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Thread: And this too shall pass

  1. #11
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    Re: And this too shall pass

    Thanks for the acknowledgement mikeinie,
    How lovely you have two daughters, I know you will keep them safe.

    I had met several Moms and Dads who have lost their children to illnesses and tragic circumstances before I lost my Laura and thought that I understood, especially after dealing with the deaths of my parents and brother. I realise now that I had no idea at all.

    Whilst every death causes pain, very often, gradually, there is a recovery of sorts. Especially when a person is elderly and deep down you know they have to go. I cannot and wouldn't want to speak for those who have lost someone to a terrible painful illness. I have not had that experience yet. I wonder.....do you feel relief that they are out of pain or is it as traumatic as sudden death? I have no idea,please tell me.
    The sudden death of your child is a much, much deeper pain than I could have ever imagined and these are the only words I can think of to describe it. Your chest feels as if someone has literally ripped something out of it and I'm not trying to be dramatic. Others I have spoken to have described it in various ways as like a cannon ball hitting your chest or someone punching you very hard. This is a physical feeling of pain and causes many to bend over or collapse and I wondered if it may be why the term 'broken heart' was coined. This pain seems to continue for quite a long time but does subside to make way for another reaction and that is shock, as every emotion under the sun assails your senses, rage, fear, anger, pain ,denial, terror all trying to force their way from the pit of your stomach up into your brain. During this process your body feels like jelly. In my case initially there was not, at that time ,even room for tears. I froze......to the many who knocked on my door with flowers I appeared, somewhat subdued for me, but I wasn't the prostrate figure wailing on the floor that we have all come to expect from TV or films. Most just said how well I was coping. If they...and I, only knew what was yet to come. I have often heard people saying about others that they " havent seen them crying yet" and that seems to hint the bereaved person is unfeeling. All I could manage to get out was "Thank you for coming," and "I don't know what to do" because I didn't, theres no handbook and I even apologised for not crying, as if I hadn't managed to put on the spectacle I thought they were expecting. In hindsight I realise none of us had any practice at how to deal with this.
    Now I know why you don't always cry at first, it's because you can't, literally can't. You really are not in control of your body or your feelings at all and the body will express the feeling it needs to when it's ready but it has to prepare itself in stages and the first thing it has to deal with is shock and the damage it has wreaked on you, so it only allows you to function in a shut down mode while it deals with the other emotions raging around which is mostly fright. It takes a long time for you to accept that your child is not ever going to walk through that door again and gradually as the realisation sets in the tears and the grief are able to start. It is a never ending road of pain filled days that no one can prepare for and I hope nobody ever has too. From the moment I watched Laura's dear little body being lowered into her grave, I have cried and cried a river. I was horrified to be putting my beautiful girl under the cold, dirty insect filled earth and this final act somehow made it real. I realised that even though I had been told she was dead I unwittingly had actually been expecting her to come back !!!
    I spent hours at her grave running up to put umbrellas over her when it rained, my stupid brain just could not accept she had really gone or that she couldn't feel anything. Now 5yrs later.......it's only marginally better and I can function enough to go back to work and pretend to my colleagues that I'm coping because none of them want to listen and I can't blame them.

    There are three things I have learnt from this experience;
    1) I learnt what truly loving somebody means

    2) People say that you should 'get the tears out' as if somehow this will make you feel better, it doesn't. The tears can only come when your brain chooses to let them come and you will still be shedding them on the day you leave this earth probably.

    3) I now will treat grieving parents in a different way and that is to understand their loss is carried just below the surface always and not actually something they will just 'get over' or even should be expected to get over in time. You may think that I'm just speaking about my own experience which is true, but I have spoken to many others who have expressed the same feelings. None of us want to hang on to grief, it just won't leave after the loss of your child.

