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Thread: Let me throw you a rope.

  1. #1
    Senior Member KB.'s Avatar
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    Let me throw you a rope.

    I wasn't going to post this, and this will be the only place I do post it as far as public view goes. The reason I am is because maybe someone here is like the person I am writing this to, and maybe it might help. I hope it helps the person I wrote this for, and if you are the type of person who believes in such things, pray for a Muse for me. Pray for one of the most amazing people I have ever met. A woman with out one ounce of hate in her heart, except for when it comes to herself. I am a stubborn man, hard headed, and probably far too soft hearted.









    Lauren,

    I don’t know what made me decide on the spur of the moment to take a road trip to Soulard. Susan pretty much had it right when she told me before I left that I would never come back. I hadn’t planned on it. Too many ghosts in that place. I told my little brother Thursday that we were going to go visit old friends; I wanted him to see what my life had been like for the past year. He got a nice summary of it all.

    When I walked in that door to Joanie’s I was so nervous, this was a place I walked into two or three times a week for a year, and was never nervous. I saw Susan sitting there and I saw you behind the bar. I wondered how it would be the next time I saw you; after the things I told you in that “book”. You looked tired and worn out, but you lit up like fireworks when you saw me. My ****ing heart almost exploded. You were crying as soon as you saw me, and you were smiling, I felt missed and like I had just walked back into a place I belonged. You ran over and you hugged me so damned tight, you wouldn’t let go. You told me how much you had missed me, you told me you were so glad I was there, that I was just what you needed, and that you had been having a bad day but that it was alright now. People started asking me immediately when I was moving back. Do you have any idea how good it felt for you to be that close to me? I could see it right there in those bloodshot, tired, amazing blue eyes of yours that you really were glad I was there. Every time someone called the bar you told them how I had stopped by for a visit and brightened up your day.

    The way you held my hand at the bar, how I was so happy to be in my usual spot with my favorite person in Soulard sitting in front of me. I wish you could have seen the looks on a few of your friend’s faces as you hugged me, and when you were crying because you were so happy to see me. One of them asked me four times in ten minutes if I was coming back.

    I told my brother on the way home Saturday night that there is no better feeling in the world than the hand of a woman that you know loves you on your skin. I also told him there is no ****tier feeling in the world than smelling the whiskey on her breath as she leans in. What does a man do when a woman he cares for so much only acts like she loves him when she is drunk and all he wants is for her to be sober? You write a letter, and you pray is what you do.

    People ask the question, “Do you believe in love at first sight?” I answer “yes”. You know why? That first day I saw you holding Luke to your chest, the way your eyes sparkled when you looked at him. You were sober. I fell in love right there. Six years I had been single, no woman in my life, didn’t want one. I had a couple here and there that almost got in, but I kept that heart of mine way back deep inside. It came busting out of that little corner I had it hid in the moment I saw your eyes. Six years of restraint gone in six seconds. You were sober. I remember what you were wearing, how you had your hair, and those black and white tennis shoes. I use phrases like, “Eyes as blue as the July sky, hair that looked like summer wheat soaked in slow pouring honey, and she looked like salvation come to life” to describe that moment. I remember the sparkle you had in your eyes.

    The last time I described you to someone I used the phrase, “I could smell the whiskey, rum, and bourbon on her breath; it smelled like death. She hadn’t just started drinking; she was still drunk, at eleven in the morning”. The sparkle wasn’t in your eyes Saturday.

    Do you remember after I got sick and had to go to the hospital how you called my apartment so many times to see if I was okay; do you remember when I came back in that Saturday afternoon and you pushed my chair to the side so that you could sit next to me for a bit, and do you remember how you would not let me keep you from going with Kirby and me when we went to eat for my birthday? You were sober. Those three things I just mentioned; those are the kind of things that people with heart and compassion do for people they care about. You were sober.

    Do you remember that night when we were laid out on your couch, you against my chest, and how you sang Natural Woman to me? You might have been drunk when you called, but you were sober when you sang me that song. Listen to that song.

