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Thread: Chili Cook-off

  1. #1
    Senior Member Wolverine's Avatar
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    Chili Cook-off

    Chili Cook Off


    If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
    hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read
    this slowly.

    If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
    third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas,
    you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the
    time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking
    lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili
    Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
    happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
    to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
    other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
    spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
    tasting, so I accepted."

    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    ************************************************** ***
    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
    remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
    flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    ************************************************** ***
    CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
    I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
    wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
    when they saw the look on my face.

    ************************************************** ***
    CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
    like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
    me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,now my
    backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of
    the beer.

    ************************************************** ***
    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
    or other mild foods not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
    unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
    beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
    is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
    chili an aphrodisiac ?

    ************************************************** ***

    CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
    adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
    admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
    I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
    needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
    her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
    by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
    burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked
    me to stop screaming.

    ************************************************** ***
    CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    garlic. Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
    gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm
    worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
    behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
    my rear-end with a snow cone.

    ************************************************** ***
    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
    worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
    cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
    like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
    slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
    shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
    decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen
    anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in
    my stomach.

    ***************************** ************************

    CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
    bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
    nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
    passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
    Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
    reacted to really hot chili?
    Judge # 3 - No Report

    Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view
    Mind like a steel trap - Rusty and Illegal in 37 states.

  2. #2
    Hamster
    Guest

    Re: Chili Cook-off

    The funniest thing I have read in ages!!! Everyone in the house is looking at me like I've lost it!

  3. #3
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    Re: Chili Cook-off

    that is so funny i was crying what made it even funnier was sue did not get it .. well done i think thats the funniest thing i've read on f g

    only thing that comes close was when nomad for no reason what so ever just posted that "basicaly what ever comes out of mick jaggers pie hole thing" if i think of that when i'm driving i still crack up now

  4. #4
    Senior Member Wolverine's Avatar
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    Re: Chili Cook-off

    Quote Originally Posted by jimbo View Post
    that is so funny i was crying what made it even funnier was sue did not get it .. well done i think thats the funniest thing i've read on f g

    only thing that comes close was when nomad for no reason what so ever just posted that "basicaly what ever comes out of mick jaggers pie hole thing" if i think of that when i'm driving i still crack up now
    oh dang. i missed that one. where's it at?

    Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view
    Mind like a steel trap - Rusty and Illegal in 37 states.

  5. #5
    jesse b
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    Re: Chili Cook-off

    so the chilli was hot then

  6. #6
    Senior Member Wolverine's Avatar
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    Re: Chili Cook-off

    Quote Originally Posted by jesse b View Post
    so the chilli was hot then
    nope. Judge #3 needed a reason to get drunk, crap himself, and fart on people.

    Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view
    Mind like a steel trap - Rusty and Illegal in 37 states.

  7. #7
    jesse b
    Guest

    Re: Chili Cook-off

    Quote Originally Posted by Wolverine View Post
    nope. Judge #3 needed a reason to get drunk, crap himself, and fart on people.
    sounds like jimbo

  8. #8
    Senior Member Wolverine's Avatar
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    Re: Chili Cook-off

    Quote Originally Posted by jesse b View Post
    sounds like jimbo
    that's what i was thinking!!

    Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view
    Mind like a steel trap - Rusty and Illegal in 37 states.

  9. #9
    mrsK
    Guest

    Re: Chili Cook-off

    That was brilliant Wolvie
    I sent that to all my friends .
    My husband thought I had lost the plot (again) while I was reading that last night

  10. #10
    Senior Member Fibonacci's Avatar
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    Re: Chili Cook-off

    Register to remove this ad.
    Genius!
    The poolhall's a great equalizer. In the poolhall, nobody cares how old you are, how young you are, what color your skin is or how much money you've got in your pocket... It's about how you move. I remember this kid once who could move around a pool table like nobody had ever seen. Hour after hour, rack after rack, his shots just went in. The cue was part of his arm and the balls had eyes. And the thing that made him so good was... He thought he could never miss. I know, 'cause that kid was me.

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