    Thanks for listening or reading anyone who cares too

  2. #12
    Senior Member scholle-kid's Avatar
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    Re: And this too shall pass

    I'm just getting around to replying to the other one before this last one
    it's sorta explained at bottem of this post



    Well first I want to say my grandma raised me to use good manners, but sometimes I forget where I put them ,,oh here they are,,, grin
    Welcome to FG Littletenderness ,you have come to a forum that IMO is a cut above the others I have either been a member in or just a lurker on,,
    Quote Originally Posted by Littletenderness View Post
    Hi again,scholle-kid
    When I went back and re-read your post properly I realised that you had actually said that you wouldn't want to spoil Aprils day by telling her your feelings,so I do apologise for reading your post too hastily!! I think the part about finding someone else who had lost a daughter to a drunk driver was what stuck in my mind initially.
    It crossed my mind as I read your reply that was what was happening because I have 'been there done that' myself, I have been reading something from another grieving parent and parts will 'jump up and take hold of my attention ,most times the OP will have to ask me " huh,did you read all of that ?"



    Quote Originally Posted by Littletenderness View Post
    Daughters are just SO precious and very loving. They are usually the ones in the family interested in traditions and family trees. They're the ones who give you a hug when you're down and make the world right again..
    If I didn't know better I would be tempted to ask you if you had been eves dropping on my home life though the growing up years of my kids specially my daughter,
    you have just described her to a T. ,heres a story along the subject "traditions and family trees"
    My grandma had passed to me a couple of hand made quilts that her mother( my great grandma) had sewn and one my grandma had sewn, and I had added one I had helped to sew, my daughter had been so impressed to receive these family keepsakes she went out and had her granny on her dads side to teach her to quilt and had added her quilt to her box of keepsakes and collectibles, She had packed them in a clean metal tool box with locking lid and had said they would some day be her daughters ,,, I buried every one of those quilts with my baby, I took them one by one and tucked them in around her just as I had tucked her in all her childhood . I could not see myself 'keeping ' them ,I could not see myself 'passing' them on again... sorry if my spelling is rotten I tear up every time I remember tucking my baby in with 4 generations love with those 5 quilts and saying good bye while the ;lid closed,,,


    Quote Originally Posted by Littletenderness View Post
    I'm so relieved that you got your message maybe when you needed it most. Maybe in hindsight ,in your case I was wrong to suggest you discussing it.
    In hind sight ,there is no 'hind sight' the message was right on 'cue' and to my thinking thats what counts, Thank you for being the messenger.


    Quote Originally Posted by Littletenderness View Post
    What motivated me to say that was an experience that happened to me the other day. I met a lady that I hadn't seen for some 20years. She remembered me and wanted to offer her condolences for our loss. As usual any mention of my Laura brings tears to my eyes and so the lady said apologetically, how sorry she was to bring up this reminder. I said "Don't worry, you're not reminding me, I never forget, this lives with me just below the surface, waiting to bubble up at any given moment" and it does, again and again and again.
    .
    Here again it's like your eves dropping
    I have to talk about my Vernas life, I was blessed for 21 years . tears filled with her love , her energy, her sillyness, her quirks etc... well in a nut shell with her.. and to not speak of her would be impossible for me , I think of it as celebrating her life when I am shareing something of her to a new friend. or remembering her with one of her brothers or close friends. of course there are those days when it's a 50/50 deal part celebrating her life , and part grieving her passing,,
    their have been people who have asked me to please don't talk about her because' it makes them sad to remember her' ,(,oh they have no idea the thoughts that SLAMS though my brain at these words.) or "said apologetically, how sorry she was to bring up this " these are the folks that didn't know Verna up close and personal but seem to feel the need to make me think they can now speak with knowledge on the subject.
    I just say something like ?well gotta see ya around" and leave . I let them form their own concluestions about the deal.




    Quote Originally Posted by Littletenderness View Post
    I was thinking that April probably appears to be very happy with her new love and I'm so glad she has found happiness, but her friends death is never truly far away from her mind and so I felt that she would completely understand if you were to explain. However I'm glad you chose to wait, that seems to be the best thing for you, I can see.
    Good Luck and am praying the wedding is as good as it can be for you both!.
    The wedding was exactly what a beautiful wedding is suppose to be, I have up loaded all the photos and have just begun to edit a couple of them I will put on here if my internet conection ever decides to connect and stay connected for more then 3 seconds,, its being very annoying this morning..

