefs…I do have a sense of humour!

Lady J · Post by **Lady J** » Sat Sep 24, 2011 8:33 pm

Picture a slice of pizza is in a stomach, waiting to be digested.

Suddenly, a shot of whiskey barrels down.

The pizza lets it pass in front of him.

A few minutes later, another shot of whiskey comes through. Courteously, the pizza lets it pass in front of him, too.

A few minutes later, a third shot of whiskey tumbles into the stomach. The pizza asks the whiskey, "What's going on up there?"

"They're having a really great party", says the whiskey.

"Really"? responds the pizza. "I think I'll go up there and take a look".

--- Special Thanks to Toni and those at Toilet Humor.com for sending this one

Lady J

koan · Post by **koan** » Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:11 pm

Why do you think some people think you don't have a sense of humour?

Is this a joke you made up or just one that made you laugh?

I could drink a lot more before my pizza got curious and had to share a limo with someone who had a lower tolerance. It wasn't that amusing. So I'm not convinced it's a standard joke. I've not spoken with you but I'm wondering if we have a different sense of humour. Not to say you don't have one. I would think there are lots of folks who find this funny. They might also like the three stooges and fart jokes. I happen to know a good fart joke.

A nun is waiting for a train. She sees a machine that claims to give you your weight and tell your fortune at the same time for a quarter. She puts a quarter in and a tape comes out that says: You weigh 145 lbs and you will fart in 5 minutes.

The nun is outraged but as she expresses her upset she farts about 5 minutes after the event. Fascinated she feeds the machine another quarter.

It says: You weigh 145 lbs and you will fart in 5 minutes.

The nun is furious, convinced that the machine had a preset fortune and the previous events were coincidental. But 5 minutes later she farts.

Hesitant but curious, the nun puts another quarter in the machine.

It says: You weigh 145 lbs and in 5 minutes you will be raped.

The nun is shocked and outraged again. How dare this machine speak such evil??

5 minutes into her furious stomp a masked man rounds the station building, sees her in a vulnerable state and rapes her.

Bedraggled and suddenly a believer, the nun crawls back to the machine and manages to put another quarter in.

It says: Lady, you weigh 145 lbs and with all your farting and ****ing around you missed your train.

eta: oh I see we have toilethumor.com to thank Did someone there make it up? Mine was the only joke my mother could ever remember. She didn't make it up.

K.Snyder · Post by **K.Snyder** » Fri Mar 02, 2012 10:38 pm

Nothing like some heavy drinking to the point one vomits, while being informed of a misfortunate nun with uncontrollable gas being raped, to reassure the community of ones impeccable sense of humor.

Post by **LarsMac** » Fri Mar 02, 2012 10:46 pm

I think "Impeccable sense of humor" might qualify as an oxymoron.

K.Snyder · Post by **K.Snyder** » Fri Mar 02, 2012 11:10 pm

LarsMac;1386399 wrote: I think "Impeccable sense of humor" might qualify as an oxymoron.
Let's find out...

Would you think it would be funny to witness a horse being coaxed up a platform with a not so inconspicuous trap door fixated on the deck and a swinging rope layed over top of an apparent log?

No?

What if during the point you were convinced that you knew what was going to happen next a lever was released beneath the contraption only to next see the horse having been slung into the air with as much ease as it was difficult to convince the poor beast nothing suspicious was happening during his ascent up an otherwise awkward journey? His demise being far less in proportion to the crowd that had appeared out of sheer Bordem.

koan · Post by **koan** » Sat Mar 03, 2012 12:47 am

I see we've revived the thread with my mother's offensive joke in it.

Good times, good times.

There is some charm to jokes that are handed down from generation to generation by word of mouth though. Even if they're not very good.

Here's a clean one:

How do you catch a rabbit?

Hide behind a tree and make a sound like a carrot.

I read that one in grade 3 from a library book.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sat Mar 03, 2012 4:15 am

Two guys walk into a bar. The first one says to the second one "why didn't you duck"? The second says "Why didn't you warn me?"

