the i hate myself day

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 3:31 am

today is my horror day the king of the what if i's and the what ifs day

a few years ago my partner was a week over due and her waters broke i took her to the hospital and labour stopped

they wanted to send us home but i knew some thing was wrong i just knew it i protested but the nurses said i was getting upset over nothing i looked at my partneer and she was not happy with me kicking off like this

on the way home i was far from happy i went round the round about and was going to drive back to the hospital but my partner was very upset

we got home and i could not sleep iknew something was wrong i just knew it 2 days later we went back to the hospital labour had started 17 hours later we had the most beautiful baby i'd ever seen

within seconds the doctors took her away

after 2 hours they came back and we were told sorry but your daughter is not expected to live to the morning ,it turned out that sam should of been given some anti biotics when the waters had broken but she was not so strepper cochus b had had 3 days to infect our daughters heart lungs ect they sedated sam at least she was not suffering i went home took down the cot the teddys and cuddly toys the balloons the cards you can imagine the heartbrake i was feeling i drove back to the hospital past the roundabout i should of turned back on a few days before oh why oh why didnt i of just done it

for 3 days my brave natasha fought the inevitable like her old man she just didnt know when to quit,then in hospital i woke up early i knew she was going i put sam in a wheelchair and rushed to the special care baby unit

we watched helpless as our brave daughter fought for her last breath the alarms and electrodes doctors and nurses one by one became silent

then stillness she was gone

the doctor came over and said sorry we did everything we could .. would you like to hold her i nodded for i could not talk

i went to the cot looked at her she looked at peace i waited for a few seconds my brain trying to function ,then fate played another cruel blow on us ,the first time i was to pick up my girl her precouse life had ebbed away then when i picked her up there must of been air in her tiny lungs for she cried for one brief moment i thought she was alive

a few days later as i carried her tiny white coffin to her grave i knew i could of saved her , for the same sixth sense that made me wake up to say our goodbyes to her was screaming at me all was very wrong but i did nothing

so if any parent out there has a sick child kick up a stink at the end of the day you might waste an hour but your child would be fine

for i would not wish a day like today on any one

deep in my soul i know 99% of people would of done the same as i did but iknew some thing was wrong and i did nothing about it

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 4:19 am

I can't imagine the feeling of helplessness you must have had. :yh_flower

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 4:22 am

thanks buddy

all through the year i have to be strong for every one else recently we have had 4 close deaths in the family i house fire 1 murder 1 suicide 1 natural causes through the year i have to be strong for every one else i cant collapse every one depends on me

but in this 1 week alone i reserve the right to wallow in self pity to feel down for the grief i feel for my daughter is as fresh today as the day she died its an open wound that will never heal

i know the real reason my daughter died was because some **** wit did not do there job properly , but i suspected that this is the reason i'm so angry with myself and i tell you what it hurts like nothing else i know to think along those lines , i should of demanded to see some one else I'd willingly give my life to change things but i cant

i have other kids and believe me i am so grate full for this there is nothing to make you realise how precious something is than to of lost it

any way guys it for some reason helps to get things off of your chest and in some way to know that there are really nice people out there reading this helps .......thanks

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 4:22 am

It's so sad when the "experts" let us down this way. You can't go through life wondering, "What if I had turned that car around." The outcome probably would have been them sending you home saying not to worry. I'm sorry for your loss. If you must place blame some where, blame the doctor who deserves the blame, not yourself who did what most of us would have done.

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 4:29 am

My dearest Jimbo:

Words cannot express how much we wish to send you hugs and good thoughts on this day. Such a sad thing to have happened, but I truly believe your beautiful bbaby is in heaven and waiting for you one day. It does not help with the hurt of today, the day of remembrance. But good thoughts for you and mommy on today.

:-4

Post by **Betty Boop** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 4:33 am

:yh_hugs Jimbo.

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 5:15 am

Betty Boop wrote: :yh_hugs Jimbo.