  3. #13
    Senior Member scholle-kid's Avatar
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    Re: And this too shall pass

    Here are a couple of photos of April and how beautiful she is on her special day.
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  4. #14
    Senior Member scholle-kid's Avatar
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    Re: And this too shall pass

    Quote Originally Posted by Littletenderness View Post
    Thanks for the acknowledgement mikeinie,
    How lovely you have two daughters, I know you will keep them safe.

    I had met several Moms and Dads who have lost their children to illnesses and tragic circumstances before I lost my Laura and thought that I understood, especially after dealing with the deaths of my parents and brother. I realise now that I had no idea at all.

    This is so true, I had said good bye to grandparents , a great uncle and a great aunt ,my dad, a step mother I had 'survieyed 5 stepmothers from the age of 11 months to 15 .years, my dad realyy liked being married ,but only for short spaces of time ,,,I really considered myself strong enough to 'weather' what ever life had to toss at me, until that October day in 2001. that day I found out I am about as strong as a cooked noodle somedays. hind sight 20-20 Life had been 'tossing' expected normal stuff,, every one expects to say good bye to thier elders at some point right ? and raiseing 3 healthy kids on a working cattie ranch, things happen and kids will get banged up just being kids ,
    but , never, anything, more seriouse than ,one kid ,one time, one night spent in hospital for observation...

    Quote Originally Posted by Littletenderness View Post
    Whilst every death causes pain, very often, gradually, there is a recovery of sorts. Especially when a person is elderly and deep down you know they have to go. I cannot and wouldn't want to speak for those who have lost someone to a terrible painful illness. I have not had that experience yet. I wonder.....do you feel relief that they are out of pain or is it as traumatic as sudden death? I have no idea,please tell me.

    My grandpa went to bed one evening at the regular time all was well it seemed, 30 minutes later he got up put his boots on , sat down in his easy chair and passed away ,he was 89 yrs. My grandma on the other hand, lived another 3 years and seemed that after 63 yesrs married she just couldn't function and so didn't ...
    I never knew that there is a kind of comforting healing that comes with my grief and pain of loseing an elder loved one .sudden or slow.,,it is not part of the emotional uphiveal of saying good bye to my baby girl there . I only know from my personal experences


    Quote Originally Posted by Littletenderness View Post
    The sudden death of your child is a much, much deeper pain than I could have ever imagined and these are the only words I can think of to describe it. Your chest feels as if someone has literally ripped something out of it and I'm not trying to be dramatic. Others I have spoken to have described it in various ways as like a cannon ball hitting your chest or someone punching you very hard. This is a physical feeling of pain and causes many to bend over or collapse and I wondered if it may be why the term 'broken heart' was coined. This pain seems to continue for quite a long time but does subside to make way for another reaction and that is shock, as every emotion under the sun assails your senses, rage, fear, anger, pain ,denial, terror all trying to force their way from the pit of your stomach up into your brain. During this process your body feels like jelly. In my case initially there was not, at that time ,even room for tears. I froze......to the many who knocked on my door with flowers I appeared, somewhat subdued for me, but I wasn't the prostrate figure wailing on the floor that we have all come to expect from TV or films. Most just said how well I was coping. If they...and I, only knew what was yet to come. I have often heard people saying about others that they " havent seen them crying yet" and that seems to hint the bereaved person is unfeeling. All I could manage to get out was "Thank you for coming," and "I don't know what to do" because I didn't, theres no handbook and I even apologised for not crying, as if I hadn't managed to put on the spectacle I thought they were expecting. In hindsight I realise none of us had any practice at how to deal with this.
    Now I know why you don't always cry at first, it's because you can't, literally can't. You really are not in control of your body or your feelings at all and the body will express the feeling it needs to when it's ready but it has to prepare itself in stages and the first thing it has to deal with is shock and the damage it has wreaked on you, so it only allows you to function in a shut down mode while it deals with the other emotions raging around which is mostly fright. It takes a long time for you to accept that your child is not ever going to walk through that door again and gradually as the realisation sets in the tears and the grief are able to start. It is a never ending road of pain filled days that no one can prepare for and I hope nobody ever has too. From the moment I watched Laura's dear little body being lowered into her grave, I have cried and cried a river. I was horrified to be putting my beautiful girl under the cold, dirty insect filled earth and this final act somehow made it real. I realised that even though I had been told she was dead I unwittingly had actually been expecting her to come back !!!
    I spent hours at her grave running up to put umbrellas over her when it rained, my stupid brain just could not accept she had really gone or that she couldn't feel anything. Now 5yrs later.......it's only marginally better and I can function enough to go back to work and pretend to my colleagues that I'm coping because none of them want to listen and I can't blame them.
    I can neither add or subtract any from this ,anything I would add would just be what you said in my own words,,, I spent the first year mentaly and emotionally 'tied ' to her grave , sitting there at her grave daily wondering how I was suppose to try 'living' life while she wasn't out there living hers ... 9 months of some intence therapy with a darn good therapist got me over that rut.
    Buy while reading it , I recalled .The day or moment that the numbness 'wore' off and the pain came on like a 2x6 ball bat , did you for a 1/2 a second find yourself embraceing the pain because you were surprized that you were capable of feeling something as ordenary or as physical as pain still ? I don't know if that even makes sence but I have never tried to put that moment to words before now.