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sat Mar 03, 2012 4:24 am

Two guys have a tradition of going to the same bar every evening after work for a drink before going home. Same drink every time. One day one of the guys comes in alone, wearing a suit. The bartender says "Where's Chuck?" The guy replies "Chuck's dead. I'm just coming from his funeral. Give me our regular two drinks. I want to drink mine, then drink his in his memory."

Soon that became the new tradition. The guy would go to the bar every day after work, drink the same two drinks, one for himself and one in the memory of his friend, then go home. Then one year later, The guy tells the bartender to only pour one drink. "I understand," says the bartender. "You've mourned for a year and now it's time to move on." "Nope," says the guy, "I have to quit drinking. Doctor's orders."

Snooz · Post by **Snooz** » Sat Mar 03, 2012 4:34 am

A bear and a rabbit are talking. The bear asks if the bunny has a problem with poo sticking to his fur and when the rabbit says no, the bear grabs him and wipes his butt with the rabbit.

Hey buddy, why the long face?

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sat Mar 03, 2012 4:47 am

An old man on the golf course was just getting ready to putt when a funeral procession passes along the street at the edge of the course. The old man stops, stands straight, and places his hat over his heart until the procession is gone. Then he turns to readdress the ball. "Hold on!" says his partner. "We've been golfing every single Saturday for over 30 years, and nothing ever distracts you from your game. Nothing! Not rain, road construction, not even that streaker that came through here back in '81. Funerals go by here all the time. How does this one take you off your game?"

The old man never takes his eye off the ball as he replies, "It's the least I could do. Tomorrow would have been our 42nd anniversary." And sinks the putt.

Post by **LarsMac** » Sat Mar 03, 2012 12:43 pm

K.Snyder;1386400 wrote: Let's find out...

Would you think it would be funny to witness a horse being coaxed up a platform with a not so inconspicuous trap door fixated on the deck and a swinging rope layed over top of an apparent log?

No?

What if during the point you were convinced that you knew what was going to happen next a lever was released beneath the contraption only to next see the horse having been slung into the air with as much ease as it was difficult to convince the poor beast nothing suspicious was happening during his ascent up an otherwise awkward journey? His demise being far less in proportion to the crowd that had appeared out of sheer Bordem.

Sorry. That seems to be over my head.

Snooz · Post by **Snooz** » Sat Mar 03, 2012 1:36 pm

Both the story and the grammar.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sat Mar 03, 2012 6:47 pm

Have you ever noticed how the "&" symbol looks like a man dragging his arse along the floor?

Snooz · Post by **Snooz** » Sat Mar 03, 2012 7:42 pm

Like a dog with worms?

No.

K.Snyder · Post by **K.Snyder** » Wed Mar 07, 2012 10:26 am

SnoozeAgain;1386507 wrote: Both the story and the grammar.I prefer to embrace my poor grammar than to combat a trailer park whit and an equally horrendous sense of humor, as relevant as it is to the topic

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Wed Mar 07, 2012 6:28 pm

Ooooo, I'll bet that was cutting. Cutting!

Snooz · Post by **Snooz** » Wed Mar 07, 2012 7:08 pm

I don't care a whit that he doesn't care for my wit.

koan · Post by **koan** » Wed Mar 07, 2012 9:33 pm

& speaking of dragging asses along the ground...

At New York's Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", the Attorney General said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

This one didn't come from my mother. It didn't have enough raping of nuns to appeal to her.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Thu Mar 08, 2012 4:40 am

You can put motion to it:

...&

>>>&

_ _ _ &

(((&

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Thu Mar 08, 2012 10:37 am

Accountable;1386947 wrote: You can put motion to it:

...&

>>>&

_ _ _ &

(((&

Now that is entertainment..:wah:

koan · Post by **koan** » Thu Mar 08, 2012 1:54 pm

I'd say the last one works best lol

AnneBoleyn · Post by **AnneBoleyn** » Thu Mar 08, 2012 2:01 pm

koan-

Could you tell us your rubber chicken joke, please? I can use a laugh!

koan · Post by **koan** » Thu Mar 08, 2012 2:15 pm

ha. It will be filmed and online eventually.

AnneBoleyn · Post by **AnneBoleyn** » Thu Mar 08, 2012 2:23 pm

ha. It will be filmed and online eventually.
I trust you to inform us where & when.