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Thread: A thread of whining and self pity

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    Re: A thread of whining and self pity

    "Bad parenting"....what actually is bad parenting?

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    Re: A thread of whining and self pity

    What the hell is going on with this forum? I can't paste anything or quote anything. My posts look incomplete and silly!!!

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    Re: A thread of whining and self pity

    Well, speaking personally, making your kid feel like piece of **** is a good start for bad parenting. I don't mean when they've done something bad, I mean as a permanent state of things.

    I don't altogether blame her as probably seems the case. She was better than her mother from all I can gather. How can I blame her for that? I mourned her when she died - cried for the first time in decades and was weepy for months. But our personalities were not compatible. She despised me, she couldn't help it. Being adopted didn't help here, I think.

    She was a big hearty rugger bugger. Aged 70 she still had the longest drive of any woman in her golf club. Her back was always ramrod straight. There was no uncertainty in her life - everything was black or white. She thought Margaret Thatcher was,,,ok, until she went soft. She loved me, I know that, but not in a close personal way. I was below the dog in the pecking order. For a good Mum the kids are above the dog. Unless the Mum is a dog, of course.


    Many have had worse than I've got and done better. Some have had that sort of bad relationship drive them on to greatness. I've had to admit that I simply struggle to cope with the consequences - I am not cut out for greatness. My achievement is to not have done worse.

    On top of that of course there's the question of whether my memory is real. To have a memory pop back like that? Heck, I'm asking myself if it's real, what must you folks be doing? But I do have memories from earlier that popped back from apparently nowhere: I remember going to my parents bedroom lying between them and the huge size of their bodies. I remember in particular my Dad's back which towered above me and an oblong mole he had on his lower back. So I do have memories from very early that pop back - this is just one, probably.

    It doesn't actually matter any more, to a large extent. I am where I am after 54 years. Owe nothing to anyone and use what limited power and capacity I have to help others. But not many people from my long past or any who still support Brexit.
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    Re: A thread of whining and self pity

    FWIW, Clod, I think you're a remarkable person. I look for your posts whenever I visit FG. Your posts reflect a kind, compassionate and highly intelligent person.

    Thank you for sharing your personal story. When it comes to family members, especially moms and dads, there's little that isn't taken to heart, and when the parents are more abrasive than other people's it can hurt badly. Some people seem to feel so estranged to life and confused by it they honestly don't see what they're doing that's hurtful, nor understand the consequences their actions and words visit on those around them. And then if alcohol is added to the mix it can become downright unlivable.

    I try to remember that we're all just variants of a species with a larger, more difficult brain to manage...period. I try not to view anything about life and behavior as good or bad any longer - those are myths. I wouldn't even suggest forgiving anyone, instead, understand them, not as people, but as species' members. That works for me anyway.

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    Re: A thread of whining and self pity

    Thank you Ahso. I do appreciate it. And I can say I keep an eye out for your posts when I visit.

    I think you are right that it is not about forgiveness it is about understanding, and that is what I've tried to do. I think it shows in the assessment of my mother in the post above. Had I been a big hearty rugger bugger I'm sure we'd have got on fine and she'd have been a great mother, unfortunately in my case a set of unfortunate circumstances and personality traits came together and that had consequences. I did mourn her when she died, but I can't say I ever missed her.

    Forgiving my mother for being my mother would be like forgiving the wind for blowing: sort of irrelevant.

    It's odd what can finally tip the balance to convince you something is true or not. A clincher for me in deciding whether I could trust my memory of being told I'd been diagnosed with BPD was my sig, which looked at in the new context, is absolutely pure BPD! lol
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    Re: A thread of whining and self pity

    Quote Originally Posted by magentaflame View Post
    "Bad parenting"....what actually is bad parenting?
    Don't get me started. I work at an alternative school. Many times that means that I deal with the wreckage and fallout of bad parenting. It's not just active, (physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive parenting)...it can be passive as well (neglectful, dismissive, negative, and apathetic.)

    Basically: think of something really mean and abusive you can do to someone, if you do it to a child, it's worse and more permanent.

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    Re: A thread of whining and self pity

    that's true.

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    Re: A thread of whining and self pity

    I think in the end we eventually realise, as we get older that people who have children are exactly that . People. Personality types of all sorts .....and they breed. There are sixteen personality types and all have had children, and those children once grown are the results of their upbringing from one maybe two or four personality types. (then throw in personal experience of parents and how they manage that in their lives)Then they themselves with there own personality have children. That's the way of the world, for good or bad. When you grow up you have choices. Either dwell on the good things or regurgitate the bad. My mother was a victim of abuse from an absolutely disgusting specimen of a human being called her father...her mother and sisters were victims too. It showed in her parenting. (it showed in my aunts as well) She was spiteful, a loner, and bitter. Basically she brought her past into the future of her children. But she had a sense of humour She taught us dance thought it important that we had things to do (gymnastics/girl guides/lots of play) We were medically taken care of within a inch of our lives.lol We went to private school. (well until dad didn't think it was important anymore because we were girls) I don't have any horror stories of my mum but my sisters have very different stories and memories. Maybe I drew the lucky straw or just knew to keep out of the way? My father on the other hand..... A man of principles.(of the 1850's).... Kind, taught us many things that the average kid simply didn't come across....spent much of my childhood roaming paddocks and the bush (when mum needed a break....and dad too maybe)He was the one who used the strap. and he was the one who despite your intelligence level thought you only needed to work until marriage...now that's damaging to a young female mind, thinking you have no worth beyond child rearing. My parents stayed married from 16 and 18 year olds well into their seventies before dad died. All five of their children are divorced (some multiple times) I never ever saw my parents fight ...ever. But they did play games and we were the victims of such games. If you ever wanted or needed anything you had to ask for it when they both liked each other. pedBUT......in saying all that . We were fed, clothed, schooled, principled and safe. (well as far as they knew, some things slip through to the keeper) And like I said my sisters have a different view of things. These are our childhoods....i was lucky to have outside influences and an ear.......be that for young people . it's exactly what they need.

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    Re: A thread of whining and self pity

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    One sister ran away from home at 16; the other - the most intelligent of us - failed her A-Levels and left home and had kids asap (years later had a successful career), I'm me and my brother is a top doctor in the NHS and the only one my mother had a good relationship with. (None of us are actually related, all adopted).

    Very mixed results. All married, none lasted.

    I worked for a year or so with emotionally and behaviourally damaged kids but was not (am not) sufficiently stable in myself for it to be a realistic long term career. Some of the stories though... Your earliest memories are of your mum doing strangers to pay for her habit? Not good.

    There's a tendency to look at cases like that and compare them with my own and say what have I to complain of in comparison? I got a first rate eddicashun and 3 meals a day. Thing is, just because you aren't boiled in oil it doesn't mean you can't have been burned...

    ...though I suspect if I had had that sort of "upbringing" I'd be dead or locked up by now.
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