From me too. Hugs jimbo. :yh_hugs

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 6:37 am

Jimbo

It's been a privilege getting to know you.

You are indeed a special human being.

I'm sending my love to you today

and always :-6

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 10:41 am

i heartfelt thanks for all your kind words and support my horrible day is nearly

over and tomorrow I'll pick myself up and carry on as the strong jimbo every

one has come to expect me to be ,losing a child is impossible to explain to any one its like trying to explain the color blue to a blind person that has never seen

this day the anniversary of the day i should have taken my ex to the hospital hurts more than any other ,its my failure that led to my child's death and its something that takes a lot of living with ,i knew there was something wrong and i should of acted but i never end of,the doctors should of done their job and i would not be here now posting on this forum they never i trusted them as any young man would of but some how it makes it no easier to bare

for this day and this day only i feel sorry for me yes me its all about me today i sit in a dark room and remember my daughter the sounds the smells the sights ,and i think about how i lost my beautiful baby

i know she is gone but i love her today as much as i did when she was born

the only consolation for me is she must of made the most beautiful angel heaven has ever seen

thanks to every one on the forum for your support its the first time I've managed to get through this day without a drink or 8

i wanted to show off a picture of my beautiful natasha but for some reason it says the file is to big is any one who is good on the pc post it for me if i email it to them please?

zinkyusa · Post by **zinkyusa** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 10:45 am

I'm so sorry for your pain. I can't think of anything worse than the loss of a child..

Bless you Jimbo..

Babies_Mama00 · Post by **Babies_Mama00** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 10:50 am

Jimbo That is such a terrible story. I am so sorry you had to go threw that.

Things like that scare the crap out of my. I now know that if my water breaks and they try to send me hom I tell them where to stick it.

Babies_Mama00 · Post by **Babies_Mama00** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 11:12 am

Hamster wrote: :-4 Jimbo :-4

I have no words for you other than I am sorry for your loss. Your strength is amazing :-6

Definately one of the strongest people I have come across so far in my life. Jimbo I dont really know you but you are such an inspiration to me already.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 11:13 am

Love you Jimbo

Just wanted to say it again :yh_hugs

guppy · Post by **guppy** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 11:19 am

i am so sorry for your loss and your pain . Jimbo

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 11:31 am

right at this moment in time i really don't feel strong at all

i feel ill i feel terrible , i'm alone coz i want to be alone ,i have a lump in my

throat like a watermelon ,and i have grief pains like it was all yesterday it really is that painful for me but that's the way i need it to be i don't want to forget her

now i have a day or two to pick myself up and get ready to celebrate her birthday on the 5th of this month although she has gone it was fantastic to have her for those few days she really was the most beautiful baby and i was lucky to have her i console myself with the thought that maybe god decided she was too beautiful for this world and he needed a beautiful angel

i know i have some strange ways about me but I've had a hard time and you may read this and think weird guy but after many deaths and other problems in my life i believe the only person that can really help you is you ,so when your hurt understand why your hurt ,feel the hurt live with it and move on with your life with it for if you try and bottle it up and ignore it it will only surface in other areas of your life ruin it , then without realising the hurt you feel and don't understand you will inflict on others

people that meet me are often amazed by how calm i am ,but that's because i know whats going on in my head .......honest

sorry for the ramble :-2

Babies_Mama00 · Post by **Babies_Mama00** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 11:39 am

jimbo wrote: right at this moment in time i really don't feel strong at all

i feel ill i feel terrible , i'm alone coz i want to be alone ,i have a lump in my

throat like a watermelon ,and i have grief pains like it was all yesterday it really is that painful for me but that's the way i need it to be i don't want to forget her

now i have a day or two to pick myself up and get ready to celebrate her birthday on the 5th of this month although she has gone it was fantastic to have her for those few days she really was the most beautiful baby and i was lucky to have her i console myself with the thought that maybe god decided she was too beautiful for this world and he needed a beautiful angel

i know i have some strange ways about me but I've had a hard time and you may read this and think weird guy but after many deaths and other problems in my life i believe the only person that can really help you is you ,so when your hurt understand why your hurt ,feel the hurt live with it and move on with your life with it for if you try and bottle it up and ignore it it will only surface in other areas of your life ruin it , then without realising the hurt you feel and don't understand you will inflict on others

people that meet me are often amazed by how calm i am ,but that's because i know whats going on in my head .......honest

sorry for the ramble :-2

Jimbo I have never once thought of you as weird. And I think that anyone who does think of you as weird needs to look in the mirror.