    Do you remember the Saturday nights when I would get off of work and stop by to sit with you after you had been cut and were still hanging around? I know you do, we’ve talked about how much it meant to you, how that after a 16 hour day you looked forward to me coming in so we could talk, how it made you feel better. We talked about a lot of things. You told me about you being such a young kid and seeing your Mom drunk, passed out, puking in the car, and just gone. I could see the hurt in your eyes when you talked about those nights. Do you remember how those nights made you feel? Think about Kayne for a second, and the fact that he will be getting to that age real soon. Think about 15 years from now and him sitting in some bar waiting on a friend to come in just so he can have someone he trusts and who cares about him to talk to. Think about the stories he will tell, and think about the poor girl who will be there to listen to them. Think about him not being able to let things go long enough to let her in. Think about why you can’t do it yourself.

    Why don’t you like yourself sober? You should love yourself sober. You ain’t just killing yourself, you are killing me, you are robbing Kayne, and you are denying who knows how many people the opportunity to see that sparkle in your eyes. I ain’t a damned fool. I know something when I see it, and I’ve seen what you have inside. Quit trying to drown it in whiskey and rum.

    So many people asked me if I was coming back, when I was coming back, and would I come back. I said probably I would be. The first few hours of Joanie’s were so fresh on my mind. All I wanted was to be there again. On the ride home I said probably not, and I told my brother to never fall in love with a drunk. I wish I could bring you and Kayne here, you say you want to get out of there, and that when Kayne turns 18 you are going to travel. You ain’t going to make it ten more years Lauren. I have nightmares about Mona calling me and telling me I need to find a suit and come to St. Louis for a funeral. That **** is going to kill you. That little man of yours already doesn’t have a daddy; don’t take his momma away too. Don’t take my Muse away from me.

    Let me help you, or let someone help you. I’ll do whatever you need or want me to do. Just don’t let this **** kill you. I’ve seen it all before, I’ve lived it. Just because your Mom made it through, and I made it through, doesn’t mean that you will. I’m serious, if you want to get out of there, I’ll find you and Kayne somewhere. I Promise you I can. I can not even begin to tell you how much you mean to me, I’ll have to write you another book, and if that is what it takes I will. I don’t want love or marriage. I just want you alive for a long, long time. I do not ever want to have to tell my Muse goodbye.

    Let me say it again, I’ll do what ever I can to keep you alive. I have good family here with my Mom, Dad, and Brent. I have some good friends here. It is a slower pace around here. It ain’t that far away from there, but it is far enough. Tennessee is a nice place. I love Kayne as much as I love you, because you love him and he loves you. The schools are safer, and better. I have heard you say a hundred times you can’t wait to get out of there, well don’t wait.

    I’m begging you to take a minute and think. I’m begging you to take a minute and breathe. To love yourself sober. To look at the things I have said to you and about you and realize they are true and sober words. I know you trust me, I know you think I am a good man, and I know you know I think you are a good woman. Trust in that. Take a minute. I’ll look after you and maybe I can’t ever be a dad to Kayne, but I can be more of one than he has had yet. You know I’d be good at it too.

    Think about it, talk about it with the people who have your best interests in their hearts. Never think I wrote this out of pity for you; I wrote it because I love and care about you, and for your little man. I wrote it because I see who you can be. For eight months I chased you around in slow motion, caught you, and then you got away again. I’m back to chasing. I want to see that sparkle in those blue as the July sky eyes. I want to see it again, day after day.

    If you can’t do that, I’ll find a new car, get this tooth pulled out of my head that is offending me so, find a job, and move my narrow ass back there. I’ll do what ever it takes. You are drowning Lauren; let me throw you a rope.


    Remember that night we sat there in the place I call the center of the universe, and how we talked about the things that had brought us to that point? Chance, fate, things happen for a reason; well you said that you really believed that things did happen for a reason. Take a minute, and think again.


    Kevin
    Life ain't linear.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Patsy Warnick's Avatar
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    Re: Let me throw you a rope.

    KB
    I hope you don't mind, I printed a copy - I'm sending the story to a good friend.

    Hopefully they'll come out of the bottle
    Thanks
    Patsy

  3. #3
    Senior Member KB.'s Avatar
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    Re: Let me throw you a rope.

    Quote Originally Posted by Patsy Warnick View Post
    KB
    I hope you don't mind, I printed a copy - I'm sending the story to a good friend.