    Quote Originally Posted by Littletenderness View Post

    There are three things I have learnt from this experience;
    1) I learnt what truly loving somebody means

    2) People say that you should 'get the tears out' as if somehow this will make you feel better, it doesn't. The tears can only come when your brain chooses to let them come and you will still be shedding them on the day you leave this earth probably.

    3) I now will treat grieving parents in a different way and that is to understand their loss is carried just below the surface always and not actually something they will just 'get over' or even should be expected to get over in time. You may think that I'm just speaking about my own experience which is true, but I have spoken to many others who have expressed the same feelings. None of us want to hang on to grief, it just won't leave after the loss of your .


    it seems I worked at 'getting on ' with day to day life when someone older had passed, but 'getting on ' day to day now has a meaning more like just getting though day to day ,,,,your right this grief just won't leave

  5. #15
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    Re: And this too shall pass

    Quote Originally Posted by scholle-kid View Post
    Here are a couple of photos of April and how beautiful she is on her special day.
    Oh how lovely scholle-kid and SO painful to see for us both. I wish them both well and yet wish that we could have a memory like that too. Sadly we never will

  6. #16
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    Re: And this too shall pass

    Hi scholle-kid , thanks for replying to my rather long post earlier. You did a great job of breaking it down into parts......how did you do that? I can attempt to do the same, but not as well I fear!!!
    You said;
    "My grandma had passed to me a couple of hand made quilts that her mother( my great grandma) had sewn and one my grandma had sewn, and I had added one I had helped to sew, my daughter had been so impressed to receive these family keepsakes she went out and had her granny on her dads side to teach her to quilt and had added her quilt to her box of keepsakes and collectibles, She had packed them in a clean metal tool box with locking lid and had said they would some day be her daughters ,,, I buried every one of those quilts with my baby, I took them one by one and tucked them in around her just as I had tucked her in all her childhood . I could not see myself 'keeping ' them ,I could not see myself 'passing' them on again... sorry if my spelling is rotten I tear up every time I remember tucking my baby in with 4 generations love with those 5 quilts and saying good bye while the ;lid closed,,,"