You are like I said the strongest human being I have come across in my life. I look up to you and when something small goes wrong in my life I will forever think of you and I really hope this does not come out the wrong way, but after the stories you have told and when something goes wrong in my life they will never ever be as painful as the things you have been threw. My mom always said, no matter how hard life gets, someone is always in more pain or worse off than you.

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 12:07 pm

Jimbo, I've just read your story and I am so sorry for your loss and send you my love and I'll be thinking of you.

I've worked in the funeral industry for 13 years now, and my husband for many more years. The one thing that we have found over the years is that it is so important to be able to talk about your loss and the way you feel. If you have family and friends around who will listen then great but so many people will tell you that you should be 'over' your grief 'by now'. Or worse try to tell about their experiences to try to take your mind off it.

There is NO set time limit for grieving, especially for a child and then to suffer more bereavements, some tragic and violent, will almost certainly prolong that process.

Grief has many stages; denial, anger, helplessness, acceptance all of which take different lengths of time for each person and you may experience setbacks and sometimes take one step forwards then two back. You are normal.

If ever you want to talk I'm here.

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 12:07 pm

thanks that means a lot babes mamaoo

pain is pain if you smash your finger and your in pain and you know some poor soul just had his legs blown off in a mine field some where and he is in more pain than you don't make you your finger hurt none the less

one of the guys up the pub has got terminal cancer he had to go and tell his wife and kids

now that is pain for him his wife and his kids ,so compared to him I've moved on i'm dealing with mine i'm OK well except for today i'm OK

any of you out there that are smokers if you heard what this guy had to say about his needless death all due to smoking .... you'd stop now

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 12:13 pm

Imladris wrote: Jimbo, I've just read your story and I am so sorry for your loss and send you my love and I'll be thinking of you.

I've worked in the funeral industry for 13 years now, and my husband for many more years. The one thing that we have found over the years is that it is so important to be able to talk about your loss and the way you feel. If you have family and friends around who will listen then great but so many people will tell you that you should be 'over' your grief 'by now'. Or worse try to tell about their experiences to try to take your mind off it.

There is NO set time limit for grieving, especially for a child and then to suffer more bereavements, some tragic and violent, will almost certainly prolong that process.

Grief has many stages; denial, anger, helplessness, acceptance all of which take different lengths of time for each person and you may experience setbacks and sometimes take one step forwards then two back. You are normal.

If ever you want to talk I'm here.

Hello Imladris

I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed your post :-6

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 2:12 pm

Jimbo

I'm so sorry. I know you say you've worked thru the pain, I think I've worked thru my pain, it's that anniversay day, it's a terrible day, I'm sorry.

I'm proud of you to be able to open up and share your story, it's difficult to discuss. I don't open up much about mine, probably should it's healthy to do.

Since you've joined FG - I / We have throughly enjoyed you / support you.