    Hopefully they'll come out of the bottle
    Thanks
    Patsy

    Thats why I went against my first instinct and posted it here, and why I posted an awful looking picture of myself to try and bring even more attention to this letter.
    Life ain't linear.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Imladris's Avatar
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    Re: Let me throw you a rope.

    Tears in my eyes, lump in my throat.

    Hope this works.

    Originally Posted by spot
    She is one fit bitch innit, that Immy


    Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time

  5. #5
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    Re: Let me throw you a rope.

    Oh Kevin... You rip my heart out. You are ( I know) the most loving caring person. Pleases remember that God does not only send us muses. He sends us different people for different reasons. While your watching out for the world, someone has to watch out for you. And so, I am here to tell you that that ROPE you have referred to, and offered.... can pull YOU down a very dark and deep hole. With Love, Weeder

  6. #6
    Senior Member KB.'s Avatar
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    Re: Let me throw you a rope.

    Quote Originally Posted by weeder View Post
    Oh Kevin... You rip my heart out. You are ( I know) the most loving caring person. Pleases remember that God does not only send us muses. He sends us different people for different reasons. While your watching out for the world, someone has to watch out for you. And so, I am here to tell you that that ROPE you have referred to, and offered.... can pull YOU down a very dark and deep hole. With Love, Weeder
    Weeder I appreciate the concern, but don't you fret one bit. I've been down that hole more than once, and like Mr. Lamontagne said, it bores me. I'll be alright, save those thoughts, prayers, what ever for Lauren. I'll go to hell and fight the devil for that woman, and I may lose, but I won't give up. It is time for me to get a couple hours of sleep.
    Life ain't linear.

  7. #7
    Senior Member KB.'s Avatar
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    Re: Let me throw you a rope.

    Just wanted to say thanks again for the well wishes and the thoughts that I know are going out.
    Life ain't linear.

  8. #8
    Senior Member JacksDad's Avatar
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    Re: Let me throw you a rope.

    KB.
    Awhile back I had mentioned to you that I lost my muse. I lost her in 1989 but it took almost two decades for her to completely leave my my thoughts, my heart, my soul.
    But she's gone.
    Her name was Carla. Carla Serritello. An absolute angel who got caught up with the wrong crowd.
    Thanks to your inspiring words I began to write our story last weekend. Probably the same time you wrote this for Lauren.
    I haven't finished yet as it seems each paragraph brings more tears. But I will finish it. I need to.

    You see, Kevin.
    In 1989 I attended her funeral at The First Unity Church in Montclair, New Jersey.
    She died of AIDS.

    nice. I'm crying right now.

    4 months after she died I moved from my hometown of 28 years to Florida.
    I didn't realize it at the time but I was trying to get away from her. From the pain.
    My own pain of knowing that I never took my narrow ass up to her house in North Jersey and married her.

    You're a smart man, Kevin. I don't think I need to say anymore.

  9. #9
    Senior Member KB.'s Avatar
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    Re: Let me throw you a rope.

    You and I should get together for a beer or twelve some time JD. Write that story friend, write it just like you would tell it to her. I'm going to quote something I sent to a friend that is reading Dante's Inferno. I am sure you know who Beatrice is so I won't explain.

    Remember what I said about Beatrice and Dante? Start reading that book not as a book, but as him telling her a story. I may cross into some unseen line of sexism here, but I fully believe that every man who has ever written anything worth a sh!t wrote it for a woman. I also believe that unless read like just that, some personal correspondence between two old or lost loves it isn't given the justice it deserves. It is amazing what some men/women will put themselves through to try and hold on to that love. Sometimes you find yourself in a place where you thought no one cared, or understood, and then out of the f**king bushes comes this person who says, "I get it!", then runs back off again. That is how to read Dante's Inferno.
    Write it just like I told her to read it. I imagine you were anyway. You need an ear, I'm always around. I guess I'll stop here before it gets as long as the letter.
    Life ain't linear.

  10. #10
    Senior Member JacksDad's Avatar
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    Re: Let me throw you a rope.

    Register to remove this ad.
    There's only two bars that I know of that could handle the likes of you and I.
    One is McSorely's Ale House in NYC and the other is Captain Tony's in Key West.
    The ghosts of great men reside in them both.
    God Bless the Universe should you and I ever spend a day drinking together.
    I fear we may cause some kind of flux in the Universe existence that it may never recover from.


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