    I wept when I read this. You must have been in pieces when you had to tuck those quilts around her. The pain of remembering all those childhood tucking-ins, done with so much love and pride every night That was all you had left that you could do for her and knowing those quilts would never be passed on must have been excruciating for you and yet you would not have dreamt of doing anything else. I too would have loved to see my baby girl but was told that I could not. I saw her immediately after her death when she was brought down from the operating theatre. She was wrapped tightly or swaddled in a hospital blanket ...just recalling this makes me feel ill......and she was put into an empty ER side ward with just a light on over her face. her little face was untouched but I was unable to get her hands out to hold because of the tight swaddling. I didn't think to question this and had simply no idea about the gravity of her injuries...the explanations came later. I was able to see her once more when she had been in the morgue for three days and she looked so cold and was still tightly wrapped. Then she had to endure three autopsies by diferent coroners. I have since found out what that entailed and now know why I was unable to see her again. My heart broke all over again whilst standing in a shopping line holding a beautifu lbridal nightdress and negligee and a warm dressing gown for her to wear in her coffin, when the lady behind me said to me "Someones getting married I see" At first I just smiled and nodded and then the enormity of what I was doing overwhelmed me and I just lost it. I recovered my composure enough to explain to this nice lady and she was so kind and helped me sort out making the transaction and then took me for coffee. I told her all about Laura and she told me that she too had lost her daughter many years before in a riding accident. She said "everyday I wonder why I'm still here and yet she is not, I lost my heart the day she died and yet it was over 40 yrs ago, but feels as if it was yesterday"
    I think thats when I began to realise that this is a long journey. I also began to realise that I was not quite as alone as I thought.
    Maybe it was for the best that I couldn't see my baby in her casket I doubt that there would have much left of her beautiful peachy complexion after those three autopsies. Sadly they had to be done for the criminal lawyers to prove that she was a perfectly healthy unimpaired girl with no undiscovered physical ailments that might have caused the crash. She was found to be 100% fit of course and the crash investigators proved that Rudge.. the man who hit her car at 90mph had ,8 pints of Lager, two whisky chasers and had smoked Cannabis and snorted Cocaine , all nto his bloodstream before getting in his friends car and crossing over onto Laura's side of the road before horshoeing her car at 90mph.
    I think what you did for your baby was wonderful and yet I know every recollection of having to do that must be like a knife in your heart.

    I have to sign off but will answer you again soon.

    Goodnight and God Bless You LT xxx

  7. #17
    Senior Member Odie's Avatar
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    Re: And this to shall pass

    Quote Originally Posted by scholle-kid View Post
    Thank you .

    I'm kinda just 'venting' although thats not the right word because I'm not angry. But i can't think of the right word that describes what i'm doing
    I just feel I need to get a grip on these emotions of mine so when I look April in the eye and give a hug on her special day I won't be 'raining on her parade' so to speak.
    does that make sence ?
    it all makes sense, and believe it or not, you need tons of sleep, this will give you the strength you need!

  8. #18
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    Re: And this too shall pass

    Quote Originally Posted by scholle-kid View Post
    Next year ,August will be just what it is a sad month of no more birthdays and the loss of a loved one.
    Verna and your brother would want you to celebrate the life they'd lived...And their lives will continue to live in the hearts of those to whom knew and loved them...

  9. #19
    Senior Member scholle-kid's Avatar
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    Re: And this too shall pass

    Quote Originally Posted by K.Snyder View Post
    Verna and your brother would want you to celebrate the life they'd lived...And their lives will continue to live in the hearts of those to whom knew and loved them...
    Yes you are right .
    I have come to a point where I am able to spend more time 'celebrating' my daughters life and not as much time greiving her passing. it was the wedding of her life long best freind that 'got' to me this time.As for my brother, I'm not quite to the point where I can think of him and his life ending so sudden with out the greif comming up hard and fast , but yes there will be a time that I will begin 'celebrating' his life .

  10. #20
    Senior Member K.Snyder's Avatar
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    Re: And this too shall pass

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    Quote Originally Posted by scholle-kid View Post
    Yes you are right .
    I have come to a point where I am able to spend more time 'celebrating' my daughters life and not as much time greiving her passing. it was the wedding of her life long best freind that 'got' to me this time.As for my brother, I'm not quite to the point where I can think of him and his life ending so sudden with out the greif comming up hard and fast , but yes there will be a time that I will begin 'celebrating' his life .
    Just know that they both knew you loved them...They both loved you as well...What's left is knowing that they'd want you to celebrate their lives and always know that they loved you and how they'd want you to realize how much they loved you...

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