Tomorrow will be alittle better, We love you

Patsy

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 2:37 pm

Hey Jimbo - You can't blame yourself mate :yh_hugs

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 10:27 pm

Uncle Kram wrote: Hey Jimbo - You can't blame yourself mate :yh_hugs
cheers kammy

i dont really blame myself its more mad at my self

its the why didnt i go to the doctors thing it just goes round and round my head

any way guys thank you to every one for your support it really means a lot

any way i've got tired of kicking my own ass i'm gonna stop before i give myself piles

my normal chaotic ,moronic view of life will appear miss spelt on a thread near you shortly

a big thank you

every one every one

a big thank you 2 everyone

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Tue Oct 03, 2006 12:11 am

jimbo wrote: cheers kammy

i dont really blame myself its more mad at my self

its the why didnt i go to the doctors thing it just goes round and round my head

any way guys thank you to every one for your support it really means a lot

any way i've got tired of kicking my own ass i'm gonna stop before i give myself piles

my normal chaotic ,moronic view of life will appear miss spelt on a thread near you shortly

a big thank you

every one every one

a big thank you 2 everyone

Yeah - that's our job Jimbo :wah:

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Tue Oct 03, 2006 12:52 am

Maybe it would be ok to forgive yourself. Think about it.

pantsonfire321@aol.com · Tue Oct 03, 2006 3:39 am

jimbo wrote: right at this moment in time i really don't feel strong at all

i feel ill i feel terrible , i'm alone coz i want to be alone ,i have a lump in my

throat like a watermelon ,and i have grief pains like it was all yesterday it really is that painful for me but that's the way i need it to be i don't want to forget her

now i have a day or two to pick myself up and get ready to celebrate her birthday on the 5th of this month although she has gone it was fantastic to have her for those few days she really was the most beautiful baby and i was lucky to have her i console myself with the thought that maybe god decided she was too beautiful for this world and he needed a beautiful angel

i know i have some strange ways about me but I've had a hard time and you may read this and think weird guy but after many deaths and other problems in my life i believe the only person that can really help you is you ,so when your hurt understand why your hurt ,feel the hurt live with it and move on with your life with it for if you try and bottle it up and ignore it it will only surface in other areas of your life ruin it , then without realising the hurt you feel and don't understand you will inflict on others

people that meet me are often amazed by how calm i am ,but that's because i know whats going on in my head .......honest

sorry for the ramble :-2

Jim you are not weird you are a beautiful human being and i wish i could take away your pain . Take care of your self because your a special person .

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Fri Oct 06, 2006 7:40 am

yesterday would of been my little girl Natasha's birthday so i had a really sad day

i rang my daughter in America last night to see how she is and the most marvelous thing happened when i said goodbye darling i love you she said dad i love you to

not much unusual there you may think but that is the first time she has said it in 12 years for i am really a stranger to her i had not seen her for well over 11 years i thought it was 10 but its 11

so from the depths of despair i rise again like an eternal Phoenix to start on along my journey looking more to the future for what could go right rather than looking to the past at what has gone wrong

thanks every one for your support through these troubled times jimbo

zinkyusa · Post by **zinkyusa** » Fri Oct 06, 2006 7:45 am

jimbo wrote: yesterday would of been my little girl Natasha's birthday so i had a really sad day

i rang my daughter in America last night to see how she is and the most marvelous thing happened when i said goodbye darling i love you she said dad i love you to

not much unusual there you may think but that is the first time she has said it in 12 years for i am really a stranger to her i had not seen her for well over 11 years i thought it was 10 but its 11

so from the depths of despair i rise again like an eternal Phoenix to start on along my journey looking more to the future for what could go right rather than looking to the past at what has gone wrong

thanks every one for your support through these troubled times jimbo

All right jimbo! thanks for sharing that:D

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Fri Oct 06, 2006 11:04 am

jimbo wrote: so from the depths of despair i rise again like an eternal Phoenix to start on along my journey looking more to the future for what could go right rather than looking to the past at what has gone wrong

Way to go my wonderful friend :-4

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Fri Oct 06, 2006 11:17 am

cherandbuster wrote: Way to go my wonderful friend :-4

right back at ya:o

SuzyB · Post by **SuzyB** » Sat Oct 07, 2006 8:07 am

A picture of Jim and Natasha

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sat Oct 07, 2006 8:12 am

SuzyB wrote: A picture of Jim and Natasha

Oh Suz :-6

That is just beautiful

I'm glad you shared it with us

You know we *love* you and Jimbo here in the Garden :-4