name changes

minks · Post by **minks** » Sun Jul 10, 2005 10:19 am

Oiy I have a real interesting dilema on my hands here.

As you all know my oldest turns 18 friday coming up.

She has informed me she "really" wants to change her name. She wants to drop her fathers last name and pick up my last name.

The sad thing is she has valid reasons for it. Her fathers entire family have written off my 2 daughters. No one phones them, emails them, invites them to family functions. Her father has successfully taken a very lovely and large family and torn it apart. As a result his children no longer have pride in the ******** name.

I feel sad my daughter wants this but on the other hand it has been something she has talked about often. She tells me things like "I have more of a family in your family mom" at least those people care about me. Then she goes on to tell me she also wants to drop the name because her fathers "other children" want to adopt his name.

This really breaks my heart. I do feel honored at the same time that she wishes to take up my name. I am proud of my family name and proud of my family. And would gladly let her change

But...

She is still young, and is she acting out of spite? Is she seeing this rationally? Is this going to really be smart considering her father will flip?

I really do not know what to think. She is exceptionally mature and always has been and this really tears at her.

Any opinions...this is a big deal at this time because at 18 you can legally change your name. And in 1 year she can get her drivers licence and wants her name changed then.

mominiowa · Post by **mominiowa** » Sun Jul 10, 2005 10:34 am

She is 18 years old..........you need to let her do it..She is an adult - wether - you want to see it or not

If she was only 15 - I would say it is out of spite..I am thinking at 18 - she has thought about this a lot..You need to tell her- You are an adult, this is your choice...JMO--Hang in there--Maybe I will be asking u the same question in 6 years..LOL

Post by **Betty Boop** » Sun Jul 10, 2005 10:41 am

mominiowa wrote: She is 18 years old..........you need to let her do it..She is an adult - wether - you want to see it or not

If she was only 15 - I would say it is out of spite..I am thinking at 18 - she has thought about this a lot..You need to tell her- You are an adult, this is your choice...JMO--Hang in there--Maybe I will be asking u the same question in 6 years..LOL

I agree with Mom, she is legally going to be an adult and therefore it is her decision. I'm sure you've discussed it and pointed out all the pitfalls so step back and leave it up to her. Easier said than done I suspect!!!

minks · Post by **minks** » Sun Jul 10, 2005 10:56 am

thanks ladies, I like the advise, and yes I will alllow it, I can't stop her legally now can I. I just feel so sad she has been forced to wipe away her fathers family.... no no not by her doing by his. But every kid should be given loving families from both their mothers and fathers side.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sun Jul 10, 2005 10:59 am

Here's a question....If her father has written her off, why would he flip out if she dumped his name?

Minks, she's 18. You have to let her make her own decisions, even if you think they're wrong. If we were to make all these choices for our kids, how would they ever learn? To be honest, I don't see any reason why she shouldn't change her name. Her father means nothing to her? Why would she want the reminder? She's obviously proud of you, and wants to carry your name, I say, more power to her. Good for her!

minks · Post by **minks** » Sun Jul 10, 2005 11:23 am

BabyRider wrote: Here's a question....If her father has written her off, why would he flip out if she dumped his name?

Minks, she's 18. You have to let her make her own decisions, even if you think they're wrong. If we were to make all these choices for our kids, how would they ever learn? To be honest, I don't see any reason why she shouldn't change her name. Her father means nothing to her? Why would she want the reminder? She's obviously proud of you, and wants to carry your name, I say, more power to her. Good for her!

Thanks BR. I will let her made her own mind up over this. Oh he still likes to think he is a "good" father and likely would take it as her slap in his face (not like it isn't warrented) he is just that kind of guy.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Sun Jul 10, 2005 12:44 pm

I say let her do it with your approval. She is of age AND if she ever changes her mind she can change it back. She may even take her husband's last name when she marries. Be grateful it is her last name she wants to change and not her first name! She could have been thinking about being a Moon Unit or Summer Solstice or Winter Sky! :p

minks · Post by **minks** » Sun Jul 10, 2005 3:05 pm

thanks ladies this makes me feel better about leaving it up to her 100% I have suggested a hyphenated name to her too.

Adam Zapple · Post by **Adam Zapple** » Sun Jul 10, 2005 7:58 pm

Hey Minks,

She wants to change her name because YOU are her family. Biology means nothing. I'm raising a boy who is not mine biologically. He is only 7 and he has not been pressured by either me or my wife on how to address me. We decided from the beginning that he can call me what ever he wants. He calls me Dad. His biological rarely calls and even more rarely stops by and he only lives 3 minutes away. It is a shame and it is sad that some men are such pathetic losers that they refuse to be a part of their childrens lives but it is their loss. I consider this boy my son and I love him like I love my own. If ever his "real" dad has an epiphany and my boy decided to call him Dad and me by my first name, that is fine too. The key is that the child has a sense of identity and belonging. You have provided that for her and he hasn't. She wants your last name because, as she sees it, it belongs to her and she belongs with it. I say bravo to her (and to you!).

minks · Post by **minks** » Sun Jul 10, 2005 8:09 pm

Adam Zapple wrote: Hey Minks,

She wants to change her name because YOU are her family. Biology means nothing. I'm raising a boy who is not mine biologically. He is only 7 and he has not been pressured by either me or my wife on how to address me. We decided from the beginning that he can call me what ever he wants. He calls me Dad. His biological rarely calls and even more rarely stops by and he only lives 3 minutes away. It is a shame and it is sad that some men are such pathetic losers that they refuse to be a part of their childrens lives but it is their loss. I consider this boy my son and I love him like I love my own. If ever his "real" dad has an epiphany and my boy decided to call him Dad and me by my first name, that is fine too. The key is that the child has a sense of identity and belonging. You have provided that for her and he hasn't. She wants your last name because, as she sees it, it belongs to her and she belongs with it. I say bravo to her (and to you!).

Thanks A Z good point. I totally understand you. And good on you for being Dad to the boy. Fantastic. Nothing more lovely to see than a father and his children I think that is such a rare site these days. Pity but seems true.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Mon Jul 11, 2005 6:53 pm

My daughter was lucky - she got a Dad who cares for her and loves her deeply. I never denied nor denigrated his place in her life. There are so many wonderful fathers (and mothers) who feel that bond with their children. I just have to point out that sometimes one parent WILL try to make the other look bad. Not in this case though.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Jul 12, 2005 9:36 am

you got that right hun, there are parents who do that, and I did my best to be fair to my kids and allow them to form their own opinions of their father after all they are old enough to decide now at 18 and 14. Unfortunately he slit his own throat with being such a non-caring individual. He to date has torn apart his family. He has turned his sis in law, cousin and aunt against him. This was a family that was incredibly close. It is sad to see really.